RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Dating The first couple month Curse!

I am new on here and this is my first post. But I really need help figuring out what the heck I am doing wrong.

Right now I am talking to an amazing person that I connect with so strongly and the fire is burning really nice. I am trying to tame the fire a little bit just so it doesnt get out of hand too much. But this is where my problem starts...

When I first begin this stage in dating...it lasts for maybe longest of 3 months and shortest of 1 month, then out of no where I lose this fire or burning passion, although this girl is perfect. It has happened in the past almost every time I begin a relationship, its just constant burning and then nothing! Is this normal or what am I doing wrong, or am I mental?

I would compare it to something like this...you try so hard to get something and you successfully get it. But then once you have it, there is nothing.

I really need help with this because it makes me not want to get involved with females anymore and just be single.

Please help me out, before I screw up another relationship!

Thanks!

It depends on what you call fire. Are you connecting on an intellectual level as well as a physical level? Are you letting the relationship get physical rather than getting to know the person and have a friendship first? Is it the girl that cools or is it you? It sounds like you are beginning to realize that once the conquest has been achieved your interest slackens. If you are letting the relationship become physical to soon, before there is something else to attract you, you already know what to do. Compatibility, friendship, shared interests,conversation,shared friends, are all the things that are the glue that keep a relationship interesting. If you go straight to the main attraction it is like watching the end of the movie before you see the beginning. No one wants to watch a movie when they know how it ends. I think you also need to ask your self what you want from these girls. If you your appetite is satisfied so easily maybe all you were looking for was the ego boost of the conquest. Are you looking for a relationship? If not, then you are probably just a normal guy who hasn't found the ONE and only girl for him yet. Not everything that is perfect is lightning bolts and heat. The hotter the fire, the shorter it lasts.

Well it is definetly not that kind of dilemma. I do not want intimacy to begin until marriage. But it always seems as though I really feel so strongly towards someone, and there is a definite connection and absolutely no reason we can't be together, and then once that phase hits (month, 2 months, 3 months) I just get weird for some reason.

I just dont know if there is somehting that I need to be doing, like as far as not being on the phone with her for hours, or what not. I know alot of people begin their relationship on a physical and sexual level, and thats definetly not the situation in my life. My problem is just losing my passion to be with that person, Allllthough, I really want to be with a female and think about long term relationships

I agree with Joandboys.

Here are a few of my own complementary thoughts

Passion is related to fire and to love.
Adolescents & young adults are all geared up for love & passion ~ it's in their hormones ~ I'm assuming that you are in this group??
Often they fall in love with the idea of love.
They will fall in love with actors and pop stars and school sporting stars
They will fall in love with people who are good looking, but whom they don't even know.
They fall in love with a dream person ~ a person who exists, really, only in their own imagination.

You feel fiery passion when you start dating.
At this stage, your girlfirend is on a par with a pop star.
She's attractive; you have woven a web of assumption around her; you don't really know her.
Then you truly get to know her and she is not your dream girl.
She is just another human being.
You lose interest.

And, if you indulge in sexual activity too early in the relationship, then this is probably even more likely to happen.
There's no more challenge.
Nothing to look forward to.
Too easy a conquest.

Yes, I can understand this ~ and I think that it is probably quite common.

There are other threads on here about girls & boys who have started dating the person they always wanted, only to find that they don't want that person any more.

It may be that some people just like the chase. The thrill of it. Winning the prize.
However, there is also the fact that they are chasing a dream.

One day, you will meet a girl you truly love, and trust and respect.
She will love, trust and respect you.
You will be each other's best friend, as well as lovers.
The fire won't go out then.
It may change, from blazing flames, to a gentle glow, but it will last.

As Joandboys says, look for friendship.
Look for intellectual compatibiliy.
Don't get involved physically unless and until you feel something more than the thrill of the chase.

You say that the girl you are currently talking to is amazing and perfect.
Remember, no-one is perfect.
You are sertting yourself and her up to fail if you are expecting perfection and eternal fire.

You get on well together now.
Maybe it will last; maybe it won't.
Think of affection, respect, friendship and trust.

Welcome to the forum, Brent ~ and good luck.

Well I think at this point I should explain some things...I am 21 and will be getting out of college next summer. So as far as maturity and whatnot, I know myself to the point where I have found this problem out and I am trying to help it. Also, sexual attraction or physical attraction is not an issue because although I am not a virgin, I havent had sex since the girl I dated when I lost it 2 years ago. I dont go out to bars and drink and I am planning on waiting for the right one, plus i have gotten spiritual over the past years.

But anyhow...I thank you for replying very fast to my post! It did give me some ideas. And I have somewhat came to realize that I possibly might be losing interest the more I get to know them. I still do not understand the whole "chasing" situation. I have been treated like xxxx from most the girls I have fallen for, and the ones that I have not fallen for treated me good...but then there were qualities that stuck out in my mind and really got to me, which shy'ed me away till I felt nothing. I dont know if you understand or not, but has anyone helped someone like me or felt the way as I do?

Maybe this will help:
Joe sees Karen one day and goes up and talks to her. Karen seems interested and really easy to talk to. Joe sees that there is something about her that he wants to know about and he could see them being together. They give eachother their numbers and they start talking a little bit. Over a couple of weeks Joe and Karen are always talking and everyday and night and it has gotten to the point where they are having real deep conversations about life and their future together and how great it is going to be and are being really hopeful of what is to come. It has come up to the month and Joe has gotten to know Karen really well from talking to her so much and he has seen her, but there still hasnt been and kissing or intimate contact yet...but Joe is feeling different than he was before. Joe is beginning to feel as if he doesnt want to see Karen tonight or call her. He is just going to go to sleep instead or watch TV. Joe also is beginning to notice little "petty" things about Karen that shouldnt bother him, but they do, and he is having doubts. But just 2 WEEKS before, he was really into the relationship. Its like the feelings are empty. But he KNOWS that there is no reason why this girl couldnt be the one for him for the rest of his life. So Joe doesnt know what went wrong or if he might need medicine...

Did that story kinda give you a rough example of what I have gone through...? I dont just see a real cute girl and fall in love, it takes feelings and communication...

Okay, so it's not as if you are getting too physical too quickly, but you are still very young.

You get to know and like girls, and think that they would be right for you, but you haven't actually found 'the one' yet. You haven't found the spark that burns until it forms glowing embers.

I often find it amazing that I have been with my husband for over thirty years, without any serious falling out, or getting on each other's nerves. But we each have faults.

The thing is, when you haven't found Miss Right, you will see the faults in girls you date, after a while. Once you find Miss Right, all will change.

You don't have to have found Miss Right by age 21. My sons are 21 and almost 18 ~ they haven't found Miss Right yet.

One day, I'm guessing that you will.

And remember ~ it's more likely to happen if you stop worrying about it