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#340737 - 12/05/08 03:40 AM What's she thinking? Do I stand any chance at all?
xin Offline
New Member

Registered: 12/05/08
Posts: 6
Hi, I'm seeking some advice from the world abt this thing that is driving me crazy. This girl in my class sits next to me n we got along pretty well since sch started. Abt a month ago, after she presumably rejected someone who confessed his feelings for her, she started being more friendly towards me. I dunno if it can be considered flirting, but sometimes we were so close that I am only one step away from putting my arms around her. I resisted because I'm too shy to do somtin so daring, plus it doesnt feel right as we were not an item or anytin.. Seeing our playing and demeanor, we were actually mistaken for a couple more than once.

She's an open-minded gal who have more guy friends than gal friends and I have a feelin that I'll die of jealousy if we get together, though I reckon I'll have to live with that now.. ever since I found myself liking her more and more.

The problem is that she'd told me abt 2 different guys she likes in her other circles of friends presently. She would talk abt them from outta nowhere and I would nod or chat on when in my heart I really dun wanna know how this guy is making her laugh on msn last night.

I dearly wanna know why she keeps tellin me abt e guys she likes, yet still behave as if I may have a chance with her by being so close to me. The thought to just ask her this did cross my mind, but I dun wanna jeopardize our friendship too, because a confession would risk awkwardness in future. I read that some gals are 'chronic flirts' who are just out to get attention, but I dun wanna believe that of her.

One way or another, I know I'll be heartbroken if I go for it and she ends up to be just 'trying out' or worse, using me for reasons like schoolwork. If I chase a girl, I would be committing 100% to her, thus I'd really like to know where I stand now.. Btw, she must already know that I do like her from the gifts and small things that I did, so I cant understand why she is telling me abt other guys that she liked while acting like I'm one of them myself. Is she tryin to spite me or reject me?

Oh dam.. this post is long.. sorry for my long windedness : )

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#340747 - 12/05/08 04:30 AM Re: What's she thinking? Do I stand any chance at all? [Re: xin]
Carl Offline
Silver Star Soulmate

Registered: 05/27/06
Posts: 5173
Loc: Gator Country, Florida - USA
She might feel close to you as like a friend. And that might be more special to her than the guys she just likes. It might not have occurred to her that you like her, in that way.

Tell her that you like your friendship. But that you also like her romantically.

You mention you'd be heartbroken if you went for it, and it didn't work out. But how would it be if you never went for it, and lost her because you never declared yourself?

Don't make it an ultimatum. Tell her how you feel, but that most importantly, you want your friendship and sense of enjoying one another's company to continue. But this way she has the choice.

And I think she'll like your honesty. Plus she'll see that you are not afraid to let her see your real self.
_________________________
Marge is the love of my life.

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#340757 - 12/05/08 11:06 AM Re: What's she thinking? Do I stand any chance at all? [Re: xin]
SDG Offline
Member

Registered: 08/08/08
Posts: 46
Loc: Texas
There are generally two things that this could mean.

1) Carl is correct, and this girl views you as a friend. As her confidant, someone she can tell her problems to and someone she knows will always lend an ear to her. Nothing more.

2) She's into you, but is weighing her options (to be honest... and please excuse me for being blunt, but I doubt this.)

You basically need to FIRST, figure out how YOU feel about her. You said:

Originally Posted By: xin
but I dun wanna jeopardize our friendship too, because a confession would risk awkwardness in future.


This statement alone says to me that you are unsure about your own feelings. What you need to do is primarily figure out how you feel about her. Is she a friend, or is she something more?

I honestly don't think this girl is trying to spite or reject you. I honestly think she thinks of you as her friend. I could be wrong though, don't quote me on anything. By her telling you about other guys she potentially likes, this means she trusts you enough that you wont repeat anything to anyone of interest. Therefore, if you want said girl you would have to prove to her that you are in fact a catch. The way a person shows another person their true value is only applicable by that person. In other words, only you can prove this to her.

I can give you a bit of words of wisdom, but I would rather you PM me instead. If you are interested, please do.


_________________________
--- My mother... she said. "Heaven's on one shoulder, but baby... Hell is on the other." ---

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#340771 - 12/05/08 03:38 PM Re: What's she thinking? Do I stand any chance at all? [Re: SDG]
guesswhokatysue Offline
Friend

Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 241
Loc: Maine, United States
I have a friend who I have known since kindergarten, but in High School is when we started to get close. I had an AWFUL boyfriend, but this guy and I would still talk. All the time we would stay up late on the phone with eachother. I really cared about this guy (as more than a friend) but I had a boyfriend that would do bad things to him if I ever left for him. So, even though I knew this guy loved me, as I did him, we remained friends. He would talk about the girls he liked and wanted to date, and all I could do, fairly, was to give encouragement and be there if things didn't work out in his favor. He was my type at the time, but now we are just friends. So I guess what I am trying to say, if you think you are close enough that if you tell her the truth and she wont stop talking to you, or be awkward, tell her.
From a girls perspective, even if we talk about other guys we like, it might not mean we don't like you too. Personally, I hide the fact that I like a guy until I know he likes me too. I hate rejection, so it's just how I am. So try talking to her. Who says she isn't talking to other guy friends about you?
Take a chance and talk to her, but make sure she knows you aren't her friend ONLY because you like her. Make sure she knows that even if she doesn't return the feelings that you do not want to lose her as a friend. =D. Hopefully it helped.

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#340789 - 12/05/08 06:52 PM Re: What's she thinking? Do I stand any chance at all? [Re: xin]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
Originally Posted By: xin
Hi, I'm seeking some advice from the world abt this thing that is driving me crazy. ...

May I ask a few questions?

Quote:
This girl in my class sits next to me n we got along pretty well since sch started.

Since you are are at school together, I'm guessing that you are teenagers. Do you mind saying how old you are, please?
Quote:
Abt a month ago, after she presumably rejected someone who confessed his feelings for her, she started being more friendly towards me.

Why are you assuming that she rejected someone?
Are you convincing yourself that she rejects boys who declare romantic feelings for her, or do you have a good reason for thinking this?
Quote:
sometimes we were so close that I am only one step away from putting my arms around her.

If you are that close to her, then she is that close to you, too, and she must feel comfortable with it.
Quote:
I resisted because I'm too shy

Does she know it's because you are too shy, or may she be thinking that you are not interested in her romantically?
Quote:
it doesnt feel right as we were not an item

And how do you become an item? ~ It seems, to me, that this is what you would like.
Quote:
we were actually mistaken for a couple more than once.

How did you react to that?
How did she react?
How did she react to your reaction??
And vice versa?

Quote:
she'd told me abt 2 different guys she likes .... She would talk abt them from outta nowhere
I dearly wanna know why she keeps tellin me abt e guys she likes, yet still behave as if I may have a chance with her by being so close to me.

Yes. Girls sometimes do this for a specific reason.
Reason 1.
Sometimes the reason is to warn boys ~ warn them not to get too involved or not to feel that they are particularly special friends.
If she thinks that a boy is falling for her, the girl might indicate that he is just one of a number of friends, so that he doesn't get too involved and become hurt.
Reason 2.
Sometimes the reason is to test boys ~ to see how interested they are.
If she likes a boy, but isn't sure how he feels, she might mention other boys, to see how he responds.
What reaction did she get?
Quote:
I would nod or chat on

No reaction.
So you appear not to be jealous; not to mind, consequently, not interested in her in that way.
If she's warning you off, then that is a good reaction for her.
If she's testing whether you like her romantically, rather than just as a friend, then she will be disappointed.
What was your true reaction?
Quote:
in my heart I really dun wanna know how this guy is making her laugh on msn last night.

So you are giving ~ and possibly getting ~ mixed messages.

Quote:
The thought to just ask her this did cross my mind, but I dun wanna jeopardize our friendship too, because a confession would risk awkwardness in future.

But it may be the best way.
Quote:
I read that some gals are 'chronic flirts'

Yes, indeed.
And boys too.
It is often the way that teenagers communicate with the opposite sex.
It doesn't have to be bad, but, of course, some boys & girls can be cruel with it..

Quote:
If I chase a girl, I would be committing 100% to her

That sounds lovely.
Boys and girls who date should be able to trust each other.
Too often males & females let themselves and others down by not being caring and trustworthy.

If you are at school, though, you are probably still very young, so be aware that long-term serious relationships may be something for the future.
Quote:
I cant understand why she is telling me abt other guys that she liked while acting like I'm one of them myself. Is she tryin to spite me or reject me?

I think she may, just possibly, be asking you to make your feelings clearer ~ so that she knows whether you like her as a friend or as more than a friend.
I can't be sure & I may be wrong, because, as I said, there are other possibilities, but you may be pleasantly surprised if you just ask her. She may like you, too, but be prepared, just in case it's the other possibility.
Good luck smile
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#340791 - 12/05/08 07:00 PM Re: What's she thinking? Do I stand any chance at all? [Re: guesswhokatysue]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
Originally Posted By: birdygirly016
... I had an AWFUL boyfriend, but this guy and I would still talk. All the time we would stay up late on the phone with eachother. I really cared about this guy (as more than a friend) but I had a boyfriend that would do bad things to him if I ever left for him. ...

That's a very sad and frightening story, Birdygirly ~ I hope that it was resolved speedily and that all is well for you now smile
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#340824 - 12/05/08 10:32 PM Re: What's she thinking? Do I stand any chance at all? [Re: PDM]
SDG Offline
Member

Registered: 08/08/08
Posts: 46
Loc: Texas
Xin, what you have to understand is one key thing.

All women are different.

Some like attention, some hate it. Some like to flirt, but sometimes it doesn't mean a thing. Some are open to feelings, and some hide them. Some like to laugh, sometimes at situations or others, and some wont even shed a smile. You see my point?

I'm a chronic flirt myself. It doesn't mean anything, I like to joke and poke fun at women, but I always let them know that I'm not to mean them any harm. If I flirt with a woman, and if I find her attractive, I'll give her my number, else I'll just keep her as my pal, someone I can joke with and tease.

I'll be honest with you... you seem like a good nice guy. Emphasis on nice. Now I know you've heard the words "Nice guys finish last." It's not true at all. What it should read is "Guys who try too hard, finish last." You don't seem like you're trying too hard, but also... not hard enough. Does this make sense?

If you want her to notice you the way you want, then you have to make her notice you. Stand out from the crowd. Next time you see her, say a unique hello. For instance:

- What up dawg?
- What's up gangsta?
- Ello luv (in a British accent)

What's the difference between those hellos, versus:

- Hi
- Hello
- Hey what's up?

The difference is, connection. Anyone can say "Hello" in a nice and sweet voice, but everyone is used to that. Again, stand out. Be a little different, but still yourself. Show her that you're not just some normal guy, but instead a challenge, a mystery.

If she tells you about other guys, tell her about other girls. If she's trying to make you jealous, show her you're not affected. You want her to realize that its not her time she's giving up, but YOUR time. You understand where I'm coming from? In other words... Your time is valuable, just as much as anyone elses. You don't want to show her that you're always available, but instead, that if she wants to talk/hang out that it'll be on your time, and on your terms. Be a teeny bit assertive.

Now one thing you can do if you want to ask her out is to try this:

Step 1) Ask her what she's doing on X day. Preferably make X day sometime in the future, say a week in advance. This shows her that you'll make time for her in your "busy" schedule.

Step 2) Ask her out. Now... WORDS ARE MEANINGLESS. Its HOW you say them, and in what CONTEXT. Here's an example.

To the women: (or guys that want to pretend to be women)

Two guys walk up to you, you know them both, they're generally the same. They ask you out. Pretend it's a Tuesday afternoon.

Guy 1: Hey so, what are you doing Friday? Want to maybe... go out or something? Where would you wanna go?

Guy 2: What's up player? Hey... what are you doing say... Friday, because I know this great little spot that I found the other day, I'm thinking of going back, I think you would like it, wanna check it out?

Now in your opinion... who would you rather date? The guy that's leaving everything up to you? or... the one that seems to know what he's doing or what he wants?

I'm not telling you, nor am I saying you HAVE to be this way. I'm just saying, if you want her to see that you're a better suitor, you'll have to prove it.

_________________________
--- My mother... she said. "Heaven's on one shoulder, but baby... Hell is on the other." ---

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#340851 - 12/06/08 12:13 AM Re: What's she thinking? Do I stand any chance at all? [Re: SDG]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
Originally Posted By: SDG
......To the women: (or guys that want to pretend to be women)

Two guys walk up to you, you know them both, they're generally the same. They ask you out. Pretend it's a Tuesday afternoon.

Guy 1: Hey so, what are you doing Friday? Want to maybe... go out or something? Where would you wanna go?

Guy 2: What's up player? Hey... what are you doing say... Friday, because I know this great little spot that I found the other day, I'm thinking of going back, I think you would like it, wanna check it out?

Now in your opinion... who would you rather date? The guy that's leaving everything up to you? or... the one that seems to know what he's doing or what he wants? ...


Sorry to disappoint you, but if it were me, I'd go for number 1, who sounds polite and pleasant.

Number 2 just sounds full of himself, I'm afraid. Sorry! smile

Others may think differently, of course.
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#340919 - 12/06/08 03:28 AM Re: What's she thinking? Do I stand any chance at all? [Re: PDM]
guesswhokatysue Offline
Friend

Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 241
Loc: Maine, United States
I agree with PDM actually...
guy number one sounds sort of better, but as PDM said others may think differently

(and PDM, the situation was not resolved as speedily as it should have been, I was stuck between a rock and a hard place, but it's over now =D)

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#341009 - 12/06/08 05:55 PM Re: What's she thinking? Do I stand any chance at all? [Re: guesswhokatysue]
SDG Offline
Member

Registered: 08/08/08
Posts: 46
Loc: Texas
Yes you're right, women are all different, as are men.

I think the point I was trying to make didn't really come out the way I had originally intended though, sorry for that.

Basically, what I meant to say really was if a guy is confidant in himself, he will be successful. That's all it really takes.
_________________________
--- My mother... she said. "Heaven's on one shoulder, but baby... Hell is on the other." ---

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