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#405199 - 10/11/10 11:38 PM I need some help
TonyDaniels Offline
New Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 2
This is really complicated but just try to keep an open mind. I started dating my girlfriend a year ago. Three weeks into the relationship we were truly in love. On our two month I knew that I wanted to marry her and she agreed. Because of her age, she was not yet able to get married, so we make bracelet's promising to be with the other forever. I was concerned she would not truly commit or that she didn't understand the commitment. She said over and over she understood it meant forever. After six months we lost our virginity. I had no religious problem with this because I truly felt I was married to her and considered her my wife. We called each other husband and wife and I thought everything was great. Lately, she has seemed a bit distant, and I asked her about it. Today, less than a week from our anniversary she tells me she isn't sure she wants to be with me. Not only that but she admits she never considered us married, but that she went along because she believed we would get there. She told me she no longer wants me to call her my wife and doesn't know if she ever will want to marry me.

So here I am. She was my entire life, and my only reason for living. And it turns out everything I thought I knew was a lie. I still want to be with her, to maybe get her to actually feel the same. But it's really fragile right now. What do I do? I know this is the one I chose to marry, and by my believe I have to stay with her forever no matter what. But if she feels this way where does that leave me? Do I try and make things work? I still love her and want her to be with me. But she has lied so many times about this how can I trust her? If she leaves, I'll be alone for the rest of my life.

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#405202 - 10/12/10 02:00 AM Re: I need some help [Re: TonyDaniels]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
Hello Tony. smile

You don't give your ages, except to say that about a year ago she was too young to marry. So does that make her around 16ish now? And how about you? A little older perhaps?

When you are in your teens, emotions are heightened because of hormones, etc. It is very easy to fall in love or, at least, to believe that you are in love ~ but this may or may not not be the long-term kind of love that usually results in a successful marriage.

It can, of course. I know people who met at 15 and are still happily married in their late 50s. My husband & I met in our teens and are still together in our 50s (but we didn't marry til we were into our twenties) but this is unusual.

After two months you may have wanted to marry, but that doesn't mean that it would have been a good idea to do so. Even though there are people who meet in their teens, and hope to stay together and succeed in doing so wouldn't usually plan definitely to get married at such a young age.

So, neither of you was unusual in falling deeply in love, or believing yourselves to be in love, or believing that you would love each other for ever and get married and live happily ever after.

However, the fairy tale ending does not usually work out for most young couples. People grow up and change and grow apart ~ and, often, one party is left feeling heartbroken. This happens all of the time ~ to the extent that I would call it the norm. It is a learning experience and the pain will eventually ease.

It is not surprising that she has acted as she has, because it is so commonplace. You were play acting at being married ~ it wasn't real. You are not married. It was something that you both hoped would happen one day ~ but it probably won't, because you are growing up and apart.

Of course, it is possible that you will grow together again, but don't pressure her into saying something that she doesn't actually feel. No-one can help falling in love or falling out of love. It just happens.

If keeping your virginity until marriage was something you feel / felt that you ought to have done, then really that is what you should have done. But you didn't and you cannot turn back time. You loved / love her and it felt right, so do not start feeling guilty about it now, but continue to feel that she was a special partner to you, just as a wife would have been ~ even if the relationship turns out to be coming to an end.

It's not that everything was a lie, Tony. It's not that you cannot trust her. In these circumstances it is just that people mature and change ~ that is a truth. Of course, if you love her and the relationship is ending then this will feel terrible for you. You will have to grieve for it. But you can come through this and find your true soul mate.

I don't know what your religion is, but I don't think that anyone's beliefs should force them to live with someone whom they do not love or who doesn't love them. To me, a morally good relationship is between two people who love and trust each other; not between two people who feel that they have to stay together because they once loved each other, or thought that they did, and decided to sleep together at a young age.

Have a chat with her and see where things really stand between you.
Find out how she really feels.
Be open to the fact that she may be changing and her feelings may be changing too.
Maybe she just felt pressured into accepting a relationship which became too serious too quickly.

You may be able to work this out, but, either way, it is better to know the truth.

Good luck smile
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#405213 - 10/12/10 09:39 PM Re: I need some help [Re: PDM]
TonyDaniels Offline
New Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 2
Well that wasn't keeping a very open mind. Anyway, since I can't figure out how to delete this, just ignore it. I guess I'm on the wrong forum.

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#405216 - 10/12/10 10:33 PM Re: I need some help [Re: TonyDaniels]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
I am sorry Tony. I really do not understand what you mean by that.

I feel that I have a reasonably open mind ~ perhaps you misunderstood me. What did you hope to see?

I tried to work out what may have happened, how it may turn out, how you could respond and how best I might be able to help you with the situation. You may yet receive other replies. smile

Whatever you do has to be your choice, but not keeping an open mind? ~ I'm sorry if you feel offended ~ that certainly isn't what I intended and I seriously do not understand why you feel this way, but, as I said, I do wish you luck with this.
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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