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#345382 - 01/04/09 05:55 AM Re: When Do I get to Have Fun??? [Re: PDM]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
Some things I meant to add.

I can understand a man feeling that he is not ready to be a father, or that fatherhood may negatively affect his relationship with his wife, or that it will involve a lot of hard work in order to be able to pay the bills, but I don't think that any husband should expect his wife to abort their unborn child - especially if mother & baby are both healthy.

Was he a happier, more attentive, man before the pregnancy?

Is it possible that he is suffering from depression, stress or exhaustion?




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"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#346143 - 01/09/09 12:05 PM Re: When Do I get to Have Fun??? [Re: PDM]
SweetBirdies Offline
Long Time Friend

Registered: 12/17/08
Posts: 941
Loc: San Diego, CA
i think that he IS suffering from depression himself. but he HATES doctors. he WILL NOT go to counseling for himself or for marriage counseling either. he is VERY stubborn when it comes to doctors. he would rather go each day acting like nothing is wrong and stay that way.
that goes for his exhaustion as well. he ALWAYS acts like he is ready for anything. he seems to have so much energy too. our daughter has a lot of energy as well, but he never takes some of it to good use with her. unlike myself, i have NO energy most days. but i am working on that myself. I AM seeing doctors to help myself with my problems. have been now for almost 3 years.

as for the attention before i got pregnant... yes he was and he wasn't attentive to me. he was so into going to car shows and working on vehicles. when i got pregnant, and was about 7 months along he would sometimes go to his friends shop and help him with vehicles until midnight. once he even stayed until 5 am. becuz someone wanted to have their vehicle ready for a car show the following weekend. i know that was sooo wrong of him, and i let him know how i felt. but he didn't care. becuz he PROMISED the friend that he would help with the truck a couple weeks before that.

i do have to give my hubby some credit tho. he DOES come home and stay for a little bit before going to his second job... well, not a job he HAS to be at everyday. he is just doing the guy a favor buy working there when he gets off work from the navy. they close at 6pm, so it isn't too bad. he is home for dinner most nights. and they work half day on saturdays. yes we need the money, so i don't mind him going to work there. and it is only a 5 minute drive from home.

on the other hand, it does suck for me to have to pretty much raise our daughter alone. that is the way it feels at least.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i will reply to the stuff above too. just soo much to respond about there. hehe


Edited by SweetNess1 (01/09/09 12:06 PM)
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#346152 - 01/09/09 01:00 PM Re: When Do I get to Have Fun??? [Re: PDM]
SweetBirdies Offline
Long Time Friend

Registered: 12/17/08
Posts: 941
Loc: San Diego, CA
yes, we have been thru a lot and worked thru it all. you have no idea. we have been thru the WORSE things that a couple with a child would want to go thru. i just want to keep that stuff private tho. we have been able to work thru all that and DO still love each other very much. altho i can see the LAZINESS part in him. he doesn't want to go out anymore. he says he DOES but never makes plans to. he gets money almost everyday from the guy he works for near our home. he gets CASH from that guy. so we DO/he does have money. it just sux to hear him say that he DOENS'T think about doing stuff with me UNTIL he comes home. he said that while he is at work or on his way home, he doesn't think about doing things with me. how retarded is that. makes me feel really special. lol. but then he says that i should make plans and let him know what i want to do. how ion the world can i do that when i don't know what his schedule is? or if i don't know how much money he has? ya know...... grrrrr, i get so frustrated over that.

the part about having a child and such... he doesn't seem to resent her at all. he just doesn't always want to have anything to do with her when she does want to have time with him. and 98% of the time it is when i am home, since i am home pretty much 24/7. i don't do much that requires him to care for her alone. he doesn't seem to want to care fro her when i need to do things that i would rather not have her there for. such as certain appointments. some i just CAN NOT take her to anyway. he doesn't mind the ones that I HAVE to leave her home for. he is just so confusing to me. ggrrrr... but he doesn't seem to treat our daughter bad for any of these reasons. he is very good with her, when he IS around her. and she DOES sometimes ask why daddy isn't home a lot. other times she doesn't even notice becuz her and i are busy doing things or she is hangin at the park behind out house with the neighborhood kids. YES she does know that he has to work a lot too. she gets upset about it sometimes, but i console her and she is fine.
honestly, i try to show him JUST as much attention that i show her. i ask him to watch a movie with me and just spend quality time while she is asleep. we even do the other things that a married couple do. that side is actually getting back to normal again. so that is not a problem, as far as i know.

him working 6 days a week is HIS CHOICE. he does not have signed papers saying his IS working for this guy everyday that the shop is open. altho i can not say HE DOESN'T, becuz i DON'T know that. i do know that my husband can go and leave as he pleases tho. and if i DO need him the guy will not tell him he HAS to stay til closing. i know the guy as well. he is a friend of ours father. but no matter what, the hubby HAS TOLD ME plenty of times that he would RATHER be the one working. he does not mind that he has to bring in all the money. he would rather have it that way. so he can't take that out on me. i have been trying to find a job. am suppose to start helping one of my friends family here soon. hoping next week. their mom lost both her legs to diabetes and needs help around the house and other things. so they want me to help her, and they pay me, during the hours that my daughter is school. that would also help me to have other adult interaction and bring in a little money each week. i would also get paid cash each week. we will see when it starts.

as for him resenting our daughter, i don't think he resents her. i think he still resents me. i think he holds the grudge towards me, not her at all. he actually handles her better than me most of the time. i get so exhausted myself having to care for her constantly. she does act out sometimes too. at the wrong times of course. but, she HAS NO run of the household. she knows her limits. she NEVER gets her way. i can't let her do that. if she got her way, she would be so wild all the time. she isn't all that bad. she does have her days that exhaust me and her dad, but that is normal for a kid, i do know. but she will never walk all over her parents. she does get her timeouts when she deserves to be punished.

as fro me and the hubby going out, again the same as stated above. that is a task in itself. there is really only 1 person around her that we could get to watch our daughter. but that couple has 5 kids of their own and never get time alone themselves. i do ask her to watch our daughter once in a while, when i REALLY need her to watch her. she said she WOULD watch my kid if i ask. but she seems to ALWAYS be sick or have an excuse for everything. so i just quit asking for her help. so there really is NOBODY else. neither my hubby or myself have family near by. and there is NOBODY that he knows of course that could help us. go figure.

the thing about me being attracted to other women, he says that he DOES NOT care. he would LOVE for me to be with another woman in front of him. what man wouldn't want to see that. he is a weirdo when it comes to that stuff. but i told him that i WOULD NOT do it. i am married to him and ONLY HIM. i DID ask him what he felt about it all. he seriously was NOT bothered by it. i could tell in his face, he really didn't care. in a way that is weird i know. but he has told me for many years, that he would LOVE to see me with another woman. then i thought is was totally gross. but i can understand it know after talking to him. altho he sure could be covering it up pretty good, only he knows that. but no matter what i love him too much to go outside our marriage like that. i couldn't do it. i do know he loves me too. he has been showing me more and more, but slowly.
i am not sure what else we can do. no matter what i suggest that we COULD do he seems to think of something else to say about it. the beach thing, he doesn't like to go becuz he doesn't like to be in the sun and he doesn't like the sand. so that frustrates me to the max. our daughter and i would LIVE on the beach if we could, hahaha. but he doesn't like picnics or anything romantic either. he doesn't want to go the movies becuz it is cheaper to wait for them to be on video for us to watch at home. what a goof ball huh?... and everything else i want to try to do, bowling, go out to dinner, walk at the lake, whatever it may be, he DOES have some excuse as to why he doesn't like or doesn't want to do the things. mad so you see my frustration. it does seem like he doesn't want to do anything with me most of the time. and i have told him that and ask about it. he says i am wrong. SURE WHATEVER DUDE!!! then why wouldn't he MAKE an effort to do things with me. instead of sit on the couch and watch t.v. or do bedroom stuff, ya know??? and there is NO reason that we wouldn't be able to do things on sundays, his day off. becuz he ALWAYS has something to do everyday. he goes to the swapmeet or to the junkyard with his buddy. so i will not take any excuse he has to give me, unless he is really sick, in the hospital or is working. we do have 3 vehicles, 2 working. so there is NO good excuse for him. it is hard to think that maybe he IS making excuses to NOT go out with me. but i usually ask him about that and he comes up with other things to say. his favorite is... YOU MAKE SOME PLANS AND FIND A SITTER THEN WE WILL GO OUT... ggrrrrrrr!!!!!! i am tired of it.

in fact, today he went to work at the auto shop, since he is OFF work for the navy today. left at 7am and will most likely will not be home until just after 6pm. frustration, AGAIN!!!

i really just need to find time to sit down and let him know how serious i am about all this. we are still young and have a LOT of good years ahead of us, with out child as well. i am tired of wasting them so far. that's all there is to it i guess.
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Bella

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#346302 - 01/10/09 08:18 PM Re: When Do I get to Have Fun??? [Re: SweetBirdies]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
How about getting him to write a list of things he actually would enjoy doing with you ~ not including the other woman thing ~ and the times when he is free.

Warn him that this is serious and you will plan something, so he has to mean it, and he must not have overworked with his friend so that he is exhausted.

Then plan something for your family & see how it goes.

smile
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#346643 - 01/13/09 12:27 AM Re: When Do I get to Have Fun??? [Re: PDM]
SweetBirdies Offline
Long Time Friend

Registered: 12/17/08
Posts: 941
Loc: San Diego, CA
good idea... i will talk to him about trying that....

thnx again for your suggestions PDM.

take care
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Bella

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#360483 - 04/09/09 06:37 AM Re: When Do I get to Have Fun??? [Re: SweetBirdies]
Fabutam Offline
Long Time Friend

Registered: 06/20/06
Posts: 653
Loc: England
Geez! SO much to read! and respond to! So I won't! LOL! wink
OK... It sounds alot like my life! although you have been traveling that road alot longer than I.

Have you spoken to him about your unhappiness? Does he have a clue how you feel?
Men are simple beings, if you do not tell him he does not know.


STOP doing everything!! Enough is enough, if your man will not talk things through with you then stop. It will show him what you do for him, for your family.
Stop feeding him. Stop the meals. No beer (if he drinks) on the shopping... until he talks it through with you.


Your daughter goes to school? What do you do when she is out there? He is at work in the day? Do you run around all day tidying the house? Ironing his clothing?

Do you have Skype? We could start a conversation between a few of us stay at home mother's and all natter to each other online... but be able to look each other in the eyes really does feel like you have visitors! Hummm.....



"The research by Elaine D. Eaker, published in Psychosomatic Medicine, found that more men than women had a tendency to bottle up their feelings during confrontations with their partners"

"When a man goes to a rest-room, he usually goes for one reason and one reason only. Women use rest-rooms as social lounges and therapy rooms. Women who go to a rest-rooms as strangers can come out best friends and lifelong buddies. Everyone would be instantly suspicious of the man, however, who calls out, "Hey Frank, I'm going to the toilet - wanna come with me?"

Men dominate TV remote controls and flick through the channels; women don't mind watching the commercials.

Under pressure, men drink alcohol/smoke and invade other countries; women eat chocolate and go shopping.

Women criticize men for being insensitive, uncaring , not listening, not being warm and compassionate, not talking, not giving enough love, not being committed to relationships, wanting to have sex rather than making love, and leaving the toilet seat up.

Men criticize women about their driving (ops!!!) , for not being able to read street directories, for turning maps upside down, for their lack of a sense of direction, for talking too much without getting to the point, for not initiating sex often enough and for leaving the toilet seat down.

Men are amazed how a woman can't see a red flashing oil light on the car dashboard but can spot a dirty sock in a dark corner 50 meters away. Women are bewildered by men who can consistently parallel park a car in a tight spot using a rear-vision mirror, but can never find the G-spot.

If woman is out driving and gets lost, she'll stop and ask for directions. To a man, this is a sign of weakness. He'll drive round in circles for hours, muttering things like, "I've found a new way to get there" or "I'm in the general area" and "Hey, I recognize that petrol station!"

And so on...."

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#360492 - 04/09/09 09:49 AM Re: When Do I get to Have Fun??? [Re: Fabutam]
kksuns Offline
Platinum Star Soulmate

Registered: 07/29/08
Posts: 7605
Loc: upstate NY
lol
Elaine D Eaker sure has most of our guys pegged doesn't she?
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#360563 - 04/09/09 06:08 PM Re: When Do I get to Have Fun??? [Re: kksuns]
SweetBirdies Offline
Long Time Friend

Registered: 12/17/08
Posts: 941
Loc: San Diego, CA
well, a few months have passed. i do appreciate your opinion. i have talked to a couple of people who have helped me thru all that drama.

here's an update....
my husband is BETTER with me. we have talked things thru a couple times. i told him that he HAS TO tell me when something is wrong and i will do the same so that we can work things thru TOGETHER. so far so good.

as for our daughter... you got it... when she is in school i am cleaning, doing laundry, going to my own appointments and running errands. it is a never ending battle to keep the house clean and keep up with laundry. a mothers/wives work is never done. i am okay with that tho. i chose this life.
i also have my 2 birds to take care of, along with keep me company during the day. they keep me busy as well of course.

so all in all, things are good now. i just need spring break to be over already. our daughter is driving us crazy. LOL.

again, thnx got the concern. take care.


Edited by SweetNess1 (04/09/09 06:08 PM)
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Bella

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#360695 - 04/10/09 09:40 PM Re: When Do I get to Have Fun??? [Re: SweetBirdies]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
Glad things are improving! smile
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"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#360714 - 04/10/09 11:13 PM Re: When Do I get to Have Fun??? [Re: PDM]
baby blue Offline
Soulmate

Registered: 03/24/09
Posts: 2161
Loc: alberta, canada
don't worry, be happy...but DON'T let someone turn you into a doormat. been there done it...not a good scene!
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