RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Does He/She Like Me? Unknown intentions

Over the last year and half i have been seperated from my wife. we are going through a divroce. We are holding off on the filing of the papers untill she is out of school becuase of her school funding, I don't want her to have to change her name on more paper work then she needs to and possibly lose her funding becuase something doesn't get filed correctly. I love my wife more then i have ever loved any women i have ever known My mother and grandmothers included. Im not saying i could never love another women as much as i love my wife at this moment I just don't know that i want to love another women and i know that im not ready to move on. I love my wife to the point that i find my self doing things that i have never done before. I have backed off I have let my wife live her life the way she wants to with out my interferance although im there when she wants to talk or just needs a friend. Im not sure what her actions mean though and how i should react to them. that is where i need advice. here is a list of what she does Subtle and not to subtle.

#1) I catch her looking at ME when i play with our daughter and watch her turn her gaze away quickly as if ashamed she was looking at me.

#2) the way she sits on the couch facing me sometimes just a little to close where we are touching.

#3) this is the BIG ONE she has me sleep in the bed with her. there is no sex involed and I find her every once and a while when it is cold or if she had had a couple of beers or a few glasses of wine ( no she doesn't drink much ) I find her cuddled up to my back or she is just a little too close.

#4) She changes her clothes ( shirt Bra Pants and panties) right infront of me, She does ask if it bothers me But just something that seems like no women would do if there wasn't something there.

Now none of this really bothers me it is the intentions behind all of these actions. It is also i don't know how if she IS interested to take one of those times to move it back into a chance to rekindling a possible romantic relationship. I knwo she is busy with school and our daughter. Guess i just want advice.

Hello Lstdrgnus and welcome

I hope that we can help.
Let's have a look ...

Ok, well the obvious question is: why have you decided to divorce?

Also pertinent might be:
How old are both of you?
How long have you known each other?
How long have you been married?
How old were you when you met?
How old were you when you married?
How old is your daughter?

Sorry to deluge you with questions, but the answers may be useful

You say:

If you are so much in love with your wife, and do not want to move on, then why are you separated?
If you feel like this, yet you are agreeing with the divorce, then one wonders if your wife knows how you feel.
Have you told her?
Has she told you how she feels?


To me, these sound like actions designed ~ deliberately or subconsciously ~ to encourage you to be affectionate towards her.

Why do you think that she would do this?
Did she feel that there was a lack of affection in your marriage?
Could it be that she still loves you, but thinks that you do not love her, or are not attracted to her?

And, if you are separated, then why are you sharing her bed?
Why are you there when she is changing her clothes?
Is this just when you visit to see your daughter, or do you spend a lot of time in the 'marital home'?


You are married to her.
You are planning a divorce.
She is inciting you to be more loving and attentive.
You love her.
It's now or never, is it not?

Do you fear that she is just leading you on, and that, if you responded to the cuddling, or the nakednmess, or the sleeping together, that she might react badly, and become unpleasant towards you? ~ That it is a trick of some kind?

If it happens regularly, then this seems unlikely.
However, I cannot be sure of anything, because I do not know her, or how she behaves generally ~ nor do I know you, or the situation, of course ~ but, if you love her, and she is encouraging you, and you share a bed, and she snuggles up to you, then I would say that there is a strong possibility that she may be interested in reviving your marriage.

You say: 'i don't know how'.
Well, how about sitting down with her and talking?
Tell her how you feel.
Communication is usually the key.

Tell her that you have noticed how affectionate and open she can be with you, sometimes, and that you wonder if she thinks that there is any chance of saving the marriage.
Suggest going out on 'dates', perhaps.
The three of you could go to the beach, or bowling, or for a country walk, or whatever.
If you could get a reliable babysitter, then maybe you could go out for a romantic meal, or to the theatre, or something.


You have a little girl and it would be so nice if your family trio could be saved.
Your wife may be noticing the bond between you & your child, and worrying about that bond being broken.

Could you go for family counselling, perhaps?
Whatever happens, try not to let your daughter suffer, or feel that she is to blame for a break up, or that she is not loved.
Stay part of her life.
Don't let either of you insult or criticise the other in front of the child.

I hope that you will be able to work this out

Marriages that appear to be broken can sometimes be mended.
Have a look at this thread:

http://www.wineintro.com/forum/ubbthread...nd_M#Post396923

This is, obviously, a difficult and confusing time for you.
Try to stay positive, and try to keep channels of communication open.

Good luck!

PDM To start off I will answer your questions. How old are we? She is 25 so to be 26 I am 31. How long have we known each other? pushing 7 years now Married for 4 years. She was 18 I was 23. Our daughter is 21 months. When we first separated I was out of work and had been for a while. She was working while pregnant and I was doing day labor to help. She felt that I didn't have a future or something like that. Even though the deal was she was going to finish school while I was worked then she was going to work while I went to school. well I worked she graduated I quite my job to follow her and she was working and I was trying to make money so I could go to school. She had gotten pregnant right after I moved to be with her. she started to feel taken advantage of and started the divorce talk. for some reason which have never been fully explained to me she finally decided she wanted the divorce. Does she know how I feel, Yes I have told her many times how I feel about her. Has she told me how she feels? She hides her feeling very well and tells me only what she thinks I want to hear. Which is annoying and I don’t know how she really feels. There was one point where she had gotten pregnant again and we talked about getting back together ( it was a one night thing about 4 months ago) well either she wasn’t really pregent and then started that time of the month, or she miscarried. She thinks she miscarried. Either way she isn’t now. And every once and a while she talks about what it would be like to be pregnant right now. I don’t know why she does these things and then turns around and acts like they are no big deal. She also makes comments like “ it is funny how old habits die hard, when im cold and bundled up I just want to curl up to you” Now this doesn’t sound like a habit that would be hard to break if there was nothing there to me. There was lots of affection in our marriage if there was anymore then we would have NEVER be able to work or have a social life. As for her loving me I think she does. She is spending most of Christmas with me and my family under the guise of letting me have time with my daughter. But the thing is would she just let me take her for the time instead of spending the time here also? Well the sharing the bed thing is: I go to her place to see my daughter, and I usually spend the night so spend as much time with her ( my daughter) as I can. And yes I really mean with my daughter I love that little girl that is hurts. And well it get cold on the floor in the apartment, and she offered once for me to sleep in the bed and with my feeling for my wife it was more then I pass up. So yes we sleep in the same bed usually when I’m there. The changing the cloths isn’t every time she changes her cloths it is just if im in the room when she is changing her clothes she again uses an excuse of “It isn’t anything you haven’t seen before.” Af for the time I spend there Yes it is only when I go visit my daughter But that might change here soon Im going to be taking a job that is closer to her, Right now I live two hours away. The area she lives in I have no friends other then her there. So I will be probably be spending more time with them. As for family counsoling we did that it worked great while we were going, then she moved for school and we had to stop then things suddenly changed we went one more time when things agian and she was just silent while there. Like there was nothing more to talk about I told her how I felt and she just acted like she didn’t care at all. We don’t insult or criticize each other at all ever even when we are alone. Thank you.

I am bemused by this, so I can understand how confusing it must be for you.

You said that you had separated one and a half years ago ~ no sexual relations ~ yet she thought that she was pregnant 4 months or so ago??? So you have not been completely 'separate' during this time?

Is it possible that she would like another baby ~ and that this is why you see her looking thoughtful, etc. If she did have a miscarriage, then it is possible that she is now yearning for another baby. This has happened to women I know.

I think that she needs to speak honestly about her feelings and what she wants and does not want out of life ~ and about youi daughter and her needs.

Marriages have to be worked at. If you love someone ~ as you two seem to love each other ~ then you do not throw that away, without even trying, very hard, to save it ~ especially when there is a child involved.

Why would she hide her feelings?
I don't understand this.
You have known her for several years, so I'm guessing that you must have some ideas about why she does what she does.

Do you think that she was too young to settle down in a long-term relationship at 18, and that, though she loves you, she also wants the freedom to make different choices, perhaps?

It is not at all unusual for people who fall in love in their teens to fall out of love again in their twenties. They change and they grow apart from the partners who once seemed perfect for them. It happens a lot.

If you can get her to sit down and talk seriously about all of this, then that might help. It's what you need.

Good luck!

PDM Yes we have been completely separated for the entire time although we were “together” for a while after we started counseling But never lived together and then broke up again after we stopped counseling. Not sure why really she told me it didn’t have anything to do with me, that I hadn’t done anything. So I suppose it was that she just had a change of heart or possibly was afraid of us slipping back in to old habits again. When I talk about us sleeping together and no sexual contact that is sense the last break up. As for another baby I know she wants to have about 5 kids altogether. As for now she has one. She hides her feelings to protect people from them. She is afraid of confrontation. Honestly I cant trust her with my heart she had broken it more then once now. Im sure she is looking for her freedom she had never lived on her own before and I think that she wants that experience. I help her a lot more then I think she knows I do. Although I don’t hide it from her but I know that the extra money I give her on top of the child support and going over to watch our daughter so she can have a much needed night out with her friends really helps. I also know that If I didn’t do these things for her that she would not be able to survive she would be living with her parents again. Unfortunately, I don’t think she really knows what she wants. And from day to day it changes for her and again she hides her feelings because she doesn’t’ want to hurt me. I have been thinking about sitting her down and talking to her telling her something like this…. “I know we have had a hard time over this last year and a half. But I still love you. I don’t want to put any pressure on you. I don’t want to make you commit to anything your not ready for, or to take away your freedom. We are both in a position where it wouldn’t be a good idea to force those things on to us. But I still wish to be with you in a romantic relationship but I think it would be best to not put a label on it so there won‘t be any pressure or commitment that will have to be follow other then the basic monogynies I.E. no sleeping with other people .” And after that just leave it up to her to talk to me or to make some sort of action one way or the other. Anyways Christmas was awkward with her being here from the 23rd to the 25th three days 2 nights she then went home to her parents house and will only be there for one night which seems weird But hey there doesn’t seem to any part of our current relationship that isn’t weird. The more I look at us we act like a married couple with out the intimacy or shared housing.

Your idea sounds like a good one.

I'm guessing that she probably feels that she went directly from childhood into marriage, without any real freedom or chances to take opportunities ~ so she is looking for them now, but doesn't feel that this is fair on you.