He says at our age maybe love isnt enough
Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 yrs. We lived together for a year and he asked me to move out because he wasnt feeling "right" about us.
I recently caught him cheating and he begged for my forgiveness telling me he never talked about his feelings towards our relationship with me and just went to another woman.
Its been about a month since that incident and he tells me he is so in love with me, Im such a good person,Im beautiful,etc. He also feels very unsure of taking it to the next level because of some things he throws in my face once in awhile. He says I never complete something I start. I have anxiety disorder and went to therapy and have worked on it and am much better. But for some reason he feels that is not enough. We went out one night after I worked a 12 hr shift and he was mad I was "Out of it" and felt I was miserable and not enjoying his effort. I was very happy to be there but because I was tired I didnt act very excited. I told him this and he said I just wasnt into it. He always brings this up when he is talking about our future.
If anything I should be the one worrying about getting married to a cheater but I love him so much and truly believe he is sorry. He did many things that worried me but I let go of it and move on and it is no longer an issue wit me.
We get along great, have lots of fun,Love each other,
and are really close. He is really down because he loves me so much but is afraid of what might happen in 5 or 10 yrs. He was also married for 8 months at 26 yrs old and he broke it off. He dated her 3 yrs.
Am I wrong to feel this man has extremely high unrealistic expectations from the women in his life? Does he feel there may be something better out there. (until he finds flaws in that person also)
I think we have a great foundation for marriage. To me love is the most important thing and you work on the other stuff. He says at our age maybe love isnt enough, you need the same vision,goals,insirations. I think he is headed for disappointment.
Please help me, I am hurting so much over this.
It sounds to me like things seem to be ok on the surface but when you scratch just a little, things fall apart. He does have expectations that are unrealistic. He asked you to move out because he wasn't feeling right about it, but then he cheats on you. This is a bad sign.
He's so worried about 5 or 10 years from now, and the whole vision, goals, inspirations part of it, but he can't treat you kindly at a dinner date. He needs to rethink the basis of your relationship. Yes, he has reason to worry, but not for the reasons he thinks. He needs to fix himself or things will fall apart. If this relationship really is to succeed as a marriage, then the two of you should get into some sort of counselling so he can hear an impartial third person telling him when he's out of line.
It's wonderful that you have the closeness and the caring and love between the two of you. But there are some fundamentals that are lacking here and it will only cause you continued pain if you don't fix them. Love just isn't enough to keep a marriage going. It's crucial, but there's a lot more that has to be there too. Mutual respect, understanding, compassion, which it seems he's in short supply. He is right that the two of you need to be compatible when it comes to goals and direction, but those are things that you can work on with respect, understanding and compassion.
I wish you the best.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
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