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#167290 - 04/07/07 08:42 PM Can't get her out of my head
abcdx Offline
New Member

Registered: 04/07/07
Posts: 12
Loc: UK
Ok, this is the my story... (please bare with me)...
About 3-4 years ago I started talking to this girl, (who is in another country) on MSN. I talked to her for a while and after about 4-5 months, I went on holiday to visit some relatives and I met up with her. (I have relatives and a house where she lives so I go there pretty much every year).

When I was there, I met her (3 times altogether) and also went to her house and met her parents. (Nothing special, just a polite, social thing over there).

I can tell you that she is like the girl of my dreams. (She doesn't have supermodel looks or anything like that. I just like her)

While I was there, I started phoning her and I even continued trying to call her when I came back home (uk).
But then I found out that she got a boyfriend. (This was after I met her).

When I found out that she'd got a b/f... yep.. it was like I was going to have a heart attack or something.
After that, I stopped calling her and just lost contact with her (she hardly came online again).

(Fast forward about 1 year)...
A year afterwards, I moved country (to where she is) to try out my own business. I was quite pre-occupied with what I was doing but when I did arrive there, I did call her once, just to tell her that I was in the country. (I didn't want her to find out that I was there from her friend that I know). After that it was all quiet again.

(Fast worward about another year)...
After staying over there for about 1 year. All of a sudden, one day she started chatting to me online. (I did see her online occasionally, but we never chat).
We started talking and she said that she liked talking to me because I was understanding so we ended up talking nearly everyday, online, with quite a few txt msgs after a few months too. We talked pretty much about everything. She even told me about her b/f or when they had arguements.

After talking nearly everyday for a year I went out and met her a few times (3 times to be exact). She was going out to some conference and invited me along.
At that time, I was planning to come back to the UK because business wasn't going too well.
I did get to have dinner with her on my last night before I flew back. (This was about 4 months ago).

Anyway, as you might have guessed, I was still talking to her online pretty much everyday. And then... on Valentines Day, she told me that she broke up with her b/f. She said that she loves him but he doesn't love her and doesn't care about her...
If you guys are still reading this, I know you'll probably be thinking that I am jumping around the room and taking out the champaign but I didn't. I really, really felt bad. Like having that heart-attack feeling again when she told me how sad and dissapointed she was (with all the crying emoticons). frown
Whenever she tells me stuff about how her b/f made her sad or cry it always makes me feel angry... of myself because I can't say or do anything for her.

After that night that she told me, I realised that I really do still have feelings for her. (She's been in my mind just about everyday when I wake up in the mornings and before I go to sleep).

About a week after that, she told me that she was feeling better and that the other day, she went to get her fortune read... and the fortune teller told her that she's going to meet "The One" in March or May... (which I can clearly see that the fortune teller wasn't talking about me) frown

I have tried dropping hints that I (still) like her to see what she says and I know she likes talking to me, but I'm pretty sure that she only thinks of me as a "friend" or maybe a "good friend".
Me moving back to the UK really doesn't help either. When I spoke to her after that Valentines Day, she told me that she didn't know who to talk to so she called a friend who then told all her other friends, who were all caring and helped her through her hard time.

Now I really, really feel like I've lost my only chance to be able to get close to her. I really feel that if I stayed on a bit longer and didn't move back to the UK then I could have been there for her and maybe, just maybe something might have come good or I might have had the chance to tell her how I really feel about her.

Now today, she told me that she went to the seaside with someone. And I asked her if he was someone new and special. She didn't say "yes" or "No" but she had one of them smiley/shy emoticons.

So... after a month or two from breaking up with her b/f and 3 years from my first heart-ache with her... she has someone new in her life and I'm having to go through that down, heart-attack, loss of will and energy feeling "again" without getting the chance to tell her how I really feel. Then again.... I really should have gotten over her 3 years ago. I was planning to go back in the middle or the end of this year and hopefully get the chance to tell her but I guess that moment will never happen.

I'm so gutted. I feel as though Someone up there really doesn't like me and is playing games with me, or something like that.

I sometimes wish that I should never have talked to her that much (like nearly everyday) over the past year. I sometimes think I should just dissappear and not talk to her again, even if she contacts/talks to me. But then, she won't really know why I've gone quiet. (Probably think that I'm busy). Or should I just carryon and be supportive of her as usual and pretend that nothings going on inside of me? I guess I'll never really get the chance to get close to her or be more than a friend to her. Especially since I'm in another country.

But now... I really think it's time to make a decision....

So, could anyone of you help me? I would be grateful like to hear your opinions.

P.S. Sorry. My writting may be a bit off or may not make sence in some places, because it's about 1:30am at the moment.

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#167299 - 04/07/07 09:07 PM Re: Can't get her out of my head [Re: abcdx]
Coco's Mama Offline
Platinum Star Soulmate

Registered: 11/18/06
Posts: 7842
Loc: Ontario, Canada
I don't mean to be harsh ,I am an honest girl to a fault and have been known to be terse but that story made me angry. So if you read this just know I don't think you need any more sugar coated lying.

You feel like someone up there is playing games how about right here, her and ahem u too a little. You can't be like 20 yrs old so I am trying to wrap my mind around the crazy scenario.

You talk to her/ meet her/ find out she has someone/ it stops
1 year later/you move to the same country and I do hope that it was only for business reasons/ still stopped (except for you letting her know you had moved there)
Another Year of your life/she starts chatting /communications open

Now this is what gets me, she seems to contact you to use you or USE you as a sounding board for all her man troubles, as a single gal let me tell you( I reserve that info. for other girlfriends or my gay hairdresser who is like my best friend) I would not be telling my guy probs. to a guy I had any interest in. Big No-no.
So really where are we at now, she has you at arms length or more but is keeping you emotionally invested in her, crying etc, can be weilded as a weapon but should never be.
Then she got upset when you wanted to move home, please tell me I have that wrong...please I want to be wrong, A friend would respect your decision to move back to you homeland, as if it isn't hard enough to run your own business from home never mind gamble in a new country. You tried that is a huge thing, it's gutsy and couragous and you want to go home ...go for it. You did a big thing and she wants to keep you around to talk to , pay a therapist, not someone who's heart is on the line. She should have NEVER made you fell guilty about leaving.NEVER.

Franly you should have of course in hind sight told her ur feelings but she would have to be daft not to know , I am sorry to say she sounds like a couple of women I have met, and unfortunately she probably does know how you feel, she just doesn't care.

I think you should not waste another precious day on her. Start fresh.

I am sorry if this upset you but you asked for opinions and this is mine. Keep in mind all I had to go on was what you wrote and women's intuition. Maybe I am right off.. just thought i throw in my 2 cents or pence lol.

_________________________

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#167349 - 04/07/07 11:09 PM Re: Can't get her out of my head [Re: Coco's Mama]
victor Offline
Best Friend

Registered: 01/19/06
Posts: 1347
Abcdx, I've got to agree with coco's mama on this one. I would forget about her and move on. It sounds to me that she had opportunity enough to start something with you if she wanted and she didn't - so I'd let it go. It sounds like you have been a great support to her and a great ear to bend - and you will make some woman very happy, trust me. But this particular woman I would let go - for basically the reasons coco's mama spelled out - she leans on you for emotional support and probably makes herself feel better in doing so - but does not let things progress futher. Intentionally or not, I think that qualifies as using you. Furthermore, girls who e-mail guys about all the fights they are having with their current long term boyfriend - red flag right there - Do you have any reason to think that type of behavior would change? Do you want YOUR girlfriend e-mailing other guys about your relationship. Yuck. Get out.
There are so many nice girls out there who would treat you better than that - but you won't find them if you have blinders on and just pine away for this one girl. To be honest, even if she ended up calling YOU and telling you she had all these feelings for you, I would STILL be nervous about getting involved with her... its her pattern of behavior that makes me very uncomfortable. Like I said, it might not be intentional, but it is not fair to you and that should be enough for you to walk away from it. Just take a break and get yourself doing what you like to do, and you will find better things. Good luck.

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#167406 - 04/08/07 05:10 AM Re: Can't get her out of my head [Re: Coco's Mama]
abcdx Offline
New Member

Registered: 04/07/07
Posts: 12
Loc: UK
Thanks for the replies Coco Mama, Victor.
(Coco Mama) I just wanted to clear things a bit...

Firstly, I'm about 25-26 now and when I went over there 2 years ago, I did go over there purely to try out a business venture without her in my mind.

But then... I did get to talk to her online nearly everyday (for nearly a year). The talk was pretty much normal conversations and discussions (like what friends talk about) and sometimes she did tell me about her b/f (through msn, not by email). I think she told me about her problems because she felt safe to tell me? I may be wrong, but that what I felt.

And " she got upset when you wanted to move home, please tell me I have that wrong...please I want to be wrong ".... I can tell you (Coco Mama) that that's wrong. She wasn't upset. (Well, at least I didn't think she was). My last day there, I just had dinner with her and drove her home. And she also gave me a little gift (a bookmarker to be exact).

>"you should have of course in hind sight told her ur feelings "
Trust me... I really wanted to. If it wasn't the fact that she had a b/f already, I probably would have tried to tell her. But it was like I never got the chance. And then when I did get a glimpse of a chance (when she broke up with her b/f)... I'm not around to tell her (because I came back to the UK!). Now... that really feels like someone's playing games with me! -__-"

... in reality, I think I'm never going to get the chance to tell her how I really feel about her. -__-"

But thanks for your opinions. They're much appreciated.

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#167412 - 04/08/07 09:08 AM Re: Can't get her out of my head [Re: abcdx]
Carl Offline
Silver Star Soulmate

Registered: 05/27/06
Posts: 5173
Loc: Gator Country, Florida - USA
Originally Posted By: abcdx

... in reality, I think I'm never going to get the chance to tell her how I really feel about her.


I quite agree with Coco's Mom, who said:

"Franly you should have of course in hind sight told her ur feelings but she would have to be daft not to know , I am sorry to say she sounds like a couple of women I have met, and unfortunately she probably does know how you feel, she just doesn't care.

I think you should not waste another precious day on her. Start fresh."


I wish you success in life and business. And just as importantly, I hope you will - when you are ready - meet someone with whom you could not possibly resist sharing your feelings.

My intuition tells me that you were fortunate to not have opened up with one you've told us about. As CM hinted, no doubt she still read you like an open book. And probably would have continued to use you.

Too bad her reading didn't include comprehension of who you really are. Her loss!
_________________________
Marge is the love of my life.

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#167444 - 04/08/07 12:03 PM Re: Can't get her out of my head [Re: abcdx]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
Hi abcdx smile

Welcome to the forum & sorry to hear about your heartache. frown

I agree with the others, to a certain extent, but it is possible that she did just see you as just a close friend and maybe was behaving accordingly ~ as she would with her girlfriends ~ and not using you. This boy-girl-close-friendship thing seems to happen a lot nowadays, but didn't so much in the past. It is possible that this is how she read it.

She may have known that you really liked her, but may have thought that you fully realised that friendship is as far as it was going to go.

On the other hand, she may not have known. She may be telling her friends that there is a chap she has fancied for years, but he only wants to be friends. Have you considered that?

Consider:

You have never asked her out.

You have had a couple of meals with her.

You have 'spoken' long-distance via the Internet, on and off over a number of years.

You have met her 6 or 7 times in about 4 years.

Is this correct?
This hardly counts as a real relationship.

You don't really know her & she doesn't really know you. It sounds to me ~ forgive me for my bluntness ~ that you are in love with an idea ~ in love with love. It's like people being besotted with a pop star, who one sees on stage or back-stage and maybe meets in person a few times.

You sound like a very nice person; I don't think that we can know enough about this girl to judge, because I don't think that you really know her.

There are girls, though, who would really appreciate your caring attitude, together with the strength of will to start a business in another country. These are very positive traits.

Think about it. You must know deep down.

Is she using you?
Does she know that you like her?
Does she even relate to you as a real individual, rather than a 'cyber-friend'?
Is she genuinely nice?

If you know that she is not right for you & has just been using you, try to move on.

If you think that she is a good person, then give her a chance. If you want to pursue this, then you need to make the relationship real. Meet her properly; get to know each other properly. Tell her how you feel ~ otherwise you cannot be sure that she knows.

Otherwise, accept that you have been a shoulder to cry on ~ apparently people find it easier to do this with people they meet online ~ and get to know some real girls, with whom you can interact in the real world. You are too old now for teenage crushes on people you don't really know.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but you need to be objective ~ and that is difficult, when love and infatuation get in the way.

Good luck!!
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#167560 - 04/08/07 05:09 PM Re: Can't get her out of my head [Re: PDM]
victor Offline
Best Friend

Registered: 01/19/06
Posts: 1347
OK perhaps I was too harsh on your female friend. However I think this comes down to a question we have discussed previously: Can a heterosexual man and woman maintain a close platonic relationship? I have argued generally not. Thus the current state of your relationship - one where you are a confidant on a daily basis about private matters - in my opinion cannot be sustained indefinitely. Either it turns into a relationship or it goes away. It's just my intuition but I feel she must have known you had feelings for her - but I could be wrong about that. Is there a problem with just laying it all on the line and telling her you have feelings for her? If she has had hidden feelings for you, then that is good news for you. If she is not interested, wouldn't you want to just know that and move on? You might as well just lay the issue to rest - that is, if you can accept the possibility of rejection.

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#167587 - 04/08/07 06:50 PM Re: Can't get her out of my head [Re: victor]
abcdx Offline
New Member

Registered: 04/07/07
Posts: 12
Loc: UK
Ok, first, I think should give a little bit more detail (that I could remember). When I went there for a holiday and the first time I met her, (before I went to do business over there) I did actually meet her parents and her Grandmother, at her Grandmother's country house. And her Mother even gave me a gift, which I still have. Althought I regard it as just being a nice gesture because I did give her some things (fruit, chocolates, etc) that I took over from the UK.

Now, moving forward (or going back) to when she started talking to me again when I was over there (to do business)... We did chat online for a while and what I remember, one day (after a few chat sessions) she said to me that she was sorry, about the past. (She was refering to a year or so ago before when I first met her, tried calling her, found out that she got a b/f and then she went quiet on me)... So, she did know that I liked her.
However, when she told me this, I kind of pretended to not know what she meant and said something like... "sorry for what?". Which made her change subject.
After that, I just tried to talk to her normally and didn't try to make any advances or give any hints that I still had feelings for her, and just basically tried to be supportive of her... because at that time, I kind of got my mind set that "I was over her and that she is only a friend". This actually worked quite well, until she told me about her having arguments with her b/f and that she sometimes cried because of him. Sometimes I would sit onfront of the screen and feel like crying with her.
But it really hit me that I still have feelings for her on that Valentines Day when she told me that her b/f doesn't care about her or love her... but she loves him.

However, I guess now her umm... ex. b/f is now irrelevent to her because she has someone new in her life.

> "Is there a problem with just laying it all on the line and telling her you have feelings for her? If she has had hidden feelings for you, then that is good news for you. If she is not interested, wouldn't you want to just know that and move on? " [victor]
What's really bugging me is the fact that I don't have the chance and probably will never have the chance of telling her and will never know what she really thinks about me. I guess if I did get the chance to tell her and I did get a rejection, I would probably be able to bite the bullet and really forget about her and move on... instead of having that "what could have been" thought in my head.

I didn't get the feeling that she was using me, but (like what PDM said) I guess she may have thought of me as a close friend?

Now my dilema on what to do next is...
- If I see her online... should I make that first "hello" (i.e. start up the conversations with her)?
- If I do talk to her online or whatever, should I still talk to her as normal?
- If I do happen to go back to her country (which sooner or later I probably will, either for work or holiday), should I contact her.
- Do I just talk to her normally (give her support or whatever) as usual and hope that I'll get the chance to tell her how I feel one day (maybe when I move or go on holiday there)... just basically being hopeful?
- .. Or should I keep in contact with her less. Just keep quiet, try not to talk to her and just loose contact with her?

As always. Thank you all for your opinions. They are very appreciate.

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#167598 - 04/08/07 07:38 PM Re: Can't get her out of my head [Re: abcdx]
Carl Offline
Silver Star Soulmate

Registered: 05/27/06
Posts: 5173
Loc: Gator Country, Florida - USA
More and more detail doesn't keep our thoughts from going back to the one thing about all of this that keeps standing out:

Why you thought and still think that you have no chance to tell her how you really feel.

Most Romance novels have a twist or two or three that invariably result from poor communication/understanding of what the other thinks, feels, or even the meaning of what the other says.

Did/do you feel you had/have no chance to speak of your feelings because of the past bf/present bf?

While I suppose it is considered poor form to "hit" on someone who is in a relationship, it could well be true that she has also felt that she should say nothing to you.

Since you have talked often, I think you owe it to yourself, and possibly her to admit that while her friendship has always and wil always remain important, had she been free you would have pursued a romantic interest in her.

Sounds like the time she spoke about being sorry, you perhaps shouldn't have blithely acted as if you didn't know what she meant.

Maybe one of you needs to speak openly.

Or move on.
_________________________
Marge is the love of my life.

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#167617 - 04/08/07 08:44 PM Re: Can't get her out of my head [Re: Carl]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
Yes, absolutely. You have known each other long enough now ~ though not well enough, it seems ~ to be honest. Even if she has a boyfriend, you don't know how serious it is. Even if you go out together, you don't know how things will end up.

Just tell her, as Carl suggested, 'that while her friendship has always and will always remain important, had she been free you would have pursued a romantic interest in her'.

You don't really have much to lose and possibly a lot to gain.
It's time for truth and openness, no more game-playing!


Edited by PDM (04/09/07 06:29 PM)
Edit Reason: typo
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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