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#89157 - 12/15/05 11:13 AM Arranged Marriage
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
Arranged marriage is being discussed elsewhere on the forum, so I thought I'd start a thread here.

What are your thoughts?


Here's the other thread:
http://www.wineintro.com/forum/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=13;t=000219;p=2#000017
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#89158 - 12/16/05 04:59 AM Re: Arranged Marriage
J-Bo Offline
Friend

Registered: 09/27/05
Posts: 260
Loc: Melbourne
Much would depend on the culture.
Western society would be against it whilst with some cultures it's just a natural part of life.

Personally I'm against it. Marriage should be for love.

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#89159 - 12/17/05 01:13 AM Re: Arranged Marriage
somsuj Offline
Best Friend

Registered: 06/18/05
Posts: 1397
Loc: England
what is the secret of a successfull marriage ?

can anyone say ?

is love the only factor ?

then why so many Love-marriages end up in divorce ?
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#89160 - 12/17/05 07:01 PM Re: Arranged Marriage
J-Bo Offline
Friend

Registered: 09/27/05
Posts: 260
Loc: Melbourne
Communication is a major factor.
Love is another but after a while some people tend to take their partners for granted and love tends to get swept under the rug. Love needs to be nurtured and worked on to keep it going.

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#89161 - 12/17/05 07:13 PM Re: Arranged Marriage
somsuj Offline
Best Friend

Registered: 06/18/05
Posts: 1397
Loc: England
what about friendship - i think me and my wife are great friends.

what about ability to make your partner laugh ? share a joke - share a moment ?

marriage unfortunately is very complex.

i wish it was simple - less of hassle.

why do we marry ?
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#89162 - 12/17/05 08:53 PM Re: Arranged Marriage
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
I agree that, in a marriage, being able to make each other laugh is very important - being friends too.

And I think the most important thing is trust.


As for arranged marriage, if it were an 'introduction' and the parties were then left to see how things went - if love, friendship and trust, etc, developed - I think that would be ok.

If it were an arranged marriage where someone was just expected to live with a stranger - sharing their lives, their homes, their beds, I think that would be absolutely awful.

My parents didn't even meet my husband until we had been going out together for a number of months - and that was deliberate on my part. I did not want my boyfriend to get to know / develop a relationship with members of my family before we had got to know / developed a relationship with each other.

I feel that marriage is a partnership and, while it is very nice - and makes life easier - if spouses get on with in-laws, the other members of the family shouldn't really be involved in that partnership.

So I don't think arranged marriage would have suited me at all. But I appreciate that different people have different ideas and customs. smile
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#89163 - 12/18/05 07:21 AM Re: Arranged Marriage
somsuj Offline
Best Friend

Registered: 06/18/05
Posts: 1397
Loc: England
PDM, as usual you elucidate comples things very well and make them simple :

so what we have so far :

love
communication
trust
friendship
partnership
being able to make each other laugh
culture
if spouses get on with in-laws

i am sure more to come.

i am afraid my marriage was not a typical arranged marriage much publicised in UK and Canada - as Reggie mentioned about a young film-maker.

it was more of a person mediating between two families and we were given a little time as well - not very common.

since the culture of both families were same - she did not have any problem in settling down either.

But arranged marriage as a whole can be rather painful - if there were any statistics ( and you need to rely on people being truthful ) less that 50% are a success.

that's my opinion only.

in my family - almost all are arranged marriage - none appear to be unsuccessful - but for a long time in our family arranged marriage is done slightly differently - like mine - so .............
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#89164 - 12/18/05 11:19 AM Re: Arranged Marriage
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
My friend's arranged marriage seemed to be working fine, until she told me a couple of years ago that they had separated.
But, of course, that can happen in any marriage.

Another Moslem friend told me that in her family it was the arranged marriages that were tending to break down - this is in the younger generation - and the love marriages - with partners outside of Islam - that were happier.

Of course, many marriages end in divorce or separation. Why does that happen? I don't know, really, except that some people just can't see if they are compatible with their partnerrs or not.

Love blinds them. Maybe this is where arranged marriage might be more successful - provided that the 'arrangers' can be trusted in their judgement.
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#89165 - 12/18/05 12:46 PM Re: Arranged Marriage
Vince Offline
Best Friend

Registered: 12/17/04
Posts: 1081
Loc: Australia
marriage is a relationship be it arranged or a " love" Marriage.
Any ralationship needs three things to make it work
Communication
compatiblity
and
concideration
All the other stuff the "Love", trust,etc comes when these three things combine and are working together. If you have a breakdown in any of these three then the relationship begins to crumble.
I believe that "affairs", I mean true affairs, not "one off" encounters, begin well before the bedroom. these true affairs occur because one of those three things are not working in the original relationship.
Arranged marriages, as has been said earlier, are a culture thing. If it works for them then that's fine by me, but they (arranged marriages) still require those three elements to have any chance of survival.
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#89166 - 12/18/05 11:25 PM Re: Arranged Marriage
Lat Offline
Regular

Registered: 07/26/05
Posts: 60
Loc: Johannesburg, South Africa
A social worker, working at a marriage councelinge centre, once said that arranged marriages work, because people enter them, knowing that they have to work at it. In Western culture, people think because they love each other, that is enough to make things work, and partners are easier dissillusioned.

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