RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Dating Jealousy

I don't understand why my wife (newlyweds) can get jealous over tiny thigs wich I have no issues with, but I can't ask the same things of her without her getting upset at me!? That in no way seems to me. How does one deal with a situation like that???

I think you need to expand on your question, what may seem like a tiny issue to you, in her mind may not be.
I really do not quite understand what you are trying to ask

Welcome to the forum Will.

Have you tried reading those books which explain the differences between the brains & minds of men & women?

Some of the things I don't agree with, but I do think that they can be generally very helpful.

Men & women think very differently and perceive each other's behaviour & words differently, too.

i have known a lot of newlyweds who fight a lot because either the wife or the husband is still afraid of losing the other partner for someone else. One married couple i knew almost divorced because the husband let this random girl borrow his phone. That might be considered something trivial to the husband but she was completely upset. like i said sometimes its because they are afraid of losing there other half.

I think you both need to sit down and calmly discuss your feelings and most importantly, don't let it turn into an argument. Communication is extremely important and at the moment as a newly married couple there are so many adjustments to make on both sides, added responsibilities etc.

Just try to talk things out, put it to each other how you feel about things and above all, don't go to bed that night angry.

When she gets upset when you ask certain things, explain to her that you trust her and you're not accusing her of anything, you're just curious. When doesn't just 'ask' about certain things but accuses you or gets upset, explain to her that you love her, only her and no one else. Reassure her that you don't want anyone but her and you aren't going anywhere.
Then at a later time when you're both calm, sit down and discuss it with her. Tell her how it makes you feel when certain things are done, she'll more than likely open up and tell you what she's feeling when she does those things. You can both then come to a happy medium in compromise and understanding.

Jealousy can sometimes mean a lack of trust. If you don't entirely trust the other person, it's quite easy to become jealous. Often those people have valid reasons but at other times they're possibly insecure and just need reasurrance from their partner that they are in fact loved and needed.

Sometimes it just boils down to misunderstandings.

People need to talk & listen.

as a jealous woman, i think i can help you out, Will. First of all, congratulations for being a newly wed, and welcome to the forum! Now, jealousy in women stems from insecurity. Part of it is insecurity, and part of it is protectiveness. It actually ends up creating a vicious cycle that I won't go into here because it' not that important for my point to get across. But basically, all of those things that seem so trivial to you are certainly not trivial to her. Now, granted, they may actually be trivial, but you have to remember that because of whatever insecurity your wife has, any little bit of attention that you give to another woman seems huge to her. Now, I am definitely not saying that your wife is crazy. She's not making things up, right? So on the other hand, I would check whatever behavior you're doing that's upsetting her. You're her husband, so you have to accommodate her in lots of ways, including emotionally--I guess that's part of what makes marriage so hard. But maybe you can try doing little things for her--find a way to make her feel pretty, make her feel appreciated...women need to feel like they're special to the man that they love. And also, all of the arguing that this situation has inspired is probably not helping the situation and/or her confidence, especially since you're newly weds, and almost all newly weds start off saying to themselves "it's not supposed to be this hard" Well, Will, it is. So don't worry--you love your wife, otherwise you wouldn't have bothered to ask for advice, so you two will pull through. And, also, it's not so much about her not trusting you per say (unless you've done something that would make her lose some of her trust in you, in which case you're just going to have to earn it back), but it's more that she doesn't trust other women (yes, it's the cliche). And at the same time that she's not taking in to account the fact that you have a mind of your own when she thinks like this, you have to also remember that it's because he loves you, and she's ultimately afraid of losing you. So try to look at things that way. And as for the other part of your complaint--how she won't let you question her: I can relate to that one too :P. It's like this (and it isn't fair): when she questions you, it's for the reason I described above, but when you question her, she feels like it's because you don't trust her or her love for you. So, when you question her, it feels insulting. I know this isn't fair &/or doesn't make any sense, but I think that's how she's thinking. And she's not doing it on purpose--most of this is probably subconscious. But this shouldn't turn into a competition of who questions who more. And you shouldn't just be questioning her because she's questioning you--it doesn't solve anything. of course, if you're questioning her because you actually don't trust her, that's another issue. But never play the you-hit-me-so-i'll-hit-you game, because it's a slippery slope. Just try to SHOW (it means more) her that you love her, and don't make yourself untrustworthy. You want to be an understanding husband, right? So try, as hard as I know it is, to put yourself in her shoes. And, most importantly, give her time. Let her see that her worries are unfounded, and eventually, they'll go away. Good luck to you, and again, congratulations on being newly married.

lora, although I agree on you with most of this, I have to say that the jealousy is from not trusting the other person. I say this because I'm in a relationship, where my fiance just got out of doing that to me. The same way he describes his wife. I told him over and over he needs to trust me, a relationship without trust is NOT a relationship. He refused to admit he didn't trust me, and it was the men he didn't trust. After a while of nothing but fights, then deciding to be mature about it and sit down and discuss the things calmly, he started to realize what he was really doing, and admitted it was him not trusting me. He said not COMPLETELY, he knows fully that I would never cheat on him, but somewhere in the back of his mind was a "what if". His exact words he said to me was "I haven't been trusting you, and I didn't realize it. Even if those guys were after you, I trust that you wouldn't cheat on me, so I should trust you would handle the situation well too." So basically, he trusted I wouldn't cheat.. but didn't trust that I was smart enough to handle the situation well if a guy was trying to get with me. Hm which is the worse of the two evils? Not trusting that they're a good person or not trusting that they're smart?? Not sure! lol but either way not trusting is not trusting. It's something that needs to be addressed. Which is why I gave the advice to talk calmly, once we started doing that he started seeing what HE was doing wrong in not trusting me, and I started seeing what I was doing wrong by making him not trust me. Not every little bit of his worries was out of paranoia, they have to spring from somewhere. So I learned what to compromise on on my part, and he learned what to compromise on on his part, and our relationship is a lot better since.