RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Organizing and Cleaning Generational debt: Curse

It seems to be a curse to me, either in mindset or whatever, or being in debt. I tried to avoid it myself by totally avoiding credit cards (successfully!) but then I had to go get sick and end up with a 18k medical bill with no hope of ever paying!

But besides the specifics, how does one get over this? One is raised in a family that is always scraping by and always in some sort of debt. We may have hope for a better career as being college grads, but do we really? I wonder if I'm just really naive in thinking "it'll get better" or that the bills will just go away. But I'm in no better medical condition, and either I keep getting sicker or the bills keep piling up.

My only mode of stress reduction has been drinking and smoking, not healthy and the hubbie hates it. I over-drink when I do, and smoking at all just isn't wise. But there's no escape, few friends to vent to, and the stress gets worse. On top of MY debt, my parents are in a free-fall and I worry about them terribly.

I thought about getting counseling, and I mentioned to hubbie that I feel the need for "help." He's the psychologist though, and I think the thought of his wife needing therapy is a little troubling. Then again, can't afford it anyway!

So as the forum topic describes, reducing stress and living a happier life.. how does one do so and can one always..?

I don't know if I can answer because I'm going through my own personal struggles.
I lost my job 2 years ago and haven't been able to get another. I'm fortunate that my husband has a good job, but how good is good? I'm in my 50's with a 30 year mortgage and wondering if I will be able to keep my house.
My health is fair and I'm constantly worrying about my husband. As the breadwinner, everything falls on him and he's not that healthy. So, I wonder will I be able to stay in my current house, help my kids and future grandkids? My friends seem to be doing so much better than hubby and I and I'm envious. HOw do I cope, I don't think I do. I find myself drinking more, having anxiety attacks and not sleeping. So you see Niki, it doesn't get easier as you get older.

If you feel you need help, see a counselor, it always helps to talk to someone.

Marge and I have gone through a lot of troubles since 2002, and are still doing so. My Mother is in the hospital again, and my Mom-in-law is now living with us - recuperating from a broken femur and a broken collar bone. In addition, my calico Princess cat still has an inch and a half diameter place to the right of her spine at the very rear of her back that has not yet regrown skin and fur. We've been doing wound care every two to three days, and have spent over $3000 since December, 2006 - money that we really cannot afford.

Marge's and my website has a page about Marge's journey with ITP - a blood disorder. Somehow we were able to get financing to put a manufactured home on the five acres I had bought with 401K money several years back. Nonetheless, with all the medical debt, we had to declare bankruptcy.

And yet, I am still learning - what seems like there is no way out, will be seen by me next year as having worked out - perhaps not just as I would have wanted, but not in total disaster, either.

I am learning to trust God, and I am learning to live in the moment.

Yet, I am human enough to worry. In fact, I probably worry more about the small details than I do about the big things.

I agree with Lady Di - see a counselor if you need to. No disgrace, I think, and if any think that, then they are not really your friends, anyway.

I don't mean to be insulting, but it troubles me that a psychologist would be bothered by your wanting help!

I don't think it really troubles him, it's my assumption. I think it bothers him in a general fashion that I'd be so distressed. I told him I've had destructive thoughts, I just don't think he believes that I'm doing that bad.

But I guess everyone's going through their financial distress with the way the country is now. I'm lucky Steve has a job, and maybe I was stupid for quitting mine, I don't know. I'm not as bad off as the majority of people/families..

Niki, I think it's natural to be down and worried, but to say that you've had destructive thoughts is extremely upsetting.
Whatever is really bothering you, please oh please talk to your husband and let him know how you feel. MAKE HIM LISTEN. Please talk to someone. Everyone has problems. On this website there are people who are living day to day wondering how they are going to survive. Don't think you're alone in this.

Hi Niki

Do you have any idea what in particular is getting you down?

Sometimes we feel really down because of specific problems.

Sometimes we are suffering from clinical depression.

Sometimes it's a mixture of the two.

If you need counselling, then it could help to prevent more problems down the line ~ a sort of investment in future good health.

The current global recession is a huge worry for everyone. I think that your system of having to pay for medical treatment is a very unfortunate one, but, presumably, it's one you all have to cope with.

Meanwhile, learn some relaxion methods.

Lie still and relax every muscle in turn ~ slowly.

Do some deep breathing exercises.

Slap the wall, with a wrung-out wet towel.

Scream.

Punch a pillow.

Go for a run or a cycle ride (somewhere safe)

Talk about it.

Take care!

I can't respond accurately right now cause hubbie and I are fighting. =/ On the third day now. I have no where to escape in this house. No where to go outside of it with no money and no metro card or car (gotta love suburbs of nyc). So I'm exceptionally upset. I would at least buy cigs and walk around the park, but no money and he'd throw a fit if I went out walking by myself.

Niki, despite our tiffs in the Religious Research section, I care about you. Do you need to go to a shelter?

Thanks Carl. But no, my husband would never lay a finger on me. Yell at me like an immature idiot and ignore me while I cry myself to sleep, maybe.

I agree with the people saying that counseling could be a great idea. I had been seeing a therapist myself for two weeks before I went on vacation and the one thing I learned is that you can let yourself go. I sometimes yelled and screamed at him, but they always accepted it.

Debt wise I would say that in hard times like these the one thing is you have to stick together. I use to personal train at an everyday gym but lost a lot of clients because of their economic problems. I made the decision and switched to training athletes and the payoff is rewarding. The one thing that kept me going was my girlfriend and her family. Sometimes you might need to make a career change or do some odd jobs or hobbies for money.

Do you have any hobbies that can possibly earn extra cash? I do mixed martial arts and I know of several amateur fighters who only fight so they can earn money to pay the bills.

Niki, I hope things get better for you dear!

I too have been very stressed about debt. My parents were both ruined by debt in their twenties. When they divorced, my dad filed for bankruptcy, my mom didn't. Both have been doing badly since. Neither owns their home, my dad is deep in dbt again and my mom cant even open a bank account. I swore I would never end up that way. I have 3 credut cards now, and a total of almost $1,300.00 credit card debt. I guess its not so bad compared to a lot of people, but for me its really scary. And I really dont use the cards for extravagant or frivilous things - thats the food on my family's table. In addition, my uncle has loaned me $3,500.00 in the past two years, $1,700 of which I still owe and I havent been able to pay himat all lately. I am behind on some of my bills, too. Im hoping for a good tax refund so I can pay off some of this mountain of debt. I'm only 18 years old for God's sake!

Earlier this year I was doing a lot better. My boyfriend and I got an apartment in September, and he was laid off his job 2 days into the move . To compensate, I had to leave my job (which I loved) and take a higher paying job that I dont like. My boyfriend watches my daughter durign the day because daycare is almost as much as my rent. Once spring comes, he should have his job back (construction) and we plan on working to pay off soem debt and save up money to buy a house within the next year or two.

The whole point of my long story is that we work together. There are times when I wish I could stay home, and he wishes he could be out being the breadwinner, but after a lot of fighting and problems due to his depression, we have both found that helping and supporting each other is getting us through this hard time. Sure, its difficult, but in the end, what is really important? You, your health, you well being, and the health and well being of the ones you love. If you and your husband can work together on this, instead of fighting, you will find you are a lot happier and that the glass may begin to look half full again.

Is there any way you can get a part time job? How is your health? May I ask what it is that is wrong? Is there anything you could do from home? Even a hobby, as someone else suggested, may help you feel better, and if you are doing better, it will most likely improve yoru relationship with your husband. Please let us know how it is going, and you can always PM me if you need to talk to someone.

Take care.

Maggie

Thanks Maggie, that actually really brightened my day. I was afraid to look back at this topic really and that helped.

I'm not sure what's wrong with me health wise. I have chronic anemia that doesn't seem to go away, but they can't test to find out why because those tests would cost too much and I don't have the insurance for the treatment anyway! I have lazy T-cells also. I think I'm on top of the anemia right now because of the blood transfusion, but it's so hard to keep up on!

I am taking an online course to learn Medical Transcription which I am so thrilled about. My mother and grandmother do it, and all think it will be great for me because of my typing speed. However it will be a few months before that training is done, and cost us 2k. I was thinking of just doing another cashier job until that pulls through.... but I've done SO many years of cashiering I just might go insane if I do it again. I'm good at it, and can promote myself quite quickly though... so I think I just might do it.

I have to call the hospital too... they told me something about a sliding scale charge then never got back to me. But I have calling creditors and collections, they make you feel like xxxx, they want to know EVERYTHING about your life, and I just don't feel up to it.

I also have 360+ poems I've written that my husband tells me I should try to publish. But simply don't know how and think it might cost more than it's worth. Who buys poetry anymore anyway?

I buy poetry! I love poetry! Maybe you should enter in a writing contest! You can find them online alot. I used to do it a lot in highschool. Some of them offer cash prizes too!

Im glad to hear that I could help. Also, if your so quick at typing, couldnt you get a secretary kind of job, even part time? I got my first secretary job with essentially no experience, and now I'm working for a law firm as a legal assistant. Even if its not what you want to do forever, its worth a shot. Also,you should check into the hosptials sliding scale. It really might be worth it. You could also check into your state's health programs, depending on how much your family's income is, you might be eligible for medical assistance or something. Every state is different, so its worth checking into. I know here in Maryland, they have a pretty good program, especially for children and pregnant women.

I hope things start looking up with your health, and you relationship with your husband. You both really need each other and if a relationship can survive tough financial times, IMO, it can survive anything. Money problems bring out the worst in everyone!

Maggie, you give good advice. I'm glad you're here on this board.

Awwww Thanks Carl. This board has given me a lot of good advice, so I try to help out too, when I can. I love being here too! Ive gotten to meet a lot of great people here!