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#301080 - 06/13/08 01:33 AM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: PDM]
KoKo Offline
Friend

Registered: 09/03/07
Posts: 204
dachicken it may have been long, but joandboys is giving good advice to help dagny

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#301919 - 06/16/08 12:23 AM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: KoKo]
Dagny Offline
Regular

Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 64
We had another stupid fight and now I'm not sure if we are even together anymore...
Could it just be that he doesn't think before he says something? Like he says every stupid thing that comes into his mind...like leaping before you've looked?


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#301945 - 06/16/08 09:00 AM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: Dagny]
joandboys Offline
Soulmate

Registered: 08/26/07
Posts: 2101
Loc: New York
Time will tell. Lots of time. Perhaps he is taking the relationship for granted. You could try a little experiment. Try sitting down with him and telling him that you want to discuss your relationship. Explain how you feel and tell him that the way you both are communicating is hurting you and your feeling about the relationship. Tell him how you expect to be talked to. Tell him how you want to talk to him. Don't accuse but explain that you want the relationship to work and you see this as the only way it will. Then sit back and listen. If he is defensive and argumentative and is all about him and his feelings and does not want to meet you halfway then you have your answer. Don't let it escalate into a fight. Tell him to take his time and think about it before he comments if he wants to, because it is very important to you. State your feelings simply and then listen very very carefully to what he says. I am not trying to tell you what to do. I am not going to even suggest what you do if he is unwilling to come half way. I will simply remind you that marriage is a partnership of give and take and co-operation. Without it you have a dictatorship. That is a relationship where you are powerless.
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Cookie and Sweetie

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#301951 - 06/16/08 09:42 AM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: joandboys]
Eliz Offline
Regular

Registered: 06/10/08
Posts: 79
Loc: Texas
Dagny
If he is like this as a boyfriend, things will be worse if you two get married. Believe me, I lived it. My exhusband was the same way before we got married. After a year or so of being married, he became horrid. He alienated me from my friends and family. I wasn't allowed to even call my mother. Notice the word ALLOWED! By the time we divorced, I had to ask for gas money and hide money for clothes for the kids.

Please get out while you can. Your life isn't worth living that away!
_________________________
Every day may not be good, but there's some good in every day.

Author Unknown

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#301965 - 06/16/08 10:52 AM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: Eliz]
Dagny Offline
Regular

Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 64
Jo- thats a good idea, I guess I really don't know how to communicate to him how I feel. I also think he does get defensive when we argue (I do as well) and perhaps taking a non accusing approach might make both of us feel more comfortable?
He does know how I sometimes feel about what he says. I even told my mom about our argument and asked her if she thought he loved me, she says he does. But she thinks he just says things without thinking, and he probably doesn't mean them or even think about their impact before he says them. I know several other examples of things he has said or mentioned to others when he probably should not have said that...so I know its probably not just meanness towards me
Eliz- I really don't think my bf would ever alienate me from my family, he is a big family guy and really loves my mother. I know his dream marriage would be one in which he and his wife's family could be close and do things together ect. Plus I am in college and when I get a job I will have money for things I also want/need. Plus I know he isn't stingy with money like that...if anyone is stingy and likely to deal without money like that it's me...o.O yeah I'm probably not the perfect gf either...

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#302006 - 06/16/08 01:32 PM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: Dagny]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
Hi Dagny

I have to say that you have got me really confused.

First, though, I agree with Jo about having an objective discussion.

Second, I recommend Grey's Venus & Mars books again. I'm not getting commission, honestly! You can probably find them, or books like them, in a library ~ or have a look at the website. They can help you to understand the differences between male & female brains. This can save a lot of misunderstanding ~which can cause arguments.

Third, I cannot tell whether you have a lovely, affectionate boyfriend, who, like everyone else, has his faults, or whether you have a possessive husband in the making, who may turn out to be very demanding of your love, your time, your attention, etc.

I'm guessing, judging from your comments, that you don't know for sure, either.
Many contradict each other.

On top of that, even if he is your perfect match and a wonderful chap ~ what about you?

I am concerned that you are trying to find out about falling in love from a book. That you are asking for conversation ideas on a forum.

I know that this is your first relationship ~ and I agree that books and advice forums are here to help, but I really feel that you should be making more important decisions and judgements for yourself. Also that things should be more intuitive.

I realise that, regarding displays of affection, you and he have been brought up differently, but, in my opinion, if he is the love of your life, you should be able to talk to him all day and all night and never get bored or lack things to say.

Equally, though, he should understand that you have your studies and your friends and not demand your attention all the time ~ even when you should be sleeping.

I feel that love should come so naturally that responses are instinctive, not the result of book-learning. (Not that I didn't read books on the science of love when I was courting, because I did.)

I just feel that something doesn't seem quite right here.
I'm not sure what it is.

Just re-read some of your comments and have a good think about them:

Originally Posted By: Dagny
I'm anot having doubts exactly, I love him and I love his personality.

I know he treats everyone kindly

do I deserve an incredibly awesome husband or not?

I sometimes get uncomfortable because when he wants to be affectionate .. I don't know how to respond

I am in love with him and I do feel it, I guess I just have trouble expressing it.

my parents .. think he's too mushy

He's like always calling me, probably talking to me for more than 6 hours a day

I feel I need some space

I just feel like we're together too often


I don't know what to say at times

I'm in a very confusing relationship and I thought that books and learning will help but I'm not sure it will

the constant expressing of love and affection was the newest thing for me and I still haven't figured out how to respond

I do tell him I love him and he knows it...its just that he is...more "mushy" than me ..

I ... sometimes get a little bored

I love spending time with him

I don't think I know him that well

I do think I am ready for marriage and I do love him

I never knew there was no rules to love

my feelings and heart say he is a great guy, with a caring heart

now I worry that he is abusive verbally

When I do start to over analyze these things and worry about them they seem to...affect the relationship badly.

sometimes I feel like I probably hurt him emotionally too

I do think I might be more mature than he is

he has a very deep emotional side

sometimes I think part of the time we argue when he does say harsh things it might be just him being childish

Possessive...lol I spent the day with him and then he called me that night and nearly talked to me all night

At least I know a lot more about him in a short span than if we didn't talk all the time

I jump to a negative conclusion, he's controlling me or something (which I don't think he does but...)

he is mushy a lot but at times he is harsh


Well Dagny, what is he?

~ A possessive & potentially (verbally) abusive man with whom you cannot communicate ~ partly because you don't know him to well?

~ A fun-loving, affectionately mushy, awesome young man whom you love, know well and intend to marry?


And, if and when you feel that he is being harsh, does he seem to be having an out-of-the-blue personality change, or does he respond to something that you have said or done?



Edited by PDM (06/16/08 01:33 PM)
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#302019 - 06/16/08 01:51 PM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: PDM]
Dagny Offline
Regular

Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 64
I'm sorry if I confused you PDM. I really don't read alot of books on relationships/love just one because I realized that it probably wouldn't help. I just research things when I have a question/problem that I'd like other opinions or ideas about. like wanting to know if considering a marriage with him was way too early, or how to communicate with him better and such. I figured relationships and love are more than intuitive though, but are also rational as well.
I'm not sure if he is possessive or abusive but he is sometimes harsh and tough on me or says things he doesn't mean or think about...and I sometimes find it hard to communicate with him because I don't tend to talk alot. I know him very well though because he is the opposite of me and talks all the time. But on the other hand he is very caring towards me and others. I just think that he's both very loving but sometimes...tough as well if that is possible? I'm sorry I don't know hot to explain it better...
but I guess the constant calling and stuff could either be because he really enjoys my company and wants to be with me all day or because he is possessive and the calls are more of a checking up on me kind of thing (I have a relative with a bf who calls her all of the time to make sure she is not cheating or stuff)

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#302021 - 06/16/08 02:02 PM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: PDM]
Eliz Offline
Regular

Registered: 06/10/08
Posts: 79
Loc: Texas
PDM
I totally 100% agree with you!!

Dagny if you have even the slightest doubts, back away. Don't persue this relationship. If you feel you can't do that, then take a break. Go on vacation without him.
_________________________
Every day may not be good, but there's some good in every day.

Author Unknown

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#302039 - 06/16/08 02:47 PM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: Eliz]
Dagny Offline
Regular

Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 64
Eliz, its not so much doubt though than just wondering if agreeing to be engaged with him was a good idea. For example if your investing your money or life into a decision you want to make sure it's a good idea. You might want to make that decision and it makes you happy now but you just want to ask a friend, counselor or whatever who is more knowledgeable on your decision if it is a good call or not...
I just sometimes wish he'd stop saying things that upset me, its emotionally draining. Other than that I know he's a good guy who cares about me, if I could just get him to start thinking before he blurts out stuff...

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#302043 - 06/16/08 03:04 PM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: Eliz]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
Hi Eliz and welcome to the forum! smile
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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