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#299823 - 06/09/08 11:10 PM Signs of a bad boyfriend?
Dagny Offline
Regular

Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 64
Lately he's been a bit more harsh before, he sometimes criticizes me, thinks a story I told him was boring, and so on. Also when he says things that hurt me I do get upset so he thinks I might be bipolar...he also doesn't like me being grumpy. I don't put him down or yell at him when grumpy or anything...but I just figured that if you really loved someone you accept them fully (all moods)?
I know that I don't it when he gets harsh either so I might be hypocritical there...
So what is his problem? He's explained that saying things he doesn't mean is a habit of his but it really upsets me at times...and I sometimes feel like I say sorry and the pattern of behavior is repeated!
Is this normal in a relationship or is he just a bad boyfriend? Thanks for any advice

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#299828 - 06/09/08 11:19 PM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: Dagny]
Kariva Offline
Tin Star Soulmate

Registered: 07/14/06
Posts: 3870
Loc: Sycamore,IL
ive been through that and it escalated to abuse verbal mental physical all of it so i would sit down with him and tell him how you feel if he changes awesome if he doesnt then it ight now work

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#299835 - 06/09/08 11:34 PM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: Kariva]
Dagny Offline
Regular

Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 64
thanks for replying
yeah I've already spoken to him about it and its just like a bad habit to him I guess...but I do think he's been trying to improve it and think ahead of how I will feel about what he says. He said that he has a hard time judging how I will react to what he says, sometimes he doesn't want to say something because of my feelings and I encourage him to and it's nothing to sweat about. Other times he doesn't think it will upset me and it does. We each overreact alot and I guess I've said stuff that he didn't like and I guess we guess perceive things differently?

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#299836 - 06/09/08 11:34 PM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: Kariva]
428pm Offline
Long Time Friend

Registered: 04/30/08
Posts: 959
I've been through an abusive relationship myself, and counsel ladies about them. I sent you a pm.
_________________________

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#299850 - 06/10/08 01:17 AM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: 428pm]
KoKo Offline
Friend

Registered: 09/03/07
Posts: 204
Honestly, he sounds verbally abusive. It is good for him to be honest, but he should also be positive. I am not one to give advice on men though.

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#299869 - 06/10/08 03:50 AM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: Dagny]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
Hi,

Just so that we can get a better idea of the background to this relationship, I'm posting some quotes from your other threads.

Hope that's ok. smile

Originally Posted By: Dagny
I am in a newish relationship, and its my first serious relationship. I've only known him for a few months, yet he wants to marry me...

is it too soon to consider this? Its not like we are getting married tomorrow, but if it happens it will probably be at least a few years, but...I'm worried the relationship is being rushed and I am investing emotions in a relationship that is going too fast.

A lot of our relationship is fast and sometimes we try to slow things down.

We are in our early 20's too (in college) so in reality we won't be marrying for a few years.

I'm not having doubts exactly, I love him and I love his personality. I know he treats everyone kindly and if we got married I don't worry that he would be a terrible husband.

I just started wondering if there was a normal time when you should consider engagement and if we are going too fast.

I think I'm in the stage of a more mature love, I worry where he is...if he is thinking realistically like me or still just infatuated

I worry if he loves the real me or the me that he thinks I am (and I might not be).

do I deserve an incredibly awesome husband or not?


I was wondering if there are any suggestions for better conversations? I'm rather...shy so I tend to be extremely passive

I sometimes get uncomfortable because when he wants to be affectionate and say things like he loves me or I'm the greatest I don't know how to respond

I don't know what to say at times

I'm in a very confusing relationship and I thought that books and learning will help but I'm not sure it will

I am in love with him and I do feel it, I guess I just have trouble expressing it.

My parents are not open with their feelings, they never hug me or tell me how they feel, or each other for that matter. But he comes from a totally different background with a close family who constantly remind each other and express how they feel

my parents look at this and think he's too mushy

the constant expressing of love and affection was the newest thing for me and I still haven't figured out how to respond

We do have some good conversations involving our interests, but sometimes theres just some what seems quiet time.

I do tell him I love him and he knows it...its just that he is...more "mushy" than me somedays and wants to express his affection and I usually don't know how to respond...

He's like always calling me, probably talking to me for more than 6 hours a day somedays.

I feel I need some space, to do things I enjoy and also doing things like eating lunch and dinner

how can I tell him nicely that I need some space but don't totally stop talking to me?

Also its somewhat...exhausting talking to someone all day long. I think this is part of my problem of running out of things to talk about

Is marriage like this? I mean I realize if I married this guy it would not be a phone call but an all day phone call (living together)

I just feel like we're together too often and then I worry because I think that means our relationship or marriage might turn out bad if I feel like I need space.

I really have to think up things to talk about and sometimes get a little bored...

I love spending time with him, like going to lunch together and talking over lunch or a meal or wherever, but thats not always possible and if he calls before I can make myself lunch I tend to not eat until dinner. Then sometimes I get phone calls during dinner...lol

Is it a bad thing that he's in the early love stage? Will it wear off or something...

also it might just be him...like he's talkative just like I am more passive

I don't think I know him that well enough to say

they haven't plain come out and told me they don't like me or shown any disrespect but I get the feeling that [Partner's Parents] really don't think I'm the person they'd pick to date their son.

I always figured I was a great person, I don't do anything illegal and I am very nice, friendly and respectful
Thanks


http://www.wineintro.com/forum/ubbthread...4218#Post274218

http://www.wineintro.com/forum/ubbthread...0389#Post290389

http://www.wineintro.com/forum/ubbthread...2862#Post292862


Edited by PDM (06/10/08 03:54 AM)
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#300112 - 06/10/08 08:22 PM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: PDM]
KoKo Offline
Friend

Registered: 09/03/07
Posts: 204
You are a great person and you should keep thinking that you are. If you have doubts, maybe you might want to date other men. You might want to talk to him about it first of course.
It sounds like you have doubts. However, if you think you could love him than stay only with him.


I was 27 when I got married and now I am 30. Marriage is hard and takes work. Marriage is good, but it takes work. I am glad that I waited at an older age because before I would not have been ready, but that is me. Being mushy is not bad. It is good to be lovable and especially in a marriage.

What you need to do is have an open conversation with this man about your feelings. Are you ready for this type of commitment while you are still in college? Ask yourself these questions you are asking us.



Edited by KoKo (06/10/08 08:22 PM)

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#300245 - 06/11/08 05:55 AM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: KoKo]
Dagny Offline
Regular

Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 64
Koko-I do think I am ready for marriage and I do love him. It's just that he is my first boyfriend and I didn't know if going that fast into future commitments was normal or typical. We both plan to finish college and wait a few years before marrying though.
I have told him I think we are taking it too fast, but sometimes I know my reactions to his future plans upset him/make him sad.
I'm kinda the brakes of our relationship...lol

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#300475 - 06/11/08 05:23 PM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: Dagny]
KoKo Offline
Friend

Registered: 09/03/07
Posts: 204
If you are ready for marriage and you love him there are no rules to love. You are right about going to fast, however you have to go with what you feel.
Even though I was 27, I have a secret. I only knew my husband 2 months b4 we got married. After I married him I learned new things about him that I did not know b4.
Like finding out he did not like dogs being inside made us have arguements. However, we both love eachother enough so we compromised.
My point is, there are no rules to love.
If you want to take a break, than you should. Go with your feelings.

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#300527 - 06/11/08 08:09 PM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: KoKo]
Dagny Offline
Regular

Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 64
Thanks Koko, I never knew there was no rules to love (this is my first relationship) but I at first worried that it was a little too fast to make long term plans/commitments.
my feelings and heart say he is a great guy, with a caring heart that says alot of things he doesn't mean in the heat of an argument, or is flippant alot and it gets him into trouble and hurts my feelings. But now I worry that he is abusive verbally...
I don't know, I really like your idea thought about no rules. When I do start to over analyze these things and worry about them they seem to...affect the relationship badly.
Like me feeling that it is too soon/fast to be talking about long term, or joking with baby names I become distant during that, act like I just don't care anymore or upset him. He believes in soulmates, faerie tales and dreams come true and here I am trying to introduce him the the reality that it might not work out! So sometimes I feel like I probably hurt him emotionally too:(

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#300625 - 06/12/08 12:07 AM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: Dagny]
KoKo Offline
Friend

Registered: 09/03/07
Posts: 204
that is ok to over analyze and to worry. That means you are being cautious and playing it safe. However, do not let playing safe keep you from love. I had to go through broken hearts b4 I found my husband. So if he turns out to be the right one great, if he does not, you will find the right one if you really want to in time.

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#300634 - 06/12/08 02:56 AM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: Dagny]
joandboys Offline
Soulmate

Registered: 08/26/07
Posts: 2101
Loc: New York
The whole point of dateing is to get to know all kinds of people and personalities and experience different relationships. If this is your first boyfriend then it doesn't matter what he is doing wrong or right. It is about what you are doing. You would be making a life altering decision based on partial information. You don't really know what kind of personality is compatible with yours. Every relationship requires sacrifice and committment and work. A relationship should not require sacrificing your individuality and should not feel like you are committing too much of your time to it. Additionally if you have to work on a relationship it should not feel like a chore. My honest opinion is that I hear you saying almost 85% negative things about this relationship. I hear you saying you feel it is too one sided emotionally. I hear you expressing self doubt brought on by his criticism. I hear you comparing your ability to show affection to his and assuming you are somehow lacking. I hear you recognizing the major diffenences in several aspects of your personalities. I believe your friend thinks he is in love with you but perhaps he is more in love with the idea of being in love. You sound very level headed and sensible. There is nothing wrong with letting your brain guide your heart. Everything I hear you say tells me that your friend is letting his heart guide his brain. It sounds like you are emotionally more mature than he is and this gap may only widen as you both grow older and your emotional interests change. They say that women are about five to seven years older emotionally than a man her same age. By the age of twenty one, a women's desires in a potential mate change. You will not be attracted on a physical or emotional level to the same person at 18 as you will be at 21 or as you will be at 27 or 35. If you pick someone who does not have the experience to know how to treat a women as she desires, you may come to regret it. After all, you are still learning what those desires are. If you ever have the pleasure of meeting a man who has mastered this, you will forever regret making a hasty decision. There is a big difference between a man and a boy and it is not always years. I believe you know in your heart what to do, listen to your instincts they sound very good to me.
_________________________

Cookie and Sweetie

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#300646 - 06/12/08 04:50 AM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: joandboys]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
Yes, Jo, I have found it difficult to respond to this one.

I feel, Dagny, that you may be over-analyzing, instead of just enjoying your relationship, but, as Jo implies, the reason that you are over-analyzing might be because something isn't quite right.

I met my husband when I was 18. Our first date was in January 1975. We are still happily together. I tend to over-analyze a lot, myself, but I just knew that we were right for each other. My friend got married just after us and she said that as soon as she met her husband she felt that she had known him forever. That's how I felt, too.

The thing is, without knowing you & him & the relationship, it's difficult to say, but I do wonder if he might be a bit possessive, if he wants your attention all the time. Long-term this could change as he becomes less besotted and more realistic, but, alternatively, it could become a real problem.

Everyone has good and bad days. Everyone can be harsh if they are going through a rough time.

You say:

Quote:
he's been a bit more harsh
he sometimes criticizes me ... boring, and so on
he says things that hurt me
he thinks I might be bipolar
he also doesn't like me being grumpy

So what is his problem?
He's explained that saying things he doesn't mean is a habit of his
it really upsets me at times
I sometimes feel like I say sorry and the pattern of behavior is repeated!


Since you are analyzing anyway, think about these questions:

Is he 'harsh' or is he 'mushy'?

Is he just being a normal person who has good days & bad days, or is this going beyond what you consider acceptable?

Why are you apologising when he is being harsh?
Or is it a two-way thing?

Does he expect you to respond to him as he wants you to, and only as he wants you to ~ or do you expect him to respond to you as you want him to, and only as you want him to?

How might he describe you & the relationship.

Quote:
Is this normal in a relationship or is he just a bad boyfriend?

If you need to ask this sort of question, I'm not sure that you are ready for embarking on a life-long settled relationship like marriage.

In my opinion, if you even think that he might be 'bad', you shouldn't be making commitments to him. He may be fantastic or he may not, but you don't sound ready for this. However, that is just my opinion, and it may just be a case of nerves on your behalf. If you could calm down, stop reading about love. and just get on with living your own life & loving your own man, then all may be well.

Quote:
I know that I don't it when he gets harsh either so I might be hypocritical there...

Please could you explain this?

You say:
Quote:
I'm in a very confusing relationship

Loving relationships should not be confusing.
May I suggest relationship counselling.

Something isn't quite right here, Dagny. I'm not sure if it concerns him or you, but I think that you need help ~ otherwise you wouldn't be seeking help on this forum and in books.

In my opinion, looking for answers in books isn't the best way in this situation. I'm not against books. I'm not saying that you shouldn't read up on this, but I do think that you need more 'real' input.

Good luck! smile
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#300673 - 06/12/08 09:53 AM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: PDM]
Dagny Offline
Regular

Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 64
I know what you are saying Jo, in my honest opinion I do think I might be more mature than he is. For example he is more of a goof off and I am more serious most of the time. But I know he has a very deep emotional side under the goof off side. Also part of what attracted me to him was his humor so...
And sometimes I think part of the time we argue when he does say harsh things it might be just him being childish (is that possible?) like he is upset and doesn't know how to handle those feelings..Possessive...lol I spent the day with him and then he called me that night and nearly talked to me all night. At least I know alot more about him in a short span than if we didn't talk all the time:P lol but yeah...I'm not sure why he insists on talking to me all of the time. I jump to a negative conclusion, he's controlling me or something (which I don't think he does but...) then I told my mom about that and she did think his calling was excessive but she pointed out that she thinks that talking to me makes him happy
he is mushy alot but at times he is harsh...like in pointing out criticism and stuff. In one case I told him a story and he said that would not be a good story for a first date, he doesn't like that I smell like cigarette smoke when I see him and things like that. I sort of take things personally so it upsets me, we both do apologize and by the end he says he will take the blame and it's his fault. I also don't want to hinder him not telling me about problems but these sometimes upset me (do you think I take it too personally or should just use it to improve?).
I don't know how he expects me to respond to him but sometimes I wish he did things that he doesn't do, but he does a bunch of things for me already so I don't mind at all.
How would we describe the relationship...
he once told me it was his best relationship ever and that he lost interest in his previous ones but in this one he has had so much fun...its been the best time of his life. I have to admit I've had fun too, and while we have had so many problems and issues they have only seemed to make us stronger and bring us closer.
I don't know why I have doubts, cold feet or whatever you will...it might just be me. When we first got together I couldn't believe it. I started to think it was a joke, dream or something like he had a mental disease that made him hit on me (lol sometimes I think I'm paranoid and not Bipolar, as he had suggested) but once I realized it was true then I relaxed a little but now I guess I'm looking for proof that its not true or he's not a good boyfriend and so on.
Maybe I will try to stop over analyzing things, it seems that its possible that it's a bad relationship but it might also be me looking for problems where there aren't any?

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#300834 - 06/12/08 05:17 PM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: Dagny]
KoKo Offline
Friend

Registered: 09/03/07
Posts: 204
I agree with Jo and Blue Soul, that is really great advice.

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#300837 - 06/12/08 05:22 PM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: KoKo]
KoKo Offline
Friend

Registered: 09/03/07
Posts: 204
Like I said before, it is good for him to be honest. Being honest is the best thing he can do, like telling you he does not like it that you smell like smoke. I have told that to my husband since the day I met him because I have asthma and the smoke really bothers my health.
However, there are small habits that my husband does that I just bite my tongue. If I told him every habit that bothered me, I feel I would sound critical and negative. I just tell him only about the really important things.
So once again, it is ok for him to be honest, but not to be critical. He has to accept you for you.


Edited by KoKo (06/12/08 05:24 PM)

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#300858 - 06/12/08 05:56 PM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: Dagny]
joandboys Offline
Soulmate

Registered: 08/26/07
Posts: 2101
Loc: New York
It seems as if everything you are thinking about and expressing is aimed at determining if either or both of you are appropriate for this relationship or committment. I believe it should be looked at the other way around. You both bring things to the table when it comes to discovering if you enjoy each other's company and are compatible. If being together brings happiness and joy then that joy usually compells a couple to take it to the next step. They go to that next step knowing that the first step worked so well. You seem,however, like you have taken it to the next step before you are sure that you are both experiencing compatibility. That is not to say that it should come without a few complications. Life is not always a bowl of cherries. Any relationship has it's ups and downs. It sounds like he expects things to go perfectly and has a preconcieved notion of how love should be. From some of your questions, it sounds like you are not sure what to expect or you wouldn't be asking. His expectations of perfection will change by knowing more people and your questions will be answered in the same manner. How else do we find out if not by comparison. In any case, dateing until you both come to the point where you are ready for the second step seems like the way to go. He has expressed the happiness he feels but has he enquired about yours? It seems like you are overly concerned and analyzing your compatibility for the simple reason that you have the pressure of premature expectations from him and yourself being put on the relationship. Perhaps it might be revealing to ask yourself the question: "If those expectations were not there, would I be able to relax and just enjoy the relationship and not keep questioning it?" The progression of a relationship should be a mutual agreement. It is hard to express that to someone when they seem head over heals and are already nameing your children. If you are self analyzing and trying to fit into the picture he is creating of your future together, then you may be doing this the rest of your life. It is also your life, and you should feel ready for it and be a part of how it unfolds. One thing that you have worried about is the possesiveness. It is a fine line between overwhelming love for a person and unatural controlling posessiveness. If you choose to slow down the relationship and date for a while, you will certainly come to know which one is the case here.
_________________________

Cookie and Sweetie

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#300883 - 06/12/08 06:28 PM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: joandboys]
dachicken17 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/08
Posts: 44
that was very long.

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#300912 - 06/12/08 07:00 PM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: dachicken17]
Dagny Offline
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Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 64
Jo, he does ask me if I'm happy and if I enjoy the relationship. He even wanted to know if I'm excited and happy that we plan to get married. I'm so happy that we are together and that we are getting married. I just really don't think we should be...planning for a future together so soon.
Things can change at any time...people change (like someone mentioned), we could end up breaking up, our families might not like the idea and so on. Therefore I think that counting the chickens before they are hatched so to speak is a little dangerous. Its not like we are actually planning a wedding (it's just our eventual plan) but I just worry that one of us will get hurt if it doesn't work out. That might seem to be ridiculous but I think we should just take it slow for now.
I think that I would still be able to enjoy the relationship even with the expectations of marriage tho, its just that there are questions I have about our relationship so I do ask...and I don't want to date other people. I've heard that breaks like that tend to not work anyhow...

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#300920 - 06/12/08 07:12 PM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: Dagny]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
Originally Posted By: Dagny
... I just really don't think we should be...planning for a future together so soon ....

well, the simple answer is ~ don't.
Enjoy being young & in love and let the future take care of itself. smile
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#301080 - 06/13/08 01:33 AM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: PDM]
KoKo Offline
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Registered: 09/03/07
Posts: 204
dachicken it may have been long, but joandboys is giving good advice to help dagny

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#301919 - 06/16/08 12:23 AM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: KoKo]
Dagny Offline
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Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 64
We had another stupid fight and now I'm not sure if we are even together anymore...
Could it just be that he doesn't think before he says something? Like he says every stupid thing that comes into his mind...like leaping before you've looked?


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#301945 - 06/16/08 09:00 AM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: Dagny]
joandboys Offline
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Registered: 08/26/07
Posts: 2101
Loc: New York
Time will tell. Lots of time. Perhaps he is taking the relationship for granted. You could try a little experiment. Try sitting down with him and telling him that you want to discuss your relationship. Explain how you feel and tell him that the way you both are communicating is hurting you and your feeling about the relationship. Tell him how you expect to be talked to. Tell him how you want to talk to him. Don't accuse but explain that you want the relationship to work and you see this as the only way it will. Then sit back and listen. If he is defensive and argumentative and is all about him and his feelings and does not want to meet you halfway then you have your answer. Don't let it escalate into a fight. Tell him to take his time and think about it before he comments if he wants to, because it is very important to you. State your feelings simply and then listen very very carefully to what he says. I am not trying to tell you what to do. I am not going to even suggest what you do if he is unwilling to come half way. I will simply remind you that marriage is a partnership of give and take and co-operation. Without it you have a dictatorship. That is a relationship where you are powerless.
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#301951 - 06/16/08 09:42 AM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: joandboys]
Eliz Offline
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Registered: 06/10/08
Posts: 79
Loc: Texas
Dagny
If he is like this as a boyfriend, things will be worse if you two get married. Believe me, I lived it. My exhusband was the same way before we got married. After a year or so of being married, he became horrid. He alienated me from my friends and family. I wasn't allowed to even call my mother. Notice the word ALLOWED! By the time we divorced, I had to ask for gas money and hide money for clothes for the kids.

Please get out while you can. Your life isn't worth living that away!
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#301965 - 06/16/08 10:52 AM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: Eliz]
Dagny Offline
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Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 64
Jo- thats a good idea, I guess I really don't know how to communicate to him how I feel. I also think he does get defensive when we argue (I do as well) and perhaps taking a non accusing approach might make both of us feel more comfortable?
He does know how I sometimes feel about what he says. I even told my mom about our argument and asked her if she thought he loved me, she says he does. But she thinks he just says things without thinking, and he probably doesn't mean them or even think about their impact before he says them. I know several other examples of things he has said or mentioned to others when he probably should not have said that...so I know its probably not just meanness towards me
Eliz- I really don't think my bf would ever alienate me from my family, he is a big family guy and really loves my mother. I know his dream marriage would be one in which he and his wife's family could be close and do things together ect. Plus I am in college and when I get a job I will have money for things I also want/need. Plus I know he isn't stingy with money like that...if anyone is stingy and likely to deal without money like that it's me...o.O yeah I'm probably not the perfect gf either...

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#302006 - 06/16/08 01:32 PM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: Dagny]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
Hi Dagny

I have to say that you have got me really confused.

First, though, I agree with Jo about having an objective discussion.

Second, I recommend Grey's Venus & Mars books again. I'm not getting commission, honestly! You can probably find them, or books like them, in a library ~ or have a look at the website. They can help you to understand the differences between male & female brains. This can save a lot of misunderstanding ~which can cause arguments.

Third, I cannot tell whether you have a lovely, affectionate boyfriend, who, like everyone else, has his faults, or whether you have a possessive husband in the making, who may turn out to be very demanding of your love, your time, your attention, etc.

I'm guessing, judging from your comments, that you don't know for sure, either.
Many contradict each other.

On top of that, even if he is your perfect match and a wonderful chap ~ what about you?

I am concerned that you are trying to find out about falling in love from a book. That you are asking for conversation ideas on a forum.

I know that this is your first relationship ~ and I agree that books and advice forums are here to help, but I really feel that you should be making more important decisions and judgements for yourself. Also that things should be more intuitive.

I realise that, regarding displays of affection, you and he have been brought up differently, but, in my opinion, if he is the love of your life, you should be able to talk to him all day and all night and never get bored or lack things to say.

Equally, though, he should understand that you have your studies and your friends and not demand your attention all the time ~ even when you should be sleeping.

I feel that love should come so naturally that responses are instinctive, not the result of book-learning. (Not that I didn't read books on the science of love when I was courting, because I did.)

I just feel that something doesn't seem quite right here.
I'm not sure what it is.

Just re-read some of your comments and have a good think about them:

Originally Posted By: Dagny
I'm anot having doubts exactly, I love him and I love his personality.

I know he treats everyone kindly

do I deserve an incredibly awesome husband or not?

I sometimes get uncomfortable because when he wants to be affectionate .. I don't know how to respond

I am in love with him and I do feel it, I guess I just have trouble expressing it.

my parents .. think he's too mushy

He's like always calling me, probably talking to me for more than 6 hours a day

I feel I need some space

I just feel like we're together too often


I don't know what to say at times

I'm in a very confusing relationship and I thought that books and learning will help but I'm not sure it will

the constant expressing of love and affection was the newest thing for me and I still haven't figured out how to respond

I do tell him I love him and he knows it...its just that he is...more "mushy" than me ..

I ... sometimes get a little bored

I love spending time with him

I don't think I know him that well

I do think I am ready for marriage and I do love him

I never knew there was no rules to love

my feelings and heart say he is a great guy, with a caring heart

now I worry that he is abusive verbally

When I do start to over analyze these things and worry about them they seem to...affect the relationship badly.

sometimes I feel like I probably hurt him emotionally too

I do think I might be more mature than he is

he has a very deep emotional side

sometimes I think part of the time we argue when he does say harsh things it might be just him being childish

Possessive...lol I spent the day with him and then he called me that night and nearly talked to me all night

At least I know a lot more about him in a short span than if we didn't talk all the time

I jump to a negative conclusion, he's controlling me or something (which I don't think he does but...)

he is mushy a lot but at times he is harsh


Well Dagny, what is he?

~ A possessive & potentially (verbally) abusive man with whom you cannot communicate ~ partly because you don't know him to well?

~ A fun-loving, affectionately mushy, awesome young man whom you love, know well and intend to marry?


And, if and when you feel that he is being harsh, does he seem to be having an out-of-the-blue personality change, or does he respond to something that you have said or done?



Edited by PDM (06/16/08 01:33 PM)
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#302019 - 06/16/08 01:51 PM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: PDM]
Dagny Offline
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Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 64
I'm sorry if I confused you PDM. I really don't read alot of books on relationships/love just one because I realized that it probably wouldn't help. I just research things when I have a question/problem that I'd like other opinions or ideas about. like wanting to know if considering a marriage with him was way too early, or how to communicate with him better and such. I figured relationships and love are more than intuitive though, but are also rational as well.
I'm not sure if he is possessive or abusive but he is sometimes harsh and tough on me or says things he doesn't mean or think about...and I sometimes find it hard to communicate with him because I don't tend to talk alot. I know him very well though because he is the opposite of me and talks all the time. But on the other hand he is very caring towards me and others. I just think that he's both very loving but sometimes...tough as well if that is possible? I'm sorry I don't know hot to explain it better...
but I guess the constant calling and stuff could either be because he really enjoys my company and wants to be with me all day or because he is possessive and the calls are more of a checking up on me kind of thing (I have a relative with a bf who calls her all of the time to make sure she is not cheating or stuff)

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#302021 - 06/16/08 02:02 PM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: PDM]
Eliz Offline
Regular

Registered: 06/10/08
Posts: 79
Loc: Texas
PDM
I totally 100% agree with you!!

Dagny if you have even the slightest doubts, back away. Don't persue this relationship. If you feel you can't do that, then take a break. Go on vacation without him.
_________________________
Every day may not be good, but there's some good in every day.

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#302039 - 06/16/08 02:47 PM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: Eliz]
Dagny Offline
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Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 64
Eliz, its not so much doubt though than just wondering if agreeing to be engaged with him was a good idea. For example if your investing your money or life into a decision you want to make sure it's a good idea. You might want to make that decision and it makes you happy now but you just want to ask a friend, counselor or whatever who is more knowledgeable on your decision if it is a good call or not...
I just sometimes wish he'd stop saying things that upset me, its emotionally draining. Other than that I know he's a good guy who cares about me, if I could just get him to start thinking before he blurts out stuff...

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#302043 - 06/16/08 03:04 PM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: Eliz]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
Hi Eliz and welcome to the forum! smile
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#302044 - 06/16/08 03:05 PM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: PDM]
Eliz Offline
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Registered: 06/10/08
Posts: 79
Loc: Texas
TY!!
_________________________
Every day may not be good, but there's some good in every day.

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#302048 - 06/16/08 03:18 PM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: Dagny]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
Dagny, I'm sorry but I don't think that I made myself clear ~ possibly because I do, indeed, feel a bit confused.

It does not matter that I feel confused; it matters that you do.

Look again at those comments of yours that I quoted.

They are confusing and / or contradictory.
They are your own comments ~ so you must be confused as to what this boy is like and how you should behave.

This is not a good place to be when you are planning marriage.

What if he does turn out to be abusive?
Would that be good for you and any children that you may have?

What if he's not; but you go on thinking that he might be 'a bad husband', as opposed to 'a bad boyfriend'?
Would that be a pleasant marriage for him?

It is not usual for young people in love to be wondering if their partner is 'bad'.
This is the very word that you yourself used.

Of course marriage is a big step and it's normal to give it a lot of thought ~ and to get cold feet, etc, but it is not commonplace for people to say that they are going to marry an 'awesome' man, but they are a bit concerned that he might be 'bad' and 'abusive'.

If he is 'bad', then you will not be happy if you get married.

If he is a lovely person, but you are going to keep wondering if he is 'bad', then he may not be happy if you get married.

Yes, take the advice of Eliz ~ go away with family or friends for a while ~ put some space between you and give this some real thought ~ not over-analysis, just real objective consideration.

But first, follow Jo's advice and talk all this through properly.

You are quite corrct that marriage is a big step and almost everything that you say indicates that you are not ready to be planning for it just yet.

But those are just my thoughts. You have to make your own decisions, based on what you know, what you experience and what you feel. The advice of real loved-ones who know you both could be helpful, too.

Good luck! smile



_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#302069 - 06/16/08 03:40 PM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: PDM]
Dagny Offline
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Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 64
If he does turn out to be abusive that would not be good for me or any children we have. But yeah I understand why you say I would also have problems if he was not abusive but I lived with him seeing him as though he was.
I'm not sure why I seem to contradict myself, he is overall a great guy but I guess I just realized he has a few flaws and now I wonder if they are a serious problem or if they are minor and normal in relationships (just saying critical things, saying something you don't mean but wasn't very nice and so on) If that is normal behavior then if I could find a way to lessen him from doing that or better ways of dealing with that I'd probably be happier.
He has told me that he says things without thinking and he doesn't mean them. But its not like he's going to come out and tell me that he is an abusive boyfriend or anything. And he has said on many occasions after he has said something that he didn't mean that he is a bad boyfriend, a jerk and so on...so I think that is where I got that wording.
I'm not sure if he is a bad boyfriend and I tell him that he is not. It just seems that he keeps repeating the habit, however he is not abusive in other ways, like he does take responsibility for having said or done something so he does take the blame and never blames me for it
I do plan to talk to him as to how he thinks we could get him to stop saying hurtful things so often...like maybe a codeword or hand signal I could give him if he said something and so he knows I don't think that is appropriate?
He is actually going on vacation with his family soon, so communication will be nonexistent for a while...maybe that will give us time to relax, take a break and come back to the relationship with a clearer perspective?

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#302080 - 06/16/08 03:52 PM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: Dagny]
joandboys Offline
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Registered: 08/26/07
Posts: 2101
Loc: New York
Dagny, I just read all of your's and PDM's posts and It is all the more clear to me what may be going on in your relationship. It is obvious that you were attracted to this man and that he has displayed some very good future husband qualities. It also seems possible that he did the majority of the communicating. I don't know when you got engaged but it seems possible that you thought it was a good idea at the time given what you knew about him and now have misgivings based on his overwhelming attention and displays of affection and his negative communication skills. I don't get the impression that you have any real experience in the emotional area to know if you are "IN LOVE" or simply love him. There is a subtle difference and may account for why you both seem to be on a different emotional level. I believe that although you may be a less demonstrative person that if you were really "IN LOVE" you would be a little closer to his level. Perhaps he is so overwhelming in his attentions because he senses this and tries to overcompensate. This much I will say; it is obvious that you both have not had the right kind of communication where you talk about the differences and resolve the communication problems quietly. I have already gone into that, and I feel even more sure it is needed. Additionally, and this is the most important thing I am getting from all of your comments, you got engaged before these recent developments in your relationship and you don't know how to slow it down without loosing him. Consequently, you are constantly stressing about whether it is ment to be and if you are going to hurt each other and are second guessing your decision to be engaged. Now, is the time to admit that things have changed and simply talk about it and remove the stress and step up to the decision. This is not going to be the most complicated decision of your life. It is only the beginning of many to come. The more you wait, the harder it will be. The more you wait, the more burned out on the fighting you will get. If you both are "in love" with each other, rethinking the engagement and just dating for now will not destroy the relationship. You are not the first couple to get the cart before the horse. Instead of thinking about how to change him and he you, you both should be rejoycing in the time you share together. That isn't happening here like it should be. Nothing is going to magically make it different or make it right except you both "communicating" honestly, no matter how much it hurts. It will only hurt more later. If it is meant to be nothing I am talking about will change it. You are right, by the way, there is nothing wrong with reading and questioning about an important decision like this. I believe that PDM and I are seeing the same thing. You are engaged to someone and you have an overwhelming amount of questions that remain unanswered and they are very basic questions. If you are planning the rest of your life with him, you should have had those questions answered and you are the only one that can take the initiative to find out. If being engaged is causing more stress on the relationship with him then you, again, are the only one who can take the ititiative to change that. There are no easy fixes here. Life if messy. It can get messier though, if you avoid the obvious and inevitable. Look within yourself and not without and I believe you will make the right decision for yourself and him.
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#302105 - 06/16/08 04:14 PM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: joandboys]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
I agree Jo.
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#302129 - 06/16/08 04:49 PM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: PDM]
Dagny Offline
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Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 64
What you said clicked Jo.
I had wondered if it was too early to become engaged because we were so early on in the relationship. We had quite a few arguments and while we talk alot we only knew each other for a little while. Also I learned about the stages of love and wondered if we were just in the first stage and started talking about the future prematurely, after all in the later stages we could lose interest and go other ways.
I have been opening up to him about how I feel about this more often so that is good. And alot of things that I wondered have been cleared up. Basically I'm not really stressed over the whole engagement thing, I just figured if we were close enough we could last. I just planned to get to know him more, let him know me more and introduce him to my friends/family and so on. Also I know we have been working out the issues of communication as well because I do want my husband to be my best friend (and I know he feels the same). So yes, we've been trying to make the foundation of our relationship stronger (like communication) and other basics in place after agreeing to eventually get married.
And I do also agree that I am not enjoying our time together like I should I guess...perhaps me trying to over analyze and stress about every little possibility (communication, family, potential abuse) makes me feel like our relationship is more of a chore or homework than just spending time together and having fun while letting it come naturally?

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#307003 - 07/02/08 10:06 PM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: Dagny]
Dagny Offline
Regular

Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 64
well he broke up with me...or maybe I broke up with him-I'm not sure.
He must have been having the same doubts I was, and he wanted to slow things down. I was all for slowing things down (he was the one rushing things) but he wanted an open relationship and I didn't want that...
Did I make a big mistake? do open relationships ever work out?

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#307012 - 07/02/08 10:22 PM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: Dagny]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
Hi Dagny,

I'm sorry to hear that you have broken up ~ though, I must admit, from what you said, things didn't sound quite right.

Maybe, sometime in the future, when things are right, you will get back together ~ or maybe you will each find someone who clicks ~ and with whom falling in love comes naturally and is not a 'chore'!

What exactly does he mean by 'an open relationship'??? confused

Good luck! smile
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#307018 - 07/02/08 10:35 PM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: PDM]
Dagny Offline
Regular

Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 64
an open relationship is one that we'd both be dating but we would not be exclusive, meaning we could each date other people
he had gotten over a tough breakup before going out with me, and admitted he wanted to be single for a while and since being with me he doesn't have the full freedom of meeting other people/girls. so he wants to date other girls in addition to dating me...he had asked this before and I said no. I had talked to my mom about it and she didn't like it...
I just don't want to be hurt if I can avoid it...

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#307086 - 07/03/08 04:17 AM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: Dagny]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
That's what I thought.

I suppose it would be ok to go out with different people just as friends, but I can't see how actually dating a number of people at the same time could work ~ not without people getting hurt, anyway.

But that's just me.
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#307091 - 07/03/08 08:11 AM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: PDM]
Dagny Offline
Regular

Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 64
thats exactly what I figured, if I stayed with him I'd eventually get hurt...
it wasn't a chore to love him, it was just that being with him was sometimes a chore. for example, once we weree out at lunch and he'd see someone he knew and talk to them, but he didn't introduce me...it was like I was just his taxi and not his girlfriend?
and sometimes he'd call while I was watching tv or stuff, he did that last night. and because I am somewhat quiet due to watching tv and talking to him...he told me I was acting grumpy and shy. then I told him I was watching tv, and what and he said don't watch that, its stupid...

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#307093 - 07/03/08 08:38 AM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: Dagny]
Dagny Offline
Regular

Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 64
ok so now he changed his mind and wants to try it my way. he doesn't want to lose me.
I feel selfish that I won't try it his way, but its just a way to protect myself from heartache...but I wish he would have stayed single and met other people like he wanted
I can't stay single for more than 12 hours...why do you think he does this? I let him go...he's supposed to go forth, date and be happy!

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#307154 - 07/03/08 12:57 PM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: Dagny]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
I don't know the answers, I'm afraid.
Perhaps you just need time apart to reconsider everything?
What are you going to do?
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#307161 - 07/03/08 01:18 PM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: PDM]
Dagny Offline
Regular

Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 64
we were semi apart when he was on vacation, like no communication. I'm going back with him I guess, see if we can make it work again. he asked if I cried all night, I didn't this time. for some reason I figured he was going to do this again and had already prepared myself for the worse, so I guess I was just numb to emotions last night...

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#307162 - 07/03/08 01:30 PM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: Dagny]
428pm Offline
Long Time Friend

Registered: 04/30/08
Posts: 959
Dagny, I told you this once before, this pattern is common in abusive relationships.

An abusive relationship does not necessarily involve physical abuse, but often escalates to that after a period of years.

I suppose you have to ask yourself honestly, "is this worth it?"

_________________________

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#307168 - 07/03/08 01:52 PM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: 428pm]
Four Keets Offline
Best Friend

Registered: 04/25/07
Posts: 1637
Loc: Orange County, CA
I could never do an open relationship and NO NO NO you are not selfish for not allowing that. Stand up for yourself and make youself strong. I don't like what he says about you watching TV either.

It truly is up to you whether or not you want to give it another try, but I've read this post from the beginning and it wouldn't be a relationship I would want to be in. Of course, this is your life, you only live it once, and you make the decisions in it. Think long and think hard.
_________________________
Never forget:
Leaf - 11/5/07
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#307178 - 07/03/08 02:33 PM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: Four Keets]
Dagny Offline
Regular

Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 64
I know he is worth, I'd really miss him if I lost him and I know he'd miss me. he just seems to have days where he says things without thinking or meaning them, or at least thats what my mom thinks...
I suppose I will just get to know him more and maybe I'll figure out the reason why he is usually a great guy, but some days he says the wrong things...

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#307200 - 07/03/08 03:18 PM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: Dagny]
428pm Offline
Long Time Friend

Registered: 04/30/08
Posts: 959
It's not a matter if HE is worth it. HIS happiness is his own responsibility, not yours.

What about YOUR happiness. Thinking ONLY of yourself, ask yourself, are all the hoops and tricks you need to perform in order to be happy worth it?

Of course he may miss you, but that too, is not your responsibility. You need to care for yourself.

BTW. Men who are abusive, or not very nice, rarely MEAN to be hurtful. It is just a part of who they are.

It's your decision to make.
_________________________

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#307238 - 07/03/08 05:01 PM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: 428pm]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
I have to say that I still can't quite comprehend what it going on in this relationship.

I feel that it's the sort of thing, where I would actually need to know the individuals involved, before I could fully understand the situation.
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#307353 - 07/03/08 08:26 PM Re: Signs of a bad boyfriend? [Re: PDM]
Dagny Offline
Regular

Registered: 03/27/08
Posts: 64
He does make me happy, 428pm. I don't really jump through hoops or perform tricks for him, it just seems like he likes talking to me more than I like talking...I'd still say the happy times outweigh the bad ones. And alot of the bad ones could be ruled out by mis communicating or overreacting on both of our parts.
I don't think that without knowing us both that you could give any advice PDM, but thanks anyways.

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