My Girl Always Cheats
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
I have been dating a young lady for over 3 years now. I love her dearly and I can tell that through it all she does love me. Our problem is that she is easily caught up into other guys for nothing more than them showing any type of interest in her. Now the guys that she falls for tend to be older and more respectible in terms or accomplishments in life. She has no problem turning down most guys her age or that aren't making moves in life. I don't believe it is actually a self-esteem problem, but she for some reason doens't think that good men are attracted to her and is overly flattered when they take interest in her. She is a very attractive young lady and I know men are interested as soon as they see her so as you see this is a problem. Plus she is very friendly and outgoing, to the point that some guys get the wrong impression or feel that they would have an easy time getting close to her. She then takes that attention that she created unknowingly and runs with it.
Over the course of our relationship she has cheated on me and it seems to progress. The first time it started as her lying about her where abouts and going out on a date with another guy. But later I found out that she had been talkin to the guy on the phone quite a bit. I admit that I could have stopped this when they first started talking. He was the car dealer that she purchased her car from and seemed to be making alot of calls to check on her. I trusted her to handle the situation but she continued to talk to him more than I knew. He had shown some interest in her and voila.
We got past that but the next year she cheated on me again by going out to diner with a minister at her church. She ended up going back to his house and sleeping on the couch there. He did make a pass at her but left when he did. We got over that because she had a problem with seeing men like ministers as not being just another man with the same intentions. However we did end up splitting not long after and we have concluded that it was really just to date him. Once he made the pass at her and she saw that he was interested she became infatuated.
But what I didn't know is that during that time that we were apart from above she had continued to talk to another guy in another state over the phone. He was a business contact that began to flirt with her. We both agreed that he was flirting and she said she would stop it but she didn't behind my back. So only a month after we are back together she had a trip to the city where the guy lives with a group attending a career fair. She had told me that she had stppped the flirting, but when she got there she ended up spending the night at the guys hotel room. Nothing occured except talking. She did tell me the next day only after lying first and we fought about it. She was in the middle of a blizzard and could not fly out for a few days so we argued over the phone. On the night I told her we were going to talk and work everything out she suddenly disappeared. I found her by finding the guys number in her stuff and calling his house only find her there at 5 in the morning. We talked about it and she admitted to getting physical but did not have sex which I do believe her. She had lied to me about being attracted to the guy and about stopping conversations with him.
After this occurence we discovered her infatuation problem and we agreed that it was not good not only for our relationship but for her as a person to be so heavily attracted to a man for him simply being attracted to her. In fact each one of these men she will admit is quite far from what she has in me, or someone that she would want to have a real relationship with. They are all respectible but have things about them that she knows she would never want in a relationship. She has found herself doing things that she regrets and thought she would never do all because of her infatuation.
Now she has taken a job under a boss that I know of. I knew from the start that he would try to make a move on her and I knew with the way she is that she would get caught up in it. I told her this and even laid out the whole plan of attack that he would use so that I could show her where she is going wrong in these situations. So far everything has been coming from him exactly as I told her. Yet she has failed to follow the rules we discussed. She has already lied to me about going out to lunch with him twice and I can see that she is getting wrapped up into him. I don't want to go through this again but I love her and I know that she really does love me. She has shown that she wants to work on our relationship even though she has messed up. But I cannot trust anything she says now and I don't know how to recover from this.
Its not that she is a bad person that just doesn't care and does what she wants. She is just very easily caught up into other guys as I mentioned before. She has admitted that she is stupid for jeaopordizing the very good relationship that we have but we can't get to the bottom of her behaviour. She seems to lose all control when a man shows interest. I do still trust that this can work because she has never persued or intentionaly initiated anything with any guys. If she wouldn't become so flattered at a mans attraction to her then we would not have a problem. I am lost on what to do and how to trust her again and I am scared to go through this again since she is currently on that path again. Please help me.
It's nice to hold her blameless in all of this, the innocent victim of persuing guys. But I have to tell you, no matter how nice looking a girl is, she has complete control over how she interacts with men. Your girl *likes the attention* and is actively encouraging these guys. I know many, many very attractive girls who are completely faithful to their guys and who never get into any of these situations. That's because they are friendly but distant with guys. Guys respect that. Your girl, on the other hand, likes and encourages this attention. And until SHE changes, nothing is going to change. And as the saying goes, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. No matter how much you lecture her or educate her or train her, since it is SHE that is causing all these situations, they will continue until SHE stops it.
I would seriously take her to a therapist. Go together, and have her go separately as well. Trust is the most important thing you can possibly have in a relationship - and she is incapable of it right now. She's an adult. She has the ABILITY to have self control. But she is CHOOSING not to because she values her own pleasure over the relationship she has with you. You need to accept that, otherwise you can't help fix it. As much as she plays the "I can't help it! It's not my fault!" it most certainly is. And someone has to get her to take responsibility for her actions, figure out WHY she is choosing these things and then find a solution. Maybe the solution is that she is simply not willing or capable of having a boyfriend right now - that she is having too much fun dating lots of guys. And maybe you'll have to accept that and have her as a friend you love, but not as a girlfriend you rely on. But the therapist would be able to determine that for you.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
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