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Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get - only with what you are expecting to give - which is everything. -- Katharine Hepburn



A Crush at Work



Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I'v got a crush on a colleague who works in another building. I see him about once a week because he's helping me out with some problems.I sent him a valentines card that could be interpreted in 2 ways: a compliment about his optimism at work but suggesting that there are more things i like about him. The next time I saw him het thanked me for the card, said he liked it and i could see he really meant that. But I became very shy en closed the subject by saying, you're welcome, glad you liked it. Then we started talking about work immediately. That time he seemed a bit more distant than usual (looking away, a little more space between us). I thougth, he is obviously not interested. But later I thought: well, I kind of slammed the door in his face by reacting the way i did. After that I there were some "good" signs and some "bad" signs:

Good:
- he laughs at my jokes most of the time
- once he looked at me with a BIG and WARM smile, out of the blue (when leaving my office he suddenly turned around en then boom!)
- he doesn't seem to mind when our knees touch when we're sitting next to eachother.(doesn't move away)
- he seems to be comfortable with me: almost lying in his chair, when I sit close to him.
- he often smile's at me

Bad:
- when i try to make a (shy) attempt at flirting (the innocent sort, same as to other collegues) on the phone, suddenly there's a pause, i feel i have to start talking about work again.
- when he's busy he can really sound distant at times, and the last month he is really very busy. And then the next time I call he's friendly (and joking) again.
- maybe he is feeling a bit too comfortable around me, stretching, arms behind his head (maybe he just doesn't care, thinks i'm one of the boys).

I feel really insecure about this, especially if he seems busy and distant i really feel bad, especially if I just made some joke (combined with a question about work) and he doesn't answer.

What do you think, should I ask him what he's thinking about my card and about me? I know man don't usually like to talk about feelings, but i'm kind of desperate about what to do. I think I'd rather know he doesn't like me than go on this way (feeling high, feeling low).






RomanceClass.com Advice
OK, first, the note you make at the end that guys don't like to talk about their feelings. That's the stereotype from the 1950s when guys were 'strong and silent'. Hopefully we've gotten past that stereotype. If anything, guys hate that some women play the *guessing game* and refuse to talk about things openly! Guys hate to play these games of "is she upset? Is she OK? Does she want us to go out?" They just want to know what is going on and to deal with the issues. So while you say that he doesn't want to talk about his feelings, you're sitting there playing guessing games with little tidbits of his behavior and trying to Magic-8 ball what they mean :) So you're the one who is avoiding talking about feelings.

There is NO way to judge what someone means by doing X or doing Y. It might be he was distracted! It might be he really felt good that day. It might be work was bugging him. It might be he just got a raise. There are 80 million reasons for people being happy or sad and only that person knows what the reasons are.

If you guys are friends and talking and hanging out comfortably with each other, that's a great start at friendship. So if you want to start becoming better friends / maybe closer to dating with this guy, the way to do it is to start BEING better friends. You already hang out and talk. So you probably know what his favorite type of food is. So find out what a really good restaurant for that food type is, and then the next time you see him, say you've always wanted to try it and would he go along with you. It's not a date, it's friends having dinner together. Friends often have dinner together, go to movies together, do things together. So make a suggestion or two about things that you know he loves.

If he refuses to even do these things with you as a friend, that'd be a bit odd. Maybe you guys should work on your friendship more. If you are good friends though, there shouldn't be any problem hanging out off-work-hours as friends too. And the more you do things, the closer you will get. Soon you'll be going to more romantic restaurants, more romantic movies. But take it slowly so that you can see if he gets uncomfortable at some point.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com





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