Desperately want her back

Posted by: Lost4Her

Desperately want her back - 05/29/12 11:47 PM

Not sure how I found this site and after I found it I needed to vent, but I'm guessing I need some real advice on what to do here.

My wife and i were friends for about a year-and-a-half before we were married. I won't lie when i say that it was love at first sight for me and those feelings grew the more I knew about her. We got married and she became pregnant with our daughter. Just before our daughter turned 1, my wife, at the time, got a job at a bar in downtown Ft. Myers, Fl. I could understand her need to get back to work and have some kind of life outside of the house and being full-time mom. I was making plenty of money and there was no need for her to work, but I could understand her need.

Just over a month after our daughter's first birthday my wife started going to work at 4pm as usual. She would get off at eleven and usually have a drink with a friend, then come straight home. That all changed. She started going to work at 4pm, but then not coming home until noon the next day. This happened over several weekends. She usually worked Thurs, Fri and Sat. Friday nights were her "stay out until the following day" nights. I couldn't take it. I tried talking to her about it. She would say "You told me you didn't want me driving if I had been drinking." Her place of business was right over the river. A quick 2 mile drive and I could have picked her up.

Anyway, one thing led to another. I never said anything hurtful. I tried convincing her that time would heal our love and even tried to get her to go to a marriage counselor. Too bad I didn't know the difference between a "Marriage Counselor" and a "Marriage Therapist" at the time. I would have made the appointment with the Therapist. They'll actually do all they can to resolve marriage issues where a Counselor will just say "Oh well." If anyone looked at our Wedding Album, you would see in her face, and agree with me, that she was happy.

The guy she left me for turned out to be addicted to all sorts of pills and cocaine and physically abused her several times. They are no longer together thanks to an intervention by her brothers. They didn't want to see me arrested for handling it myself.

Here it is, six years later. Sure, I've been mad at her, but overall, without any doubt in my mind, I am still in love with her. My daughter lives with me full-time during the school year. Her mother lives 3 hours away, still in Ft. Myers. Her family loves me and wants nothing more than for her to get back with me. My daughter's great-grandmother tells me that she the prays in church every Sunday for us to be together again. She's not presently with anyone, and has not been since the jerk who abused her got tossed from her life.

For the past year, we have been intimate on a regular basis. I rub her feet which she loves, and I do too. I usually hate feet, but I really love something about hers. Anyway, we've made love on many occasions, and almost regularly (every time we saw each other) up until a month ago when she got back on birth control which seems to have caused a hormone change which negatively affected her overall attitude. She lives 3 hours away from us. She works double-shifts at the restaurant she serves at. She's been drinking a lot. I think she's really depressed as well. She told us in March she was going to move in with us and find a job on the East Coast of Florida, but it has not happened yet.

I assure you that I am not deluding myself. I truly do love her. I lose sleep some nights. My daughter, now 6, wants nothing more than to see us back together again. She knows how deeply I love her mother, and her.

Where do I go from here?
Posted by: PDM

Re: Desperately want her back - 05/30/12 02:21 AM

Hello and welcome, Lost4Her smile

What a very difficult situation!

I shall have to give this some thought, before replying, and am not sure that I will know what to say, even then

I just wanted to acknowledge your post, in the first instance.

Just a question, though, so you think that she still loves you?
And what about her feelings for your daughter?
Do you know if she imbibing anything else, other than alcohol?
Posted by: PDM

Re: Desperately want her back - 05/30/12 05:28 PM

Hi again smile

Some thoughts;

It sounds as if your wife felt the need to break away and have some freedom ~ first with the job, then staying out, finally moving away ~ even when she was the mother of a young baby. Did she marry very young and not realise the responsibility that she was taking on?

She left you for someone, who was not good for her, so one has to wonder why ~ especially when this also meant leaving her daughter behind. Was she seeking excitement and adventure, or just escape from the realities of life, or had she fallen out of love and just needed to leave the marriage behind?

Now there is talk of you getting back together:
Is it what she really wants, or does she say it to keep the peace?
Perhaps she does not want to feel 'trapped' as housewife and mother, again?
Perhaps she is fearful of changing things ~ she may just like everything the way that it now is?

I would have recommended relationship counselling, but you have already tried that. Counsellors cannot actually 'do' anything; they can only enable you to look at your own problems objectively, so that they may be dealt with.

If counselling didn't help, then maybe your marriage is not meant to be. Perhaps your current friendly but separate relationship might be best for all of you.

You know what you want, but what does she really want?
Have you asked her?
Have you had a serious discussion with her about all of this?

When did you have counselling?
What do you think went wrong (bearing in mind that counsellors are not there to make decisions for you)?
Posted by: tessboss

Re: Desperately want her back - 05/31/12 12:30 PM

Welcome to the forum and sorry for all your pain. Your wife sounds immature and does not sound stable enough to make good choices in her life.

My concern would be for your daughter. She would be devastated if you got back together and your wife left again. By your hanging on, you are stuck in one spot and giving your wife all the power and control over your life and your daughters.

Maybe it would be wise for you to get some therapy for you. It may help you sort out the ever changing events and help you to move on. The fact that you you are sleeping with her regularly is not helping you think clearly and make good choices yourself.

You may never stop loving her but you may be able to love her in a different way and move on with your life. You are waiting for her to decide your future and your happiness but you should be in control of your future. The fact that she said she was moving back in March and hasn't done it tells me she does not really want to commit to you again. She may come back but very well may leave again when she finds what she thinks is a new and better path later.

Sorry to say but she sounds very much like she has a substance abuse problem and drowns her feelings in alcohol and drugs. The fact that she left a great guy and her daughter for a junky abuser says volumes.

Take care of your self and your daughter and please think about getting some help for both of you to move on.

Posted by: preciousbaby

Re: Desperately want her back - 05/31/12 04:19 PM

I, too am so sorry for your situation. I can relate to this as my then husband of fifteen years turned forty years old and his alcoholism took on a life of it's own. He cheated on me with one of the married nurses were he worked. She had two children and I found out about this when the women's husband called me. I had since moved out because he thought it was best to have time apart. I constantly cried and then decided that I deserved a better life. I found Al-Anon which is a Twelve Step Program for family members and friends of Alcoholics. Your former wife's drinking bothers you and creates chaos for you. It really doesn't matter what she does with her life, as your job is to: 1. Take care of yourself and 2. To be the best for your daughter. Her mother won't be there for her, because alcohol is her best friend. Al-Anon changed my life. I still think about my former husband and I will always love him. I don't miss the verbal abuse and him staying out all night.

YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!! Believe it and try Al-Anon. It's free and you will smile again.

Good Luck!

Posted by: Lost4Her

Re: Desperately want her back - 06/03/12 10:21 PM

OK, so I didn't get the email saying I had responses so I'm going to have to read some of this over and respond. By the way, she just left. She's been here since Thursday night and we've had a great 3 days together.

Let me review the responses above and I'll answer as much as I can and hopefully i can figure this all out.
Posted by: PDM

Re: Desperately want her back - 06/05/12 12:35 AM

Good luck smile
Posted by: Dave40

Re: Desperately want her back - 06/07/12 11:30 PM

[PDM: Post about casting spells deleted.]