Love and Marriage in a Conservative Society
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
My story is thatI know a guy for six years now, we were colleagues at work and our friendship extended after we left the company we were working for. I know him very well, we used to talk too much – some times reaches three or four times a day. I trust him more than my self, I used to feel very safe when I am with him. I also used to some times see him – go for long walks, and talk about every thing.
I feel also that he was very near to me, he also trusts me, come to me when he is upset, never left me when I am upset, he used to do for me any thing I just mention even if I did not ask for it. He used to do lots of things does not mean other than he loves me.
About his character, he is very kind, honest, responsible, not very much ambitious, he always looks at the black side of the things, always keeps his dignity, prefers others than himself.
I heard that he is not ready to get married , because in our society a man needs to afford to buy lots of things ( for me this is not a problem because I am ready to stand beside him until we do every thing together )
Our relation ship was very strong until one day when I asked him about what he is thinking of our relationship, what kind of relationship is it exactly from his point of view ( please note that we are living in a conservative society) . what happened was that he did not answer , but he did not leave me, he was trying to keep the relationship going on but with out answering my question.
Some times, from time to time he was saying words like ,when I told him that I understood that he does not like me, he answered that I did not understand any thing. Another time he asked me to wait, a third time he said “please don’t make that ends by losing the last six years”
At the end when I insisted to know, he told me that I misunderstood and he does not think of me.
I’m sorry I wrote too long but I wanted to make you know about every thing so you can think with me, Does this guy really loves me and wants to marry me ? ( I’m saying marriage because we are in a conservative society as I mentioned), and may be that was his reply because he is not ready to take a step now and he does not want to tell me any thing until he is ready.
OR, this guy never loved me!!!
I don’t understand what is going on , Please help me to understand how he is really thinking and what should I believe , my feelings and his actions or his words .
I know that there are many societies out there where a guy has to be fully stable and "able to support a family" before he thinks about marriage. If that's what he wants, that's fine. But societies have existed like that for THOUSANDS of years. And in all of them, it was proper for the guy to LET THE GIRL KNOW that she was his intended. A girl isn't supposed to just twiddle her thumbs and hope! That is quite unfair.
It sounds like he's just sort of drifting along and sometimes he thinks he wants to be with you and at other times he's not sure. So sometimes he says "wait for me!" and other times he says "don't bother waiting". I agree that if he wants to wait until he has X dollars, it's fine for him not to ASK you to marry him right now. But on the other hand it is not fine for him to MAKE YOU WAIT until he finally makes up his mind about whether he WILL or not, since in the meantime the years are ticking by and you are putting off your own hopes for a family and home and everything else. Time does not go backwards, you do not regain your youth.
So sit down and talk to him. You guys are best friends, which is the most important core of any relationship. Tell him that you are not immortal. You need to be able to have some plan to your life. That you love him and treasure the many years you have been together. And that you are willing to wait IF IT IS FOR A REASON. But that you need to know if there IS a reason to wait. And that, as a mature adult, it is his responsibility to be honest and open with you.
Love isn't something to play these silly games about. He can't keep hiding because it's "hard to talk about". This is one of THE most important things for him to talk about with you.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
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