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#283575 - 04/23/08 05:00 PM I don't know what to do...
TheTangeMan Offline
Member

Registered: 04/23/08
Posts: 33
I don't know if this is in the right area or not, but I need advice.

Ok, so here's the deal. My girlfriend and I broke up about a month ago. We had been dating for almost 1 year and 3 months, and we had been engaged since Christmas. We got into an argument and then she ended up saying that she couldn't do it anymore and hung up. A couple hours later, she called back and said she didn't know what she wanted, and I said "As much as I don't want to, I think we should take a break..." because she was angry with me over some stupid reason and some stuff said just really upset me.

In order to clarify our relationship, she said she didn't want to have sex because she wanted to be right with God, and she said she didn't want to sneak around with me behind her moms back because she was rebuilding her trust with her mother from her last boyfriend that her mother found out about and found out that she had sex with him. So we didn't have sex or sneak around or anything, I respected her wishes.

Well, I want her back, but I found out 2 weeks ago, that she hooked up with her Ex boyfriend one night and I think they had sex, and now she's been talking to this other guy and I found out that she had given him a hickey and that she was saying some really sexual stuff to him that I never would have expected to hear from her. She's letting this guy sneak over to her house and stuff. So I'm really upset about that and disgusted. I feel like I don't even know her anymore, since she had felt so strong against not having sex and not sneaking around, but then she's doing all that stuff and saying stuff that isn't like her 2 weeks after we broke up.

She says that she still wants a future with me and that she still loves me and won't talk to me about that stuff I talked about above. She says that she wants to have the summer to herself and not be in a relationship, but I feel she's probably still hooking up with that one guy.

I'm so confused, I don't know if she cares about me anymore since she's doing this stuff so soon after we broke up from our serious relationship, or if she wants to be free with guys and have me as a safety net if she needs help or what. She was my first love so she knows that I'll be there if she needs me but I don't know what to do. She just recently turned 18 so now it seems like she doesn't really care about a lot of stuff she's doing now, she doesn't care if she ruins her relationship with her mother now and all this stuff, so I don't know if she just didn't want to have sex and sneak around with me or if she just doesn't care about those things she told me about anymore.

Does anybody have some reasonable response to this or any advice for me. What should I do?

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#283674 - 04/23/08 08:10 PM Re: I don't know what to do... [Re: TheTangeMan]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
Hello TheTangeMan
I'm sorry to hear this.
I don't understand why she is behaving as she is. It doesn't seem to make sense, but I don't think that you should be considering rushing back into a relationship with her.
She admits that she doesn't know what she wants, but what she seems to want is sex with someone else, while refusing to do the same with you ~ her fiance.

I'll try to think more about this and will try to post again, but this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.

Sorry to say this, but could you really trust her if you were to resume your engagement and get married?

I think that 17 is too young to get engaged. Teenagers are changing individuals. Who knows what either of you will be like when you have fully matured?

How old are you, by the way?

Good luck welcome to the forum. smile


Edited by PDM (04/23/08 08:11 PM)
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#283742 - 04/23/08 11:57 PM Re: I don't know what to do... [Re: PDM]
TheTangeMan Offline
Member

Registered: 04/23/08
Posts: 33
I am just about 19 years old, but we knew each other for half a year before we started dating and I literally saved her life by doing something that I don't think I would have done for anybody else. We understood that we were too young to actually get married, but we were going to wait until we both got out of school before we actually talked about it very much.

A lot of people had said we were not really in a healthy relationship because of how she got mad at me for really little things, and I knew that I was whipped by her. But we talked about it, and had decided what we needed to change before we got back together. I have been in college this year, she is graduating from HS, so I think that part of our problems came from the fact that I was gone all week and we only got to hang out on the weekend, while we both worked, so I understand why we were on loose ends.

She says that she wants to take the summer off from us, because she wants to be "free" but, I don't really get why she doesn't feel like getting back together until I have to leave for school again.

As to your question about trust, I don't know, from what I know, she has told me almost everything, even though some stuff I found out for myself. But we already know that both of us have to renew our trust to each other because the way that I found out about these things she's been doing since we broke up was by reading her txt messages. So we have some stuff to work on, but I still don't really know what to think.

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#283841 - 04/24/08 04:58 PM Re: I don't know what to do... [Re: TheTangeMan]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
Are you sure about what has been going on with her ex?
It may just be some loose ends that needed sorting for closure?

If it really was a sexual thing, then I think that you need to be very wary indeed.

You are both very young to be planning anything serious and long term. She obviously isn't comfortable with this. 'She wants to be free'. If she is seeing other boys, then you shouldn't be comfortable, either ~ but that is just my opinion.

I think that you need to sit down and discuss this as fully & objectively as possible.

She wants to be free ~ at the very time when you could be together.

You think that she is seeing her ex ~ possibly for a sexual relationship.

She didn't want sex with you ~ and I would respect this ~ because she 'wanted to be right with God' and her mother, but she has had sex with ~ and may still be having sex with ~ someone else.

Find out the facts and sort out what is really happening here.
Then consider what you really want ~ at such a young age do you want to tie yourself to someone you cannot trust, or who only wants you, after she has had her fun with other boys???
Sorry to be so blunt!
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#283866 - 04/24/08 06:16 PM Re: I don't know what to do... [Re: PDM]
TheTangeMan Offline
Member

Registered: 04/23/08
Posts: 33
Thanks, I need somebody to be blunt and tell me what to do, as I said, she is my first love, so I find it hard to get over her if I need to, right now, she doesn't want to talk about it right now, every time I bring up our relationship to her she says that she doesn't want to talk about it now. So I can't sort out all the stuff going on until she will finally talk about it with me. She I talked to her about why she doesn't want to be with me when we could, and she just simply said, "I don't know if I want a boyfriend right now, so just give me some time".

When I first asked her about what she had done with these guys, she said it was none of my business because we were not together at that point, so I have no business knowing who she is talking to or hanging out with. Do you agree with her stance on this, about not telling me because it's not my business to know.

I mean, I kind of understand, if we are not together then I have no right no know what she's doing and she doesn't need to tell me what she's doing. As much as I don't like it.

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#283942 - 04/24/08 07:50 PM Re: I don't know what to do... [Re: TheTangeMan]
Four Keets Offline
Best Friend

Registered: 04/25/07
Posts: 1637
Loc: Orange County, CA
I agree with PDM. Your are young and still learning a lot in life. If she has done what you said she has, then in my opinion (as bluntly as I can):

End it and move on. You deserve better.
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#283964 - 04/24/08 08:38 PM Re: I don't know what to do... [Re: Four Keets]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
Yes, indeed Four Keets.

TheTangeMan, if she refuses to discuss your relationship, and tells you that this is none of your business, then think what she is actually saying.
Her love life; her sex life, her whole life ~ none of your business.

Would you consider going off with other girls and telling her it's none of her business?
Do you consider that your life choices are none of her business?

If it's none of your business, because you are not together, then you are not together.

I think that her message is quite loud and clear.

I think that you need to move on.

I appreciate that first love will always be special, but this just doesn't sound right to me.

You will get over this, because you deserve better treatment than this ~ and, deep down, you must know it.

Good luck!
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#283994 - 04/24/08 09:58 PM Re: I don't know what to do... [Re: PDM]
TheTangeMan Offline
Member

Registered: 04/23/08
Posts: 33
Thanks guys, I guess that I need some time to collect my thoughts about all the things you guys are talking about. I mean, not only was she my first love but my first girlfriend, and I guess just a month isn't long enough for me to move on just yet. I'll keep you updated if you are interested.

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#284199 - 04/25/08 06:51 PM Re: I don't know what to do... [Re: TheTangeMan]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
Hi Tangeman.

This is likely to be quite a difficult tinme for you, so be accepting of your feelings. And let us know how you are getting on.

Take care! smile
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#284285 - 04/26/08 03:36 AM Re: I don't know what to do... [Re: PDM]
TheTangeMan Offline
Member

Registered: 04/23/08
Posts: 33
Ok, I basically just brought up everything you guys were talking about with her and we talked kind of, I'm not sure how much me accomplished quite yet, but we talked seriously about our relationship and our choices and how what she's been doing has affected me. Since it's 2am here right now and we just got off the phone, and she has to work in the morning we decided to pause the convo till the morning when we are both rested and thinking a little more clearly, I don't know how we will end up, but I feel so much better now that I actually expressed my feelings. I am glad though that she said that I was "her best friend" still, so even if we do not get together again, which I don't really see happening, deff. not any time soon to say the least, I am glad that she still respects me as a friend if not a boyfriend. So thats where I stand right now, I will keep you all posted as I progress.

It's funny how people I have never met have helped me so much in this situation, when I felt lost just talking to friends. But I guess that's because you guys are only biased in that you only know what I've told you. Thanks again for the help, I know I'm not out of the blue yet, but, as I said, I will keep you posted.

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