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#290389 - 05/10/08 12:53 PM Better Conversations...
Dagny Offline
Regular

Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 64
ok so I've been dating this guy for a while and I was wondering if there are any suggestions for better conversations? I'm rather...shy so I tend to be extremely passive
also I sometimes get uncomfortable because when he wants to be affectionate and say things like he loves me or I'm the greatest I don't know how to respond

so I don't know what to say at times...any suggestions? thanks

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#290434 - 05/10/08 02:52 PM Re: Better Conversations... [Re: Dagny]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
Hi Dagny

I feel a bit bemused by this question, I have to admit.

Young teenagers often ask for such advice ~ to enable them to start a new relationship, but, according to your other post, you are in your twenties and considering embarking on marriage ~ which is rather different.

Normally, I would say that, once you have found your soul-mate, conversation will flow quite easily. I wonder why you feel that it isn't here??

If you are shy and quiet, and your boyfriend says that he loves you, then maybe he just prefers shy, quiet girls.

I'm not sure that external advice would be useful.

As to your specific point, about how to respond to 'I love you', etc, you need to ask yourself how you actually feel about him.

Do you love him?
Are you in love with him?
Do you like him?
Do you think that he is the best boy in the world?
Would you feel lost without him?
Is he 'the greatest'?

If you are planning on marrying someone, I think that you should feel able to talk to him easily about anything ~ and you should feel able to tell him that you love him.

Is it really shyness, or uncertainty?

If it is just shyness, and you can't get the words out, even though you mean them, then why not send him a love letter?
That's really romantic!

If you cannot say it, because you do not mean it, then that's another matter.

Tell him what you do feel ~ that he's wonderful / great / whatever.

But should you be planning marriage, if you are not yet sure?

I re-read your other post ~ you say there: 'I love him and I love his personality' .. I think I'm in the stage of a more mature love'.

Also:
'I worry where he is...if he is thinking realistically like me or still just infatuated...so I worry if he loves the real me or the me that he thinks I am (and I might not be).'

So, you can tell us that you love him ~ but not him?

Is it that you feel that you each may have a different definition of love, perhaps??

I'd suggest that this is one topic of conversation for you both ~ to explore how you feel and what it means to each of you.

(I keep mentioning the 'Venus & Mars' type books ~ they do help men & women to understand each other better ~ I'm certain of it.)

Better conversation??

I don't know ~ read the newspapers / watch ther news ~ discuss the items.

Are you at the same college? Can you discuss courses & ideas.

Write a list of what interests you both and each choose something to find out about the other's interest.

Do some things together and some apart, so that you have shared interests to talk about and also new experiences to bring to the discussion.

Good luck! smile

http://www.wineintro.com/forum/ubbthread...4554#Post274554
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#290440 - 05/10/08 03:09 PM Re: Better Conversations... [Re: PDM]
Dagny Offline
Regular

Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 64
thanks for replying so fast.
Yes I know I'm in a very confusing relationship and I thought that books and learning will help but I'm not sure it will...
I am in love with him and I do feel it, I guess I just have trouble expressing it. My parents are not open with their feelings, they never hug me or tell me how they feel, or each other for that matter. But he comes from a totally different background with a close family who constantly remind each other and express how they feel...so my parents look at this and think he's too mushy...so the constant expressing of love and affection was the newest thing for me and I still haven't figured out how to respond when he expresses his feelings. So thats why I asked my question...
Thanks for the ideas of discussions. We do have some good conversations involving our interests, but sometimes theres just some what seems quiet time. I'm not sure if that is normal or if there are just some normal pauses in conversation or if its just me really...
oh and I do tell him I love him and he knows it...its just that he is...more "mushy" than me somedays and wants to express his affection and I usually don't know how to respond...

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#290456 - 05/10/08 03:49 PM Re: Better Conversations... [Re: Dagny]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
Oh, I understand now.

Yes, definitely, some families are more openly affectionate than others ~ and it has its effects on their offspring.

You will gradually sort out your own way in this, so don't worry about it, as long as you both feel happy about things.

Parents are bound to be concerned about their daughters, but as far as him being 'too mushy', well, I don't think that this is for your parents to say, really. He loves you ~ that's lovely, not mushy!
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#294384 - 05/25/08 07:54 PM Re: Better Conversations... [Re: PDM]
Dagny Offline
Regular

Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 64
I need more advice I think...
He's like always calling me, probably talking to me for more than 6 hours a day somedays. The problem is I feel I need some space, to do things I enjoy and also doing things like eating lunch and dinner...how can I tell him nicely that I need some space but don't totally stop talking to me?
Also its somewhat...exhausting talking to someone all day long. I think this is part of my problem of running out of things to talk about if you talk to someone like half a day.
Is marriage like this? I mean I realize if I married this guy it would not be a phone call but an all day phone call (living together) I just feel like we're together too often and then I worry because I think that means our relationship or marriage might turn out bad if I feel like I need space. So is that a bad thing?

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#294403 - 05/25/08 08:34 PM Re: Better Conversations... [Re: Dagny]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
Hi,

Some people, when in the throes of early love, want to be with their soul-mate all the time. Others want some 'me-time'.

It's difficult when a couple includes one of each.

I think that it is wonderful to be each other's best friend, but I do think that people need their individual space as well.

I think that you need to sort this out, before it starts to cause problems. It's not going to be easy, though.

Since he likes to talk, maybe you should use some of this time to discuss your relationship ~ making it clear that you love him, but that it's ok for you to spend time apart as well.

Good luck with this!

_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#294859 - 05/26/08 11:09 PM Re: Better Conversations... [Re: PDM]
Dagny Offline
Regular

Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 64
I think it does cause problems...I really have to think up things to talk about and sometimes get a little bored...
I love spending time with him, like going to lunch together and talking over lunch or a meal or wherever, but thats not always possible and if he calls before I can make myself lunch I tend to not eat until dinner. Then sometimes I get phone calls during dinner...lol
Is it a bad thing that he's in the early love stage? Will it wear off or something...
also it might just be him...like he's talkative just like I am more passive... But I don't think I know him that well enough to say from what I know of him
thanks for the help

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