We Argue All the Time

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
My fiance & I have been together 4 years & have owned a home together the last 3. We each have a son from previous relationships, who both reside with us.

We argue quite regularly about trivial things and his responses are usually hurtful name calling and degrading comments towards me. We do love each other, but this mornings argument seems to be the last straw for me. I gave his ring back & told him to get help or I am finished. He ended by saying that I was the one who needed help because I have put up with him for so long...please help !!

RomanceClass.com Advice
I know you were angry this morning, but telling someone to "go get fixed" is rarely a good solution :) Arguments can't happen with just one person. An argument takes two to keep going. So it is your *dynamics* between you two that has to get fixed - not just him. Yes, he might have more of a temper but really, even the worst tempered person can't argue with himself.

I have a lot of tips on argue-management here -

http://www.romanceclass.com/miscr/LoveCat/23684

but I really recommend that you BOTH go into therapy together. This arguing isn't happening in a vaccuum. It is a symptom of some real issues that you guys have and that you're not talking about. So instead they erupt when any small thing happens to disturb the flow. I would talk with him and say that you love him and want your family to be a happy one. That you are obviously both having issues right now and that if you go to a therapist together - even for just a few weeks - it might help you get onto a better path where you are more happy.

Arguing is a downward spiral where you get less and less happy until finally some big fights happen and you split up. You really need to reverse that pattern now and find ways to get into a happy situation, where you know how to deal with the real issues in a way that does not involve fighting.

In a healthy relationship, there are always disagreements but they are things you talk about and resolve - NOT things you fight about. That's where you two have to get yourselves.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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