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#299823 - 06/09/08 11:10 PM Signs of a bad boyfriend?
Dagny Offline
Regular

Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 64
Lately he's been a bit more harsh before, he sometimes criticizes me, thinks a story I told him was boring, and so on. Also when he says things that hurt me I do get upset so he thinks I might be bipolar...he also doesn't like me being grumpy. I don't put him down or yell at him when grumpy or anything...but I just figured that if you really loved someone you accept them fully (all moods)?
I know that I don't it when he gets harsh either so I might be hypocritical there...
So what is his problem? He's explained that saying things he doesn't mean is a habit of his but it really upsets me at times...and I sometimes feel like I say sorry and the pattern of behavior is repeated!
Is this normal in a relationship or is he just a bad boyfriend? Thanks for any advice

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#299828 - 06/09/08 11:19 PM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: Dagny]
Kariva Offline
Tin Star Soulmate

Registered: 07/14/06
Posts: 3870
Loc: Sycamore,IL
ive been through that and it escalated to abuse verbal mental physical all of it so i would sit down with him and tell him how you feel if he changes awesome if he doesnt then it ight now work

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#299835 - 06/09/08 11:34 PM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: Kariva]
Dagny Offline
Regular

Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 64
thanks for replying
yeah I've already spoken to him about it and its just like a bad habit to him I guess...but I do think he's been trying to improve it and think ahead of how I will feel about what he says. He said that he has a hard time judging how I will react to what he says, sometimes he doesn't want to say something because of my feelings and I encourage him to and it's nothing to sweat about. Other times he doesn't think it will upset me and it does. We each overreact alot and I guess I've said stuff that he didn't like and I guess we guess perceive things differently?

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#299836 - 06/09/08 11:34 PM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: Kariva]
428pm Offline
Long Time Friend

Registered: 04/30/08
Posts: 959
I've been through an abusive relationship myself, and counsel ladies about them. I sent you a pm.
_________________________

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#299850 - 06/10/08 01:17 AM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: 428pm]
KoKo Offline
Friend

Registered: 09/03/07
Posts: 204
Honestly, he sounds verbally abusive. It is good for him to be honest, but he should also be positive. I am not one to give advice on men though.

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#299869 - 06/10/08 03:50 AM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: Dagny]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
Hi,

Just so that we can get a better idea of the background to this relationship, I'm posting some quotes from your other threads.

Hope that's ok. smile

Originally Posted By: Dagny
I am in a newish relationship, and its my first serious relationship. I've only known him for a few months, yet he wants to marry me...

is it too soon to consider this? Its not like we are getting married tomorrow, but if it happens it will probably be at least a few years, but...I'm worried the relationship is being rushed and I am investing emotions in a relationship that is going too fast.

A lot of our relationship is fast and sometimes we try to slow things down.

We are in our early 20's too (in college) so in reality we won't be marrying for a few years.

I'm not having doubts exactly, I love him and I love his personality. I know he treats everyone kindly and if we got married I don't worry that he would be a terrible husband.

I just started wondering if there was a normal time when you should consider engagement and if we are going too fast.

I think I'm in the stage of a more mature love, I worry where he is...if he is thinking realistically like me or still just infatuated

I worry if he loves the real me or the me that he thinks I am (and I might not be).

do I deserve an incredibly awesome husband or not?


I was wondering if there are any suggestions for better conversations? I'm rather...shy so I tend to be extremely passive

I sometimes get uncomfortable because when he wants to be affectionate and say things like he loves me or I'm the greatest I don't know how to respond

I don't know what to say at times

I'm in a very confusing relationship and I thought that books and learning will help but I'm not sure it will

I am in love with him and I do feel it, I guess I just have trouble expressing it.

My parents are not open with their feelings, they never hug me or tell me how they feel, or each other for that matter. But he comes from a totally different background with a close family who constantly remind each other and express how they feel

my parents look at this and think he's too mushy

the constant expressing of love and affection was the newest thing for me and I still haven't figured out how to respond

We do have some good conversations involving our interests, but sometimes theres just some what seems quiet time.

I do tell him I love him and he knows it...its just that he is...more "mushy" than me somedays and wants to express his affection and I usually don't know how to respond...

He's like always calling me, probably talking to me for more than 6 hours a day somedays.

I feel I need some space, to do things I enjoy and also doing things like eating lunch and dinner

how can I tell him nicely that I need some space but don't totally stop talking to me?

Also its somewhat...exhausting talking to someone all day long. I think this is part of my problem of running out of things to talk about

Is marriage like this? I mean I realize if I married this guy it would not be a phone call but an all day phone call (living together)

I just feel like we're together too often and then I worry because I think that means our relationship or marriage might turn out bad if I feel like I need space.

I really have to think up things to talk about and sometimes get a little bored...

I love spending time with him, like going to lunch together and talking over lunch or a meal or wherever, but thats not always possible and if he calls before I can make myself lunch I tend to not eat until dinner. Then sometimes I get phone calls during dinner...lol

Is it a bad thing that he's in the early love stage? Will it wear off or something...

also it might just be him...like he's talkative just like I am more passive

I don't think I know him that well enough to say

they haven't plain come out and told me they don't like me or shown any disrespect but I get the feeling that [Partner's Parents] really don't think I'm the person they'd pick to date their son.

I always figured I was a great person, I don't do anything illegal and I am very nice, friendly and respectful
Thanks


http://www.wineintro.com/forum/ubbthread...4218#Post274218

http://www.wineintro.com/forum/ubbthread...0389#Post290389

http://www.wineintro.com/forum/ubbthread...2862#Post292862


Edited by PDM (06/10/08 03:54 AM)
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#300112 - 06/10/08 08:22 PM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: PDM]
KoKo Offline
Friend

Registered: 09/03/07
Posts: 204
You are a great person and you should keep thinking that you are. If you have doubts, maybe you might want to date other men. You might want to talk to him about it first of course.
It sounds like you have doubts. However, if you think you could love him than stay only with him.


I was 27 when I got married and now I am 30. Marriage is hard and takes work. Marriage is good, but it takes work. I am glad that I waited at an older age because before I would not have been ready, but that is me. Being mushy is not bad. It is good to be lovable and especially in a marriage.

What you need to do is have an open conversation with this man about your feelings. Are you ready for this type of commitment while you are still in college? Ask yourself these questions you are asking us.



Edited by KoKo (06/10/08 08:22 PM)

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#300245 - 06/11/08 05:55 AM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: KoKo]
Dagny Offline
Regular

Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 64
Koko-I do think I am ready for marriage and I do love him. It's just that he is my first boyfriend and I didn't know if going that fast into future commitments was normal or typical. We both plan to finish college and wait a few years before marrying though.
I have told him I think we are taking it too fast, but sometimes I know my reactions to his future plans upset him/make him sad.
I'm kinda the brakes of our relationship...lol

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#300475 - 06/11/08 05:23 PM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: Dagny]
KoKo Offline
Friend

Registered: 09/03/07
Posts: 204
If you are ready for marriage and you love him there are no rules to love. You are right about going to fast, however you have to go with what you feel.
Even though I was 27, I have a secret. I only knew my husband 2 months b4 we got married. After I married him I learned new things about him that I did not know b4.
Like finding out he did not like dogs being inside made us have arguements. However, we both love eachother enough so we compromised.
My point is, there are no rules to love.
If you want to take a break, than you should. Go with your feelings.

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#300527 - 06/11/08 08:09 PM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: KoKo]
Dagny Offline
Regular

Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 64
Thanks Koko, I never knew there was no rules to love (this is my first relationship) but I at first worried that it was a little too fast to make long term plans/commitments.
my feelings and heart say he is a great guy, with a caring heart that says alot of things he doesn't mean in the heat of an argument, or is flippant alot and it gets him into trouble and hurts my feelings. But now I worry that he is abusive verbally...
I don't know, I really like your idea thought about no rules. When I do start to over analyze these things and worry about them they seem to...affect the relationship badly.
Like me feeling that it is too soon/fast to be talking about long term, or joking with baby names I become distant during that, act like I just don't care anymore or upset him. He believes in soulmates, faerie tales and dreams come true and here I am trying to introduce him the the reality that it might not work out! So sometimes I feel like I probably hurt him emotionally too:(

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