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#183894 - 05/21/07 08:52 PM GF hiding the fact that man is staying w/ her
diddywhat Offline
New Member

Registered: 05/21/07
Posts: 1
I that a man is going to be staying with my girlfriend over the next few days and she is hiding this from me, she has told her mom and others but not me. What should I do? We have been together over 2 years and she says she wants to marry me/move in with me. I am a single full-time father of a 3 year old child, that she loves very much. This is very stressful for me, that she is hiding this and I have been telling her how I truly feel which is that I'm okay with her wanting to be with other guys but that trust is all that is important, that hiding something from me would hurt. I am tempted to go by and spy at night but know this is intense. I am also tempted to go by in the morning before work and drop some things off, just to be able to see the guy. I don't want to be mad at her, I want to trust her, and don't know why she's hiding things. Our relationship has been hard this past weekend, maybe partially because of me knowing this and her hiding it from me. I don't want to cause a scene but I want her to understand that it hurts me when she hides things like this from me. She says stuff like she's all mine all the time and I'm serious about her. Why else would she hide this from me except with the intention of cheating or at least wanting to leave her options in case the guy wants her.

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#183906 - 05/21/07 09:10 PM Re: GF hiding the fact that man is staying w/ her [Re: diddywhat]
LoRaXspeek4keets Offline
Soulmate

Registered: 05/08/07
Posts: 2344
Loc: NY
I think the best thing that you could do is to not jump to any conclusions. I just got out of a relationship where the man I loved never stopped jumping to conclusions about me, to the point where it became ridiculous and emotionally abusive. So I'd suggest to you that you calm down, and unassuminigly and calmly confront her about this. Just tell her that you know that she's been hiding something from you, and tell her that you want a loving relationship where the two of you can trust and confide in each other. Tell her that you don't want the friction of a secret between you. But remember that you MUST maintain respect for her personal space...if you want this to work, she cannot feel violated. And who knows? The reason she hasn't told you could be something as silly as she didn't know how and was afraid you'd be angry and/or threatened. I'm not excusing her behavior, but if she says she loves you, and you haven't had trust issues with her in the past, then you should have some faith in her. Speaking from painful experience, a relationshp is nothing...NOTHING...without trust. And if you feel you cannot trust each other, then, as painful as it is, you might not be in the right relationship. But the biggest thing that I would warn you against is that you don't hurt her or push her away by immediately thinking the worse of her. My ex boyfriend did that to me, and it led to my clinical depression and a whole year of constantly being hurt. I understand that I represent the extreme--this was a very emotionally abusive relationship that I luckily managed to get myself out of before it turned into physical abuse--but I'm just offering you a picture of what you should steer clear of. Try to go into this with a clear head. Hope this helps! smile
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#183925 - 05/21/07 09:27 PM Re: GF hiding the fact that man is staying w/ her [Re: diddywhat]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
Originally Posted By: diddywhat
... Why else would she hide this from me except with the intention of cheating or at least wanting to leave her options in case the guy wants her.


The answer is that I just don't know why.

What are the options?
~ He's just a friend, who is staying over & there's nothing more to it.
~ It's not even true ~ no-one is staying there.
~ She fancies him and is planning on sleeping with him ~ a brief 'fling'.
~ She is in love with him & plans to stay with him.
~ She wants to have a relationship with both of you, but doesn't want to talk about the one to the other - because it's awkward.
~ It's a rumour to make you jealous & make you realise that you need to be honest with her.

Could any of therse be possible?

'I'm okay with her wanting to be with other guys'

What does this mean?
Does she usually date other men, even though she is with you?
If you have said that you are all right with it, why are you getting stressed about it?

You are okay with her seeing other men, but you were thinking of spying on them at night or early in the morning?! confused

Does that really sound as if you are 'okay with her wanting to be with other guys'?
I don't think it does!

This is how it sounds to me.

You have said that she can see other men.
So ...
she is either seeing another man, because you have 'given her permission',
or pretending to see another man, to show you that you are not really 'okay with it',
or you are so concerned that you have said that you are okay about it, when you are not, that you have made a mountain out of a molehill.

It sounds to me as if you are not being truthful with her.
You talk about trust, but want to spy on her with another man.
You say that you are okay with her seeing other men, but you are finding this stressful.

If she is taking you at your word, that she can see another man, and is doing so, it's quite understandable that she wouldn't tell you. You may see it as trust; she might see it as rubbing your nose in it. By not telling you, she may be doing you a kindness ~ though of course she may not be doing anything at all.

Tell her the truth ~ that you are not at all comfortable about her seeing other men. She might be pleased. Most women would not want their partners to offer them this dubious freedom. Most want a committed 1:1 relationship.

Quote:
'She says stuff like she's all mine'
'I'm serious about her'


Then act upon it ~ tell her you love her and want her and don't want to share her with other men, but want her in your life and your child's life on a permanent, serious & monogamous basis. (Provided that this is true, of course.)

Good luck! smile
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#183945 - 05/21/07 09:50 PM Re: GF hiding the fact that man is staying w/ her [Re: PDM]
LoRaXspeek4keets Offline
Soulmate

Registered: 05/08/07
Posts: 2344
Loc: NY
Originally Posted By: PDM

~ It's a rumour to make you jealous & make you realise that you need to be honest with her....
Then act upon it ~ tell her you love her and want her and don't want to share her with other men, but want her in your life and your child's life on a permanent, serious & monogamous basis. (Provided that this is true, of course.)


While I agree with most of this, I find that first part a bit troubling--the point it that he should NOT become paranoid. That's what we're trying to avoid because it can only lead to problems. There is almost no point to sitting down and trying to think before hand what's really going on without asking her, because that count's as jumping to conclusions, which can be hurtful on both sides. You know what they say about the word "assume," right? So don't do that to her. Don't disrespect the woman you love by putting words in her mouth, or assuming that you're inside of her head. I know that there is a possibility that she is disrespecting you by not telling you something that she should tell you, but disrespecting her by not giving her the benefit of the doubt and actually talking to her can only make things worse. So I stress: DO NOT EVER JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS. It neevr leads to anything good. Now, about the second part of what PDM said, I completely agree. You're not being completely honest with her or yourself when on the one hand, you talk about trust and it's OK for her to be with other people, but on the other hand, you're having to stop yourself from spying on her. This isn't healthy, and perhaps you need to come to terms with what it is you really expect out of this relationship. Don't lower your expectations for anybody, and don't be afraid of coming out hurt in the end. The thing that complicates things for you is that there is a child involved. For the sake of your 3-year-old, you don't want an unhealthy relationship. An unhealthy relationship can be very toxic to children, and you need to be protective and make sure that you're not with someone who's willing to hurt you. Because the best way to figure out how someone's going to treat you and your own is to look at how they treat other people. Since you have a child that she is involved with, then if she's cheating on you, then she's not just disrespecting you anymore. Children need stability. So keep that in mind. But again, I would like to emphasize that fact that you need to not make any assumptions about her. If this i the woman that you love, then you need to give her the benefit of the doubt, and have enough respect for her to sit down and actually talk to her. It may be one of those things that you laugh about later--you never know! Give her a chance to be the one to tell you what's going on--because all the information you have comes from unreliable sources...anyone that's not her is an unreliable source. Don't assume that you know everything--I assure you, you probably don't. Again, hope this helps! smile
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#184008 - 05/21/07 10:59 PM Re: GF hiding the fact that man is staying w/ her [Re: LoRaXspeek4keets]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
Yes, LoRaXspeek4keets, I agree ~ I was just looking at some of the possibilities, and one was that this woman might feel a bit unhappy that her man says that he doesn't mind her being with other men ~ and wonders if that is really true; which, of course, as this man has shown, it isn't.

What is required here is honest, open, respectful discussion between these two parties.
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#184106 - 05/21/07 11:55 PM Re: GF hiding the fact that man is staying w/ her [Re: PDM]
LoRaXspeek4keets Offline
Soulmate

Registered: 05/08/07
Posts: 2344
Loc: NY
I agree--men think that they're being accomodating when they tell their women that they can see other people, and in some cases they are. But what is usually the case is that it makes the woman feel like her man doesn't care that much about her, and so she might loosen her grip just to avoid being hurt. diddywhat, I'd be very careful about the tone you set in a relationship because both parties could end up getting hurt if you're not. Just treat this situation wih caution. I wih you the best and hope that it's nothing!
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