Mixed Signals

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I grew up in Europe and my school only had a few kids. I had a huge crush on this one guy in particular. My style is caution so I never made any approach because he was a player. 10 years after graduation, this guy myspaces me. We both now live in the U.S. but in different states. I gave him my number and we talked for over 3 hours. I never expected to hear from him again. I figured it was just catching up. The next day he calls again. Again it was a 3 hour conversation. Over the last 18 months we have talked every single day on the phone using sometimes more than 4000 minutes a month on the phone. I finally flew the 3000 miles to see him and it was amazing. There was an amazing connection and I left feeling as if I had met my soul mate. I was sure he felt the same. I decided to move. He seemed to freak out a little. I assured him that I wasn't moving for him and I'm not. Everything settled down and we still talked on the phone every single day. I flew out to find someplace to live and felt as if I was meetinig with a stranger. I didn't even feel as if I knew who he was. When I got back home, I felt the best thing for me to do was to cut the relationship off completely and see him every once in a while when I move. He called me, we talked and he said something about he didn't want to lead me on about our relationship, that's why he was acting distant during my visit. He said he knew many people who move to different places to be with someone and then the relationship doesn't work out and he didn't want that to happen to me. He told me he loves me but he doesn't look at me in that way.I'm like his sister but not quite because he doesn't hook up with his sister. He told me I'm the nice safe, marriage minded girl sort of like a nun and He's looking for a skank. One day he'll say that he sees me as the respectful girl you marry and that's not what he's looking for at the moment and then another day he'll say he's ready to settle down but I'm not what he pictured himself with. He made some comment about why isn't the person you love and have a connection with the same person you end up with? This would be the time to mention that I'm a single mom, and he has many issues with that. He still calls me every day and talks about the things we are going to do like camping, cruises, trips, etc when I move there. He talks about introducing me to a nice respectful guy because I deserve better than him, etc. He says that he can have sex with anyone but this connection that he and I have is something he never wants to lose. I'm confused. I feel as if I'm a doll on a string. One minute I feel that we're more than friends and the next, not so sure. I love him more than words. He's the first person in my life who I can completely be myself with. He knows my good points and all my bad. He's my best friend. He knows how I feel and what's going on with me just by the sound of my voice. He remembers my coffee and makes me laugh more than anyone in my entire life. He gets me. I'm the first person he calls when he has problems or when he's excited about something. He confides things to me that he's never shared with anyone. We have conversations that I never thought I would have with a man and vise versa. He finishes my sentences and laughs at my jokes. Can you really have this much of a connection with someone and have it turn out to be something other than true love? He's been hurt in the past badly and so have I. I'm just as cautious and I know for a fact I say things to throw him off how I feel just so I won't get hurt by rejection. Is he doing the same or am I just in denial? He talked about asking some girl out and then asked me if i was jealous about that. He keeps accusing me of having some sort of attachment for him and I keep denying it. He says he can feel how much I care for him. Again deny deny deny. He found out that my laptop screen saver is all pics of him and teased me about that for what seems like forever. Deny deny deny. He says that he's flattered and why don't I just admit it was all about him. He repeats constantly that I can tell him anything and that if I don't want to tell him then I'm the one losing out.One part of me thinks that he has to feel something other than friendship because otherwise why take the time explaining to me for 45 minutes in perfect detail why you can't be with me when I never asked you in the first place. To me it sounded like he was repeating the matra to himself. I kept trying to change the subject and he kept going back to the fact that I have a kid and he doesn't have his life together. He must have at least been thinking about it right? Another part wonders if he's trying to make sure that I'm not moving just for him. And the last and final part, thinks I'm crazy and only see what I want to see. Everything in me screams that he's the one. I have to talk to him everyday, it's almost like a long distance touch. He feels the same. He's told me that if he doesn't talk to me, he feels something is wrong. Everyday -2 hours. We have never run out of things to talk about. I've met his best friends and his parents. One of his friends and I are turning out to get along great and he'll get a little on the jealous side if i give this male friend too much attention. His friends all think we're together and he'll tell them we're not and then get upset because they can see how much we care for each other. Is he my soul mate, Best friend or a little bit of both? Any insight would be helpful.

RomanceClass.com Advice
Sounds to me you are more like best friends.

If you were his soul mate, he would have all these doubt. Also, at his age, he should have sowed his "wild oats" by now.

But, things can change quickly and maybe that will happen to you two... for the better, I mean.

Too bad he has issues about your child. That may be his biggest doubt since nothing else rings true very strongly. Make sure that he has a close relationship with her so he becomes accustomed to her.

Since you are moving out anyway, keep doing what you're doing and maybe things will work out. Hope so! George

-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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