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Long distance changing to short distance isn't easy



Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
I have been in a long distance relationship for 5 years now. The first 4 years were great despite only seeing eachother about once a month. We live about 6 hours away from each other so it is drivable.

The last year has been very hard on me. I had really thought that after I graduated from University that we could finally get togther and start a life. My girlfriend and I have been fighting alot because I feel as if I am the one making all the effort and sacrifices to get to her. She gets mad at me when we try and work things out.

Two weeks ago, I told her that I think she needs to mature a bit more (she is 21 and I am 28). Maybe I am expecting too much from her? I am very confused and even though I thought breaking up would be the only option, I only found out I cannot live my life without her.....ARG I am so confused!!! HELP




RomanceClass.com Advice
In a way, long distance relationships are much easier than nearby relationships. You just chat occasionally, you are able to be sweet and nice and not deal with the cranky mornings and chores and all the rest. It sounds very likely that she enjoyed that - having you to love her, but having the freedom to do what she wanted the rest of the time.

A long distance relationship that involves two people going together is almost always lopsided. People rarely "move into the middle" and both give up jobs and family to do so. Usually you move to one place or the other. Someone is losing friends and changing jobs. It's one of those facts of life, and if you start trying to even out everything, it's not going to work. Moving together is a big change and it's going to involve sacrifices. You just need to accept that and not feel that the other person has to "suffer equally". If anything, keeping it so only one of you goes through the difficult parts is a way of showing your love - that you're willing to let them stay in their 'safe environment'.

Saying someone is acting a certain way because they're immature doesn't really help things out. Each of us has our own way of doing things and dealing with things. The way she deals with things is just the way she is. Maybe it's different than the way you'd hope she did. You can't make her change, and you either accept the way she is or you don't.

Sit down with her face to face to talk about the relationship. Talk about the relationship, what would be involved in being together, what you both are thinking about as far as school, job, home, family, etc. List them in order of priority and then compare your lists. Maybe there's some sort of compromise you can reach. Remember, few situations are permanent. So you could always live in someplace that is 'better' for her for a few years and then move after that.

People make sacrifices all through a relationship. What if you were in a car accident in a year, and she ended up taking care of you for six months while you recovered. You never know what life will throw at you two. You should both of course work on the relationship - one person can't carry it alone. But what you can do for it now might be more than what she can.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com





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