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#284293 - 04/26/08 04:47 AM Re: I don't know what to do... [Re: TheTangeMan]
joandboys Offline
Soulmate

Registered: 08/26/07
Posts: 2101
Loc: New York
Hi tangman, you have gotten some of the best advice from PDM and others and it sounds like you really are a good friend to her. I am sure that she doesn't realize just what she has in you. If things should suddenly turn around and she wants to return to the relationship with you...I would suggest taking things extremely slow and cautious. I know that you love her, but she sounds very confused and I am sure that you would only want her back if it were for the right reasons. You deserve more than to be a fall back relationship because she finds herself in trouble or lonely at the moment. There can be a lot of repercussions to the lifestyle she is leading right now. Good luck.
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#284385 - 04/26/08 12:41 PM Re: I don't know what to do... [Re: joandboys]
TheTangeMan Offline
Member

Registered: 04/23/08
Posts: 33
Yeah I know and I have tried to talk to her about that.

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#284459 - 04/26/08 03:47 PM Re: I don't know what to do... [Re: TheTangeMan]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
Talking through things can give you some understanding of the situation, at least, so that must make you feel better.

Take care of yourself.

I agree with Jo about being careful with this.

Sometimes strangers can be more objective ~ and maybe a little older!!!
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#284634 - 04/27/08 01:13 AM Re: I don't know what to do... [Re: PDM]
TheTangeMan Offline
Member

Registered: 04/23/08
Posts: 33
Well, I got her to come clean about everything tonight, and she expressed her feelings to me, so I understand how she feels, I just don't understand why she feels that way. I realized that despite the fact that I was good to her in some ways, I think I might have ignored some of the signs that she sent out saying that she needed me at times. She says that a lot of her friends could tell that she was sad or something, but I was the only one that couldn't tell.

She just wants to feel free and she says she doesn't care about what she's doing, even though I'm not buying that, she just doesn't want to sound week. I'm pretty sure there are some deeper emotions running through her that I wasn't able to bring out this evening, but I will try. Right now we are on the level of I guess being more like aquaintances rather than friends. She tells me she still cares about me, but just not in the way that I want her to care about me. She says that I am still her best friend, and she just really doesn't know what she wants, so I don't know what to do to help her. I told her that if she ever needed me then she knows that I would be there. So that's where we are now on day i guess 5 of our expedition.

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#284638 - 04/27/08 02:27 AM Re: I don't know what to do... [Re: TheTangeMan]
joandboys Offline
Soulmate

Registered: 08/26/07
Posts: 2101
Loc: New York
She said she felt sad and her friends could tell. This could be depression. It sounds like she is being honest with you. When she says she just wants to feel free and she doesn't know what she wants I think that is another way of saying she is looking for someone else. She seems caught up in the thrills and excitement. She probably has some preconcieved idea of what love is supposed to be and is searching for the lightning bolt. Love isn't always like that. One minute you can feel ho hum about someone and the next you realize just how special they are. Unfortunately that is usually just after you have done something to loose them forever. One thing is for sure, she is not ready for a committed relationship with you. There is the chance that she may be a little damaged from something in her childhood that is causing her to act out and not show enough self love in her actions. This is a very hard situation for you to be in because you love her and it is possible for someone to help a person find their way back to self love. It is possible to be a good friend and think more of her than she does of herself. Sometimes that is enough to motivate someone who is being self destructive. As I see it, you need to be really honest with yourself about her as a person and honest with her about what you see her doing to herself. If she has relegated you to the friend status, then friends have the freedom and responsibility to be honest. You also have a responsibility to yourself. You love her and she may someday realize just what she has given up in you. At the same time, you don't want to turn your life into one of waiting in the shadows for crumbs forever. If you make it clear you deserve more, perhaps she will see that you do.
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#284654 - 04/27/08 09:52 AM Re: I don't know what to do... [Re: joandboys]
TheTangeMan Offline
Member

Registered: 04/23/08
Posts: 33
She knows that I deserve better than her, she even says it, and says that I am literally a one in a million kind of guy, but she can't force herself to love me back. As much as that hurts to know, and as much as it hurts to know what she's done now that she's told me everything, I still care about her well being, despite the fact that she has done some stuff she promised she would never do. I told her that I cared about her and she just laughed it off saying "Well you shouldn't because nobody else does, not even me..." I know this has to do with her ex boyfriend and how she felt about him and how that affected her, which she didn't have sex with him btw, she made out with him, and the guy she gave a hickey to was the guy she had sex with, also. She feels scared I think because she doesn't believe that there is such thing as a forever kind of relationship anymore. My parents just divorced, her mom has been married a couple times and all of our friends parents have had problems, she has a fantasy idea that in a good relationship there isn't any problems I guess. She sees all these relationships going down, and she is afraid that that will happen to us so she doesn't want to get involved with anybody for fear of getting hurt, she just wants to be promiscuous and not have to worry about anything.

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#284690 - 04/27/08 12:37 PM Re: I don't know what to do... [Re: TheTangeMan]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
Tangeman, this girl has issues and needs help sorting them out.

Some relationships founder & some work well. I met my husband when we were both teenagers ~ we are each other's only real boyfriend / girlfriend & we have been together for 33 years. It can work. It has for us and for a number of our friends. However, it often doesn't work ~ and that has been the case for some friends, too.

As her friend, you can give her support, if that is what you choose and what she wishes, but I think that she has made it clear that she no longer loves you as she should if the relationship is going to work ~ so don't expect any changes there. This happens a lot. People change ~ especially as they grow from teenagers into full adults.

Is she really being promiscuous, or just experiencing life?
I don't know, but promiscuity is not good. It can have emotional and physical health consequences.

It may be that she fears your relationship 'going down', or it may just be that she has outgrown the relationship.

Try to deal with this and then go out and find the girl who will be able to complement you long term.


Edited by PDM (04/27/08 12:38 PM)
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#284796 - 04/27/08 05:18 PM Re: I don't know what to do... [Re: PDM]
TheTangeMan Offline
Member

Registered: 04/23/08
Posts: 33
Well, I don't know really how far you have to go to become promiscuous but I know she told me she had sex with this guy, and I asked her why because she had felt so strongly against it while we were together and she said because he was a good [censored]. I told her that if she keeps it up she's ruining her life, but she says she doesn't care, but I have a strong feeling that she is doing this because she is afraid of commitment, I know I moved too fast when I proposed to her, but I can't sit back and let her do this to herself, she doesn't feel like anybody cares about her anymore, and when I say that I do, she just simply says "well you shouldn't because I don't" and she keeps saying that me not leaving her alone about this is making it too hard, that makes me feel like she may still have feelings for me, but she's trying to forget them because of her fear of being hurt. And since I won't leave her alone about how I feel for her, it's making it hard for her to forget the feelings she has for me. Do you think that I am just trying to justify her actions by thinking this or does it sound like it's a possibility?

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#284879 - 04/27/08 09:30 PM Re: I don't know what to do... [Re: TheTangeMan]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
Who knows?
Apart from this, has there been a big change in any other part of her life lately?
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#284954 - 04/27/08 11:49 PM Re: I don't know what to do... [Re: PDM]
TheTangeMan Offline
Member

Registered: 04/23/08
Posts: 33
Well, this happened a couple months ago, but she found out that her step-dad got this other lady pregnant after him and her mom split up. And now he's trying to get back into their lives so that might be it. Other than that, the only big thing that I can think of right now was that she turned 18 and she keeps on telling me that because of that she feels so free because she can move out anytime she wants now, so she doesn't really need her moms permission any more, plus she's about to graduate from HS. Basically, I think she feels like an adult finally. That might be it too.

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