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#284959 - 04/28/08 12:30 AM Re: I don't know what to do... [Re: TheTangeMan]
joandboys Offline
Soulmate

Registered: 08/26/07
Posts: 2101
Loc: New York
Tangman, I am seeing a little girl who's dad divorced her mom and left this little girl with feelings of rejection and low self worth. I see a young woman who was very hurt by a former boyfriend who again deserted her and left her with feelings of rejection and low self worth. I see a young woman who's step father, who might have taken the place of her real father, deserted her and her mother and once again left her with feelings of rejection and low self worth. I also see a young woman who doesn't feel lovable and is afraid that if she does commit and love someone they will leave just like everyone else has. She is going for the quick fix for love which is sex and using that to bolster her feelings of being unloved. I also think she has been abused by someone in her past. I think she needs to seek professional help. She is displaying actions and saying things that are self destructive. If she keeps going I think she can become suicidal. I agree with PDM, that she has issues. I also think that she cares for you, but not as strongly as she should. I also think that your fears for her well being are warranted. You cannot save her from herself,however, that takes a professional. I am sure some of it is a cry for help, because she knows you love her. She is telling you things that are like bill boards. I believe you can only be her friend and a good friend and be honest with her and encourage her to see a professional. If she wants to know why tell her that she has sadness issues that can be helped and that running away and partying will not made that sadness deep inside go away. Tell her that you want to see her happy, not sad inside, even if your not together.
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#284966 - 04/28/08 03:28 AM Re: I don't know what to do... [Re: joandboys]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
I agree with Jo ~ she seems to need help.
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"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#285142 - 04/28/08 04:20 PM Re: I don't know what to do... [Re: PDM]
TheTangeMan Offline
Member

Registered: 04/23/08
Posts: 33
I know... honestly, after she broke up with her ex a couple years ago, she was VERY depressed, which I didn't know her at that point, until a couple months after they broke up, but when I found her, she was a broken person. She used to cut, not her wrists, but stuff like that, and the way I did save her life is that she, in fact, was very suicidal at one point, and snuck out of her house in the middle of the night a couple years ago, and I very strongly feared that she would actually take the plunge, literally. So, I rushed out to where she was in the middle of the night, the first time I ever snuck out of my house, or did anything like that that could be considered a rebellious act; and stayed with her and changed her mind, and we started dating a couple months after that, but that was the only time she ever got close to actually doing it. And like I said that was about 2 years ago, so I thought she had become ok, but I found out 2 nights ago, that she has started cutting again.

So I understand that she needs help, but I am afraid to even bring it up because after everything that's happened the past couple weeks, she will get upset with me if I bring anything up involving her well being. Which is something that I don't want her to be, upset. I have a feeling she might have just gone into some form of relapse for a bit, because her whole life is changing right now. But believe me, I am keeping my eye on her, and when I feel the time is right, if she doesn't get better by herself, then I will talk to her about it. I won't let her hurt herself.

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#285145 - 04/28/08 04:25 PM Re: I don't know what to do... [Re: TheTangeMan]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
You sound like a very good friend.
Is there anyone who can support you ~ and her ~ in this?
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"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#285208 - 04/28/08 05:51 PM Re: I don't know what to do... [Re: PDM]
TheTangeMan Offline
Member

Registered: 04/23/08
Posts: 33
I have talked to a guy who is a best friend to both of us, and he has been trying to find out what is going on with her too, since her and him havn't been in the same relationship that I have with her, maybe she will be more open to him, who knows. But yes, I am utilizing others who will help me out.

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#285220 - 04/28/08 06:22 PM Re: I don't know what to do... [Re: TheTangeMan]
joandboys Offline
Soulmate

Registered: 08/26/07
Posts: 2101
Loc: New York
Tangman, She did not get better. When a person is classed as suicidal, a doctor takes everything in their past and present into consideration. What you saw then and now are symptoms coming to the surface. She is not better until the deep issues that made her cut and contemplate suicide are delt with. I know you love her and you don't want to upset her and feel as if you can protect her from harm but you are not equipped to deal with these issues. Love will not fix the problem. She needs professional help. I know you don't want to make her upset with you, but that will probably be the test of how much you love her. If you don't encourage her to deal with her problems, and something tragic happens, you will never forgive yourself. You cannot be with her twenty four hours a day. Now that you have revealed this information, I would bet my bottom dollar that there is sexual abuse in her past. She is already committing suicide, just one cut at a time. If you need convincing, contact any community help line or call any psychiatric clinic and ask to speak to a professional. Tell them what she is doing and ask their advice. You can do it anonymously. Call on a pay phone so they don't have your number.
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#285283 - 04/28/08 08:23 PM Re: I don't know what to do... [Re: joandboys]
TheTangeMan Offline
Member

Registered: 04/23/08
Posts: 33
This is an extremely long message (takes up almost 2 while pages on MS Word) Yeah, the more and more I think about it, I think that I need to do this. I'm pretty sure that she would have told me if there was sexual abuse to herself when she was younger, but I know something happened to her younger sister and her dad, but she never fully explained what happened. If anything happened to her, then I am pretty sure she would have talked about it, and if she did and I can't remember, then it couldn't have been any more than a side remark that she then refused to elaborate on. I will ask her about it. What have thought, and what I have always thought was that this has to do with her ex boyfriend. I will explain to you her past with him from what she has told me and what I know. I will try and be as least biased in my story telling as possible, even though I despise this guy from the bottom of my being. This guy, hereby referred to as K, used her big time, but she, L, never realized it. I mean, used her for sexual favors starting early. I guess they were friends in middle school, but K I guess had sex for the first time at a very young age or something, because he started trying to get L to do stuff in the 8th grade. Eventually, she had sex with him I don't know at what age and grade, but either way, he was her first, so that formed an emotional connection to him. Essentially, she devoted every waking moment to him because of this connection that had formed. At this point I'm not sure why, but she started to greatly despise her mother. Well she wrote about this dislike of her mother in a diary, and then her mother found said diary, which also informed her of the fact that she had had boyfriends before that her mother had not known about. So her relationship with her mother was ruined, then one of L's friends betrayed her by telling her mother what she had been doing with K, which destroyed her life even more. So with L's life crumbling, as her mother now knew everything that had been going on in her relationship with K, K believed it was too difficult to be involved with her. So, he decides to break up with her because "He didn't want to deal with her problems anymore" the words she says he actually used. Ok, so that is the the evolution her problems up to April of 2006. I will now take the time to explain her relationship with friends up until April of 2006, (Don't worry this part won't be as long) Ok, so her best friend at this point, A, and a couple of her other friends were all cool at going through school, until L met K, when they finally started going out, and their relationship became VERY physical in the form of sex. Basically, L started spending all her time with K and not with her friends so they turned on her and started lots of rumors and stuff about her. And that is what is left of her friends by April of 2006. Ok, so now by April, she has lost the person that she felt so strongly for, and thought that he was the one for her. Now that she is all alone and hurting, she does not have friends to go to for comfort, and she does not have anybody in her family to rely on because everything was done in secrecy, so her mother could not know about it without hurting her relationship even more. So here she dives into a deep slope of depression because she is broken with almost literally nobody to go to. She still had a couple friends who were loyal to her, however, but that was not enough to outweigh her feeling of betrayal. To add to her pain, K, got a new girlfriend only a couple weeks after their 2 year relationship, that L felt was so strong and meant to be, ended. And K would look the other way and completely ignore her whenever they passed in the halls, so she felt like she had lost her one and only. Then later, one of her few friends left that she felt she could go to to talk to decided the same thing as K did and he said he couldn't deal with her problems. So this all has happened by the end of May of 2006, which was when her and I met. As it stands then, she had lost her relationship with her family, with all but 2 of her friends, and with her one and only, she had quite literally hit rock bottom. That’s when she started thinking of suicide and cutting. Her and I slowly became friends, and I slowly built up her trust for a couple months, then she got into an argument with another of her friends and THEY stopped talking, now she was down to 1 (not including myself) and she was never really good friends with that person anyways. Then in August of 2006, was the night that I snuck out of my house for her. After that she stopped seeming so depressed, I though that maybe it was because she felt like she had somebody she could talk to again and somebody who cared about her enough to run away in the middle of the night for her. Once she started getting better and K noticed, he decided it was ok to deal with her now, that he could be there for her when she doesn’t need him most and he starts calling on her when he’s having problems with his relationships, and even though she knew that he had used her by this point, she still had those strong feelings for him that she couldn’t and still can’t get away from. Then we started dating and she seemed ok for good, and she even told K that she wasn’t going to put up with his xxxx anymore. We started dating on September 27, 2006 and stopped March 23, 2008. During that time, she showed no real signs of depression. And now we are at this point. If you have any more questions then please ask. So you can see why I feel it all spans from her ex, K, if she hadn't started with him, she wouldn't have lost her friends and wouldn't have ruined her relationship with her family either. He ruined everything for her, and she needs to know that. I know that this really sounds like it is stretched or something, but I can guarantee you that this is what has happened.


Edited by PDM (04/29/08 07:32 AM)

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#285433 - 04/29/08 01:09 AM Re: I don't know what to do... [Re: TheTangeMan]
joandboys Offline
Soulmate

Registered: 08/26/07
Posts: 2101
Loc: New York
Your account of how it happened and who started the downhill spiril of everything is probably accurate. Perhaps she didn't have sexual abuse by a relative but she has suffered sexual abuse non the less. She was not prepared for a sexual relationship at that young age and probably was pressured into it at first. She probably suffers from all of the same guilt issues as well as betrayal. She is acting out classical self hate behavior. I also don't know what provoked the hate of her mother at one point, but sometimes this occurs because a stepfather does something inappropriate. She wouldn't necessarily tell you. She may feel that telling would destroy the one shred of pride she has left. She might fear that you would think she was awful. She has been abondoned by everyone in her eyes. Yes, you were probably her life line out for a while. I think it sounds like the ex boyfriend came back and reminded her just how much control he still has over her feelings and self esteem. I don't know if she is running away from you as much as she is just running. Running so she doesn't have to stop and feel anything. I think you said she knows he is bad for her. I think he has a deep hold on her. It sounds like she gave him everything in her heart and he destroyed it. We are still back at the core issue. You are not equipped to help that damaged ego and inner self heal itself. She needs to see that the pain she feels will and can go away. She needs to understand that she is worthy of love and that she can love herself again. She needs the love of her mother and she needs to know that she can have that again. It isn't the love from other people that is going to really heal her. She has to learn to love herself again. However it started, it is what it is. The damage has been done and it needs to be undone. I think you are right that she has to see that he is the root of it all. I think she is beginning to see but will need a professional to validate the reality of those truths. She also has to forgive herself. Validation is the process in therapy where the therapist tells her that she is right to feel betrayed,angry and hurt.That her ex was wrong to have pressured her at such a young age. She needs to know she is a good person despite friends leaving.She needs to know that the opinion of angry friends does not make her a bad person. She needs to learn to love herself again and forgive her mother. If she works on realizing these things she needs to know that she will love herself again. It is something that a trained professional knows how to walk her through. She comes to realize it herself. She comes to believe it because a respected unbiased professional says, you're not alone and you are right to feel this way. It becomes believable because a therapist has no agenda. He has no reason to lie or tell her something she wants to hear. Loved ones or friends don't really have that much power simply because they would seem biased in her eyes. You only have the power to encourage her to seek help and be her friend and let her know you will be there for her as a friend. Doesn't it seem funny that the minute that you wanted something from her that she started running. Be the friend for now. All great loves started as great friendships.
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Cookie and Sweetie

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#285440 - 04/29/08 01:58 AM Re: I don't know what to do... [Re: joandboys]
TheTangeMan Offline
Member

Registered: 04/23/08
Posts: 33
I completely agree and what you say seems to make sense, and is stuff that I have been trying to tell her for some time. I am working on seeking professional help and all, and I know that once she gets over this, we will be fine again...maybe not in as intimate as a relationship, but I think she will at least be happy again.

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#285442 - 04/29/08 02:08 AM Re: I don't know what to do... [Re: TheTangeMan]
joandboys Offline
Soulmate

Registered: 08/26/07
Posts: 2101
Loc: New York
Good luck! We are here if you want to talk.
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Cookie and Sweetie

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