Getting hard to be around him...

Visitor's Question from a 16-20 year old Female
So you’ve heard this a million times. I’m still in love with my ex…who is my best friend.

It’s been 3 months. some days I believe I’m fine, but there are periods of time when unexpected emotional distress comes over me. We were together for a year and 10 months, and he’s been one of my very very best friends since Jr. High. He told me that he really cares about me but he just doesn’t feel as strongly about me as we used to and he couldn’t go on knowing that he’d hurt me more in the long run. he let me cry in his arms,kissed my forehead,whispered nice things about me in my ear. I asked if I could talk about it later with him because I was going to miss my bus home if i stayed there any longer. He agreed…and we havent discussed the matter since.

I feel like such an idiot, and it’s so painful. I’ve tried countless times to put it past me. We’ve been best friends for 4 years, and dated for 2. I can’t stop talking to him, I see him everyday and school and with my friends. My mind melts when I’m around him, it’s like I become to incoherent robot who has to giggle at everything he says. We flirt occasionally, and even ended up hooking up, because we’re constantly yearning for each other physically, but I know that was just a spur of the moment thing and it doesn’t mean anything. It started off normal, just us hanging out like best friends should, playing videogames and messing aorudn with his cats...then a moment comes where we just get caught up and it escalates...last time we made out was three weeks ago...a few weeks ago he was touching me.. In my distress I couldn't let him stop.

He’s been hanging out with this girl lately, who has a boyfriend that’s she’s been with for over a year. But I could tell there was some attraction. The three of us hung out days ago, and shortly this new sort of feeling that I’ve never felt before kicked in. envy. I couldn’t look at them anymore, all these old emotions came rushing back, and I decided to head home.

I got an IM from him, saying he didn’t know who else he could talk about to this. He told me, SO bluntly I wanted to kill him, “lol I got laid.” HOW am I supposed to respond to that? Why the **** would he tell me this, if he was thinking rationally he would’ve known that saying that THAT bluntly to me would hurt me. I had a guess it was probably with the new girl he’s been hanging out with. I came to understand after he continued, “It was random. But I’m worried because I didn’t use a condom. She’s on birth control though. But still.” It explained things a bit, only only hardened the blow even more. I told him he should be worried and better check on her later, and embarrassingly explained birth control to him…after a while it became too much for me and I signed off.

She started tlkaing to me. Shes actually one of the nicest people I've ever met. And I feel so bad the entire time, she's joking and happy and wonderful, and I feel like I'm betraying her with my feelings. I don't think she even knows that me and him were ever together.

I soon found out, he was in a great deal of pain. Words of nothingness in foreign languages that I knew in his msn username. But she still loved her boyfriend. She still loves her boyfriend. He was hurt, it was written everywhere, on facebook, in his name, and it hurt me to see that. I couldn't bear to see him in that pain, in the same pain I'm in... and yet he's still for her, to fight a fight he know he can't win. If I can say this, he loves her... she's all he ever talks about to me. She's #1 on his top friends. And yet he only was aware of her existance about a month ago. Only started talking a few weeks ago. He's crazy about her. And it hurts me so much, to know he's in pain, to know that a great girl like her is in pain...and to know that I will never be able to seek closure from him without him htinking I'm some obsessed lunatic. I think his problems are bigger than mine right now...

On this application on facebook, he decided to "feel bored without me" and ti was sent with a really cute picture of a cat thinking about themself and another cat. what struck me the most, was that he set it to 'private' so that no one else could see.. I couldn't help but feel a little hope. Only to get crushed again with his words of up and down about her.

And even now, I don't only feel replaced as a love...but as a best friend.

I feel like such an idiot for him. But I can’t stop. Minutes I think I’m okay and over it, he pops up in my dreams and it doesn’t stop. I’ve been dreaming about him for the past 2 weeks, and everytime I wake up I feel more and more sick. I want to stop...I need to stop...but I don't know how...

So all I can do now, is love him from where I am, and let him try to be with her, and hope with all my heart that she treats him well...

I want him. I love him so much. But this pain is really hard to deal with... I try avoiding him, but he's everywhere...classes beside me, my friends are dating his friends. even my old group of friends that never used to speak to him is plagued by his prescence. I can't go anywhere without seeing him, or her...I don't know how i'd react if she ended up pregnant.

I really need some advice...it's getting so hard to take...

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RomanceClass.com Advice
We have a webpage that gives advice on recovering from a break up:
http://www.romanceclass.com/miscr/LoveCat/18

It probably won't help you feel better to know that almost everyone goes through a bad break up at least once in their life. The recovery can be made better when you care for the person and wish the best for him. That's where you are now and that's very good.

Another good webpage is:
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/coping_divorce_relationship_breakup.htm

It covers divorce too, but the breakups and divorces are similar in many ways.
Time is very important. It can take weeks or even months to get over someone.
Feel positive that you sometimes feel you are over him. That helps.

Good luck! George

-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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