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Being Romantic with an Ex



Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Male
I recently got a call from an ex-girlfriend who I have been apart from for about 10 months...She was in a relationship during that time that ended, I am not sure when, but she said it had no future...

She contacted me 3 weeks ago and asked if I would talk to her (I have been angry over how things had ended) and if I would like to just go out with her once in a while to a movie or whatever...I told her I would like that but I could not take knowing that she would be dating other people during that time and told her that I would not want to either...I plainly put it like this, IF we could go about it like IF as we dated that as things went along well and got better from date-to-date that she would see less and less of a need or interest in dating anyone else....She said of course...

Since then we have gone out a few times and talked very little about the situation other than one time when I asked if she had just called me to be friends and she said, "Friends don't date", with the tone that "you don't date your other friends do you?"...

She said she had thought about me a lot over the last months...I said I just wanted to look at this as something that had potential and that I wanted only to date anyone or continue to date anyone only if there was potential...She said she did not want to rush right back into a relationship, but that she understood and that she does not necessarily want to date anyone else...She said I should just relax and take things day-to-day basically...

We have gone out a few times over the last 3 weeks and things seem good, but very awkward...She had said in our last conversation too about dating that just to let her call the shots, because I said I really don't know how to approach this situation...I have been trying to do that and subtly bring up going out...

We exchange at least 2 e-mails a day each and she calls a few times each week...Some days a few times, other days not at all...The problem is I do not know how to approach this...I don't know what to try to do (e.g. hold hands, kiss, etc.) and when...There have been times she has taken my hand, and there have been times when we have kissed much more than a peck, but other times just a peck...BUT, I just do not know how to behave, what to do, and when...I want to be with her as much as I can, but do not want to push things because she said she just does not want to be pressured....

What do you think I should do? Do you think I should just continue to go with the flow and let her call the shots or should I ask some questions like would she mind if I held her hand more or hang around her house more after a date and look for more passionate kisses? Does this make sense? This is literally driving me crazy and I do not know whether to ask, what to ask, when to ask her out, if I should, etc....I would appreciate your input...

Just the other day I did ask her in a note whether she would have minded if I had held her hand when we went to a play last week...Her response was that she was having trouble going from being friends to something romantic...She said that with all the other turmoil in her life (and she does have a lot) that she did not know if that had an effect...She had thought we could just pick up from where we left off before, but that she was having trouble having the romantic feelings again...

She knows I want the relationship back...I have been just trying to be a great friend for now and go out when she will and hope that things grow again...I am literally driving myself crazy not knowing what to do or what will happen...She said too that she can't force the romantic feelings to happen again and does not want to hurt me and wants to be honest, but says she doesn't know what to think or what is the matter with her....

I would appreciate any help you can give...Should I just continue being as good of a friend that I can be for now and go out when she is willing and see if the romance comes back into the relationship or should I try to do things that are more "romantic" like flowers and gifts and cards to try to promote the romance a bit? I really would appreciate any kind of help you can offer....Thank you very much...




RomanceClass.com Advice
Remember, THE most important thing to have in any relationship is to be best friends. Everything else comes and goes. Passion is great when a relationship starts, but after a few years it turns into that comfortable best-friends love and caring that lasts a lifetime. Lots of relationships start with passion and burn out quickly. It's far better to work on the friendship, because that is what will last.

It does sound like she's feeling pressured and confused right now. If she has other things going on in her life too, I'd make your relationship with her into the safe haven. Make it the place where things are quiet, safe, comfortable. Best friends. You can hold hands, and maybe kiss or not kiss as the mood hits. But there's no rush. There's time enough for all of that sort of stuff.

Don't compare whatever passion level you had before with what you have now. You were different people before, you are in a different situation now. That's not to say that you won't ever kiss passionately now! But it's not the key thing that holds you together now. The friendship is far more important. Which is great. So work on the friendship, and let the rest come along slowly. The friendship can last a lifetime, and build a relationship to last with it.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com





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