My will this be confusing & long to explain, I'll try my best.

I met my now best friend over a year ago. I had just been through a very hard time in my life, and was an emotional wreck. We started dating. He worked very hard to ensure my trust in him due to how damaged I was at the time. They say when you meet "the one" you don't have to question it, you just know.

well I just KNEW. I clicked with him like I've clicked with no other. I've never felt so close or so comfortable with anyone else in my entire life. Within the first month I knew without a doubt in my mind that it was inevitable we would love each other one day. The real kind of love, that doesn't burn so bright it fades in an instant, but lasts forever. A few months ago we broke up, for reasons that are aside from the point. That very day he pulled something I did not expect. He told me that he was incapable of love, and that he didn't love anyone but himself and never had. I was very astonished, but because of my feelings for him I didn't lash out at him, I just told him I appreciated his honesty and that I would always be here for him.

4 or 5 months later, and we're still inseparable. It doesn't make sense though. I don't understand how if he's nearly as cold as he says he is, why he goes so out of his way to make me happy? When I'm sad, he calls and talks to me for hours, or surprises me at my house with ice cream. He calls me every night to fall asleep on the phone. He's constantly telling me he misses me and asks me to come over to his house or he comes to mine, just for the sake of spending time with me. When other girls call him to hang out most of the time he ditches them and drives to my house. He's always looking after me and my well being. When I picked up smoking he would get infuriated (and still does) because of how it was damaging my health. If I'm mad at him he gets sad and does anything he can to make it better. I never worry or fear that he'll get tired of me, find another girl & ditch me, because I know in my heart he would never leave me.

Does this sound like someone who's incapable of loving me?

Lately it seems like he makes too many references to his inability to love, and more and more and more its looking like a front or defense mechanism because he's scared. He makes his words sound as convincing as possible (and believe me, he makes them sound very convincing), but his actions completely contradict almost everything he says in relation to emotion. Actions speak louder than words, don't they? In his case, it seems like they speak way louder. To make matters more confusing, when he shuts his mouth about his "cold heart" and just lays with me, I FEEL like he does. Why would my gut instinct be lying to me about this since even the beginning of the relationship? I've done my research on personality disorders that would not allow a person to feel love or empathy for others, and honestly I've never heard of a sociopath, narcissist, or someone with histrionic disorder ever showing so much affection and care towards someone on such a regular basis. it makes no sense.

Yet a part of me is worried I'm just in denial, and all of this will lead to a dead end. What if he is telling the truth? I know I could never love anyone the way I love him.


the other day when he was driving me home, a Spanish song came on the radio, and he translated it for me. It was about someone who was in love with a person who felt nothing for them, and they didn't understand why. It really touched home for me. After the song he said he loved songs like that, because he always wondered what it would be like to love someone like that.

sigh. so confusing.

Does anyone have any sort of insight or advice?
I'm at a loss. = [

I'm not surprised that you are confused.

It would be interesting to know what his definition of love is.
Have you asked him?

He is loving, so what is going on?

Is it something in his past?
Does he come from a loving home?
Has someone told him that he is incapable of loving anyone but himself, and it has become so ingrained that he believes it?

Does he enjoy his relationship with you so much, and get so much out of it, that he feels that it is a selfish situation for him, and therefore cannot be love?

Good luck alexandreina & welcome

he used to say that he believed real love lasted forever, but that's the only description he's given me. Even if he said more, it's hard to describe love period. It's a very complex emotion.


You might be right.
I don't speak Spanish so I never know what his family is saying to each other, but one thing I can gather is that they are cold to each other and broken apart.
The last girl he thought he was in love with (it was more like obsession) broke his heart horribly, and since then he thinks love is related to weakness.

I wish I could make him see otherwise. -_-

Thank you so much! I really appreciate the insight

I would suggest counselling to sort out his feelings ~ do you think that he would go, though?

he tried to go to his therapist... his therapist just looked frightened of him and told him he needed to go to a psychiatrist. -_-

Did he tell you this?
Did anyone go with him and witness the reaction?
He thought that s/he looked 'frightened', but was s/he frightened or did he just think this?
Or is that what he wanted or expected???

It sounds a bit worrying, though, to me.

It's unusual for a therapist to look frightened of a client.
They are used to all sorts of things.
One wonders what on earth he could have said or done to make a therapist respond like this.
What caused him to go in the first place?

Have there been problems in the past?
Has he ever exhibited frightening behaviour, that might explain the above comment?

I would have thought, perhaps, a psychologist rather than a psychiatrist?
Why would a psychiatrist have been recommended?

I just don't know what to say.

He has told you that he had an obsession with a woman in the past; that he is incapable of loving anyone but himself; that his counsellor was afraid of him.
Though his behaviour towards you sounds lovely, his words make alarm bells ring.

Boy you aren't kidding about making alarm bells go off.

I would strongly recommend that you see someone and as soon as possible (therapist, councelor, psychologist whomever). This guy could end up being very dangerous and I think you need to find this out.

Its hard for anyone here to tell you what to do as we are not therapists and do not know this guy or even you but what you have written gives me cause for concern for you.

Like you said your in love and that may be blinding you to some awful truths. The obsession part really worries me and to me from what you have said about him it sound like he also has an obsession about you. It worries me also that he says he is incapable of love. So he is capable of an obsession but not capable of love. And if you don't speak spanish how do you know that he translated the song correctly or just told you what he wanted to.

Please see someone as soon as you can and please tell them EVERYTHING.

I'm sorry to have to say this, but, just from what I have read here, I have to agree with pretty bird.