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#344182 - 12/29/08 10:29 AM Re: I don't know how to deal with this anymore... [Re: kksuns]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
I agree. smile

And remember, J, that if things ever get really bad, and suicidal or violent thoughts are dragging you down, there are helplines that you can call.

I found some for you, before, in California.
Do you have those numbers to hand?
Phone them for support, if you need extra help.
You could phone them, anyway, just to get things off your chest.
We all care ~ remember that!

I think that, perhaps, the situation at home gets harder to deal with if & when you feel unsure about the relationship with your girlfriend ~ and vice versa. Is that correct?

When you are just a little bit older, I think that you will have more freedom, to spend more time with her, and less time at home.
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#344228 - 12/29/08 02:48 PM Re: I don't know how to deal with this anymore... [Re: PDM]
me3000 Offline
Regular

Registered: 12/06/08
Posts: 85
Loc: United States
i sincerely hope that the advice everyone is giving has helped...
and i hope that in this you see that all of us here really want to help you in any way possible...
please keep us updated ...
it is good that you are obviously trying to receive help...
i am truly sorry that you are going through this and i too have thought about you all night and day...
i am curiuous...
when do the yellings seem more frequent..
in early morning... around lunch.... or what?
i know that it is worse when it is just the two of you ....
and please let us know if there is anything else we can do to help

YOUR FRIEND

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#344284 - 12/29/08 06:14 PM Re: I don't know how to deal with this anymore... [Re: me3000]
Ant
Unregistered


I don't usually post here, but I just wanted to say I'm really sorry you're going through all of this. When did all this yelling start?? You know, I don't know if this is the case, but is it possible that your mom is going through, "the change of life?" This could very likely be the reason why she is yelling and screaming all the time. It usually starts when women are in their 40's and 50's, mostly 40's. In that case, if that's what it is, she's probably just yelling at you because of what she's going through. I've witnessed, "the change of life," my mom went through it and I can tell ya, it's no picnic. There was a lot of yelling, crying, screaming, complaining, etc... I thought she was loosing her mind, honestly. It took about 2-3 years for her to get back to normal, felt like a lifetime though. Now she only yells at me 20 times a day instead of 100 LOL j/k. I don't know if this is what your mom is going through, I just thought I'd mention it because it sounds very similar to what I experienced a few years ago. One minute she can be fine, next minute she'll be yelling at me for nothing like over the most ridiculous things. If I left my shoes in the dining room it would be an hour of screaming. All I kept thinking was, what's happening to my mom, I felt like I didn't know her anymore. Now I can laugh about it, but I tell ya, it wasn't funny then. If that's all it is, don't worry, it'll pass. For now, just try to be patient with her, just kinda ignore the screaming. Don't loose your temper whatever you do, anything violent towards other people and yourself is only gonna make things worst, trust me on that. I know it's extremely difficult, but just try to understand what she's going through. I hope this helps, just hang in there Jasper.

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#344287 - 12/29/08 06:21 PM Re: I don't know how to deal with this anymore... [Re: ]
*helwa
Unregistered


thats very true ant, i know when my mom went through it, it was downright horrible !!! and hers was due to a hysterectomy, so it was sudden and painful for her and sudden and stressful for me, and im the only child lol so it was just me in her line of fire and nothing i could do about it.

one minute she was loving and sweet and we were making cookies, the next i was the spawn of satan and she hated me... it did get better within 2 yrs, once she finally admitted there was a problem and got hormone supplements, now she is super again

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#347128 - 01/16/09 02:57 AM Re: I don't know how to deal with this anymore... [Re: ]
ithica256 Offline
Regular

Registered: 12/28/08
Posts: 55
I had some trouble with my parents a while back when I was younger than you. I went to counseling and felt marvelously better because I thought things were going to change. I thought my parents wouldn't be so crazy anymore. I thought they weren't going to make threats and argue at night and say terrible things that should never be said to a child. Guess what? That didn't happen. They still act crazy. They've toned down their insanity a bit, but I never know when they're going to say something awful. They've made me get rid of my budgies a few times over the years, always repealing all the 'no more pets' decrees. Ironically enough, at times the only reason I could think of not to commit suicide was so that my pets would be taken care of to my satisfaction. My parents may have failed me, but that's no reason for me to fail my pets.
The point is your mom is crazy and she will do what she will do. You have to be the one who changes. You have to take life one step at a time. Your parents have let you down and they'll do it again. You just need to try not to care about what she says. You need to react differently. I'm not saying it is ok for your mom to act as she does. It's not. It's wrong. I'm saying you can't control that, but you can control yourself.
I avoided my parents and ignored their arguments. If my mom says my dad's mad about something, who cares? What can I do about it? How will worrying help? They used to take the car away. I bought my own. They kicked me out for a few days, when they changed their minds, I refused to come back until they agreed to go to counseling. They say I can't have pets, fine, they can stay elsewhere. You need to learn how to be the one sane person in the house.
I had a counselor who also had trouble with her parents. She spent a lot of time at the library. When college came around, she had good grades and went to a college far away. She landed a job and didn't have to deal with her parents on their terms anymore. My older sister moved out too.
Something that might not work, but is worth a try is to give a misresponse. Basically, if she's yelling at you, she expects you to respond in a certain way (yell back, cry, etc.) and then she'll keep going. Don't take the bait. When my mom talks about negative things, I ignore it. I don't reward that behavior. When she talks about good things, I engage in a discussion with her. I'm not saying this will solve the problem, but maybe it'll help a little bit. Maybe, if your mom is yelling, you can act very concerned, "You sound stressed, what can I help you with?" or something else she doesn't expect. She might resist yelling because it sounds really crazy to yell at someone offering help. If she yells at you for not doing the dishes, apologize and go do them. How is she going to respond to that? At the very least she'll be confused and hopefully silent for a minute. Here's a trick I learned in counseling the phrase, "You're right." nine times out of ten gets people to SHUT UP. I read it in a book and tried it on a counselor who was telling me that I needed to do something differently. She responded, "I think I am." and moved on.
I'm sorry that you are having a difficult time, I really am. I went through it too, I still am since I still live at home. You need something healthy to get your mind off of this. Journal writing does help. Talking to people helps. I wish parents didn't do such a good job of screwing up good kids, but they know how to get you where it hurts. All you can do is develop a thicker skin and adapt.

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#347129 - 01/16/09 03:37 AM Re: I don't know how to deal with this anymore... [Re: ithica256]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
Some good ideas there Ithica256. smile


I hope that things are going better, J smile
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#354701 - 03/04/09 05:59 PM Re: I don't know how to deal with this anymore... [Re: PDM]
Babies and Birds Offline
Friend

Registered: 07/11/08
Posts: 205
I'm sorry you're going through this. I too had a similar childhood. Needless to say, I quickly found lots of out of the house activities. I babysat a lot starting at age 10, in middle school and high school I joined as many clubs as I could and joined the band too. LOL I made sure my grades were good and went away to college. I eventually moved several states away, got married, and started my own loving family. I'm still not real close w/ my family but we try not to let the past become present. It has all taught me valuble lessons and had made me the person I am now, so make it a learning experience. By all the hardships, I vowed I would be the total opposite kind of parent and wife, and I am. If you need me, pm me anytime please. I know 2 yrs. is a long time, but you'll make it kiddo! And you'll be a better person for it. smile *hugs*

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