Cant live without him

Posted by: aclyons

Cant live without him - 11/13/08 01:12 PM

My husband told me recently that he doesn't feel like I couldn't live without him. What do I say to that? Then he goes on to say that he wants me to make him feel loved. Im confused and I'm not sure what to do or say.
Posted by: PDM

Re: Cant live without him - 11/13/08 02:55 PM

Hello aclyons & welcome smile

Without more information, it is difficult to say, but, I could suggest a few things. Let us know if they ring true.

First, it's as well to ask ~ do you love him?
If so, do you ensure that he knows that you love him?
Do you feel loved by him?
Are you actually very very competent and independent?

In the past, women depended very much on their menfolk and this gave men their raison d'etre. They knew where they stood. Nowadays, women are much more able to deal with things themselves. This has left a lot of men wondering what their role is & feeling that they are not needed.

When women have children, men often feel pushed out, as if they are on the sidelines and not part of the important mother/child unit.

Women seem to suffer quite a bit from fatigue. It may be hormonal. Maybe it's to do with going to work, running the home and maybe even looking after children at the same time. This leaves less energy for showing enthusiasm for their husbands ~ whether it is a welcoming hug and smile on meeting, or making love in bed.

The thing is, most women can cope without men. That's just a truism. After all, most elderly women are left widowed, and, even at that age, they cope.

On the other hand, if women love their men, they don't want to cope alone. They want to share their lives with their soul mates. They want to love and nurture and they want to feel loved and nurtured. They want to share their joys and sorrows.

Do you tell your husband that you love him?
Do you tell him how lucky you feel to have him to share your life with?
Do you smile and give him a hug when he returns from work or whatever?
Do you feel loved and nurtured?
Have you started to take each other for granted, so that you don't bother to kiss each other hello and goodbye and goodnight?
Do you still go out together, for drinks, or a meal, or the theatre, or a sports event, or anything like that?

How long have you been married?
Is this a new thing for your husband, or has he felt like this for a while?
Do you have children?
Do you have children who live with you?
Do you live with in-laws?
Have you had any major things happening in your lives recently?
Has your husband lost his job, or lost a relative, or have you started a new job, or has a child left home ~ anything like that?

I would recommend that you sit and have a good long chat together about this. Be objective. Don't let arguments develop. Just be open with each other.

If you do still love him, tell him so.

If you do feel that you could cope without him, that's ok, but ~ provided it's true, of course ~ tell him that you wouldn't want to cope without him, because life is better working as a team.

I also suggest that you go to the library and read some of the 'Venus and Mars' books. I think that they are very good for helping women to understand men ~ and vice versa.

You can listen to useful talks at the website, as well.

http://home.marsvenus.com/
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Men-Mars-Women-V...6311&sr=8-1
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Mars-Venus-Colli...6311&sr=8-3G

Good luck smile
Posted by: Carl

Re: Cant live without him - 11/13/08 03:14 PM

All good advice given by PDM.

Beyond that, you really can't "make him" feel loved.

He may need to seek counseling so that he can be an equal in your relationship rather than wanting someone desperate for him.

Rather than saying that he needs help, however, it may be better to suggest marriage counseling, so he doesn't get defensive.
Posted by: london blue rose

Re: Cant live without him - 11/13/08 04:22 PM

how old is he? is he immature on other levels too?
Posted by: aclyons

Re: Cant live without him - 11/13/08 05:06 PM

I do love my husband very much!Im 25 and he is 26. We have been together for about 3 years and married a year of that. We have no children, just bought a house and yes he did get fired from a job. But, he has a new job now and hes slowly getting into that, which may take time bc hes selling mort. insurance etc. We have both read the 5 love languages book which I thought helped us out a lot in understanding each others wants and needs. I tell him I love him, I tell him thank you for the things he does around the house for me (my love language is acts of service). Sometimes though, like today. He acts like a girl about things. More so than I do about things sometimes. It all started out with him saying that I needed to be more romantic. So, I started to pry. I asked how so. He kept telling me I didnt get it and I told him he was right he needed to explain. Then he says "I just want you to make me feel like you cant live without me." And now hes saying make me feel loved...I agree that he should know I know I love him and that I shouldnt have to "make" him feel loved. Its almost like he wants too much and anything I do isnt enough.
Posted by: Carl

Re: Cant live without him - 11/13/08 05:30 PM

I'm not too fond of the labels and descriptions about what should be "male" and what should be "female" - yet, I do understand what you are saying.

Sometimes things can get over complicated by how-to books and personality profiles.

Also, something may be going on that is not so obvious - that is making him feel threatened and affecting his self-esteem. Maybe the firing started it, and maybe the new job is frightening him.

So he feels less a "man" and able to support you. So he's overcompensating in the home.

What do you do? Maybe talk about your own concerns and things that bother you. That can lead back to the way he is feeling. And that the real problem isn't your love for each other, but the fears and anxieties that life in this world brings.

Good luck.
Posted by: PDM

Re: Cant live without him - 11/13/08 05:40 PM

Originally Posted By: aclyons
...yes he did get fired from a job. But, he has a new job now and hes slowly getting into that...

I'm guessing that this has affected his self-esteem much more than you may have assumed.
He needs his self-esteem boosting.
He probably feels like a failure and so needs to know that he is not a failure as a husband.
Originally Posted By: aclyons
... Sometimes though, like today. He acts like a girl about things. More so than I do about things sometimes. ....

I don't really understand. What does this mean? confused
Quote:
I agree that he should know I know I love him and that I shouldnt have to "make" him feel loved. Its almost like he wants too much and anything I do isnt enough.

I disagree ~ I think that he deserves to be told, by you, that you love him, and need him, so that he really feels loved & useful and wanted.
Posted by: PDM

Re: Cant live without him - 11/13/08 07:21 PM

I just want to add something.

According to some psychological items I have read, men tend to see & describe themselves according to the job they do. If they lose that job, then it can be as if the rug has been pulled from under them.

They may lose their sense of identity and all their confidence in who they are. They may then worry that their spouse will also lose confidence in who they are and what they can do. Hence the assumption that you can cope very well without him.

He needs to know that you don't want to cope without him; that you love and need him as much as ever; that you need his love and support, etc.

If he has had his confidence shattered, then he will need some tlc, and, aclyons, if you think about it, who else can he go to for tender loving care, other than you? smile
Posted by: Carl

Re: Cant live without him - 11/13/08 07:30 PM

True, you can't "make" him "feel" loved, but you can hug him, and hold him, and let him know you care.
Posted by: aclyons

Re: Cant live without him - 11/14/08 11:38 AM

Thanks guys for all your input. All your comments have helped a great deal!!!
Posted by: Carl

Re: Cant live without him - 11/14/08 12:32 PM

You are welcome. And we're here whenever you want to talk.
Posted by: PDM

Re: Cant live without him - 11/14/08 02:33 PM

I'm glad that we could help.
I hope that things are improving.
Take care! smile