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All love that has not friendship for its base, Is like a mansion built upon the sand. --Ella Wheeler Wilcox



The Popular Boy Seems to Like Me



Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Female
I still have a crush on this guy that I have liked since I was a sophomore in high school. He is so sweet, and of course he is the athletic type, and a ladies man. (so, as you can guess all of the ladies just fall all over him and swarm like bees to him). Of course I know that he can have any girl that he wants, but for some reason, it seems that he doesnt' go for the 'high class' or 'popular girls'.

ANyway, as I've said before, I've known him since the 10th grade, and at the time we would email one another and casually talk when we saw eachother. When he used to see me in the halls walking with other guys, he would look at me like something was wrong when I smiled at him to say hi (I don't always say 'hi' when I see someone, I usually greet them with a smile). Anyway sometimes if I was doing work for a teacher or attending to my own affairs, he would leave the group of friends (female/male) and come over there to speak to me. (I could just feel everyone watching us as we talked-like it was forbidden for us to talk or something!)

He always flirts with me in an aggrivating way (like mocking me or trying to make me mad). Since we've taken the same class two years in a row now, I could always feel him looking at me from across the room-and sure enough he was. In our science labs, he would come over to my group and try to tease me by taking his paper and waving it in my face then pulling it back to him when I tried to grab for it. When I began to laugh saying he wasn't being fair, he laughed too. (I actually saw him smile!)

Today, we had direct eye contact (we usually do) but for some reason today was different. We looked directly in one another's eyes and I saw him or I saw something special about him rather. It was like he was actually telling me that he really liked me. When he flirts with me, he never touches me, but with other girls he does. One time when he emailed me, he told me that 'his life really wasn't all of that'. I even mocked him by telling him that he could have any girl he ever wanted and he told me that 'he couldn't have me so it didn't matter.' (He wanted me? I couldn't believe it-infact I didn't because I thought it was a line and a lie)

When he told me that he kept looking at me to see what i would say, and I told him that he really didn't want me-I wasn't apart of his class. It seems as though all of the popular girls are just bold and come up to him and begin flirting, but when he flirts with me he always comes up to me or initiates it. Sometimes when he sees me he won't even speak, he'll just look.

Is something wrong with me? Does he really like me or is he just playing games, trying to see if he can get me-like he does every other girl at my school? When I tried to ask him if he liked me over the internet, he didn't write me back-infact he didn't write me back for months. All I really want is to hear him tell me that he likes me from his mouth. Please can you tell me, I am really confused about the signals that he's sending off.




RomanceClass.com Advice
This is something that's sort of hard to understand when you're *in* high school, but much easier to understand when you're *out* of high school. Groups do NOT matter at all.

When you're in high school, everything is about groups. One group doesn't talk to another group. One grade doesn't talk to another grade. It's bad for people to date cross-grades. It's bad for people to date cross groups. A guy in one group could NEVER like a girl in another group.

When you get out of high school, you realize just how incredibly artificial all of those are. It makes NO difference where people "think" a person falls as far as groups or grades or anything else goes. That person is an individual, and as an individual that person will change a lot over the years. They could go from liking spiky black clothes to worn blue clothes to soft comfy shirts. They could go from incredibly fit and buff to having a pot belly. People change, people grow, people are NOT little wooden blocks that only fit into one spot.

So in a way, he's being "trapped" into this group by his body and the friends he's picked up along the way. And it's really unfair to say he "can" or "can't" like people because of that! He's a person, he's a very complex person, just like all of us are. He probably has lots of dreams and desires that people in his "group" could never understand, and maybe he'd actually fit much better into a different group if he had his own way. But it's hard to deal with all of that in high school. It usually isn't until people escape to college that they finally get to just be who they want to be.

So anyway, don't tease him about his group or you being out of it. That only reinforces to him just how stuck he is. That's not his fault. You need to see HIM and his special, unique personality. He's already gone far out of his way to show you that he likes you and to flirt with you a ton. He sees something special in you. It's your turn to give him that same respect.

People rarely answer direct "Do you like me?" questions, especially via email or im!! Those sorts of questions should ALWAYS be done in person, in private. Valentine's Day is coming. This is your perfect chance to show him that you really appreciate HIM where everyone else just sees "The Popular Guy in Group X". Find out what his favorite hobby or dream is, and get him a special valentine's day present that has to do with that. Not something wildly extravagant - just something *special*. When you give it to him, tell him that you know he's got all sorts of sides that the others don't see, and that you appreciate them.

That's what people really want in life, to be appreciated for themselves, for their unique facets, and not just lumped in as a "group member". So show him you see those, and make yourself available for meeting up after school or something *as a friend*. I bet if you do, you'll find yourself spending quiet time with him, where the rest can grow.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com




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