Ok, Raven is back everyone! Sorry that I've been gone for so long, but there are some things in my life that I had to deal with on my own.
Right, now getting to my thread. It's basically summed up in that question, "Which temptation do I give it to?"
For those who do not know, I'm a so called "Emo" person. Yes, emos that cut themselves and that kind of stuff. I've made progress by not hurting myself for a couple of months, but not too long ago I took a pin and created two scars across my wrists. They didn't bleed or sting, but the marks are there to remind me of what I did. Sometimes I feel so alone, pathetic and unloved that I just want to hurt myself so I can feel some kind of emotion. I fight the temptation, but I don't know how much longer it will be before I snap!
Now that that's said... So, my boyfriend and I will be nine months together tomorrow! I'm so excited! Our relationship was a bit rocky for the past two/three months, which ended up in him threatening to break up with me and me becoming emotionally scarred. But we've managed to sort things out between us and are quite happy together. Yesterday was the first time he said 'Goodbye' and 'Ilove you' in the same sentence. He usually doesn't tell me he loves me THAT upfront. But I'm glad for it.
The thing is, I tend to dream about him a lot. And not in a very good way either. Let me explain this one dream that I kept on having every night:
I wake up lying on cold ground. I sit up, cross-legged in my nightdress and reach out towards a vision, only for my fingers to collide with a rough, glass wall that makes me bleed. Looking through the glass, I see my love running from the shadowy form of evil beings. Whips and blades come from the shadow mass and strike him down, piercing him, making him pour his own life force. Then he lay motionless. I try to break the glass wall, but to no avail. I have failed to protect him, failed to help him when he needed me the most...
These dreams scare the life out of me. If I have these dreams, I'm nervous to see him the next day. When I do, I start panicking. I ask if he is alright and if he's hurt. The answer is always no, but this fear of not being able to be his 'guardian angel' is driving me insane. Do these dreams mean something, or is it just my fear of losing him that is taking over my mind?
Yesterday, he showed me his exam writing paper. In there, it stated many things that I was unaware of:
- His parents fight a lot
- He smoked marijuana in his grade 8 and 9 years of high school
- There is this other girl he likes more than a friend (thank God she's not in the same city of us)
This worries me quite a lot. The fact that his parents fight kills me, because he doesn't deserve to be in the middle of it and doesn't need to see it happening! Ok, so my parents of divorce. It took me almost three years to accept it. I don't want him to go through what I did. But if it does happen (and God say it won't) I am prepared to help him. The fact that he smoked marijuana doesn't bother me at all. Ok, so we all make mistakes. I don't judge him because he did it, but what kind of person he is now is almost like that drug was never in him (trust me, I know. I know far too many people that take drugs and stuff). And lastly, this girl really gets to me. I'm super-sensitive when it comes to 'sharing' him because of my fear of losing him and all the multiple times I came close to losing him. But... I don't know. What am I supposed to do? I can't tell him how to feel, but I don't want him to feel guilty because he feels my bad vibes.
Everything that happened in the past three months is really taking its toll on me: physically. If I get any scars, they take weeks to disappear. My body bruises easily and sometimes I'm covered in blue marks. I'm always tired and my legs give in under me a lot to the point where I can't walk and (to my dismay) need to be carried. I don't eat and sometimes need to be force-fed. I'm scared that I might go into a state that will bring my boyfriend down. He already tells me that I need to eat more and things like that. What am I to do? I'm on vitamin tablets, but I can't stay on it forver.
Sorry, it's quite a long post and a real twisting story.
