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#345327 - 01/03/09 08:42 PM When Do I get to Have Fun???
SweetBirdies Offline
Long Time Friend

Registered: 12/17/08
Posts: 941
Loc: San Diego, CA
okay, i am going to try to keep this as short as possible, but still give an idea of what i am going thru... one thing i ask is for you all to read all before replying. thnx. crazy
here goes:

i have been married now for 8 1/2 yrs. we have been thru a WHOLE LOT thru out the 11 yrs that we have been together. we had our daughter, who is now 6 yrs old, when we were married for 2 1/2 yrs. that was a MAJOR problem to my husband. he didn't want kids til WAY later. but i do not believe in abortions if it is not ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY. so i had her. but he resents me for having her. he wasn't ready to have a child and still to this day he doesn't want to have the responsibilities. but he HAS to, so he does when he wants to.

anywayz, yrs have past since and i am currently looking for a job. it is very hard for me for some reason to land a position in Medical Billing. so the hubby is working his Navy job and another job at an auto repair shop. he works 6 days a week now. he says that he would rather be working and i take care of everything else. like taking our kid to school and picking her up. cleaning the house and making the meals. he doesn't know how to cook anyway. i also make sure the bills get paid. i tell him how much they are when they need to get paid and he gives me the money to pay them.
thru all of this, we somehow NEVER have time to go out as a couple. let alone ME TO HAVE ME TIME. i do all of the things mentioned above. and i stay home and care for our daughter 24/7 when she is not in school of course. can't forget that part, according to the hubby. i have suggested that WHEN we have money that we make time to go out together. well there is a problem. we don't have a babysitter most of the time. our family's live to far away. and the supposed friends that i have in military housing just suck. you don't know who you can and can't trust around here. so i leave them alone when it comes to watching our daughter.
anyway, most of the time we don't have any money after the bills get paid to even go anywhere. so we don't. the hubby figures on how much his stupid cigs will cost for the 2 weeks before the next paycheck and gas for us both. and of course he gives me money for food as well as the bills. but i have suggested places to go that we don't have to pay, like the beach, a park, etc. but we have to pay for gas, and if we get hungry we have to buy food. that is his come back. so i just haven't suggested anything for a while, maybe about 6 months or so now. and it just seems like when i want to do something myself it is a burden for him to watch OUR child. so there too, made me not want to ask to go have ME TIME either!!! so i don't. and yes i have talked to him about all of this and how i feel. but he says that it isn't his fault. that i should go out and meet people. i am not the type to go to LOOK for friends. so i don't do that either.

also, he was never into football till a few months ago. he is at a friends house now, watching the charger game. he told me last night that he would probably be going today. so i knew. but the thing that sux is.......... he has somewhere to go every weekend. he has friends that invite him places. he goes to parties. he has been to b-day parties for people i know too. but he doesn't invite me to go with him. so of course i have told him many times that i am upset about it. and of course he gets mad at me for making him feel guilty. i just tell myself ~ so what. i don't care. it isn't fair that he gets to go have fun and alone time and I CAN'T. it makes me feel so alone all the time.
and having depression for many yrs along with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) does not help any of it either. yes, i am getting help thru the VA for this. that is another reason i have pets, to DE-STRESS myself and not feel so lonely all the time.

i have sooo much going on in my life and in my own head that me not getting ME TIME is just so hard to deal with. and the fact that my marriage is just retarded. not having dates but 1-3 times a yr sux. i just don't know what to say to him anymore to get him to understand that the time i have alone with him means a lot to me along with the time i get alone by myself. he doesn't seem to care what i have to say about stuff like that. he says it's always my fault that this stuff doesn't happen. since i chose to have our child. i also don't have any friends to watch our child so we can go out. and it isn't his fault that we don't have any money and i don't have any for myself to go either.
it's just all xx mad


Edited by PDM (01/03/09 09:39 PM)
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#345333 - 01/03/09 09:29 PM Re: When Do I get to Have Fun??? [Re: SweetBirdies]
BLR Offline
Copper Star Soulmate

Registered: 03/06/08
Posts: 4032
Loc: NE Oklahoma
Do you eat your meals as a family? The reason I ask - you might try feeding your daughter earilier - get her occupied with something and then have dinner with your hubby. You could try setting the table like it was a date - fix his favorite dinner - have a bottle of wine - dress like it is a date, then spend the meal visiting with hubby. I am aware that puts all the work of "creating" the date on you. But if the two of you enjoy each other, mabe this will encourage him to want to go out together.

It is so easy to slip into a rut that is comfortable for one but not comfortable for the other. It sounds like that is part of what has happened. He is fine with the way things are and sees no reason to change.

Men are pretty easy creatures to coax into something if you provide the right bait.

Instead of just saying you want change - create the change.

I really do understand your frustration - and I know this is not your fault - but change has to start somewhere - and it sounds like he sees no reason for change.
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Barbara

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#345335 - 01/03/09 09:33 PM Re: When Do I get to Have Fun??? [Re: BLR]
BLR Offline
Copper Star Soulmate

Registered: 03/06/08
Posts: 4032
Loc: NE Oklahoma
I see that PDM is on - mabe she will respond - she is wonderful at accessing situations.
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Barbara

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#345339 - 01/03/09 09:43 PM Re: When Do I get to Have Fun??? [Re: BLR]
Carl Offline
Silver Star Soulmate

Registered: 05/27/06
Posts: 5173
Loc: Gator Country, Florida - USA
I think Barbara's suggestions are good. I wish I could offer some good ones, but I'm too angry at your hubby. But, at one time, that was mostly me. My wife worked at a bank, so she had an advantage when push came to shove (I don't mean that literally).

Nobody but you is going to stand up for you - at least not in that family. So, I'm thinking try some of what Barbara has suggested. If that doesn't work, I'm also wondering what's in it for you? It just doesn't seem fair, does it?

P.S. Besides not thinking about your needs and wants, and blaming you for the child you both created, I have my suspicions as to the kinds of activity that might be going on in some of the places he goes without you. Perhaps that is presumptuous of me.


Edited by Carl (01/03/09 09:46 PM)
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#345340 - 01/03/09 09:45 PM Re: When Do I get to Have Fun??? [Re: BLR]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
Originally Posted By: BLR
I see that PDM is on - mabe she will respond - she is wonderful at accessing situations.


It's a lot to take in. I was just thinking about it and reading a couple of other posts by Sweetness that might be relevant:
http://www.wineintro.com/forum/ubbthread...4985#Post344985
http://www.wineintro.com/forum/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=344291

I agree with your idea about dating at home ~ it's a start, at least smile


Edited by PDM (01/03/09 09:50 PM)
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"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#345342 - 01/03/09 09:56 PM Re: When Do I get to Have Fun??? [Re: Carl]
SweetBirdies Offline
Long Time Friend

Registered: 12/17/08
Posts: 941
Loc: San Diego, CA
okay.. i love the suggestions. altho i have tried except one thing. i don't dress up much. so it would be nice for him to see me dressed nice, other then in my usual tank and jeans. i have been told to do this before too. i just don't ever get to it.
but it would be SOOOO EASY for me to do, beings that my hubby does not like me wearing make-up or doing something to my hair that is not natural.
and YES he is soooo simple and easy to please. BUT FOR SOME REASON not so easy for me lately.
oh and. he is NOT a romantic type AT ALL. he doesn't care about all that. he even tells me that he doesn't care if he ate ramen noodles, with hot dogs cut up in it, every nite for dinner. he is pretty boring when it comes to food. and he has said he doesn't care to have a romantic setting. again, BOOORRING!!!! lol
we do eat dinner together, KINDA. lana eats at the dining table. me and hubby eat on the couch, WITH THE TV ON. that is what he wants. we use to eat at the table AS A FAMILY. for some reason it always goes back to the way we are now. and after HE is done eating he goes outside for a smoke. jno matter where we are eating, a restaurant or at home. he NEVER waits for me to finish before he gets up. even when we DO eat at the table. sometimes, once in a blue moon, he will wait for me to sit down with my food before he starts eating.

as for the changing part. i know that i have to start it all. that is what sux. he never meets me half way. i have been dealing with my depression and changing a LOT of things in myself for myself and for our relationship that i am tired of the only one changing. as i know how stubborn he is and he does tell me that he doesn't need to change. grrrrr!!! mad
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Bella

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#345343 - 01/03/09 10:06 PM Re: When Do I get to Have Fun??? [Re: PDM]
SweetBirdies Offline
Long Time Friend

Registered: 12/17/08
Posts: 941
Loc: San Diego, CA
Originally Posted By: PDM

It's a lot to take in. I was just thinking about it and reading a couple of other posts by Sweetness that might be relevant:
http://www.wineintro.com/forum/ubbthread...4985#Post344985
http://www.wineintro.com/forum/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=344291

I agree with your idea about dating at home ~ it's a start, at least smile


i looked at those posts and i don't get it hun. they are totally different situations than what i am talkin about. OR am i missing something???
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Bella

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#345344 - 01/03/09 10:25 PM Re: When Do I get to Have Fun??? [Re: PDM]
kksuns Offline
Platinum Star Soulmate

Registered: 07/29/08
Posts: 7605
Loc: upstate NY
I think BLR had good ideas too. Maybe even throw in a movie at home after your daughter goes to bed. But I also think you should go out and find friends you actually like being around. Your daughter goes to school..is there any way you can meet some of the other moms?Do you go on fieldtrips with her class or help out at school at all? You need someone you can hang with and vent to about your butthead of a husband.I know I have no right to call him a butthead but I was being nice LOL And I bet you've called him much worse! Sometimes guys can be such idiots. They think you have it made staying home and raising the kid(s). Like you do nothing all day! Yeah right! And yeah..when do you get a day off? Like NEVER! 24/7
I know, I am also a stay at home mom and have been for a looong time now. But I am very fortunate to have 3 best friends to confide in and hang out with. I must admit though that my husband has always been a great dad-better once kids were out of diapers lol But I still don't think he gets what it's like doing the same thing day after day.Keeping the house in order, all the cooking, taking care of kid, worrying about said kid when she's sick, still doing it all when YOU are sick, making sure bills are paid and try to stay within your budget... And the fact that when his work day is over..it's over, but YOURS pretty much goes on til bedtime.
Not that I regret staying home with the kids. It's what we both wanted and I'm glad we chose that route.I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat. But I do know how frustrating it is. My kids are old now and of course don't need a babysitter so I don't have to worry about that.
But your daughter is only 6 so you have a long way to go before the no babysitter age.Maybe you could get some names of good babysitters from some parents at school?
Or maybe you should just knock your husband up side the head and tell him if you don't get out of the house and have some adult time and adult conversation you are going to go totally INSANE!!!! It wouldn't kill him to "babysit"(I always hated that term when it is their own kid!) And it would be REALLY good for your daughter to have some one on one time with her dad. Kids need to feel loved by both parents and you need to get that through to him.
Sorry I'm babbling again. But hey, anytime you need to vent just PM me and you can [censored] all you want to. It really does help to vent once in a while smile
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#345349 - 01/03/09 11:20 PM Re: When Do I get to Have Fun??? [Re: kksuns]
BLR Offline
Copper Star Soulmate

Registered: 03/06/08
Posts: 4032
Loc: NE Oklahoma
I have been a stay at home mom and worked outside the home. Something that most men don't realize is that when they are at work they have ME time. When you are home with kid and dirty dishes there is no ME time. Gather yourself up some ME time. Volunteer, there are a lot of organizations that can use half a day or a couple half days a week. Take some classes, just do something. Believe it or not – the more you do the more time you will have. Plus the fact it is wonderful having something you are looking forward to.
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Barbara

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#345350 - 01/03/09 11:28 PM Re: When Do I get to Have Fun??? [Re: kksuns]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
Here's my offering.
It's long ~ but I hope that it is also helpful:

Originally Posted By: SweetNess1
i have been married now for 8 1/2 yrs. we have been thru a WHOLE LOT thru out the 11 yrs that we have been together.

To be together for 11 years ~ and married for 8 and a half of them ~ is quite an achievement in itself. It should indicate that something is working well.
On the other hand, it can lead to laziness in a relationship, where one or other party (or both) feels that they no longer have to work at it. This can result in romance disappearing, even if love still exists.
Quote:
..we had our daughter, who is now 6 yrs old, when we were married for 2 1/2 yrs. that was a MAJOR problem to my husband. he didn't want kids til WAY later. but i do not believe in abortions if it is not ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY. so i had her. but he resents me for having her. he wasn't ready to have a child and still to this day he doesn't want to have the responsibilities. but he HAS to, so he does when he wants to.

Difficult one.
A lot of men are not that keen to start a family. Many are, but many are not. My Dad wasn't too bothered, yet he lived for his family once we came along. My husband wasn't too keen, either ~ so I said that I would look after them, but he loves his kids & of course, he does look after them.
The difference is that my parents agreed to start a family early and my husband & I agreed to start ours later.

In your case, your husband had not agreed to start a family, at all, so he is still angry & resentful.

However, he fathered this child. It is half his.

I suppose the important thing, regarding conception, is whether you tricked him into making you pregnant, or if the child just came along in spite of contraceptives. If you had deliberately deceived him, then his resentment would be understandable. Even then, though, the decision should be a joint one ~ not just his alone.

Men often feel pushed aside, though, by their partner's love for, and involvement with, the children. They realise that the child needs to be cared for, but that doesn't alter the fact that they married a woman, for love and affection, and ended up with a wife, who cares more about someone else.

Either way, you now have a six-year-old daughter and he only takes responsibility for her if and when he feels in the mood.
Is it possible that it is not just resentment of the child that makes him feel like this, but resentment at his need to work 6 days per week?

Does he feel exhausted at being the sole wage-earner, and then having to take an interest in a child who exhausts him?

Does the thought of then going on 'a date' with you seem unnecessarily tiring?

The attitude to his daughter is worrying, whatever the reason.
Your daughter must be aware of her father's resentment and that cannot be good for her.

Is he actually unpleasant towards her, when he is feeling resentful?

Is it good for her to be left in his care in these circumstances?
You said elsewhere:
Quote:
unfortunately for our daughter her mom and dad are both stubborn and leaders. so she has it real bad. never wants to listen. wants to be in control all the time. and just drives us up the wall on a daily basis. well, at least 6 days out of 7. lol. she is very smart and bright.

Bright, strong kids are rewarding but hard-going ~ especially if the parents are tired and stressed. My husband and I found this very, very hard.

At 6, how far is she allowed to dominate the household ('be in control')? Is her strong personality and childish energy too much for her tired dad to deal with?

Is this made worse by her trying over-hard to get the attention of a father who resents her presence?

Quote:
.. he works 6 days a week now. he says that he would rather be working and i take care of everything else. like taking our kid to school and picking her up. cleaning the house and making the meals. he doesn't know how to cook anyway. i also make sure the bills get paid. i tell him how much they are when they need to get paid and he gives me the money to pay them.

He is doing a full-time job ~ out at work ~ and you are doing a full-time job as a home-maker.
This is the same pattern that my Mum & Dad followed and the same one my husband and I have followed. I have stayed home and been a full-time Mum. It is what I wanted, and what I felt my children deserved, though it has not always been easy, especially when I had post-natal depression. My Mum was a full-time mum, too, and my Dad felt that his place was at work and hers, while we were children, was in the home. She agreed. It doesn't suit everyone, but I think that it is fair on all parties. All are working; all are contributing.
Quote:
... we somehow NEVER have time to go out as a couple.

My husband & I always went out together, as a couple, on Saturday evenings, when our children were young. My Mum and Dad loved babysitting, so they looked after the children, while we went on dates. Is there no-one you can trust with your daughter?
Certainly I would never leave my children with anyone I didn't know well & trust implicitly.
Quote:
let alone ME TO HAVE ME TIME. i do all of the things mentioned above. and i stay home and care for our daughter 24/7 when she is not in school of course.

Sometimes, mothers work very hard, every day, doing (repeating) household work that could actually be left for a while longer.

If you could find some time, every day, when your daughter is in school, you could take up a hobby ~ even if it was only flower-pressing. Your daughter might enjoy that too!
Perhaps you could go to an adult education class, or the cinema, or the library, or a bird club. You might find some good friends.
Quote:
... anyway, most of the time we don't have any money after the bills get paid to even go anywhere. ... i have suggested places to go that we don't have to pay, like the beach, a park, etc. but we have to pay for gas, and if we get hungry we have to buy food. that is his come back.

Is there somewhere closer that doesn't require lots of fuel?
Couldn't you take a picnic?

Is he giving genuine reasons, or making excuses?

Does he actually want to spend time with you?
Does he still love you & enjoy your company?
Is he too tired to go out on his one day off?
Does he think that, at the beach or the park, you will play with your daughter and just use him as a taxi-driver?
Quote:
... he says that it isn't his fault. that i should go out and meet people. i am not the type to go to LOOK for friends. so i don't do that either.

..... he is at a friends house now, watching the charger game. he told me last night that he would probably be going today. so i knew. but the thing that sux is.......... he has somewhere to go every weekend. he has friends that invite him places. he goes to parties. he has been to b-day parties for people i know too. but he doesn't invite me to go with him.

Well, as for going out with friends, my husband has always done that, too. He plays football regularly ~ and matches are followed by a trip to the pub. Our eldest son joins him now! Sometimes he has works events to go to, and I am not always included. It's just the way it is.

However, personal invites to parties, which don't include the wife, sound a bit odd to me. Who would do that?!

We spend a lot of time together, but he spends time with his friends, too. It usually works out fine. He, too, has suggested that I make more friends, but I agree that it's not that easy.

However, I have old friends from school, university & work, though, and I have relatives, so I do go out with them & when the children were younger I chatted to the other school mums a lot. I also study at ~ and have taught ~ adult education classes, where I meet new people. Are these possibilities for you, too?
Quote:
... he was never into football till a few months ago ...

You asked why I thought that the posts I referred to were relevant.

It is because you said: 'i know that some ppl find out later in life how they feel about their own sexuality. i know myself being 30 just realized that i am also attracted to the same sex. have not made a move on it tho. my hubby knows and does not care if i do. but of course i only want to be with him. he would accept me however i want to be. bi or straight. we would not divorce over it.'

I think that if a man realises that his wife is attracted to other people, it is going to affect him ~ more than he acknowledges.

It threatens who he is; his virility; his raison d'etre.
If he finds out that she is sometimes attracted to women, it might make him question his own masculinity.

So he might become more macho ~ watching football games with the lads and going to parties, 'as a single chap', etc.
Quote:
have not made a move on it tho. my hubby knows and does not care if i do

He does not care if you have a relationship with someone else?
Are you sure that he is dealing with this as well as you think he is?
Most men wouldn't.
Is he covering up his shock & confusion, or does he really not care, because, perhaps, he is not interested and is attracted to other people ~ and hopes that you won't care if he, himself, 'makes a move'?
Quote:
... he gets mad at me for making him feel guilty. i just tell myself ~ so what. i don't care. it isn't fair that he gets to go have fun and alone time and I CAN'T. it makes me feel so alone all the time.
and having depression for many yrs along with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) does not help any of it either. yes, i am getting help thru the VA for this. that is another reason i have pets, to DE-STRESS myself and not feel so lonely all the time.

I know that my husband found it extremely hard to cope ~ with me and our child ~ when I was suffering from post-natal depression and PTSD. It was then ~ when I felt that I needed him most ~that he was least able to cope with a child, long working hours and my health problems. He probably spent more time with friends then, than at any other time, because he needed them in order to de-stress.

Quote:
i have sooo much going on in my life and in my own head that me not getting ME TIME is just so hard to deal with. and the fact that my marriage is just retarded. not having dates but 1-3 times a yr sux. i just don't know what to say to him anymore to get him to understand that the time i have alone with him means a lot to me along with the time i get alone by myself. he doesn't seem to care what i have to say about stuff like that. he says it's always my fault that this stuff doesn't happen. since i chose to have our child. i also don't have any friends to watch our child so we can go out. and it isn't his fault that we don't have any money and i don't have any for myself to go either.

May I suggest relationship counselling.
I think that you may both need it if this is to work.

Do you love him?
Does he love you?
Do you both love your child?
Do you both want this to work?

If so, you all need help before this downward spiral rushes out of control.



I hope thst some of this helps.

It is just my response to what you have posted, and I may have misunderstood some of the things that you have described.

Think it all over well, though.

Good luck!! smile
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"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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