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#302044 - 06/16/08 03:05 PM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: PDM]
Eliz Offline
Regular

Registered: 06/10/08
Posts: 79
Loc: Texas
TY!!
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#302048 - 06/16/08 03:18 PM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: Dagny]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
Dagny, I'm sorry but I don't think that I made myself clear ~ possibly because I do, indeed, feel a bit confused.

It does not matter that I feel confused; it matters that you do.

Look again at those comments of yours that I quoted.

They are confusing and / or contradictory.
They are your own comments ~ so you must be confused as to what this boy is like and how you should behave.

This is not a good place to be when you are planning marriage.

What if he does turn out to be abusive?
Would that be good for you and any children that you may have?

What if he's not; but you go on thinking that he might be 'a bad husband', as opposed to 'a bad boyfriend'?
Would that be a pleasant marriage for him?

It is not usual for young people in love to be wondering if their partner is 'bad'.
This is the very word that you yourself used.

Of course marriage is a big step and it's normal to give it a lot of thought ~ and to get cold feet, etc, but it is not commonplace for people to say that they are going to marry an 'awesome' man, but they are a bit concerned that he might be 'bad' and 'abusive'.

If he is 'bad', then you will not be happy if you get married.

If he is a lovely person, but you are going to keep wondering if he is 'bad', then he may not be happy if you get married.

Yes, take the advice of Eliz ~ go away with family or friends for a while ~ put some space between you and give this some real thought ~ not over-analysis, just real objective consideration.

But first, follow Jo's advice and talk all this through properly.

You are quite corrct that marriage is a big step and almost everything that you say indicates that you are not ready to be planning for it just yet.

But those are just my thoughts. You have to make your own decisions, based on what you know, what you experience and what you feel. The advice of real loved-ones who know you both could be helpful, too.

Good luck! smile



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"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#302069 - 06/16/08 03:40 PM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: PDM]
Dagny Offline
Regular

Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 64
If he does turn out to be abusive that would not be good for me or any children we have. But yeah I understand why you say I would also have problems if he was not abusive but I lived with him seeing him as though he was.
I'm not sure why I seem to contradict myself, he is overall a great guy but I guess I just realized he has a few flaws and now I wonder if they are a serious problem or if they are minor and normal in relationships (just saying critical things, saying something you don't mean but wasn't very nice and so on) If that is normal behavior then if I could find a way to lessen him from doing that or better ways of dealing with that I'd probably be happier.
He has told me that he says things without thinking and he doesn't mean them. But its not like he's going to come out and tell me that he is an abusive boyfriend or anything. And he has said on many occasions after he has said something that he didn't mean that he is a bad boyfriend, a jerk and so on...so I think that is where I got that wording.
I'm not sure if he is a bad boyfriend and I tell him that he is not. It just seems that he keeps repeating the habit, however he is not abusive in other ways, like he does take responsibility for having said or done something so he does take the blame and never blames me for it
I do plan to talk to him as to how he thinks we could get him to stop saying hurtful things so often...like maybe a codeword or hand signal I could give him if he said something and so he knows I don't think that is appropriate?
He is actually going on vacation with his family soon, so communication will be nonexistent for a while...maybe that will give us time to relax, take a break and come back to the relationship with a clearer perspective?

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#302080 - 06/16/08 03:52 PM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: Dagny]
joandboys Offline
Soulmate

Registered: 08/26/07
Posts: 2101
Loc: New York
Dagny, I just read all of your's and PDM's posts and It is all the more clear to me what may be going on in your relationship. It is obvious that you were attracted to this man and that he has displayed some very good future husband qualities. It also seems possible that he did the majority of the communicating. I don't know when you got engaged but it seems possible that you thought it was a good idea at the time given what you knew about him and now have misgivings based on his overwhelming attention and displays of affection and his negative communication skills. I don't get the impression that you have any real experience in the emotional area to know if you are "IN LOVE" or simply love him. There is a subtle difference and may account for why you both seem to be on a different emotional level. I believe that although you may be a less demonstrative person that if you were really "IN LOVE" you would be a little closer to his level. Perhaps he is so overwhelming in his attentions because he senses this and tries to overcompensate. This much I will say; it is obvious that you both have not had the right kind of communication where you talk about the differences and resolve the communication problems quietly. I have already gone into that, and I feel even more sure it is needed. Additionally, and this is the most important thing I am getting from all of your comments, you got engaged before these recent developments in your relationship and you don't know how to slow it down without loosing him. Consequently, you are constantly stressing about whether it is ment to be and if you are going to hurt each other and are second guessing your decision to be engaged. Now, is the time to admit that things have changed and simply talk about it and remove the stress and step up to the decision. This is not going to be the most complicated decision of your life. It is only the beginning of many to come. The more you wait, the harder it will be. The more you wait, the more burned out on the fighting you will get. If you both are "in love" with each other, rethinking the engagement and just dating for now will not destroy the relationship. You are not the first couple to get the cart before the horse. Instead of thinking about how to change him and he you, you both should be rejoycing in the time you share together. That isn't happening here like it should be. Nothing is going to magically make it different or make it right except you both "communicating" honestly, no matter how much it hurts. It will only hurt more later. If it is meant to be nothing I am talking about will change it. You are right, by the way, there is nothing wrong with reading and questioning about an important decision like this. I believe that PDM and I are seeing the same thing. You are engaged to someone and you have an overwhelming amount of questions that remain unanswered and they are very basic questions. If you are planning the rest of your life with him, you should have had those questions answered and you are the only one that can take the initiative to find out. If being engaged is causing more stress on the relationship with him then you, again, are the only one who can take the ititiative to change that. There are no easy fixes here. Life if messy. It can get messier though, if you avoid the obvious and inevitable. Look within yourself and not without and I believe you will make the right decision for yourself and him.
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#302105 - 06/16/08 04:14 PM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: joandboys]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
I agree Jo.
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#302129 - 06/16/08 04:49 PM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: PDM]
Dagny Offline
Regular

Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 64
What you said clicked Jo.
I had wondered if it was too early to become engaged because we were so early on in the relationship. We had quite a few arguments and while we talk alot we only knew each other for a little while. Also I learned about the stages of love and wondered if we were just in the first stage and started talking about the future prematurely, after all in the later stages we could lose interest and go other ways.
I have been opening up to him about how I feel about this more often so that is good. And alot of things that I wondered have been cleared up. Basically I'm not really stressed over the whole engagement thing, I just figured if we were close enough we could last. I just planned to get to know him more, let him know me more and introduce him to my friends/family and so on. Also I know we have been working out the issues of communication as well because I do want my husband to be my best friend (and I know he feels the same). So yes, we've been trying to make the foundation of our relationship stronger (like communication) and other basics in place after agreeing to eventually get married.
And I do also agree that I am not enjoying our time together like I should I guess...perhaps me trying to over analyze and stress about every little possibility (communication, family, potential abuse) makes me feel like our relationship is more of a chore or homework than just spending time together and having fun while letting it come naturally?

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#307003 - 07/02/08 10:06 PM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: Dagny]
Dagny Offline
Regular

Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 64
well he broke up with me...or maybe I broke up with him-I'm not sure.
He must have been having the same doubts I was, and he wanted to slow things down. I was all for slowing things down (he was the one rushing things) but he wanted an open relationship and I didn't want that...
Did I make a big mistake? do open relationships ever work out?

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#307012 - 07/02/08 10:22 PM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: Dagny]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
Hi Dagny,

I'm sorry to hear that you have broken up ~ though, I must admit, from what you said, things didn't sound quite right.

Maybe, sometime in the future, when things are right, you will get back together ~ or maybe you will each find someone who clicks ~ and with whom falling in love comes naturally and is not a 'chore'!

What exactly does he mean by 'an open relationship'??? confused

Good luck! smile
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#307018 - 07/02/08 10:35 PM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: PDM]
Dagny Offline
Regular

Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 64
an open relationship is one that we'd both be dating but we would not be exclusive, meaning we could each date other people
he had gotten over a tough breakup before going out with me, and admitted he wanted to be single for a while and since being with me he doesn't have the full freedom of meeting other people/girls. so he wants to date other girls in addition to dating me...he had asked this before and I said no. I had talked to my mom about it and she didn't like it...
I just don't want to be hurt if I can avoid it...

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#307086 - 07/03/08 04:17 AM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: Dagny]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
That's what I thought.

I suppose it would be ok to go out with different people just as friends, but I can't see how actually dating a number of people at the same time could work ~ not without people getting hurt, anyway.

But that's just me.
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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