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#338540 - 11/19/08 03:18 PM Re: Which tempation do I give in to? [Re: Ritsuka Tommy]
Carl Offline
Silver Star Soulmate

Registered: 05/27/06
Posts: 5173
Loc: Gator Country, Florida - USA
I've got some news for you, Dark Raven. While people on here are as caring, if not more so, than people anywhere, we are just people. And none of us "own" the threads we start.

You posted - which on this board puts your post and/or topic up for discussion. I think we've been kind and caring.

You think otherwise? If we use the word abuse, then that angers you and allows you then to abuse us?

If abuse from others and abusing yourself is what you choose, then I am so very sorry.

There are people who feel that they deserve to hurt and be hurt. And I am angry at the situations and the people who caused them to be this way.

I don't blame you. You've known no other way, and you want to hold on to any chance for love that you can.

I can see that you won't believe me, but I KNOW that if you decide you don't want to hurt any more, and begin to live for yourself and nobody else, you will begin to see that love that hurts you is not really love. And when you love yourself, you open yourself up to a whole new vista of opportunities.

You can love yourself even now. You've done the very best that you could. Think of all the energy and determination you've put into being what others wanted of you. You are a good person. Be good to yourself.

Being angry at us, and what we say, doesn't help you. It is probably even a cop out. But it is still your choice to take the cop out, if you want.
_________________________
Marge is the love of my life.

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#338551 - 11/19/08 04:11 PM Re: Which tempation do I give in to? [Re: Carl]
Carl Offline
Silver Star Soulmate

Registered: 05/27/06
Posts: 5173
Loc: Gator Country, Florida - USA
I see you've changed your name. I guess I can see a statement in that.

Thanks for being straight with us. I wish for you a life of your own choosing.
_________________________
Marge is the love of my life.

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#338571 - 11/19/08 07:16 PM Re: Which tempation do I give in to? [Re: Carl]
guesswhokatysue Offline
Friend

Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 241
Loc: Maine, United States
I just read your post, and most of the posts after the fact. Being a teenager really sucks, especially one under 18.

I was in a relationship from 14-17 (it lasted for a couple months short of 3 years). As a teenager that was pretty much an ugly duckling, finally getting a boyfriend was like winning the lottery for me. I can't relate to the extent of abuse it sounds like you have recieved in the past from people you trusted. I am terribly sorry that happened. Anyway, I understand why it makes you angry when people say things like "abuse" when it comes to your boyfriend. I am not going to say that though. The reason is, while I was with this guy ( I loved him more than life itself ) EVERYBODY, and I mean my whole xxxxxxx school and parents were all saying the same xxxxxx stupid thing that this guy was abusing me. Let me tell you, I wanted to physically hurt every single person that ever said that to me because it made me SO mad that they were all trying to paint MY love as some evil person. To me, he wasn't. So I understand your rage. At some point (on one thread I tell the longer version of my story but I am hoping to shorten it up for you =D) my parents said "no more talking, hanging out, no more relationship". Yeah, real smart mom and dad, now, I am just going to lie to you about what I do, good choice. I hated it, I lied, I snuck out, snuck him in, I didn't much care. I lost their trust, anand they lost mine. I lost my friends too. I had nobody left but him and myself. Now, my guy was an abuser, and he loved this game of lets break her heart and watch her fall so I can pick her up again. It was great for him, but sucked for me.

I always felt like I had nobody to talk to, not even my own mother, because whenever I mentioned his name, nobody wanted to hear anymore. It made me feel so alone. i remember nights when I would fashion razors out of old used razors I would shave with. I would sit in my room, usually in the dark with my door shut, just crying endlessly, holding the blade to my arm, questioning, whether or not I wanted to do it. Usually I would. It felt better to do that than to cry all the time over a broken heart and soul. I know the feeling of wanting to hurt yourself, it helps me, like others, deal with pain. I haven't done it in quite some time, but let me tell you, there are times when I scare the xxxx out of myself because I want to SO bad.

As others have said before, he did have no right to slap you, but you know that.

I know you don't see the reason to pour yourself out to your social worker, and I never wanted to with anyone either because everyone stopped caring at some point anyways. Do what makes you feel better and leave it at that. As a teenager it is impossible to understand what you are feeling, i know when I was only a couple years younger, I could fly into a rage over some stupid little thing and other times, I just didn't care.

I promise, things get better, eventually. Luckily for me, that guy is out of my life. I know you don't want your boyfriend out of yours, I remember the feeling. My old boyfriend had family troubles too, I mean his family was CRAZY. His stepdad sexually harrassed me the first time I ever went to his house for dinner, and his mom, she just has a lot of life issues that for the sake of her younger kids, I pray she can somehow work out.

Try to stay away from the self harm things, it's hard, I actually got into a fight with my current boyfriend about letting me keep my razors. He saw that one night after a fight I had taken them out, and I carelessly had left them laying out. He wanted to take them, he didn't see why I needed them. I told him that even though I don't use them it makes me feel better to have them in that one place. He hid them on me. I WAS SO STEAMED! he eventually gave them back to me, and since, I haven't moved them. But try to not think about it. (yeah right, i know).

I hope something I said somehow made enough sense to help you a little bit. I know you love your boyfriend. I hope things work out. You're not alone. I'm only 18, and here, you will always have people that care about you, just be careful not to burn bridges with those who try to help you.

Nothing said here is an attack on you, I hope you see it that way.


Edited by PDM (11/22/08 06:56 PM)

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#338581 - 11/19/08 08:16 PM Re: Which tempation do I give in to? [Re: guesswhokatysue]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
To everyone:

The thing about this situation is that, while people are trying to be helpful and supportive of Raven, it may come over as us ganging up on her and acting as if we don't trust her judgement.

When one is stressed, it doesn't help if those 'helping' make us feel worse.

I remember when I used to get stressed over my weekend homework. I had to do it. It stressed me out. My Dad would sympathise, and complain that the school shouldn't set so much, and ruin every weekend for me, etc. He was trying to help me and be supportive of me. He was being a kind and caring parent, worried for my health, but it just stressed me more.

Of course, if a husband or boyfriend hits his partner, then he might be an abuser, but I have smacked my kids ~ when they were much smaller than Raven ~ it used to just be 'the done thing'.
I feel guilty, but I don't think that I am an abuser, and neither do my children. I smacked if they were in danger ~ as a deterrant. I smacked when they were naughty ~ as a punishment. I smacked more when I felt frightened or at the end of my tether than at other times.

I am guessing that Raven's boyfriend hit out because he felt stressed, frightened and at the end of his tether, over something he hates and doesn't understand. I cannot condone it, but I may understand it.

If he continues to lash out, whenever his loved ones don't do as he wishes, then, yes, he might be turning into an abuser, but once, in an emotional state, may not constitute this.

Raven is intelligent & used to looking out for herself. Hopefully she can judge when things go too far. If our comments cause her to ignore our advice, then this may do more harm than good.


To Raven:

The people on here are just trying to help.
You brought some worries to the board and people responded according to their experience and their views.
You may be intelligent and strong and mature, but you are still young and vulnerable. You have your own experiences of life, but others have different experiences, which they can bring to the conversation.

Your boyfriend hit you and you feel that you understand why and that this was a product of a specific situation and not evidence that he is turning into an abuser. I hope that you are right. You may well be, but you should be wary.

I am actually more concerned that you said that you deserved to be hit, than that he hit you. You did not deserve it.

Now, Raven, you can take from here the advice and experiences of others, or you can reject it.
You know yourself and your situation better than anyone.
But if you appear to be feeling stressed and upset, then I would have thought that the social worker would be able to help you.
No-one can force you to speak to her, but she is there to support you.
She is supposed to be on your side ~ do you not see it that way?

You have been doing very well, being positive, so that cutting is becoming a thing of the past.

But read back what you wrote:

'Sometimes I feel so alone, pathetic and unloved that I just want to hurt myself so I can feel some kind of emotion. I fight the temptation, but I don't know how much longer it will be before I snap!'
'Everything that happened in the past three months is really taking its toll on me: physically.'
'I'm always tired and my legs give in under me a lot to the point where I can't walk and (to my dismay) need to be carried. I don't eat and sometimes need to be force-fed.'
'If she dares to try and take him away from me... my ugly side is going to come out. And trust me, you don't want to see me like that because I end up hurting a lot of people... physically.'
'My boyfriend told me that the people at the clinic suggest he go to boarding school ... I don't want him to go away'
'what my boyfriend told me today tore me up inside. He said in a SMS: "Sometimes I dream, sometimes I wish and sometimes I pray to be with [insert girl's name]." How is this supposed to make me feel?! To be honest, I don't know how I feel. Confused might be the proper word. My emotions are mixed: love, depressed, rage.'


Raven, if you had a friend, who told you such things, wouldn't you advise her to get help and support from her social worker?

No-one is attacking you or trying to make you feel bad, we are just concerned for your health and welfare.
Of course, I do understand that the thoughts you are reading here might add to your stress levels.
Sometimes it's good to share and discuss, but no-one can make you do anything. You know that.

Just take care of yourself ~ please smile


Edited by PDM (11/19/08 09:38 PM)
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#338583 - 11/19/08 08:25 PM Re: Which tempation do I give in to? [Re: PDM]
Carl Offline
Silver Star Soulmate

Registered: 05/27/06
Posts: 5173
Loc: Gator Country, Florida - USA
Sorry if I seemed to be ganging up on her.

I hurt myself for years - and those around me, because of things that happened to me as a kid. My hurting was through drinking and in other ways. Slow ways, but still destructive.

And in self-help programs I've been in, one can only be helped if one admits one has a problem. For that matter, even counseling is only as good as the desire for help.

I care enough to speak straight. She may not agree, and you may not agree. But I won't lie so that what is heard is what she wants to hear.

Too many times I think we enable people to continue to hurt.

But I'll bow out of the advice department. Again, sorry.
_________________________
Marge is the love of my life.

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#338587 - 11/19/08 08:39 PM Re: Which tempation do I give in to? [Re: Carl]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
Not 'you', Carl, 'we'.

I think that Raven is just finding the contents of the thread a bit too stressful at the moment.
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#338610 - 11/20/08 06:38 AM Re: Which tempation do I give in to? [Re: PDM]
Anonymous
Unregistered


To everyone,

I just can't deal with all this as the content of a thread, I really can't.

The changing of my username was for obvious reasons. I felt like lashing out at everyone that had posted here, wanting to swear and curse until I ran out of insults. But I'm not that kind of person. Yes, I am feeling angry, and it has ben noticed in my posts. Instead of having a go at someone, I changed my name from Dark Raven to Bloodlust Raven, just as a warning for everyone to back off.

I'll be leaving this forum for a while until I feel free enough to come back. I can't get myself so worked up over the messages in this thread.

Ma'am PDM, I'll keep you updated on how things are going.

So until I return, this is goodbye.

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#338615 - 11/20/08 06:58 AM Re: Which tempation do I give in to? [Re: Anonymous]
Ritsuka Tommy Offline
Companion

Registered: 02/27/08
Posts: 126
The anon post was by me. Dumb forum didn't wanna log me in.
_________________________
"My name is my law"

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#338620 - 11/20/08 09:16 AM Re: Which tempation do I give in to? [Re: Ritsuka Tommy]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
Take care of yourself, Raven smile
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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