RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Does He/She Like Me? Getting her to laugh.

Hi Everyone,

Just wanted to introduce myself first since this is my first post. I'm Jonathan and I'm trying to find some help with an issue I've been having. I'm gonna try NOT to make this post sound like I'm at a group intervention, but I am seeking guidance and any input is much appreciated.

I've been out of the relationship scene for a while. I'm dating off and on. I haven't had a real relationship in a few years. Like I said, I'm going out occasionally, but I miss being in a relationship, and I would like to get involved with someone serious.

Now, I am a shy individual that I am slowly overcoming. I know it got progressivly worse when I was in college (yeah I know, college... of all times to be progressively get shyer... sucks). But my last year got better and now that I am out working, its going well. I have noticed that I am having a hard time making the girls I go out with smile... or laugh for that matter. I smile, I laugh when I find something funny that she says, or I see happening, but I cannot seem to make it happen the other way around. I will say, I do feel this is preventing me from getting to the relationship part... or the 3rd date for that matter. Maybe not so much preventing me, but it would help a lot. Any tips that can help me develop a sense of humour?

Jonathan

Uhm...this is a hard one. I don't know if I have any tip to give you, but from a female's point of view, I'd laugh at a joke if it's at the right time...and also it's my type of jokes too. I'd say pay close attention to the stuff she likes, and the stuff she doesn't like or extremely sensitive about when you wanna make a joke. Just be yourself...and be confident. Some girls are just plain harder to make them smile than others, no matter how hard you try....and some will laugh at the silliest things you say.

GOod luck!!!

Hello Jonathan & welcome.

Are you saying that when you go out with girls they never smile at all ~ or just that they don't laugh at your jokes, etc?

When you laugh at something, what do 'they' do?
Do they look uncomfortable?
Have you got an unusual sense of humour?
Do you laugh at 'unsuitable' things?

And to say 'they' is a generalisation ~ surely 'they' can't all react the same???

So yes, as lagirl says, it's a hard one.

Do you think that your shyness is making the girls feel a little awkward?

Do you think that your shyness is making you 'try too hard' or make you seem awkward?


Tips?

Well, you could try watching videos of comedians & reading funny books. This will mean that funny stories and quips are already in your head and you won't be floundering around for something funny to say.

But, as Lagirl says, 'be yourself'. Don't 'try' to make girls laugh or smile ~ just behave normally and let them respond normally. I know that they say girls love men who can make them laugh ~ but it also works the other way round, girls will smile at men they like.

Talk to them; find out what interests them; show an interest, yourself. Build up a positive friendship and see how it develops.

Have you watched the programme 'Beauty and the Geek'?
It shows how some young men have no idea how to behave around girls ~ and girls, therefore, do not appreciate them.
But once they relax & learn to interact, the barriers come down, the real people shine through, and genuine friendships may form.

Good luck!

Well.. I was never one of those guys fortunate enough to find a girl that likes the shy guys and tries to break them out of their shells. I feel like that breed of women is dying out completely.

To answer your question PDM, no its not that they don't smile at all, I can get them to smile occasionally by making comments about how they look, their hair, smile, eyes, dress, etc. I might get them a flower or something unexpected, that always gets a smile. Its just being funny. Getting them to laugh. I might say something that I find funny or poke fun at her just get a smile or laugh to arise, but it doesn't quite work how I want it too.

Whats really a downer is when I am on a date, we're making conversation, I'll do a little flirting in between, teasing her... especially if this is a girl I really like, but then some guy friend of hers shows up and stops by to say hey, and not but after 4 words out of his mouth, she's laughing histerically... sometimes over something that doesn't make any sense. Now I say this as only one example.. its only happened to me twice as I can recall. But this kind of gives you an idea that something I'm doing isn't right or that I'm not doing.

I guess I do feel the pressure sometimes of wanting things to go well that I fail due to over compensating for things that I think will go right and that will help me get my foot in the door. (Not literrally... well maybe sometimes. ha! j/k). I just get the notion that the girls I'm with aren't really having a good time hanging out with me.

I have watched Beauty and the Geek. I find it hilarious. I get the idea. Yeah some of those guys are shy and some really don't care. But the thing is.. is that they are living in a house with the girls for a period of months and are forced to interact with each other in order to achieve a certain goal. I mean, normally you'll get comfortable when you're around certain people for a time being. It does take me a while to open up to people. I've been hurt before... really badly... and it sucks. Its not fun. I am willing to put myself out there again to find someone special, BUT not to someone who doesn't show an ounce of interest on my behalf, and thats generally the issue I have with the women I meet. I don't see them showing interest in me... not even for just a friendship. I don't have any girls in my life that I can call a friend. Sure I've got plenty of female acquaintances, but anytime I have tried to get closer to one of them (whether it be for a friendship or something more), it crumbles.... and I don't know why. I don't have any women in my life that can tell me, "Ok Jon, I'm going to be brutally honest with you. I've seen you do this and that and this is wrong, but this is good." The only people I can get advice from are my guy friends which doesn't work. Which is strange because they are actually making friends and relationships and I'm not.

I'm obviously doing something that might make them uncomfortable around me. I don't know what it is. I'm not a starer. I don't stare down (I make myself look at the eyes... not the chest area. I've been trying to avoid looking down at all during a date).

Sorry, I think I'm exposing a little more than I should. I do feel like that if I can be funnier, it might make me seem more interesting to the girl. I mean, it maybe more than just being funny, but the thing is I don't know what it is. I can't figure it out. I don't have anyone to help me or give me decent pointers or advice... I mean thats why I came here in hopes to get a little more female perspective on things because I don't have that. I feel like if I did, it would really help me out. But I just don't have anyone willing to give the time of day. All this is sad I know... sorry for being such a downer.

Jonathan

Don't worry about 'being such a downer' ~ haven't you read the other problems on here?! All problems make all people feel down.

Now, female advice ....

Not knowing you I cannot be specific, but I'll tell you a few things to be careful of:

Do Not Try To Be Funny!!
It has to come naturally or it won't work.

Don't make jokes or funny comments about race, religion, people's looks, disabilities, intellect, etc.
I'm not suggesting that you would, but some people do, and it can be a turn off.

Make sure that you are always clean. Girls, generally, don't like to be out with boys who smell, or haven't showered/bathed, haven't brushed their teeth, washed their hair, wiped their noses, cleaned their ears, changed their socks and underwear, etc. Ensure your clothes are clean and smell nice, too.
One boy, requesting advice on here, was surprised to learn these things!!

Not all want their boys to be 'fashionable', but they do like them to look 'good'. Back to 'Beauty & the Geek' ~ you'll know what I mean if you've seen the boys' make-over episode.

Have something interesting to talk about. At first that generally means ~ ask them about themselves & show a genuine interest in what they are saying. (Ideas: What are their hobbies? What music or films do they like? What are they studying? What are their ambitions? Do they like to travel & if so where?)

When you talk, don't hog the conversation ~ make sure it is a dialogue.

It's nice that you pay compliments, but too many personal comments will make them feel awkward.

Forget about trying to be funny. Some people are natural comedians and others are not.

Plus, girls laugh at boys' comments, regardless of how funny they are, if they find those boys attractive.
(You know the song ~ 'Don't laugh at my jokes too much, people will say we're in love.')

If you are on a date with a girl, and she's laughing with other boys rather than with you, then, in my opinion, she's not the girl for you.

Find girls who are interested in the same things you are.
They may then find the same things amusing as you do.
And they might find you interesting enough to be attracted and amused by you, for who you are.

Don't be tempted to try to be someone else in order to attract girls. You will just be fooling them and yourself.

I did advise watching funny videos, etc, so that you have amusing lines in your head. My son recommends 'Anchor Man'.

Heh... I haven't seen 'Anchor Man' yet. I heard it was hilarious. I'll have to pick it up.

I can safely say that I'm not naturally funny. Now I do wash my clothes, I shower, I brush my teeth, I use listerine, I comb my hair. I wear nice shirts and pants. So, I can also safely say I have learned to prepare myself for a date.

Do you think its possible to seem too interested in someone? I don't think I hog the conversation (at least I hope I don't), but I am interested in getting to know other people and just enjoy being social.

As far as being myself, I do want to make this note. Now I will say that I am not an extroverted person. I am very introverted. Its a part of me that I like, but I feel like that as I get older, I'm being forced to be more extroverted. Are there girls out there that are into introverted guys?

I think that there are girls who like quiet shy men, but if they are too introverted it can make it very difficult to make a connection.

Could you join some clubs or something ~ to force you to mix with others without too much pressure.

How about amateur dramatics!?

Amateur dramatics? Do you mean like a drama club? I did take an acting class in high school and passed with an A, but I'm really not much of an actor.

Ugh.. the problem I run into with that is that I'm working full time now. I'm putting in 45-50 hours a week, its sometimes difficult to get out and make other commitments right now. Sorry, I don't mean to make excuses, but I have been told in the past to find more hobbies and do more social activities. And I have been following that advice and really trying to get out when I can. I know I just got to give it more time. I live in a college town thats real cliquish. There are a lot of tightly knit groups here. But I am trying.

You know what they say about all work and no play ...
Perhaps that is part of the problem!

I totally agree PDM. There are some days I just need to wind down with the few hours I have left in the day. Its very difficult. Not to mention I try to hit the gym pretty regularly.

I thought about trying to date some of the women I work with. They're really great people and I love them to death, but all my single female co-workers are single moms between the ages of 34-45. Now I'm sitting at the ripe age of 25, and I'm the kind of person to say "age is just a number" (as long as that number is 18 and greater), but getting involved with women that have children scares me a little. And I've heard office romances can be a bad thing. Although, I've never had an office romance before, it sounds like something fun to try.

Sometimes it can work ~ sometimes it can cause problems.

Some workplaces don't even allow it!

This is VERY possible!! Don't be overeager...it can be a real turnoff for girls.

Rule of thumb: People love to talk about themselves, so ask her questions about herself, and NOT yes or no questions. Listen intently, stare into her eyes, and a little bit of body contact is okay. If she tells you something serious, touch her shoulder or arm.

Learn to be a great hugger. Fully envelop her in your arms; don't do the "half-ass" one armed awkward hug. Don't squeeze her too tight and don't be afraid to touch her. Breathe deeply and if she's shorter than you, rest your head against hers for a moment. People remember great huggers, whether they admit it or not!!

Keep us updated

one has to be careful of being so court up in someone elses life you forget about your own.that could be dangerous.

PDM,

You're making it sound like at the point I'm at there's no hope. That something with me has gotta change. I mean, you're making it sound like that I'm not going to be able to find anyone with who I am now. I might just be reading this all wrong, but I've been told the same thing before numerous times. It frustrates me because I know all this and I don't know how to go about it or where to start. I've come to the realization that I can't do this alone. I need help and I don't know how to get that kind of help.

Let me clarify a few things first. I goto a church on Sundays. I try to introduce myself occasionally. I watch TV. I watch reality and most Dramas other people watch. I play Volleyball every Saturday with a group of people that like to get together. I play trombone, I was in the marching band in high school and college and I'm currently learning guitar. I take time for myself and to be social.

Here's the thing, at about everything I've done I've gotten to know the people. I can't really call them 'friends' per say, they're fun and they're great acquaintances. We smile, we laugh we have a good time when we see each other. Getting together outside the events is a different story... ESPECIALLY if they're female. I ask them out for coffee or lunch sometimes. I was able to get my volleyball group out to lunch together a couple of times, but have they shown any interest in hanging out with me or taking any initiative to get the group out to have lunch again? NO. They have not. Its just volleyball to them. I go out to the social clubs with my roommates. I see the same people that my roommates see and I know them and they know me. And yet they don't seem to make any effort on my behalf. I'm doing all I can. I'm not a workaholic. Yes, I work long hours, but I do make time to be social and do things I love with other people.

What frustrates me is that I'm doing EVERYTHING I've been told and nothing seems to be working or getting better. I'm giving it time but I'm running short of patience. I'm tired. I want someone to make an effort on my behalf for once. I mean for goodness sake, what does one person have to do to make a female friend? And when I say 'friend' I say someone who will make an effort on my behalf. One who will call me just to say hey once in a while. I can do my part. I know how to be a friend to someone and what it takes, but for someone to be a friend to me... I just don't get it. And I've come forward to a few people with this and its done nothing but scare them off and never want to speak with me.

It upsets me so much because I don't know what more I can do on my own. I need some sort of help. I need someone to show me that they are willing to help me. I can't find anyone who would be willing to work with me (guy or girl). I don't seem to have anyone that xxxxxxx gives a xxxx about me. Or gives enough to work with me. And everyone that I've told this too seems to point me to someone else or some place I can go to get help. I guess the people in my life think they're helping me by telling me who I need to see and where I need to go, but it doesn't help.

I want to add more to this to explain things better, but just typing this all out is upsetting me so much that i'm about to be in tears and just completely lose it. I'm sorry.

Yes you are reading it wrong.
'Where did I say that there was no hope?
What I tried to do was point out some things which might help you.
Why does that mean that there is no hope?
What do you mean about changing??

You said 'I don't have any women in my life that can tell me, "Ok Jon, I'm going to be brutally honest with you. I've seen you do this and that and this is wrong, but this is good".'

'... thats why I came here in hopes to get a little more female perspective on things because I don't have that. I feel like if I did, it would really help me out. But I just don't have anyone willing to give the time of day.'

I said:'I've been reading your posts and I've been thinking.'
'I don't know you, so it's not easy, but I'll try, based on what I have found out.'
'Some possibilities ~ just ignore any that can't possibly be right.'

So remember ~ ignore things that aren't right.
However, it would be worth thinking about those which might have some truth in them.

And I wish we could help ~ but it's difficult long-distance. Did you read what David decided to do? The list? You are learning guitar ~ that's good, but do you 'allow' it to enhance your social life? Go to group classes? Go to guitar gigs?

How about church youth groups, or volunteers, or something like that?

Do they come into your general conversation in a natural kind of way?
This is good in itself. This is socialising. Do you like these people? Do you have other things in common with them, apart from volleyball? Do the others socialise outside of the game?
Do you meet up with fellow musicians?
Maybe you seem self-contained ~ and a loner. Sometimes people may feel that you don't need anyone but yourself. Maybe you should try counselling, to sort your feelings out. It might help.


But you know, it's the same for a lot of people. I'm going to start sounding 'sad' now, but if I go out, it's usually with my Mum. I have 'friends' but not many that I could just call on to go out with. Since I organised a school reunion, I've been out with some old school friends a couple of times, but these are one-offs ~ and I had to arrange the reunion. It took a lot of time and work. I am always moaning that 'I have no friends'. I'm lucky in that I have relatives ~ my Mum, my kids, my husband, but it's not the same as having friends. I've always been the type of person who knows lots of people but has very few really close friends ~ and a number of those have moved away.

As for friends of the opposite sex, well, it's just not the done thing for some people, is it? I have worked with men I got on well with & called friends, but it's not always 'done' for women to have male friends ~ we even had a thread on the subject. So it's all or nothing; they want to be your girlfriend or they don't want to know. This is not to be harsh, but to clarify. Girls & boys as friends does happen, but not all that often and usually in groups.

Again ~ this is socialising. You are not alone in not being super close to everyone you socialise with.

Now, for one thing, making friends may have become so important to you that you are trying too hard.

Perhaps your room-mates could be more helpful if they were willing to tell you, absolutely truthfully, where they think that you are going wrong. They may know, but not want to tell you for some reason.

What do you want 'someone' to do? How is that 'someone' supposed to know what you want?

Maybe too intense; too worried; too anxious; too down???
By the way, how do you know that you 'how to be a friend to someone and what it takes'? I'm intrigued.

I think that you have become so 'down', you might even be a bit depressed. I would have a chat with the doctor, if I were you, and with a counsellor. You need someone to help you get yourself back 'up' out of that downer, to somewhere where you can socialise more successfully.


What do you want them to do?
What would you say to someone else, who came to you with this story?
Have you thought that, if the people who do care about you, point you in a certain direction, then they might be right?
What & who are other people saying you should do & see, anyway?

Jonathan, don't be sorry ~ you need to get all this off your chest and this is a good place for that.

Most people don't have that many very close friends, but you really want a 'partner', to share with and confide in (plus a really nice 'best friend' if possible). There is usually someone out there for everyone, but they have to be found. I really think that if you are a Christian, you would be better off finding a Christian girl friend, for various reasons.

Try not to get so down about this, You are only 25 and have a good job. The world is your oyster. I have known people who at your age could not find the right girl, only to discover her very soon afterwards.

I told you about that reunion ~ it wasn't the first I'd organised. I did one back when we were in our early thirties. You wouldn't believe the number of girls who were worried about coming because they thought that they would be the only one without a husband or partner!!! Most found their special someone soon afterwards. So remember, you are not the only one!

Read this thread ~ or at least the first post:

'I will be single forever and have to buy many cats'
http://www.wineintro.com/forum/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=227927&fpart=1

Here it is:

I've had another thought. If you are the studious type ~ and many IT specialists are ~ is it possible that you could join Mensa? You could find similarly studious friends there.

https://www.us.mensa.org/AM/Template.cfm...ht/form_mht.cfm

Wow, I'm gonna try to start from the beginning. I'm a little more calmed down so hopefully I can be rational with my answers in hopes you can understand where I'm coming from a little more.



PDM, the whole no hope thing was not said by you, but I felt it was implied when I was reading what you wrote. Some of the things you suggested have been suggested to me before and they're very very difficult for me to do. Like for instance, the shy thing. My shyness comes from having anxiety. I get little attacks every now and then. They're not extreme attacks, but I tend to get real quiet and uncomfortable when I'm in a situation. I do have techniques I do to help and sometimes they work, sometimes they don't. Now, to answer a question that goes along with this, I have seen a psychiatrist and 2 psychologists about this. The psychologists basically didn't help. The first gave me somethings to do and try and they didn't help. The second kind of did the same and I mentioned to him that the first one suggested the same things for me to try (by things I mean breathing exercises, techniques, etc. Basic tips you can find just about anywhere on the internet.) He basically ended up telling me that I was heretically socially inept, which means that my social issues are genetically passed down from my family... that it was some sort of family curse. That REALLY xxxxxx me off.

I then went to see a personal friend of my dads which is the psychiatrist. He recommended medication for the anxiety and depression. The meds helped with my anxiety and somewhat the depression. To be exact, it got rid of the down feeling I was feeling, but it didn't make me feel happier. After being on the meds for 7 months, it made me numb. I didn't like that and told my psychiatrist I didn't like that feeling. He suggested I stop taking them. After I got off of them I did feel better and the anxiety was better. Like I said, occasionally it comes back, but its not as bad. Whereas before, I felt the anxiety coming on through every social situation I was in, now it only comes about depending on how stressed I am.

Ok, to answer your other questions:

My guitar playing does not come in social play, I do not goto classes. I'm trying to learn it on my own. It was something my last roommate was helping me with. (Which I did goto to a concert this weekend to see his band play and it was fun. I got to meet other people and other bands.)

Right now, I'm not involved with little groups at the church. I'm planning on to sometime, but for right now, I want to goto church for the right reasons, not for social acceptance but for God.

The TV shows I watch do come in general conversation. For instance, I love Scrubs and I have the complete 6 seasons. One lady I work with, I've let borrow. I'm trying to make a friend with her, but I think its harder for her because she's a single mom with 2 girls and shes dating a guy in the company that I could say I've become friends with. The only person in the company I've become friends with. I'm glad a made a friend in the company, but again, i'm still trying for female friends.

The volleyball crew is great, I like these people. But we rarely do things outside volleyball. I mentioned in an earlier post that I've tried to get us to go have lunch and we have a couple of times and I've tried to do stuff with some of them in smaller groups and have been unsuccessful. Here's another little tidbit you might find interesting. I've been going to play volleyball with these guys for last 3 years. Whenever someone doesn't show, for a couple of weeks, they ask about them and I know a few who said they've tried to email them to see where they're at. Now, I've missed the last 4 weekends and haven't gotten a single email/call from them to see if everything is ok, and they have my number and email address. So what do you this is up with that? I mean, these guys obviously don't have anything against me because they have asked me to play in the intramural league the last 3 years.

The marching band here in college was a horrible experience. I tried getting involved with people and going out with them and I did a few times, but I always had to get myself invited. They would never just invite me. I always had to ask, "mind if I come along". I got tired of it and quit trying with those people.

I understand that I'm not going to be super close with everyone and be friends with everyone. I'm not trying to be. Throughout my college years, I've been trying to make friends by getting involved in different social situations... again primarily female. Again, I've been very unsuccessful.

My roommates haven't been that helpful at all. I have asked them exactly what you've told me. They've pretty much told me everything you've told me. I mean, thats why this thread started out with the specific asking about how go be funnier to women. I'm looking for new ideas about how to approach social situations.. especially with women because the same stuff I've heard I've tried and I'm still trying. What frustrates me even more is that I see my roommates going out with these people (guys and girls) and hit it off well with them. I do tag along and I do have a good a time and "SEEM" to hit it off well with some of them, but I don't get treated the same. Whenever my roommates get asked out by their group of friends, they don't ask me out or ask my roommates if I'd like to go. I don't feel accepted by these people. So, in other words, my roommates haven't been much help getting me involved with the people they know. I've been unsuccessful when I've just tried getting involved on my own.

The "effort on my behalf", to put it simply, is to get the same kind of attention my roommates get from their friends (the stuff they sometimes complain about and xxxxxx me off because I don't have). They get phone calls, invited to movies, out to a bar for drinks, etc.

The thing is Jonathan, without knowing you, I don't really know what to say ~ especially as I seem to be saying some of the things that people who do know you are saying.

I think you really need to take on board that you are not the only person in your position ~ you've seen some on the forum.

As for psychologists & psychiatrists, sometimes they are great and sometimes they are worse than useless ~ and I know this from personal experience and the experiences of friends.

Regarding church, if you are a genuine Christian, then I don't see what is wrong with specifically socialising with other Christians. I know that it is different in the USA, but over here, I think that a lot of girls probably wouldn't date Christians because of the effects on their own lives. I have Christian friends ~ the male friends that I know best are Christians ~ but I really do not think that I could have dated or married someone with strong beliefs, because I am agnostic and I think that I would have found such a relationship difficult. It may be the same for others.

From what you say, it sounds as if you have quite a few people with whom you are friendly, but no real close friend of either gender and I appreciate how difficult this must be for you, but honestly, people will see that you are worrying about it and trying too hard and that can be off-putting. I'm not criticising ~ just giving an outside view based on my personal opinion.

I know about panic attacks ~ I have had them myself. They can be very frightening. I wouldn't take medication either. The few tablets I tried made me worse. But I know that they can be helpful for a lot of people.

All I can suggest is to make sure that you are looking for friends in the right places. If you are quiet and shy, intellectual and religious, then you need to tailor your lifestyle accordingly, to find like-minded people.
Many young people are into the proverbial 'sex & drugs & rock & roll' life-style. If it's not for you, then don't seek friends where that sort of thing is the norm.

Have you asked your relatives for their opinions?

As I said, a club like Mensa might help. Or how about penfriends? Letter-writing might be a nice, stress-free, way to make friends ~ provided you find them in a suitable 'above-board' place.

If you liked going to see the band, go more often and meet up with the same people. This is how my son made lots of his friends.

What would you suggest to someone who came to you with these questions?

Did you have any close friends ~ or groups of friends ~ in the past, with whom you have lost contact?

Do you haver brothers & sisters ~ or cousins ~ with whom you could socialise?

I'm sure that you will be fine. I know that the waiting and worrying is just making matters worse, but take heart, the love of your life may be just around the corner.