RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Dating Cried to myself about it...

Ok, I know I just recently posted a happy topic but I really need help with this...

Yesterday I made a radom new friend. Only thing is...he's a guy. Met him at this shop where he works. He said hi, I said hi and a whole general conversation started. I can talk to anyone basically.

So yeah. I left the mall and started SMSing my boyfriend, like every night. When I told him I made a new friend, he kind of freaked. He didn't know what to feel. I knew he was angry with me.

What am I going to do? Is making a new friend such a big sin nowadays? Help me, please...

See also:

First Timer Emo Girl
http://www.wineintro.com/forum/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=264447&fpart=1

Your boyfriend should not be angry with you, just because you talked to another boy.

However, a lot of boyfriends would feel concerned or threatened, perhaps.
He may feel jealous ~ worried that you will leave him for the other boy.

Anyway, it's understandable that he feels a little jealous ~ but of course you have the right to make new friends.

Explain to him that this is just someone whom you met and got on with, and not in any way a threat to your relationship.
(It isn't, is it?)

I understand how he feels, I really do. When we had our Sports Day earlier in the term (before he became my boyfriend, another friend of mine named Andrew used to hold me and such, but in a friendly manner. When he SMSed me, he said he was jealous of him. He has a history of a bit of jealousy.

I value my other guy friends, either as just friends or as brothers. Like my one friend named Matt. He stood by me when no one else did. This new friend of mine is cool and everything, but no one could take the place of my boyfriend, NO ONE. Maybe my boyfriend is also worried because he's 17 and I'm 15.

Is it against the law if I ought to hang out with my guy friends if my boyfriend isn't with me?

Hi Blood of Raven

I asked my daughter ~ almost 14 ~ to look at this as well.
Her concern was that your boyfriend is so much older than you. I'm not sure of the law there but, over here, 15 is still a minor and 19 is an adult.

I agree that this might be a worry to me, if I were your parent. I do think that you should tell your father about him. I know that you are concerned about stressing him, but I really do think that he would prefer to know.

Certainly you can make friends with anyone you wish and I know of no law on friendship. I don't know South Africa, but I cannot believe that girls, there, can only meet others if their boyfriends come along ~ though some boys might be wary and concerned about the safety of their girls ~ remember, there are boys who will take advantage of vulnerable young girls.

Please take care of yourself.

I've heard too many stories as to go and do anything that might not be good for me. Living in Cape Town, South Africa, is pretty dangerous. My city is notorious for rape and drugs, so I watch myself. One of my friends at school got raped so I'm extra careful.

Hey raven. This situation your in is something i struggle with every day, when my girlfriend, is talking to her guy friends. I don't want to lose so try to stay close, but i want the best for her, even allowing her to talk to her other guy friends. If your boy friend is getting mad over some guy you just talked to, something tells me, he's getting a little over protected. Now in your town, it's problably good that he is, but then again, he shouldn't get mad, maybe concerened for your saftey, as in South Africa, also in America, we got young girls get raped as well, and there's alot of guys at my school that would love to get a girl for the wrong reasons. Like butter them up with sweet comments, then when they are absoultly alone, BAM!!, the same girl is beaten down, and what ever sorts of crud, some perverted guy would do.

Anyway, you might wanna talk to your boyfriend let him know that this relationship can work, if he dosen't get mad over some alittle chat. PLz do be careful. where you are is dangurous, I'll be prayng for you. And talk to your dad. Yes, he's stressed, but deep down, he still loves you, and we will listen.

Like, he's really overprotective. My boyfriend doesn't understand that I'm not a baby! I can look out for myself, I know what's right and wrong and I'm not stupid enough to fall into a random guy's trap...not again.

Before, I used to give in to a boy, especially last year. See, I have this thing. Dunno what it's called but sometimes I fall into a state of being in a trance. It's happened more than once. I can't control it. It just happens randomly. Last year I was inlove with one of my best friends. We kissed and whatnot but I gave in too easly to him. It's like I couldn't say no.

I just don't want it to happen again. My bf has only been my bf for just under twenty days and he holds me quite intimately. I hang out after school and usually get changed into casual wear. When I'm with my bf, he sometimes puts his hands in the back pockets of my jeans, goes up the back or front of of my top and even bites me on my neck. I don't have a problem with it before he does it, just that when he does, I sometimes feel uncomfortable. You know, since I live in a dangerous city, the stories and pictures of girls being raped and stuff flash through my mind.

Sorry if I started rambling, but it just came out.

ok--someone's going to have to explain this to me: what is smsing???

anyways, you should be able to have guy friends. period. does he have girl friends? see, there's a difference between being protective and possessive.

protective might mean that he won't let you go out alone ever if you live in a dangerous area. your boyfriend is being possessive, and that's not cool.

if i were you, i would sit him down and have a nice little chat: tell him that you're his girlfriend, not his property, and that you should be able to have guy friends without him freaking out.

if he listens, that's great. but if he can't understand that, then run in the other direction--over-possessiveness is one of the most common forms of emotional abuse.

a good relationship shouldn't make you feel bad--you should be free to be who you are and be accepted anyway. lay it on the line for him--if he can't accept it, then maybe it's time to move on.

good luck!

oh--and if he does something that makes you feel uncomfortable, then you have the right to tell him to stop. if he doesn't listen, there's another red flag for you. you body belongs to you, and no one else.

welcome to the forum.you have been givn so good advice.

Hi Blood of Raven
Something here is making me feel a little uncomfortable ~ and I'm not yet quite sure what it is.

I think that it may be because ~ you are only 15, live in a dangerous town, have a tendency to go into 'a trance', and a history of depression, self-harming and giving in too easly, with a much older boyfriend whom you are keeping secret from your father, who may be over-possessive and who tries to do things with you that you are not always comfortable with.

You say that your father is not against you having a boyfriend ~ don't you think you should tell him?

I understand what you, as a parent, are pointing out. I'm just scared of my dad, that's the problem. To explain on the things you pointed out:

- I don't visit places that I'm not familiar. If I go into town, I'm usually with my family. If I'm with a friend, his/her parents are with us. There is one safe mall that i go to. Security is tight and it doesn't have a bad history.

- I started sticking up for myself. I'm tired of just doing what everyone wants me to

- I'm going to speak to my boyfriend tomorrow. We had the 'if you're not comfortable, say it' a couple of times and I speak to him often about it.

Hey Blood of Raven, and welcome.

I agree with Zookeeper with the professional help thing. But it is always your choice.

I read what you said about not being able to believe that you got a boyfriend, and then you listed all of the things that are wrong with you. I don't like to here that. Everybody is unique, special, and beautiful in their own way, and you should NEVER feel bad about yourself like that.

You seem really responsible and aware of your safety, which is good. Few people are these days.

Now for you boyfriend. I have a couple of personal stories to tell. I have a crush on two 18 year old guys, and I am only 15, like you. They never really seem to be that much older, do they? The thing is, guys naturally mature later than girls do, in every way except sexually. This can lead to quite a few problems, most importantly moral and legal problems. Sometimes it really sucks. I don't think I would ever put myself in a dangerous position with either of these two guys, because they are much more sexually mature than me, I know that, and want to avoid any possible issues with them. The way I see it, you have put yourself in a possibly problematic situation. If I were you I would get out of it before it causes problems.

When I was 11, my family and I went on vacation to Cozumel. We met two guys there, lets call them Bob and Andy. Andy was my sisters age, 14, and Bob was a little older, probably like 17. They both seemed really nice and so when our families became friends the four of us started to hang out more. Andy and my sister became really close, they both liked eachother. After a couple of days, Bob started "helping" me with things, like climbing up ladders or swimming to a certain place. While "helping" me, he would do stuff to my body, like grab my breasts or finger me, stuff like that. I never told him to stop, and until now I haven't told anybody else about it. My point in saying this now, is in response to your "trances". I think we all go through a time when we do not have control over what we do. I didn't say no to Bob, just like you never told the previous guys no. DON'T let that happen. I still regret not saying anything, and probably will forever. You will regret it too. I promise you that. Another reason for you to tell your dad about the relationship that you have, is that it will be a LOT easier to tell him if anything happens like the situation between me and Bob. And you should ALWAYS tell someone. ALWAYS.

I really hope that everything works out for you. Please don't do anything now that you would regret later, like not speaking up to anybody.

kelsey--first let me just say that is SO horrible--i'm so sorry you had to go through that. what a horrible thing to have to deal with, and fr you, it's still pretty recent--only a few years ago. its never too late to say something--tell your mom, or your dad, or a therapist. they may not be able to stop it from happening, as it was in the past, but its somebody to talk to.

now, blood of raven--kelsey is right--you should love yourself for who you are, and be proud of yourself for what you have accomplished.

first you say you're 'emo'--well, you're only really emo if you accept that as a lifestyle/way of dressing, or if you accept the label the society put on you. so if you don't like it, change it! someone is not born emo--it's not an affliction lol it's a choice, and certainly nothing to be ashamed of

then, you say you're psychotic and cold--i doubt both, actually. i bet that these are both just inaccurate ways of perceiving yourself that have nothing to do with reality. learn to love yourself--its corny, but it makes all the difference!

next, you say you have breakdowns. if its really that serious, i going to have to agree with zubu that you should look into professional help. it doesn't mean there's something wrong with you--rather, it shows good judgment. this is something that you can learn to control. what makes you so upset? when do these breakdowns occur?

now the problem with your legs--feel blessed that you have legs at all. that is nothing to feel bad about yourself about. you walk around with pride!

and the you say you cut yourself--don't do that! i saw that you said you stopped, which is good, but have you ever sought help? because the bigger issue is what made you cut in the first place. like zubu said, self harm is a very serious issue--especially since you're still so young.

and also, i don't want you to quite disregard what PDM is saying because she's a parent--i don't think you're doin it on purpose, but it seems like you are regardless. now, i am only a few years older than yiu, and i'm certainly nobody's parent, but i'm ging to have to agree with PDM.

it's good that you're careful, but i just have to bring this up: if your boyfriend has emotional issues, then it can turn ou tto be dangerous to you that he's so possessive. sometimes, people who have had problems with depression have serious abandonment issues, so that he might not be willing to let you go, even if he has to hurt you. like i said before, you should be able to have guy friends without him freaking out.

also, it concerns be that your dad doesn't know about him. both of you ar still minors--at least here in the states, i don't know what it is in SA--but he IS sexually more mature than you...that's just a fact.

and it makes me uncomfortable that your dad doesn't know about him especially because you say that he wouldn't be aganst you having a boyfriend. tat should be a red flag for you--if you feel you have to keep him a secret that means there's something wrong.

this sounds like it is bordering on an unhealthy relationship, and i want you to be VERY careful...keep us posted

I just want to thank everyone that has helped me, expecially m'am PDM. You guys have helped me out a lot. Here's what I'm gonna do:

-Talk to my boyfriend about what's on my mind tomorrow and set a few rules
-Make an appointment with my social worker. I'm so glad I have her right in my school
-Try and feel better about myself

Raven, Im proud of you. matter of fact, for all who posted in here, are proud of you. Let us know how it went. if you need more help, you know where to find us.

Blood of Raven ~ I'm pleased that, even if you feel that you can't talk to your father, at least you are going to have a chat with your social worker.

Take care.

Kelsey, I'm glad that you have felt able to tell us about those things that happened to you, but which shouldn't have happened to you. It must have been difficult keeping this to yourself for so long ~ a problem shared is a problem halved, as they say.

Perhaps you could now tell your Mum ~ you might feel better about it, if you did. You were ~ and still are ~ very young. It's a lot to keep to yourself.

Take care!

I've got some news for everyone. I talked to my social worker today and she helped me out. She mainly told me to take it slow with my boyfriend. I spoke to my boyfriend afterschool and he understands better now. I told him exactly how I feel, mainly the feeling of not being comfortable. He even apologised because he felt so bad about rushing into things. I feel better now that I've discussed it ^^

I think i speak for everyone when I Say. Good job. But hey, if they wanna say good job, and some other nice things don't let me stop them.

Good Job Raven. I knew you could pull through.

Great! That's good!

It's a common thing to feel jealous a little when your girlfriend makes a new friend thats a guy. He should not ever be getting upset with you because of it. If he does just talk with him about. A little bit of jealousy I believe is a good sign because I believe that it means that he still cares for you.

I read this whole thread, and you sound a lot like me when I was 15. Though, that was such a short time ago. (only three years)

I was in a controlling relationship and I hated it. Lucky for me we moved away so I couldn't date him anymore. It was bad at the end though. He started hitting me. He was 18 I was 15. It was horrible.

I understand what it's like to live in a scary town. I live near Dallas, Tx.... it's pretty scary here.