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We don't love qualities, we love persons; sometimes by reason of their defects as well as of their qualities. --Jacques Maritain

He's Friends with his Exs

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
My boyfriend who I have been living with for over a year talks to every girl he ever dated not to mention just the ones he has slept with. My main problem with the whole thing is he speaks to them when I am not around. He states that this is because when he is with me he does not want to be bothered, I told him that an easy fix for this would be to give them the home number and have them call when I am around, so it doesn't seem as if he has something to hide...

Am I wrong in doing this??? does he have something to hide, I just don't understand it. One of the girls actually invited him for a long weekend this summer at fire island, he sees nothing wrong with this, states they are only friends????

RomanceClass.com Advice
It's very normal for people to keep in touch with their exs - that's a sign that they are able to stay friends with their exs and treasure the friendships that were built up. But the primary relationship should always be with you - his partner - and it should never be an either-or situation. Yes, he has great friends, whether they're male or female. But they shouldn't be a "separate life" from you. You should be able to go out and have fun with 'him and his friends' and have fun talking about them and laughing together. If he is "hiding" these other friends from you, then something definitely sounds iffy.

It seems sort of like he's enjoying flirting with them without you being around, maybe because he thinks you'll be jealous. For him to completely abandon you to go be with them for a weekend really isn't right. If it's for a fun weekend, why wouldn't you go along? That's what friends are about - having fun together - and you are his best friend of all.

Make sure you're clear this is NOT about jealousy. He will get defensive about his "friends" if he thinks that. Instead, this is about you properly wanting to be a full part of his life. He has friends, and you want to share in that fun! If he is "hiding" friends from you, that isn't good. If they really are a friendly part of his life he should WANT to share that with you.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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