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#337422 - 11/13/08 05:49 AM Which tempation do I give in to?
Ritsuka Tommy Offline
Companion

Registered: 02/27/08
Posts: 126
Ok, Raven is back everyone! Sorry that I've been gone for so long, but there are some things in my life that I had to deal with on my own.

Right, now getting to my thread. It's basically summed up in that question, "Which temptation do I give it to?"

For those who do not know, I'm a so called "Emo" person. Yes, emos that cut themselves and that kind of stuff. I've made progress by not hurting myself for a couple of months, but not too long ago I took a pin and created two scars across my wrists. They didn't bleed or sting, but the marks are there to remind me of what I did. Sometimes I feel so alone, pathetic and unloved that I just want to hurt myself so I can feel some kind of emotion. I fight the temptation, but I don't know how much longer it will be before I snap!

Now that that's said... So, my boyfriend and I will be nine months together tomorrow! I'm so excited! Our relationship was a bit rocky for the past two/three months, which ended up in him threatening to break up with me and me becoming emotionally scarred. But we've managed to sort things out between us and are quite happy together. Yesterday was the first time he said 'Goodbye' and 'Ilove you' in the same sentence. He usually doesn't tell me he loves me THAT upfront. But I'm glad for it.

The thing is, I tend to dream about him a lot. And not in a very good way either. Let me explain this one dream that I kept on having every night:

I wake up lying on cold ground. I sit up, cross-legged in my nightdress and reach out towards a vision, only for my fingers to collide with a rough, glass wall that makes me bleed. Looking through the glass, I see my love running from the shadowy form of evil beings. Whips and blades come from the shadow mass and strike him down, piercing him, making him pour his own life force. Then he lay motionless. I try to break the glass wall, but to no avail. I have failed to protect him, failed to help him when he needed me the most...

These dreams scare the life out of me. If I have these dreams, I'm nervous to see him the next day. When I do, I start panicking. I ask if he is alright and if he's hurt. The answer is always no, but this fear of not being able to be his 'guardian angel' is driving me insane. Do these dreams mean something, or is it just my fear of losing him that is taking over my mind?

Yesterday, he showed me his exam writing paper. In there, it stated many things that I was unaware of:
- His parents fight a lot
- He smoked marijuana in his grade 8 and 9 years of high school
- There is this other girl he likes more than a friend (thank God she's not in the same city of us)

This worries me quite a lot. The fact that his parents fight kills me, because he doesn't deserve to be in the middle of it and doesn't need to see it happening! Ok, so my parents of divorce. It took me almost three years to accept it. I don't want him to go through what I did. But if it does happen (and God say it won't) I am prepared to help him. The fact that he smoked marijuana doesn't bother me at all. Ok, so we all make mistakes. I don't judge him because he did it, but what kind of person he is now is almost like that drug was never in him (trust me, I know. I know far too many people that take drugs and stuff). And lastly, this girl really gets to me. I'm super-sensitive when it comes to 'sharing' him because of my fear of losing him and all the multiple times I came close to losing him. But... I don't know. What am I supposed to do? I can't tell him how to feel, but I don't want him to feel guilty because he feels my bad vibes.

Everything that happened in the past three months is really taking its toll on me: physically. If I get any scars, they take weeks to disappear. My body bruises easily and sometimes I'm covered in blue marks. I'm always tired and my legs give in under me a lot to the point where I can't walk and (to my dismay) need to be carried. I don't eat and sometimes need to be force-fed. I'm scared that I might go into a state that will bring my boyfriend down. He already tells me that I need to eat more and things like that. What am I to do? I'm on vitamin tablets, but I can't stay on it forver.

Sorry, it's quite a long post and a real twisting story.
_________________________
"My name is my law"

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#337429 - 11/13/08 08:43 AM Re: Which tempation do I give in to? [Re: Ritsuka Tommy]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
Hello again Raven. smile
It's good to hear from you, but I'm sorry that you have been going through some rough times.

I'll have to be brief because I have to go out, but I'll get back to you later.

For now ..

Re the dream. I think that they are more to do with the dreamers fears and worries than about anything that is really real. Worrying about them won't help. They are bound to be upsetting, but many of us have scary upsetting dreams. The best thing, I think, is to just accept that some dreams can be negative, but that they are just dreams. You are probably having them because you are feeling down and confused. Try not to let them get to you.

Now, the scratches you made on your arms. Again, try to look at the positive. You say that you are making progress. Be proud of that important fact, rather than worrying about this blip.

All relationships have ups and downs. Your boyfriend says he loves you. There is another girl he likes. Does he know that you saw this information? The thing is, many people like other boys / girls (or men / women) when they are in a relationship. People cannot help being attracted to others or to getting on well with others. It's what they do about it that counts. He says that he likes this girl more than a friend ~ so I can, indeed, see your concern. You are bound to feel sensitive aboiut it. Any girl would. However, he says that he loves you. It is you he spends his time with. Have you discussed this particular matter with him?

The best thing you can do for him is be there for him. You cannot sort out his parents' problems. You can only be there if he needs to talk about it. You know that it would help him to see you as healthy as you can be, so look after yourself.

It's good that you are taking vitamins. You know, though, that you need adequate nutrition. If you cannot stomach huge meals, then eat little snacks as often as you can. Try to make them healthy and easily-digestibe, like fruit and vegetables. Try to eat some fish every day. Build up gradually.

Take care smile
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#337498 - 11/13/08 12:50 PM Re: Which tempation do I give in to? [Re: PDM]
Ritsuka Tommy Offline
Companion

Registered: 02/27/08
Posts: 126
Thanks for not jumping down my throat about me cutting/striking myself. Guess you understand me better than most people. If my boyfriend knew about it, he'd break up with me

I want to discuss the matter with him as soon as I can. You see, he like this girl before we met and he says he might even love her. I mean, how the heck am I supposed to feel? I've been betrayed by my own mother and now he's going to do the same?!

I will always be there for him, no matter what happens between us. I will always be his protector and comforter, even if we may not be together one day.

You just read my mind. I CAN'T stomach huge meals. But even small ones make me nauseous. I get nauseous on just about everything as of late. Is something wrong with me?
_________________________
"My name is my law"

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#337522 - 11/13/08 02:07 PM Re: Which tempation do I give in to? [Re: Ritsuka Tommy]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
Hi Raven smile

When you feel tense, it is hard to eat. It's pretty much the same for everyone.

You must be feeling tied in knots about this boy and his confused feelings for you and the other girl. This will affect your ability to eat. Try very small portions of fruits and vegetables that you like. Just a little, as often as you can. Juices, too.

It's good that you still feel so positive towards him. After all, he cannot help who he likes and connects with. This happens on a subconscious, not a conscious, level. He is obviously very fond of you.

What the future holds for your relationship, I cannot know. You are very young, and usually people do not stay with their first loves ~ but sometimes they do, and that is very special. Remember, though, that if you drift apart it is meant to be, and that forcing yourselves to stay together would make both of you unhappy long term. Just see how it goes and try not to let worry get in the way of enjoying your relationship.

If anyone tries hard not to do something, they very often will do it. That's how the brain works. If someone is on a weight loss diet, they will be more drawn to fattening food than if they just allow themselves to eat whatever they want. Worrying about those scratches will not make things better for you, so it's best to just accept that it happened, but be grateful and pleased that you have conquered this as well as you have. Your boyfriend would get upset because he cares.

What are your hobbies?
What are you good at?
Are you an artist?
Concentrate on the positives in your life. Acknowledge the negatives ~ otherwise they will just push into your mind anyway ~ but then go back to things that make you feel good. Positive music. Painting / drawing. Picking flowers and arranging them. Anything like that.

In fact, I would really recommend planting flowers and shrubs and tending them. Tending new life, like this, is therapeutic and the results are beautiful and positive. You could even try growing fruit and vegetables for yourself. (Protect them from pests, don't use anything poisonous on them, and only eat things that you recognise and are safe.)

Take care smile
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#337526 - 11/13/08 02:35 PM Re: Which tempation do I give in to? [Re: PDM]
Ritsuka Tommy Offline
Companion

Registered: 02/27/08
Posts: 126
At this moment in time, I've been tied up, cut up and sewn loosely back together... so I don't really know how I feel. Sometimes I'm deeply in love, and then I break out crying. Then I'm totally calm, and the next minute I want to take my blade and hurt someone. The problem is that somtimes the most small thing can trigger a different response in me.

When I love someone, it's difficult for me NOT to feel positive towards them. The probelm is that I'm scared his love for her will outgrow mine. He said he had a dream about them getting married. And to put it straight, I got dam ticked off. I mean, how else am I ought to feel?

I try and concentrate on positive things. I love art and writing, and that's what I do when I feel emotionally frustrated or confused. At this moment I'm working on a card for him for our anniversary tomorrow. But I don't know if he will like it. On the card is an animated picture of me wearing a black and red dress (similar to what I will wear to my matric ball) and creating a heart with my hands. But... I don't know. He'll probably just laugh at it and throw it away... So should I give it to him?

Positive music doesn't work on me. I often drown myself in rock, all kinds of metal, punk and trance. Sometimes the aim of me listening to trance is to put me into a trance. It does at times and makes me feel a bit better.

As far as growing plants go, I can't do that. I don't have a garden with the riht soil and have no money to get the correct things.
_________________________
"My name is my law"

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#337533 - 11/13/08 03:02 PM Re: Which tempation do I give in to? [Re: Ritsuka Tommy]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
Raven, I think you said that you had a counsellor or therapist?
If you feel that you have 'been tied up, cut up and sewn loosely back together' at the moment, then perhaps now would be a good time to get a little more support from them.

I understand how you feel regarding this boy's revelation about the other girl. I think that anyone would. It is going to be a difficult time for you. He probably feels confused too.
Does he see this girl often?
Do you know how she feels about him?

As for the dreams ~ whether yours or his ~ they are just that ~ dreams. I know that they can affect how one feels, really profoundly, but reality is more important.

Try to talk to your boyfriend as much a you can about this, so that there is no misunderstanding between you. smile
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#337535 - 11/13/08 03:06 PM Re: Which tempation do I give in to? [Re: Ritsuka Tommy]
Carl Offline
Silver Star Soulmate

Registered: 05/27/06
Posts: 5173
Loc: Gator Country, Florida - USA
I'm glad that PDM is establishing rapport with you, Dark Raven. I wouldn't want to jump down your throat about your cutting/striking yourself, or taking your blade to hurt someone.

And yet, I am concerned about YOU.

I don't want to get in the way of your conversation with PDM, but I didn't want you to think that others of us on here were not caring about you, also.

I am hopeful that you will consider talking with a professional counselor - someone who will not judge, but care enough to help.
_________________________
Marge is the love of my life.

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#337555 - 11/13/08 04:30 PM Re: Which tempation do I give in to? [Re: Carl]
Ritsuka Tommy Offline
Companion

Registered: 02/27/08
Posts: 126
To ma'am PDM:

I can't visit my social worker at the moment because I'm in the middle of exams. I can't afford to spill my guts to her right now because I'm scared of going into a breakdown again. And at the moment I can't fall into a breakdown because it's going to affect my studying.

Well, she lives in a different city. To be honest, I DON'T want to know how she feels about him. And I really don't care either. If she dares to try and take him away from me... my ugly side is going to come out. And trust me, you don't want to see me like that because I end up hurting a lot of people... physically. I almost strnagled my best friend once. That was the last time I became so violent.

I'm going to try and talk to him face-to-face as soon as I can. But with both of us writing exams, it's kind of difficult.


To Carl:

You're not getting in the way. I'll accept any kind of helpful advice/support from anyone. So don't feel like you're barging in, because you aren't.

Like I told ma'am PDM, I'm unable to see my social worker right now. But I promise to talk to her as soon as I can.
_________________________
"My name is my law"

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#337561 - 11/13/08 04:55 PM Re: Which tempation do I give in to? [Re: Carl]
Amaggiepie Offline
Great Friend

Registered: 12/23/07
Posts: 468
Loc: Baltimore, MD
I agree with Carl about having someone to talk to, and just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone. I started SI-ing (self injuring) when I was 10 years old, and I still do. Its not that I want to kill myself, because I never cut deep or want to die when I cut, but for me its an emotional release. I went through a very abusive marriage, and even though its over with now, and I have a daughter and wonderful boyfriend, the scars are still there. When my boyfriend and I get in an argument, its like my emotions and even physical sensations shut down; I disassociate. Its a defense I learned from being abused I guess, because when this happens, I really can't feel anything. I go numb. When Im like this and I SI, I don't feel the pain of the cuts, but it helps to bring back my senses. Its a way to ground myself again.

I have been through therapy and the medications but everyone has good times and bad ones. Really, in the end, it is up to you to control your life. I have a normal happy life now with a good job and family, my own place, and my daughter, even though I have depression and SI problems.

It doesn't mean you are crazy or that people will judge you. And my boyfriend knows I SI and has seen me do it, and although he hates to see me hurt myself, he still loves me for me.

I hope everything works out for you.
_________________________
~ Maggie
Mama to Juliana Elise (03/07), Wesley Dominick (06/10) and four feathered 'tielbabies!

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#337567 - 11/13/08 05:20 PM Re: Which tempation do I give in to? [Re: Amaggiepie]
Carl Offline
Silver Star Soulmate

Registered: 05/27/06
Posts: 5173
Loc: Gator Country, Florida - USA
Are there self-help groups for SI?

I have gone through periods of time where my self-destruction was taking the route of heavy drinking. And I have caused myself and others a lot of pain.

So I do not judge nor look at others as so very different just because the outward signs are different.

But bottom line is still: how much do you have to hurt yourself and others that you love before you say: "Enough! I cannot break free of this by myself. I need help."

The fact that you are posting is a good sign. It is a step toward finding a better way.
_________________________
Marge is the love of my life.

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