RomanceClass Forum Logo

all ads on this forum support charities
Forum Areas
Non-Romance Relationships
Does He/She Like Me?
Dating
Long Term Partners
Breaking Up
Health and Exercise
Organizing and Cleaning
Stress Reduction

This Ad Supports Charity
Support Our Friends
The Child Health Site
Topic Options
#315061 - 07/29/08 05:47 PM Marital problems
Lady78 Offline
Good Friend

Registered: 07/24/08
Posts: 306
Loc: TX
I am embarassed about this, but I am not sure what to do anymore.

My husband is 29 and I am 30. On Friday his day off, he told me that his co-worker needed help in moving. Her name is Liz and she is 42. She seems nice, but I did not like the idea since I did not know her that well.
Of course, he told me to go. I did not want to go. He left and 10 minutes later he called me with her on the phone telling me to go over there and hang out while he is helping. Initially, I did not see the problem with him helping her because she needed it, but it still felt weird. I ended up going to where they were, and her stepdad was helping also. Her stepdad had to quit, because he just had his wisdom teeth removed.

While I was there, she kept trying to call other male friends and workers to help her. She said they were all ignoring their phone. I felt bad for her in a way and glad that my husband helped, but can I trust her or him?

So it was later just Liz, my husband and I. When she and I were alone, she kept telling me how much my husband loves me and that he will not even let other women hug him out of respect for me and his Muslim beliefs. I have never told him not to hug other women, I honestly would not be bothered by that.

My mother feels that he should not have helped Liz, and for me not to trust her or to ever trust any woman around my husband. Now I remember since I was a child my mother always drove with me in the car to check on my stepdad to make sure he is not cheating on her. I used to go to therapy with a counselor and she told me that I need to stay away from my mother and that during my years of developing my sexuality at age 12 is when she would question my stepdad on his loyalty and that made me not trust men as an adult. Now I feel all paranoid. Now he and I are fighting over this, and this could end up in dovorce.

My mother feels that I should not have let him helped her and that if he had any respect for our marriage he should not have helped her either. She payed him $50.00. If I told him not to help her, he probably would not have listened to me. I do not want to be selfish, and I do not mind us helping, but it is the trust issue. In addition, my husband was the only one who helped, I am sure the other men did not because maybe their wives were not comfortable with it either.
Should I have let him helped her? If I did not want him to, should he have respected my feelings on this since it does involve the opposite sex? My mother may be paranoid, but she also had always been right unfortunately and I understand her protectiveness. She calls me like 10 times a day. I am an only child and feel responsible to keep in touch. After my stepdad died, I blamed myself and I do not want to do that again.

However, my husband sends $300.00 a month to his mom and dad. His parents expect him to send money. He knows I do not agree, and he does it anyway.

I hate to get really personal here, but I need outside unbiased opinions. My marriage is in trouble.

Am I wrong or is my husband wrong?

This is hard for me because I kept my virginity until marriage.

If we do divorce I am 30 and I do not feel I could go through this marriage commitment again. However, I really do want to be a mother one day.

On top of all of this, I had to resign from teaching because I had an unprofessional principal. I have no job right not, but job interviews set up. I am feeling really depressed, but I do not have health insurance to use to get on anti depressants because of this transition, but I will have cobra insurance in a few weeks.

Am I wasting time in this marriage? I love my husband but do not feel in love. I hear it is normal after a few years to not feel romantically in love anymore. Instead the love changes to a feeling of more like family love.




Edited by Lady78 (07/29/08 06:14 PM)

Top

Add Marital problems to Twitter Add Marital problems to Facebook Add Marital problems to MySpace Add Marital problems to Del.icio.us Digg Marital problems Add Marital problems to Yahoo My Web Add Marital problems to Google Bookmarks Add Marital problems to Stumbleupon Add Marital problems to Reddit
#315084 - 07/29/08 07:08 PM Re: Marital problems [Re: Lady78]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
A far as your husband helping a workmate is concerned, I really don't think that you should worry. He was being helpful ~ and you were there too.

My husband goes all over the country with female colleagues. When we were first married he used to work away for weeks at a time and sometimes female colleagues were with him. The thing is, I knew the women, and I trusted him and all was well ~ I did & do tease him about it sometimes, though.

If your husband has given you no reason to distrust him, then I see no reason why you should.

Of course, there are going to be times when men and women are tempted, and no-one, I suppose, can be 100% certain that it will not happen to them, but to worry about your marriage being over, because you both helped a woman to move house, seems to be worrying unnecessarily to me.

Mothers worry about their kids, but they also put their own hang-ups onto their kids. Look at this objectively, not through the eyes of someone who felt that she could not trust her husband.

As for sending money to parents, I understand that this is common amongst people whose family live in the developing world. I think that it is partly a cultural thing, and partly to do with 'giving something back' to people who live in often poverty-stricken countries. This may or may not be the case with your husband, but it might explain it.
Of course, as his wife, your view on this should matter, but perhaps it was something planned before you met him?? Did you know about it from the beginning?

You say that you love your husband, but may not be 'in love', and that you think that this may be common. I think that love is bound to change over the years. Youthful passion may give way to mature comfort and companionship, but I think that there should always be a special spark. I still feel that way and I've known my husband since 1974.

However, in marriage it is not going to be wonderfully perfect every single day of every single year. For most people there are going to be ups & downs. On 'off' days, you may feel the love, but not the spark. Off days can be caused by worrying about your job, your health, your Mum, your marriage, your desire for children, etc, etc.

Depression is a serious matter, but you may not be suffering from this. You may be down because you are anxious and upset.

You are talking about divorce ~ have you objectively thought about why?

Don't let someone else's assumptions affect your marriage.

Don't let your lost job affect your marriage.

Don't let your husband's innocent offer of help to a colleague affect your marriage.

Only be concerned if you really feel that you don't love each other any more ~ and it is going to be difficult to really know how you feel with all these thoughts going round in your mind ~ so don't make hasty decisions.

Only be concerned if you really feel that your husband has feelings for the woman he helped, and vice versa. This must be what is worrying you, but is there any evidence of this at all?

You need to really talk over the money issue. If you agreed to it, originally, then he might find it hard to understand why you feel differently now. When mixed marriages occur, this can be one of the problems ~ how to compromise.

Are you wasting your time on this marriage?

Only you know that.

If the negative feelings that you are having are recent, then they may just be associoated with all the confusion in your mind.

If you have been having doubts for longer, then you need to give this serious thought. Perhaps some kind of marriage counselling would help.

As for children, they say that you should never have a baby in an attempt to save a marriage, but if you do love each other and being childless is contributing to your unhappiness, then, once everything is sorted out and your life is back on an even keel, maybe this will be something to look forward to.

By the way, what does yor husband feel about all your anxieties?

Good luck! smile
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

Top

Add Re: Marital problems to Twitter Add Re: Marital problems to Facebook Add Re: Marital problems to MySpace Add Re: Marital problems to Del.icio.us Digg Re: Marital problems Add Re: Marital problems to Yahoo My Web Add Re: Marital problems to Google Bookmarks Add Re: Marital problems to Stumbleupon Add Re: Marital problems to Reddit
#315136 - 07/29/08 08:19 PM Re: Marital problems [Re: PDM]
Lady78 Offline
Good Friend

Registered: 07/24/08
Posts: 306
Loc: TX
He does not really know about all of my anxieties in detail. He says that if I keep alot of pets and spend alot of money on them, than he should be allowed to send money to his parents. I could not argue with him on that.

He knows I am going through a hard time in looking for a job after the big disappointment I had with my previous employer.

He feels that I should trust him just like he trusts me.

However, even Khalid my husband has questioned me.
He did not actually ask me, he just checked my cell phone and I caught him doing it lol. I have been guilty of checking his cellphone also.

One of my ex co-workers who happens to be male sent me text messages. He was asking me how I did on a quiz. I told him how I did. It was all innocent and my husband checked my text messages. I was fine with that because I had nothing to hide. My husband did not get mad after seeing the messages, because he saw how innocent the content was.

My husband has talked to female co-workers on the phone and I did not mind and have not questioned it. I know it relates to work. I have also met his female co-workers and all they did was tell me how beatiful I was so I felt I could trust them.

I do trust him, but than I get these ideas from my mother. I know I should not listen to her since I am 30, but she has always been right in the past and I did not have a relationship with my father. Actually she has not always been right now that I think about it. She was wrong about my stepdad. I have even spoken to ex-boyfriends before I knew Khalid and they told me that my mother interferes too much. I just wanted to get their honest opinion.


Edited by Lady78 (07/29/08 08:22 PM)

Top

Add Re: Marital problems to Twitter Add Re: Marital problems to Facebook Add Re: Marital problems to MySpace Add Re: Marital problems to Del.icio.us Digg Re: Marital problems Add Re: Marital problems to Yahoo My Web Add Re: Marital problems to Google Bookmarks Add Re: Marital problems to Stumbleupon Add Re: Marital problems to Reddit
#315142 - 07/29/08 08:27 PM Re: Marital problems [Re: Lady78]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
It sounds as if your mother has some problems of her own ~ but don't let them be superimposed onto your life and relationship. This can easily happen.
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

Top

Add Re: Marital problems to Twitter Add Re: Marital problems to Facebook Add Re: Marital problems to MySpace Add Re: Marital problems to Del.icio.us Digg Re: Marital problems Add Re: Marital problems to Yahoo My Web Add Re: Marital problems to Google Bookmarks Add Re: Marital problems to Stumbleupon Add Re: Marital problems to Reddit
#322511 - 08/26/08 10:30 AM Re: Marital problems [Re: PDM]
Carl Offline
Silver Star Soulmate

Registered: 05/27/06
Posts: 5173
Loc: Gator Country, Florida - USA
I just read the posts in this thread. I agree with PDM. I'll add this - as far as why no other men wanted to help her move, could be two reasons:

1. Men really do not just love to help others move.

2. She may seem to have hidden agendas, or likes to manipulate people in to doing what she wants done.

Sounds like he is known for his loyalty and commitment to you (at work). I know that I, also, make a point of letting others know about my love for Marge. It avoids a lot of possible "accidents."

My advice: Keep talking. And seek help together.
_________________________
Marge is the love of my life.

Top

Add Re: Marital problems to Twitter Add Re: Marital problems to Facebook Add Re: Marital problems to MySpace Add Re: Marital problems to Del.icio.us Digg Re: Marital problems Add Re: Marital problems to Yahoo My Web Add Re: Marital problems to Google Bookmarks Add Re: Marital problems to Stumbleupon Add Re: Marital problems to Reddit


Moderator:  Lisa Shea 

Want to reply? Register as a Forum Member - it's quick, free and fun!
Latest Posts
Daily Meditation - 10pm EST
by Lisa Shea
Today at 05:57 PM
Daily Yoga
by Lisa Shea
08/26/14 11:00 AM
Go a Day Without Complaining
by Lisa Shea
08/24/14 07:23 AM
19 Year Anniversary
by Lisa Shea
08/20/14 08:39 AM
Help Talking on the phone with a girl
by Lisa Shea
08/16/14 05:59 PM
Aquarian Awakening - a Sci-Fi Romance
by Lisa Shea
08/05/14 05:18 PM
Forum Guidelines
This forum takes web safety issues very seriously. Please make sure you have read and understood our Forum Guidelines before posting.
Support Charity
Support Our Friends
The Animal Rescue Site

origami wedding favors