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#418254 - 09/20/11 05:28 AM Re: male friend getting married [Re: jilly]
illusive Fantasy Offline
Gold Star Soulmate

Registered: 11/12/09
Posts: 6762
Loc: Massachusetts
lol jilly you sound like a teenager who just lost a puppy love...stompin and pouting...giggle

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#418256 - 09/20/11 11:05 AM Re: male friend getting married [Re: jilly]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
I do sort of know how you feel, Jilly.

I share my educational interests with a few males, with whom I am (or was) quite friendly ~ but I very rarely spend time with them, and could never just ring them up and ask them if they would like to attend a meeting with me ~ even though my own husband has suggested it. Indeed, I haven't even seen these men in a few years.

Other males, with whom I have also been friendly, I don't see at all, any more. We may exchange family Christmas cards, but that's all.

It really is quite sad, but it simply isn't the done thing.
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#418262 - 09/20/11 04:50 PM Re: male friend getting married [Re: jilly]
jilly Offline
Best Friend

Registered: 07/07/08
Posts: 1795
Loc: beneath the rim of the Colorad...
I tend to resist the 'done thing' i guess. I follow my own drummer. Maybe that does make me a petulant teenager. smile

I am what i am. the situation is what it is. I don't have to like it. And it's better to rant on it here than whinge about it to my friend.

In any case, the point may be moot eventually. My friend never did get around to proposing to this girl...and things don't seem to be going well on that front. I want him to be happy, so i support him working things out with her. But I am now getting a sense he won't be marrying her - he is starting to think she has a control problem where he is concerned.
_________________________
Jilly


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#418313 - 09/21/11 04:08 PM Re: male friend getting married [Re: jilly]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
Well, I'm glad it's no longer a personal concern for you, Jilly, but it's still an interesting scenario.

I mentioned it to my husband, when you first posted it, and again this morning. He said that things just change when one marries, or finds oneself in a committed relationship. It's not just people of the opposite gender, who one cannot see so much, it may be anyone. Though it's fine to keep one's friends, the 'couple' relationship will change those friendships.

And he felt that it depends, if going hiking together, who else would be there, how long the venture would last, what sort of place one would be visiting, etc.
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#418317 - 09/21/11 04:52 PM Re: male friend getting married [Re: jilly]
illusive Fantasy Offline
Gold Star Soulmate

Registered: 11/12/09
Posts: 6762
Loc: Massachusetts
the operative word here is "committed"!!!! and it should be...

if your spouse IMHO is not stimulating you in different ways thru activities ..romance..or intelligence...communication...time to examine whats wrong...each should "complete" the other...be "committed"...

if two are "truly" in love there is a saying and ill quote it here...from madame butterfly ...

"no one before you ...not even I"

i just dont think folks take VOWS seriously or even know the depth of what that means anymore.

go hiking with your spouse...geeeeeeesh....and do it even in a light rain...it shouldnt be done just as a one on one ...outside the marriage....and business lunches...im sorry...do it in a company group/environment, or do it on the phone...not going to a restaurant...i was a district mngr for a international company and simply THAT wasnt done...there were other ways.

and quite truthfully...if your spouse says they dont mind...omg...RED FLAGS...in so many ways...and its nothing to do with trust...or maturity...best start looking to get excitement back tween the two of you ...find the romance again ...do whatever it takes...but never turn your interest to wanting to be alone with the opposite sex OUTSIDE a marriage....for whatever "excuse" you want to label it....if thats the case...guess what its time for....because at that point....

you dont have a marriage you have a boarder...and denial is nasty...

here is a definition of marriage

a close and intimate union; "the marriage of music and dance"; "a marriage of ideas"
wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn

note...operative words...close...intimate...union.....marriage of ideas...

and im quite sure when they say ...marriage of ideas ..they never meant OUTSIDE the BONDS of marriage.


Edited by illusive Fantasy (09/21/11 05:26 PM)

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#418328 - 09/21/11 07:40 PM Re: male friend getting married [Re: jilly]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
I met my husband in December 1974 and we have been together since January 1975. We rarely have a cross word and still enjoy each other's company very much, but that doesn't mean that we don't enjoy other people's company, too.

Sometimes, my interests coincide more with those of my friends than with those of my husband. He loves sport; I love writing, photography and history.

If I want to go to a history event, then he might suggest that I go with one of the historians I am friendly with, who happen to be male. No red flags required, it's just common sense to go with an interested friend. My husband doesn't mind, because he trusts me and thinks it makes sense. But I don't.

I might go out for the day to a castle, taking photos, with a friend. If it is a female friend, no-one thinks anything of it. If it is a male friend ~ well, it doesn't happen, because it doesn't feel right, unless it is as part of a big mixed group.

It is a bit of a shame that we are not 'allowed' to have friends of a different gender ~ but I do, of course, understand why.
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#418330 - 09/21/11 07:54 PM Re: male friend getting married [Re: jilly]
illusive Fantasy Offline
Gold Star Soulmate

Registered: 11/12/09
Posts: 6762
Loc: Massachusetts
everyone is allowed "free choice" but then there is this thing called "free will" very different...an its not even what OTHERS think...to heck with them...OTHERS have and always love to gossip will when your dead too...

as long as individuals we make the "choice" to have the "will" to do things ethically and morally to heck with what OTHERS think.

im sure glad that to you ...it doesnt make sense...but again ...to heck with what i think...i dont have to live with you giggle...and im not the one to suffer any decisions you make and the consequences of those choices either...

its about US as individuals...knowing instinctively as well ..."right from wrong"

nice you listen to your deep female instincts and know the difference of free choice...free will...and right from wrong..

VERYYYY respectable and i might add ...nice that you HONOR yourself and your MARRIAGE

PS i better add one of these grin now as some very wise person told me to do that so folks would understand im not really shouting... blush


Edited by illusive Fantasy (09/21/11 07:58 PM)

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#418421 - 09/22/11 07:32 PM Re: male friend getting married [Re: jilly]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
smile smile smile
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#418432 - 09/22/11 08:19 PM Re: male friend getting married [Re: jilly]
illusive Fantasy Offline
Gold Star Soulmate

Registered: 11/12/09
Posts: 6762
Loc: Massachusetts
omg does that mean i scored three stars or those guys for my commentary giggle

we dooo need more activated emoticons


Edited by illusive Fantasy (09/22/11 08:19 PM)

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#418467 - 09/23/11 03:28 AM Re: male friend getting married [Re: jilly]
jilly Offline
Best Friend

Registered: 07/07/08
Posts: 1795
Loc: beneath the rim of the Colorad...
Wow, Illusive, I completely disagree with you on so many levels. I guess we can agree to disagree.
_________________________
Jilly


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