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#251043 - 02/01/08 09:13 PM Lessons Learned From Marriage
happyfridays_1 Offline
New Member

Registered: 01/25/08
Posts: 4
I'm a newly wed and have learned so much about life from my marriage. I'm interested to hear, whether you're married or were married, what lessons have you learned?

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#251051 - 02/01/08 09:35 PM Re: Lessons Learned From Marriage [Re: happyfridays_1]
pretty bird Offline
Tin Star Soulmate

Registered: 02/27/06
Posts: 3645
Loc: Fond du Lac, Wisconsin
Married 40 years.
Both my husband and I graduated together but did not start dating until after we graduated (right after) We got married 1 1/2 years after we graduated he was in the air force when we got married so there were times that we were not together once was for a whole year.
Anyway I guess I would have to say my husband is my best friend.
Don't get me wrong we have had a few problems but we have always gotten thru them.
I can remember when we first got married I was very possive and wanted him to myself all the time that sometimes caused a few arguments. Over the years that changed.
I also almost lost him about 10 years ago he almost died that was very scary we went thru some very bad times as he was very ill and also became clinicly depressed and I had to put on a brave front but was crying a lot on the inside.
Anyway I guess the best thing to do is not only love your spouse but also like them that is the most important thing I can tell you. And also make sure you both have your own time and try not to be to jealous over that.
Find something that you both like to do together also.
We found dancing and absoulutely loved it. I never thought my husband would do it as he never danced but once we started going I couldn't stop him we had a ball and met so many wonderful friends.
Learn also how to fight fair agree to disagree at times.
Don't hide things from each other like finances that can hurt big time.
Make sure you both agree on big purchases and don't get in over your head because that can also cause lots of marriage problems.
We have a rule we have cc but never use it unless we know we can pay in full when it comes. Use them as a convience only if you can.
Hope this helps and congratulations and welcome to the site.
Also laugh with each other. I can remember when we were taking dancing lessons who some couples would bicker at each other when one did something wrong. Hay life does not need to be that serious when you make mistakes laugh about them instead of yelling at each other its a lot easier to live together if you laugh than yell.
_________________________

My name is Connie

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#251054 - 02/01/08 09:46 PM Re: Lessons Learned From Marriage [Re: pretty bird]
val313 Offline
Soulmate

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 2466
Loc: Missouri
That it is harder than I thought but worth every effort.

That getting through the rough spots and bad times make the good ones even sweeter.

Sticking to a budget is a great idea and prevents some fights.

Never laugh and point while nude. ~advice from a good friend!

Have hobbies and friends outside of marriage. Don't retreat from life just because your married. Develop new friends, maintain the old ones. Most importantly cut loose the ones that are not really there or are not supportive.

Congrads and good luck!
_________________________

RIP Peeps

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#251296 - 02/02/08 10:17 AM Re: Lessons Learned From Marriage [Re: val313]
The_Zookeeper Offline
Silver Star Soulmate

Registered: 06/14/07
Posts: 5997
Loc: Rochester, Michigan
Originally Posted By: val313


Never laugh and point while nude. ~advice from a good friend!





hehehehe

but is it no pointing and laughing while nude or at the nude? hehe.


Edited by The_Zookeeper (02/02/08 10:18 AM)
_________________________

www.skgeckos.com

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#251365 - 02/02/08 02:00 PM Re: Lessons Learned From Marriage [Re: The_Zookeeper]
val313 Offline
Soulmate

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 2466
Loc: Missouri
both! it works both ways.
_________________________

RIP Peeps

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#251597 - 02/02/08 08:12 PM Re: Lessons Learned From Marriage [Re: happyfridays_1]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
Originally Posted By: happyfridays_1
I'm a newly wed and have learned so much about life from my marriage. I'm interested to hear, whether you're married or were married, what lessons have you learned?
Welcome to the forum & congratulations on your marriage.

I've been married for nearly 28 years & recommend it! smile
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#254038 - 02/08/08 04:12 PM Re: Lessons Learned From Marriage [Re: happyfridays_1]
Faith says hi Offline
Best Friend

Registered: 06/14/07
Posts: 1554
Never forget or lose sight of the good qualities that led you to marry your spouse in the first place. Keep noticing all the good things.

And don't forget to tell your spouse you've noticed the good things they do or the traits they have that you particularly like. (It can be all too easy to complain about the things that annoy you - so it's crucial to balance that out by praising/thanking for the things that make you happy.)

Fight fair.
Take turns.
Be considerate and mutually respectful.
Be honest, in the kindest possible fashion.
You have great power over each other's decisions and actions - and you must take great care in how you use that power. Don't use it any more than necessary.

You can make each other very happy, or very unhappy. So you just have to keep making the choice to be a good friend and supportive partner to your spouse.

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#254226 - 02/09/08 12:16 AM Re: Lessons Learned From Marriage [Re: Faith says hi]
Pudgie's mom
Unregistered


I've found that's it's great to just laugh like silly idiots once in awhile -- not at each other but about something totally stupid.

I also recommend taking a break if an argument is getting really too heated -- "Okay, I really need to chill out for a minute - maybe we can take this up later - sorry but I'm just too steamed up right now."

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#283778 - 04/24/08 10:47 AM Re: Lessons Learned From Marriage [Re: ]
Cheers2wine Offline
Member

Registered: 05/08/06
Posts: 33
Loc: Northern California
Something that I wish I had learned earlier is....don't sweat the small things. Accept that your spouse is not going to be perfect and neither are you. Focus on the important things!
_________________________
Cheers!

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#283781 - 04/24/08 11:52 AM Re: Lessons Learned From Marriage [Re: Cheers2wine]
masseur ichi Offline
Long Time Friend

Registered: 08/01/06
Posts: 660
Loc: USA
This may sound nuts to most of you but... the more you have to work on your relationship, the more it's not working. If it works, there's not much maintenance needed other than thoughtfulness, consideration, and fulfilling your obligations.

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#283785 - 04/24/08 12:43 PM Re: Lessons Learned From Marriage [Re: masseur ichi]
suzzie Offline
Long Time Friend

Registered: 03/30/08
Posts: 612
Loc: oklahoma
ive been married for almost 2 yrs now..its my 2nd marrige....the first one didnt work out becasue we didnt have the same idea of what family should be..we was to young,,too young..we thought of are selves more then the other...with my 2nd marrige,,its soo great..we like alot of the same things and we just laugh at each other all the time..yes i said "at each other" if you cant laugh at the stupid stuff you do and what your hubby does. its not much fun..we think of each other. like how the other would feel ....also what was made are's work so well is we have Rules for each other... some of are rules are about friends, like he can not have a friend thats a girl and i cant have a friend that a boy, unlease its a family member or somehting in that line..see bouth are ex's cheated on us , so that was a rule we was both happy to make.. there are other rules, but we both agreed happily about each rule we make....also when im about to do something i ask my self "how would i feel or act if my hubby did this" asking your self this helps out on not having fights.....You well fight..alot!!! over small things and big. thats normal..its being about to look bcak at the fight and laugh. and never walk out on each other, stay ,nomatter how hard it is ,stay and fight it out.... and last but not least...make sure the good, all ways out waighs the bad!!!!! hope this helps hehe

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#307175 - 07/03/08 02:13 PM Re: Lessons Learned From Marriage [Re: suzzie]
sala Offline
Friend

Registered: 07/18/07
Posts: 254
Okay, I came back to look at the keet medical stuff and a link to this caught my eye. A friend of mine recently got married and my husband and I put together a list for her:

It's less painful to accept house rules than not.

Nagging can be avoided by remembering your partner's pet peeves.

It doesn't matter if he leaves the seat up.

If you want something done, start it yourself and hope your partner will fix the mistakes.

Arguments aren't for winning.

An agreement to disagree is still an agreement.

Having an excuse is like flying a kite--your partner just watches it blow in the wind.

The well-being of your partner comes before fun.

Just because he's yours doesn't mean you own him.

Similarly, just because she's yours doesn't mean you own her.

Saying "Sorry...." and meaning it isn't as hard as it sounds (even if you think it's not your fault.)

You really can't change a man... but if he knows what's best, he'll change himself.

The woman is NOT always right--just 95% of the time.

Love it.

_________________________
The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
Moves on...
-Omar Khayyam

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#307233 - 07/03/08 04:53 PM Re: Lessons Learned From Marriage [Re: sala]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
And never go to sleep without making up, if you have had an argument!
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#310067 - 07/14/08 02:30 PM Re: Lessons Learned From Marriage [Re: PDM]
Kariva Offline
Tin Star Soulmate

Registered: 07/14/06
Posts: 3870
Loc: Sycamore,IL
lol love them

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#311151 - 07/18/08 08:58 PM Re: Lessons Learned From Marriage [Re: Kariva]
Darkness Offline
Soulmate

Registered: 05/26/08
Posts: 2237
I have no good advice that hasn't already been given. I'm actually horrible to be with lol.

But congratulations on your new marriage!
_________________________

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#311152 - 07/18/08 09:07 PM Re: Lessons Learned From Marriage [Re: happyfridays_1]
masseur ichi Offline
Long Time Friend

Registered: 08/01/06
Posts: 660
Loc: USA
The more you have to work at it, the more it isn't working. I know that sounds idiotic and circular but I can't think of another way to put it. Communication and clarity are, nevertheless, key.

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#313426 - 07/26/08 04:43 AM Re: Lessons Learned From Marriage [Re: masseur ichi]
Lady78 Offline
Good Friend

Registered: 07/24/08
Posts: 306
Loc: TX
Do not hang on to pride if you love oneanother.

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#316622 - 08/03/08 05:39 PM Re: Lessons Learned From Marriage [Re: masseur ichi]
Pudgie's mom
Unregistered


Originally Posted By: masseur ichi
The more you have to work at it, the more it isn't working. I know that sounds idiotic and circular but I can't think of another way to put it. Communication and clarity are, nevertheless, key.
I agree, sadly. I think that there can definitely be a point of no return -- endlessly analyzing and arguing can become exhausting and can seem utterly pointless.

So when do you give up?

And are you working at it because one person is selfish and insensitive, or because you're both just having a communication breakdown? In the latter case, maybe a little more work might lead to a breakthrough that could save the marriage (or not...)...


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#316625 - 08/03/08 05:51 PM Re: Lessons Learned From Marriage [Re: ]
Pudgie's mom
Unregistered


One lesson I've learned from marriage is to try your best to have a very open and honest discussion before getting married about setting boundaries with relatives.

Everyone's heard the stories about the "mama's boy" husband who can't really function without his mother playing a key role in the marriage, but less extreme situations can be a major problem, too:

(1) Your brother-in-law has a key to your house for emergencies but you come back from vacation and there he is on your couch, simply because he "needed to get away from the wife."
(2) His niece gets $100 gift for high school graduation but my nephew only "deserves" $25.
(3) Aunt Bertha drops by unexpectedly every Sunday -- it thus becomes "expected" but you're still inconvenienced.
(4) Various brothers keep "crashing" at your house every time they're in town; the stays are never to visit you but rather to buy a vehicle, see a concert, party with old buddies, etc.
(5) Uncle Joe has yet another "crisis" for which your spouse has to drop everything (including your dinner plans) and go see him; this has happened six times this summer......

I understand that we all want to "be there" for our relatives, but I think that the marriage should come first and foremost.

Okay - done ranting! smile

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#317002 - 08/05/08 08:50 AM Re: Lessons Learned From Marriage [Re: ]
masseur ichi Offline
Long Time Friend

Registered: 08/01/06
Posts: 660
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Pudgie's mom
[L]ess extreme situations can be a major problem, too:

(1) Your brother-in-law has a key to your house for emergencies but you come back from vacation and there he is on your couch, simply because he "needed to get away from the wife."
(2) His niece gets $100 gift for high school graduation but my nephew only "deserves" $25.
(3) Aunt Bertha drops by unexpectedly every Sunday -- it thus becomes "expected" but you're still inconvenienced.
(4) Various brothers keep "crashing" at your house every time they're in town; the stays are never to visit you but rather to buy a vehicle, see a concert, party with old buddies, etc.
(5) Uncle Joe has yet another "crisis" for which your spouse has to drop everything (including your dinner plans) and go see him; this has happened six times this summer......


This stuff gets under one's skin after awhile. Filial loyalty means different things to different families, too. This can create issues as couples try to "equalize" the differences. You won't understand it until you're married.

Originally Posted By: PDM
And never go to sleep without making up, if you have had an argument!


Agreed, never go to sleep angry!


Edited by masseur ichi (08/05/08 09:34 AM)

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#317656 - 08/07/08 01:40 PM Re: Lessons Learned From Marriage [Re: masseur ichi]
Pudgie's mom
Unregistered


Originally Posted By: masseur ichi

Agreed, never go to sleep angry!
Well, sure, but I get kind of spacey after three days without sleep! lol smile

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#317662 - 08/07/08 02:05 PM Re: Lessons Learned From Marriage [Re: ]
Jasper's mom Offline
Best Friend

Registered: 07/29/08
Posts: 1468
Loc: Michigan
Sometimes it helps to get the sleep and deal with it tomorrow. You'd be surprised how many times you are not angry anymore and it is much easier to find a solution or compromise, and even to say sorry.

I've been married 31 years. All I know is that we are best friends, and have lots of fun and laugh alot together. He has been such a part of my life, I wouldn't want to give that up just because he still can't get dirty clothes into the basket instead of in front of it!

_________________________

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#317665 - 08/07/08 02:22 PM Re: Lessons Learned From Marriage [Re: Jasper's mom]
Pudgie's mom
Unregistered


Good points... smile

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#317675 - 08/07/08 03:14 PM Re: Lessons Learned From Marriage [Re: ]
Carl Offline
Silver Star Soulmate

Registered: 05/27/06
Posts: 5173
Loc: Gator Country, Florida - USA
Jasper's Mom, I liked what you had to say! I had 22 years in my first marriage. Only a year in the 2nd, but she and I are still friends. And my (hopefully) last marriage has been legal for 13 years and we lived together for a year while I was persuading her to make an honest man of me.

I was half-jokingly "confessing" to Marge that it was my fault this morning about something trivial (can't remember what now). We laughed when I recalled out loud various "lists" of men's usual "confessions:"

I don't know what you mean!

I didn't do it!

[Insert name, like you, he, the devil] made me do it!

Would you like some chocolate?

I was wrrrrrrrrrrrnn... is something burning?

Sometimes I'll have a grievance, and want to talk about it, but the phone rings and Marge is talking to someone, and as time goes on, I think to myself: "Is this really worth the knock-down drag-out I'm making it be in my mind? Why not save the energy for something that really boils my blood?"

What has marriage to Marge taught me about life? That life gets better every day!
_________________________
Marge is the love of my life.

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