A Relationship of Conflict
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
YES HELLO ME AND MY MAN HAVE BEEN FIGHTING AND FIGHTING, HE DOES THINGS TO TEACH ME A LESSON HE SAYS THAT ITS ALL MY FAULT AND THAT IS WHY HE DOES WHAT HE DOES. THEN HE IS LIKE YOU THINK I LIKE DOING THIS TO YOU NO, BUT YOU HURT ME TOO AND I LOVE YOU DO YOU LOVE ME?
THEN HE GOES ON THAT WE NEVER SPEND TIME TOGETHER AND THAT WE ARE SUPPOSED TO GET MARRIED AND THIS YEAR,BUT HOW CAN I MARRY SOMEONE WHO SAYS THAT I HURT HIM AND THAT HE HURTS ME IN RETURN. HE GOES OUT ALL THE TIME AND WONT ANSWER HIS CELL THEN WHEN ITS GOOD FOR HIM HE WILL ANSWER AND SAY CANT I GET A BREAK AND THEN I START YELLING AT HIM AND THEN I START CRYING.
I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO AND REALLY NEED SOME ADVICE ON THIS SO PLEASE TELL ME WHAT AND WHAT CAN I DO SO THAT I DONT HAVE CHEST PAIN ANYMORE BECAUSE OF HIM?
It definitely sounds like you guys have a lot to sort out before you think about getting married!!
First, a relationship should NOT involve fighting! It should involve discussions. If you guys are FIGHTING to the point that you're crying, something is seriously wrong. The fact that he can "do things to you" to teach you a lesson is just one indication. He is NOT your teacher. He doesn't have the right to "do things to you"!! If he feels you should act differently, he can TALK to you about it. And you can choose or not choose to change your behavior. But he has NO right to just "do things to you" because HE feels it's good.
Love should never, ever be about "I will hurt you because you hurt me". If he FEELS you have hurt him, then he can TALK to you about it and explain why he feels hurt. Then you can talk about ways to avoid it in the future. But for him to HURT you is completely out of the question.
For him to go running off and turn off his cell phone is childish. Part of being a couple is trusting each other, knowing where each other is and being able to reach each other. For him to feel he has to HIDE from you like that is very much him treating you like his "mommy" that he has to steal away from to do what he wants to do. Which is incredibly unhealthy.
I would tell him you guys should go to a therapist - just for a few weeks - to get this under control before you even think about getting married. If you don't get this fighting under control - and his attitudes about what he can "do to you" - it is ONLY going to get worse if you marry him. Take care of this NOW.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
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