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#405639 - 10/26/10 03:58 AM Married but fell in love with someone else - HELP!
gina666 Offline
New Member

Registered: 10/26/10
Posts: 1
Loc: Europe
Hey there,

I (26) am married for a bit more than two years and I've been with my husband for a total of more than seven years and I always thought it would really be forever, I love(d) him a lot but our relationship started to feel more like we are brother and sister just sharing a flat, rarely sleeping with each other, which is a major problem for me.

Then I went on holidays to the other end of the world and there I met a really nice young man, it was at a party and I was a bit tipsy and I ended up sleeping with him. Later on we searched for each other on the internet and since we found each other again three months ago we started an internet relationship and I totally fell in love with him. We found out that we have very, very much in common which made me feel like it might have been destiny that i randomly met that guy on the other end of the world and somehow we find out we have almost everything we do and like in common.

Now I don't really know what to do, I feel like that other guy would make me happier than my husband ever can but I feel bad for my husband because I know he loves me and somehow I do still love him too, but more like a brother.

I already booked a flight for February to see that other man again and I'm not sure what to think about that. Sometimes I think I will just see how my feelings for the other man are when I get to see him in person again but then again I think I should already tell my husband.

But I am a bit insecure about that, because if it doesn't work with that other man I would somehow want to give the relationship with my husband another try and see if I can live with a brother/sister-like relationship. Before I met that other guy I thought I'd just wait until we have kids and then I will be too occupied to think about our lack of sleeping with each other. So and if it doesn't work out with that other boy I don't feel like I'd ever tell my husband, why should I, it would only hurt him and I don't want to hurt him for no reason.

And then again I have a bad conscience, but the weird thing is that I have a bad conscience because I don't feel bad about having slept with that other man. So I'm already looking up ways to move to that other country (which I know is weird because I still don't know everything about my new love) and I still don't know how to and if to tell my husband. I don't want to hurt him but I guess the longer I wait the more I will hurt him.

Most of the time I think I will just wait how it will work out when I spend some four weeks with that other boy in February. Maybe it won't work anyway. And four weeks is a long time to spend entirely with one person. But I just think I'm only young once, and if I end up having kids with the wrong person I'm bound for life and I don't want that kind of life.

Oh and there's more to it, I always dreamed of seeing a lot of the world and travelling a lot, but my husband doesn't share that dream and he loves the place we live in, he was born here and grew up here, when we married I had to relocate from the big city I lived in to this stupid small town we live in now and that kind of gives me some passive aggressiveness too. And that sweet boy I met, he never thought about travelling until he met me and he just recently wrote me that since he met me his eyes were opened to the world and he wants to travel the world too, maybe together with me, so that's one more point for him. I always wanted someone to travel the world with. And unfortunately with my husband right now it is like that: if I want to see some country, I have to go there alone because he has no time and no interest to do so. So when I went to that country on the other end of the world I went there alone too. And I don't think that's how it should be in a marriage. I want to see the world with the person I love, it doesn't make me happy seeing sunset in paradise when I'm on the beach alone :-(

So right now I'm in the final phase of my studies and it is really stressy and the whole love thing makes it even worse. When I should be out there working on my dissertation I sit in front of my notebook waiting for a new mail from my new love and when I'm in the library to work on the literature I think about him the whole time. Sometimes I think I'll go crazy with all the pressure inside and outside. I wish I never married my husband, would be a lot easier. He didn't even ask me, we just kind of agreed to marry and set a date. Not very romantic. But well, I thought it was the right thing at that time. When I promised to love him til death may part us I really meant it. Breaking that promise makes me feel really bad, there, the bad conscience is finally kicking in.

It feels good to write this whole story somewhere, I haven't told anyone about it, not even my closest friends. They wouldn't understand how I can not feel bad about having slept with another man. And it has some good self-therapeutic effects writing it all down.

So please, if anyone has some advice for my situation please go ahead and tell me!

(If there are any mistakes in my writing I am sorry, English is not my first language. But I'm training, especially since it is my new love's first language)

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#405644 - 10/26/10 09:36 AM Re: Married but fell in love with someone else - HELP! [Re: gina666]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
Hello Gina smile

There could be a lot of things going on here ~ including the so-called 'seven year itch'.

I can understand that it has helped to write it all down. That can really help to sort out one's thoughts.

Other people, here, may have some advice for you. I shall post a response later ~ I have to go out now, so I shall wait until I have time to think about it.

smile
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#405645 - 10/26/10 09:37 AM Re: Married but fell in love with someone else - HELP! [Re: PDM]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
PS. Your English is excellent! smile
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#405672 - 10/27/10 11:36 AM Re: Married but fell in love with someone else - HELP! [Re: PDM]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
Hello again Gina smile

This is going to be long, because it is quite a big subject smile
I apologise, in advance, for its length smile

Sometimes people do find themselves married to the wrong people.
This may be for a number of reasons ~

~ they married too young, before they had really developed into their adult selves
~ they changed for other reasons after marriage
~ they were not honest with each other before marriage
~ they simply fell out of love
~ they were never really in love
~ they drifted into marriage without giving the matter enough thought
~ they were pressured into getting married by family or friends
~ other reasons

On the other hand, some couples may feel that their marriage has gone wrong, but really it just needs a bit of attention:

~ they need to communicate more / better
~ they need to rekindle the romance that may have been lost in the daily drudge
~ they need to address certain issues that are coming between them

So, it could be that your marriage isn't working because it was a mistake in the first place, or it could be that it needs a little attention and that it could turn out great.

There are two connected issues in your post ~ the state of your marriage and your new love affair.

The marriage:

One of the first things you mention is that, though you are only in your twenties, and have only been married for about two years, you feel that you and your husband are 'just sharing a flat, rarely sleeping with each other'.

I was once told that, if a married couple put a peanut in a jar every time that they made love in their first year of marriage and then took a peanut out of the jar every time that they made love thereafter, then the jar would never be emptied.

In other words, young couples usually discover that love-making becomes less frequent as the years go by. But, in your case, you have only been married just over two years and you are still very young.

This little saying, though, probably referred to the days when young people waited until marriage to sleep together ~ maybe you and your husband slept together earlier in your relationship and there has been enough time for it to go into a rut???

You say that you have been together 'for a total of more than seven years'. I do not know whether the 'seven year itch' is a real phenomenon, but the idea must have come from somewhere, so, maybe some couples really do start to feel more comfortable and less romantic with each other, and so less comfortable with their actual relationship, after 7 years ~ and thus more inclined to walk into the arms of someone more romantic.

Was it very loving and romantic to begin with?
You say:
'I love(d) him a lot
I always thought it would really be forever
When I promised to love him til death may part us I really meant it'

But you also say:

'He didn't even ask me, we just kind of agreed to marry and set a date.
Not very romantic.
But well, I thought it was the right thing at that time.'

These two chains of thought don't really seem to match.
The first set of quotes sound like it could have been a true love match, while the second set sound like simply drifting into marriage.

Which was it?

You also say:
'I always dreamed of seeing a lot of the world and travelling a lot .. my husband doesn't share that dream ...'
' .. when we married I had to relocate from the big city .. to this stupid small town .. and that kind of gives me some passive aggressiveness too.'
' I thought I'd just wait until we have kids and then I will be too occupied to think ... '

Did you discuss plans and hopes for the future, before you married?
Were you happy, then, to have the life you now have?
Is it that one, or both, of you has changed since then?


Let's return to this:
'we are [like] brother and sister just sharing a flat,
rarely sleeping with each other, which is a major problem for me.'
'I thought I'd just wait until we have kids and then I will be too occupied to think about our lack of sleeping with each other.'
'I would somehow want to give the relationship with my husband another try and see if I can live with a brother/sister-like relationship'

This says that you get on quite well, but there is not much sex or romance ~ and you are not happy about this.
But what about him?
I am guessing that he is young and healthy?
Is he happy with a sexless marriage?
Is he really happy, sat at home alone, while you travel the world without him ~ potentially meeting exciting young men?
You say that you 'know he loves' you, but how do you know this, if he doesn't make love to you, and doesn't want to go away with you?
I am not suggesting that he doesn't, merely wondering what else is going on here, that you are so sure of his love, in these circumstances.
Since you appear to be so sure, then I would assume that there must be aspects of your relationship that are affectionate and positive. Is that right?

Have you discussed all of this together?
Have you told him that you love him, but want more romance in your marriage?
Maybe he does, too, deep down, but, for some reason, your marriage has been left to drift.

Do you share any interests, hobbies, etc?
Do you still go out together 'on dates'?
Do you set aside time for each other?

You obviously care for him ..
'I feel bad for my husband because I know he loves me and somehow I do still love him too, but more like a brother.'
'I don't want to hurt him'

You love him 'as a brother'. Does he love you 'as a sister'?

What about this, concerning where you live?
'he loves the place we live in'
'he was born here and grew up here'
'this stupid small town'
'I had to relocate from the big city .. and that kind of gives me some passive aggressiveness'

Does any of your 'passive aggressiveness' ever become active?
Does your husband know that you consider his beloved hometown to be a 'stupid small town' ?
Did he / Does he know that you preferred living in the city and are not happy about the move?
How long have you lived there?

May he have got the impression that, since you consider his home to be a 'stupid small town' that you consider him to be a 'stupid small town man'?
Does it hurt him that you dislike this place that le loves?
Does it upset him that he feels that he dragged you away from your home?
Does it upset him that he feels that you are not content with the marriage?
Does he feel that he has to let you travel, to make up for this?

Regarding the travelling, you say that 'he has no time and no interest to do so'.
It's sad that he doesn't share your interest, but 'no time'?
Why does he have no time to go away with you?
Presumably he has other commitments? Work, perhaps? But does he get no holiday?
If you can afford to travel to the other end of the earth, then I'm guessing that he must be able to afford to take some time off, even if it is only to travel with you locally ~ to show off to you the local area that he knows and loves? Everywhere has something of interest to offer.

The new love

You are young and feel that you are in a marriage with no sex and only a brother-sister kind of love.
You enjoy travel.
But you say 'I want to see the world with the person I love, it doesn't make me happy seeing sunset in paradise when I'm on the beach alone'.
That makes complete sense.

You seek romance.

So you went, alone, 'to the other end of the world'.
You fell in love with the place, the atmosphere and a 'really nice young man'.
But was it real?
Who knows?
Some holiday romances turn into the real thing; some don't.

At this stage, it could be that you are in love with the idea.
After seven years of living in paradise with this 'sweet boy', life could be just as humdrum for you as it is in your 'stupid small town'.
Or it may be fantastic.

This is young love ~ a crush. Most people have them. Sometimes it is someone famous who is the object of their affections and sometimes it is a beautiful stranger on an exotic beach. And the dreamer may be married or not, because it doesn't matter ~ it is only a dream, a temporary fantasy.

Now you feel that you have fallen in love with this dream boy, with whom you slept, not really knowing him, and while you were tipsy.
But is it real ~ or is this all part of the exciting, romantic, idyllic, holiday fantasy?

You say 'I feel like that other guy would make me happier than my husband ever can' and 'we have very, very much in common which made me feel like it might have been destiny that i randomly met that guy on the other end of the world and somehow we find out we have almost everything we do and like in common'.

But is this correct? Can you be sure? After all, you hardly really know him.
And you do realise this, because you say: 'I still don't know everything about my new love' and 'I already booked a flight for February to see that other man again .... Sometimes I think I will just see how my feelings for the other man are when I get to see him in person again ..'. You even say 'if it doesn't work ...'. So you do know that you need to check how much is real and how much is holiday romance.

How about your conscience?
Three times you mention your 'bad conscience'
You admit that: 'I don't feel bad about having slept with that other man'
Yet you say: 'I have a bad conscience because I don't feel bad about having slept with that other man'
Also: 'When I promised to love him til death may part us I really meant it.
Breaking that promise makes me feel really bad, there, the bad conscience is finally kicking in.'

So you feel that it is wrong to break a promise. And I agree with that. But you promised to love your husband for ever ~ and no one can really promise that. People can try and they can hope, but no-one can stop themselves falling in or out of love. Furthermore, you say that you do still love him, but that the love has changed since you met.

You do not feel guilty about making love with the man you met on holiday.
For someone who has a guilty conscience, this is perhaps unusual. Deep down inside you must really feel that this was the right thing to do ~ whether or not the relationship lasts.

'I still don't know how to and if to tell my husband.'
.. I think I should already tell my husband'
'.. if it doesn't work out with that other boy I don't feel like I'd ever tell my husband'

This wondering ~ is it a guilt thing, is it protecting your husband from unnecessary upset, is it about honesty or is it to do with preparing your husband for what might happen?


The future?

'Sometimes I think I will just see how my feelings for the other man are when I get to see him in person again but then again I think I should already tell my husband.'

'.. if it doesn't work with that other man I would somehow want to give the relationship with my husband another try and see if I can live with a brother/sister-like relationship. Before I met that other guy I thought I'd just wait until we have kids and then I will be too occupied to think about our lack of sleeping with each other.'

'.. if I end up having kids with the wrong person I'm bound for life and I don't want that kind of life.'

'I just think I'm only young once'

You need to really think all of this through. Read what you have posted.
You think that having children might make everything ok, by keeping you occupied, yet you also say that you don't want that life.

And how fair would that be on any children?

Is it fair, on either you or your husband, to go back to a marriage in which you are not happy, only if the exciting new romance does not work out? How would your husband feel if he knew? (He could find out.) How would you feel if the same thing happened to you?


Travel
'I always wanted someone to travel the world with.'

'when I went to that country on the other end of the world I went there alone too. And I don't think that's how it should be in a marriage'

'that sweet boy I met, he never thought about travelling until he met me and he just recently wrote me that since he met me his eyes were opened to the world and he wants to travel the world too, maybe together with me'

Travel seems to mean a lot to you. Does your husband realise how much? Is there room for compromise here?
How much difference would it make to your feelings, if your husband enjoyed travelling the world with you?
Would you still pursue the holiday love?

And, as you say, you are under pressure with studies, and, like many young students, you have a crush: 'When I should be out there working on my dissertation I sit in front of my notebook waiting for a new mail from my new love and when I'm in the library to work on the literature I think about him the whole time. '

May I just ask about a few things:
How old are your husband and this boy?
Do you live in your own home, or with someone else?
Has your husband ever said anything that might indicate that he, too, is unhappy with the situation?
Are you earning, or are you a full-time student?
Is he earning?
Are things evenly balanced between you housework- and finance-wise?
Does the new boy know that you are married?

And can I just suggest something ~ the downward spiral.

Is this scenario, or any part of it, possible?

* * *

Girlfriend and boyfriend have been together from age 18 or 19. They love each other and have been together, relatively happily, for several years, so marriage just seems to be the next step. They are both quite happy to go ahead with this, because they are young and in love, and everything seems fine, so they get married at about 23 or 24 and do not give the matter ~ or the future ~ too much thought.

It is very possible they that have both changed since they were teenagers and may no longer even be compatible.

And then reality sets in.

Marriage involves actually living with another person, on a day-to-day basis, doing all the routine boring things which don't usually come into play when couples are dating ~ working and paying bills and drudgery ~ and sometimes living where they would rather not live. Seeing each other all the time can make the relationship less exciting and all the responsibility can make it more stressful and less fun. As time goes by, they may both try less hard to 'pretend' to be 'perfect' to each other. Living together may seem to make going out on dates unnecessary.

Nothing terrible happens; they don't actually hate each other, or even fall out with each other. They still love each other, but it's not exciting and romantic; it's just living alongside each other ~ wondering what happened to the relationship. It feels awkward to discuss it, though, because neither wants to offend the other by saying that they are unhappy with the way their marriage is going.

It is possible that one party realises that romance has to be tempered with realism and just gets on with it. It's also possible that the other party will be seeking new outlets, entertainment and fun elsewhere.

Although no-one says anything, they both feel something. She makes it clear, without saying anything, that she doesn't like living in a little town and would rather be back in the city. He senses aggression whenever the subject is mentioned. He loves his little town ~ it is part of him ~ and he wonders; if she thinks his town is stupid, does she think that he is stupid too?

Gradually, the lack of useful communication starts to cause a bit of a rift. It's not particularly obvious, but it affects the way that they behave together. They are no longer affectionate with each other and, even though they haven't been married too long, they hardly ever make love. The longer the gaps between lovemaking, the more awkward the matter becomes, and the less often they make love, so it becomes a vicious circle.

She wonders why he is happy to go on like this.
He knows that she cannot be happy going on like this ~ because he isn't pleased about it and she seems unsettled

Because he doesn't want her to feel trapped in his little town, he encourages her to travel. He's not too keen to go and he cannot really afford the time, so she goes alone. It's not ideal, but it seems like a reasonable compromise. He does worry though, that she will meet someone on her travels, and fall for him because of the lack of romance and sex in their marriage ~ but he doesn't know what to do about that, even though he still loves her.

* * *

You don't need to answer any of the questions, of course. Indeed you do not need to respond at all. I just hope that by going through your post, it may help you to sort out your thoughts.

Spending one's life pretending to be happy in a loveless marriage is not a positive thought ~ living a lie. So, both you and your husband need to get this sorted out. If the marriage is over, then you are still young enough to start again. If the marriage just needs some help, then the sooner the better.

You might find a good counsellor helpful.

I hope that things turn out for the best for all of you.

Good luck smile




Edited by PDM (10/27/10 07:24 PM)
Edit Reason: typos / errors
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#405675 - 10/27/10 12:02 PM Re: Married but fell in love with someone else - HELP! [Re: PDM]
preciousbaby Offline
Friend

Registered: 04/27/07
Posts: 256
Loc: utica, ny
Thank you PDM for making me aware of why I am divorced at this stage in my life and what went wrong in my fifteen year marriage. You spelled it!!!
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#405678 - 10/27/10 12:53 PM Re: Married but fell in love with someone else - HELP! [Re: preciousbaby]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
Hello preciousbaby smile
I hope that it was somehow useful smile
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#405679 - 10/27/10 01:58 PM Re: Married but fell in love with someone else - HELP! [Re: preciousbaby]
MW1 Offline
Companion

Registered: 03/09/10
Posts: 123
Loc: Virginia
PDM - you have spoken loud, clear and well. I hope what you have written will help Gina.

Communication is key to any relationship regardless of how "comfortable" the individuals involved may feel with one another. It seems to me that Gina and her husband have gotten so comfortable they are now like brother and sister. However, they aren't so comfortable with one another that they feel as though they can speak to one another about things.

Gina - I really suggest you talk to your husband and let him know what is bothering you. Don't come out and attack him though saying his town is stupid, you don't like it that he doesn't want to travel, etc. etc. Maybe he doesn't want to travel because he feels the need to work to support you so you can travel? Because he's trying to make you happy? Do talk to him - about the travel, about the town, about the sleeping together.

Couples get into ruts. My husband and I have gotten into a rut with the sleeping together and then after a while one, or the other, or both just stop thinking about it and don't expect it to happen, but eventually one person has to take the initiative and make that first move, be it to talk or be it to become intimate. You may feel like there's no more romance in your marriage because it's been such a while since you all have been together and you both have gotten stuck in the day-to-day activities. It's important to make time for one another to spend together. Have a date night - and date night doesn't have to be going out to dinner and a movie or whatever - it can be a wonderful home cooked meal that you prepare together and clean up together. Then you can sit down and enjoy a movie on the sofa or a game. The key is though that you need to talk to him. You need to find out what's going through his mind and let him know what's going through yours. You don't necessarily have to tell him about this "other guy" right away, but you do need to talk.

My husband and I have had crushes on other people while we've been married - but those crushes are just that... crushes. We tell one another about good looking people - I remember clearly there being one guy that I worked with that I got along so well with him - he reminded me of my husband in so many ways, yet there were certain things that were different. Looking back on that crush - I never would have acted on it because I would never want to hurt my husband. I would never want him to act on any of his crushes because it would kill me. My husband and I are both friends with this old crush - we hang out with him and his new wife and enjoy their company very much. If I had left my husband for this crush, I know it wouldn't have worked out in the long run because after getting to know him better, it was just determined that we wouldn't have been a good match. We're all great together as friends and that's it.

Do think about everything that PDM has written. Do reconsider what you have written. Do find time to talk to your husband. Maybe consider holding off on this trip around the world to see your love interest - maybe consider trying to work things out with your husband by going to counseling?

Good luck and your English was excellent. smile

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#405686 - 10/27/10 07:26 PM Re: Married but fell in love with someone else - HELP! [Re: MW1]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
Thanks MW1.
I am sure that your own experiences could be really useful smile
I hope that Gina will find the thread helpful.
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#406740 - 12/14/10 05:57 PM Re: Married but fell in love with someone else - HELP! [Re: PDM]
MrNiceGuy Offline
New Member

Registered: 12/14/10
Posts: 5
Hi Gina ... I happenend to stumble across your post via google. I just wanted to post something a bit more positive for you. I myself have been with my wife since she was 15 and i was 16 .. I am now 32 and we have 2 great children together. Ou marriage has been up and down and in the recent years .. more down than up until i found www.marriagebuilders.com You will see when you read the basic concepts at marriagebuilders that what is most likely happeneing in your marriage is the failure to meet eachothers most important emotional needs. There is many tool you can use there to recover your marriage if you wish to do so. Fortunately for my marriage infedelity did not happen and we learned how to meet eachothers needs after learning what they were ... we literally had no idea .. and kids did not help our situation. I strongly advise you to check out that site and to pass marriage builders on to others that you know that may be in similar situations as you are. Also .. your hubby deserves to know ... so you both can begin to recover. This will mean complete transparency and some turmoil for a while.

Marriage counselling has a 85% failure rate because they do not know how to restore love (beender dundat) ... marriage builders does have the exact formula to rebuild love. www.marriagebuilders.com has all the tools you need to recover and save your marriage and fall back in love again. I wish you luck.

MrNiceGuy

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