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Love doesn't sit there like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; remade all of the time, made new. --Ursula K. LeGuin



He's Playing Head Games



Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
Rather than ask a specific question I would like to ask for general insight. For the last five months I have been seeing a gentleman who seems to enjoy head games. I would never confront him because he would only use it against me. It seems everytime I take a step forward he takes a step back. I know how traditional that sounds but this is a matter of control.

Each time I express more than a casual interest he either 1) Ignores me or 2)reacts sarcastically. It's only when I don't call or write, when I don't run over to see him or just when I go about my everyday thing he starts calling. He pays me all this attention until I begin returning the affection and he pulls away. When I act cool, he becomes cold. He used to compliment me a great deal now he finds ways to critique me.

To wrap this up, he seems to only want what he wants when he wants it and only wants what he can't have. Does this sound at all like a head trip? If so, how does a person handle someone like that?




RomanceClass.com Advice
It does sound like he has very confused ideas about how a relationship should run. He might not even be doing it on purpose - maybe this is how his parents acted and what he thinks a relationship should be like. Maybe he thinks that getting too mushy isn't "manly" and the way he is acting is how men should act.

In any case, how you get treated is completely up to you. If he has a tendency to put you down, then stop him immediately when he does. He learned this behavior somewhere, and he can unlearn it. If he protesets, say that you do not deserve to be put down. Period. If he thinks that you DO deserve it, then he doesn't deserve to be around you :) This may all be very subconscious for him and he may be surprised to see how often you stop him for doing it. And he might realize that it's a bad habit of his. It might be that he's jealous of you and this is his way (again subconsciously) to 'put you down' so that you're more of his level. Or that by doing this, you're less likely to leave him because you don't feel like you could "do better".

There could be all sorts of reasons. But the starting point is to not let him treat you badly. Have him stop when he does. If he keeps going, then leave. Either he will learn to treat you more nicely, or he will find someone else to mistreat ...

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com




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