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A Love Quote
Love doesn't sit there like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; remade all of the time, made new. --Ursula K. LeGuin

We Argue All the Time

Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Male
Lately my girlfriend of 2 years and I have been arguing alot, and just not getting along. I love her and everything, but I think our relationship has just worn down. The only problem is she wants it to work in the worst way, and no matter how hard I try I cannot break up with her.

I am so afriad to hurt her, I just want her to be happy but I want to be single. What should I do?

RomanceClass.com Advice
Obviously neither of you can be very happy if you are fighting. And there are tons of people who love each other but who don't date because they are better as friends. So yes you love her, and she loves you - but you can love each other and be friends, vs trying to force a square peg into a round hole as far as dating goes.

If your girlfriend loves you, she won't want you to be miserable! She should want you to be happy. If her definition of love means that you have to be under her control and thumb, that's not love. That's possession. That makes you a pet of hers, not a partner.

On the other hand, all relationships go through up and down periods, and the reason they are good relationships is that people work through the down times and fix them, and don't just give up. So you really have to make sure here that you both HAVE tried to really and truly fix things. If you just say "oh well we're fighting, see ya" then you haven't learned anything at all - and the same thing will happen in the next relationship, and the next. There are always arguments in relationships. What defines the ones that last is how you get through those times.

So OK, read the advice on my site about having serious relationships and dealing with arguments. Sit down with her. Say that you know she's not happy with the fighting and that you're not happy either. That you two have to work together on a solution, or agree that you both were just not meant to date. Yes, it's a painful thing to realize that the cogs don't fit sometimes, but that's how life is. Tomatoes don't grow in the shade. Bees don't live in the water. Just because you want to force it to be so doesn't make it so.

So give yourself two weeks to really look at these problems and fix them. Not just 'cover them up'. Really talk HONESTLY openly and fully about every thing that bothers you. This isn't the time to hide issues or play games. Tell her honestly how you feel and listen to her. Come up with ideas on how to fix them. And then give it a try.

If it works and you get through this, then you've saved a great relationship and are both happy with the results. No more arguing, and the love you dreamed of. If it does NOT work, well you both tried. You can't just keep beating on something and expect to MAKE it work! She has to be at least partially reasonable here. If you guys are arguing it is NOT healthy, and if you can't fix it then it is better to retain your love and stay friends. Believe me, if you stay together while you fight with each other, that love will turn into hate. Is that what she wants?

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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