He Pays Attention to Other Girls
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I've been in this relationship for about 8 months now. There are a ton of things that come first for him. He has two children from a prior relationship and the two of them are still friends. I understand that many things are just a priority before me. I have never been a jealous person before and I don't want to be that girlfriend that gets mad when he talks to another girl. I trust him completely and know he would never cheat on me.
However I seem to get jealous when we hang out with a large group of people drinking and he pays more attention to another girl than me. I think I am jealous of the attention not that he'll cheat but I don't know how to fix this.
I've never loved anyone like I love him and I don't want this to break us up and it's the only thing we ever really fight over. What can I do to not get jealous and dramatic?
It's very good that you're trying to think seriously about this and find a solution. Jealousy can easily destroy even a great relationship, and it's something that needs to be gotten under control sooner rather than later.
It's great that you say you trust him, and that the issue is really one of attention. Different people have very different needs in this area. It's not "bad" or "good", it's just the way we are. Some people love to flirt. Some people love to be just with their partner. Let's imagine for a moment you were a really flirtatious woman. You and he would go to a party and he'd go off flirting with some girl, and you'd go off flirting with some guy. Neither of you would cheat - you'd just have fun flirting. At the end of the evening you'd go home together, perfectly happy and content. For many people, flirting is a fun social situation.
So it happens that you and he are different in this area - just like some people are tall and some are short, some like bowling and some like fishing. He likes flirting and you like having him by your side. So you two need to compromise.
Talk to him and explain this to him. It's not that you want him tied to you. It's not that you don't trust him! It's that you feel lonely when he is away from you. That is really the core issue here. So ask him for help in having you not feel lonely.
First off, while you're working through this, he should spend part of his time with you, flirting with you. That way you don't feel "abandoned" all night. You get your time of fun with him. But after all, this is a party and if his aim was to stand next to you all night, he could have done that at home! Part of the purpose of a party is to have fun talking to OTHERS.
So find ways to get more comfortable doing that. Have him help out by introducing you to someone and then hanging around to get the conversation rolling - and then have him 'drift off' when you give him a signal that you're OK. Arrange another signal if you really need help - so that if you're stuck in a bad situation he knows to come give you a hand. But socializing is one of those really important life skills to learn, so it's key for you to learn how to have conversations with other people and enjoy them.
If he sees that he's helping you learn to do this, which will mean he can flirt while you're having fun flirting, I think he'll be really keen to help out. I do have a How-to on overcoming jealousy here -
but I really don't think that's the issue. I think if you got more comfortable flirting and having fun at parties, you wouldn't depend on him as a lifeline to be by your side all night. I think you'd have fun talking to guys, he'd have fun talking to girls, and you'd go home together quite happy!
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
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