Posted by: JoeNathan

Dilemma - 01/20/08 01:40 AM

Hey guys,

I first want to say that I'm not even sure what I'm writing will make sense or have any relevance to the topic of stress due to the state of mind I'm in at this moment. I'm stressed out and I think I'm doing it partly to myself. I get real bad tension headaches from my stress. At first I thought I was getting migraines since my dad gets them, but mines strictly tension headaches... and sometimes they're chronic.

I've been sort of dealing with a dilemma. My roommate has asked me to move with him to Arkansas (we live in MS) once he graduates college. He's getting a job as a web developer with Dilliards corporate office. He said if I went and interviewed with them this coming February, I could definitely get a job with the same company. Now I'm also in information technology. I work for a company in the same town as I graduated college from. I do a lot of break-and-fix and new installations. Its a great job. Its a great opportunity to further my career. I do love what I'm doing. The only downside to this company that I'm with is that we're an outsourcing firm, which means we have a lot of different businesses with different networking infrastructures and different needs. It does get stressful at times. I have had to stay late nights at work. Its fine because I love what I'm doing.

Here's the dilemma I'm faced with. My roommate is probably right that I do have a good chance in getting on with Dilliards, but I doubt I'd be doing what I'm doing now. I fear that I may get stuck writing software, which I do NOT want to do. From what I've researched, thats really the only positions they're offering at Dilliards. One the other hand, I do have some good people... friends that are going to Arkansas. Probably the only ones I have in this town.

Heres the other side: In the town I'm in currently, I've only been with this company for 10 months. And the stuff I'm getting to do is what I love and want to do for the rest of my life. But I'm living in a small town with a huge university. I have a lot of issues fitting in with people. Ever since I started going to this college, I didn't make really any friends... and I certainly didn't start any relationships. I went on a few dates, but nothing ever got started. The bottom line is that I'm lonely here. But I have a great career starting with the company I'm with. I have very few friends (all of them male). I can't find any female friends. I've tried... I've really tried. Even with some of the ladies I work with. I look at Arkansas at being filled with better social opportunity for me, but then I risk going to a job that I'm not happy with. I stay here and I'm not happy because I'm lonely.

I'm not asking for advice on what decision I should make. I know that I have more options than that. I could look for a different place to work in Arkansas or just go and get the heck out of here. Basically, I just stress out so much about being lonely that its partly the cause of my tension headaches. I consider a big part of my personality to be hopelessly romantic. I'm the guy that would leave a rose and a note attached to the windshield. But I feel like that part of me is slowly dying every other day I wake up. It drives me crazy just thinking about it and I know its adding to the stress from my dilemma, work, and everything else.

I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore or what I was aiming at or what my point was. I just know I'm either delusional or so stressed I can't think straight. All I know is that I wish I had someone here that I could rest my head upon.
Posted by: pretty bird

Re: Dilemma - 01/20/08 03:39 AM

To me you sound a lot like my youngest son. He ended up moving around a few times and for awhile did not have girl friends and was living by himself in a new city.
Believe it or not he met his wife on the internet and those two are just so made for each other its not funny. They are both in their 30's by the way and have now been married for 3 years and they act like a couple of teenagers in love. So hope that gives you a little better outlook. Your young and will probably work at more than one place. My husband started out with a computer company when he got out of the service worked for them for 20 years and then they decided to get rid of all of their computer techs This was a company that we thought he would retire from (ha ha) So if you think you would like to go with your friends I'd say go for it.
Posted by: Cetan

Re: Dilemma - 01/20/08 09:05 PM

I would say seriously consider the move. Even if the job you get is not exactly what you want to do consider it a temporary step, you might actually like it or there may be other opportunities that open up and it will always look good on a resume.
Posted by: JoeNathan

Re: Dilemma - 01/21/08 10:30 PM

I am definitely consider moving at some time, but I feel its too soon. I want to put in what I can and get what experience and knowledge I can out of the job I'm at. I really feel its too soon.

Pretty bird did your son meet his wife through an internet dating site? I'm curious b/c I have tried those and have had much difficulty with them.
Posted by: pretty bird

Re: Dilemma - 01/22/08 08:05 PM

Yes he did meet her that way. I can't believe how much they also have in common. She ended up being just perfect for him. Don't stop trying the right one for you is out there. I think you want to look for one that has lots of your same interests plus a few of her own that way there is lots for you to talk about and do and somethings that you may be also able to learn and enjoy as well.
I get a kick out of the 2 of them they are both in their 30's now and been married for 3 years just had a baby girl this last summer and they act like 2 teenagers in love. I can just tell my son is so happy with her and loves her deeply and I think she feels the same way.
Posted by: PDM

Re: Dilemma - 01/23/08 01:16 PM

Originally Posted By: JoeNathan
...I'm not even sure what I'm writing will make sense or have any relevance to the topic of stress due to the state of mind I'm in at this moment. I'm stressed out and I think I'm doing it partly to myself. I get real bad tension headaches from my stress. .. sometimes they're chronic.
You are 25 and so stressed and confused that it is making you feel ill ~ or, at least, something is giving you chronic headaches. This is not good, for various reasons, so let's try to make some sense of it.
I've been sort of dealing with a dilemma. My roommate has asked me to move with him to Arkansas .....

Ok, so you have a dilemma:

Your roommate has asked you to move with him to Arkansas from Mississippi. (I just checked what 'MS' stands for). I see from the map that these are neighbouring states.
You are both in IT and he says that you could definitely get a job with his new company.

Let's look at the pros & cons:

What is positive about staying in Mississippi?
You have a great job, with the promise of a great career. After only 10 months you are doing exactly what you love and want to do for the rest of your life. The people are pleasant.

What is negative about staying in Mississippi?
You have had to work late nights at work ~ you don't mind because you love what you are doing ~ but it does get stressful at times.
Sometimes, after work, you just need to wind down with the few hours left in the day.
You live in a small town where you find it difficult to fit in with the people.
You haven't begun any relationships since you moved to this town to attend college.
You have had no girlfriend here and have no female friends.
You have very few male friends here and most of them are moving to Arkansas.
You are lonely here. You say: 'I stay. here and I'm not happy because I'm lonely.'
Loneliness is adding to the stress from your work dilemma

What is positive about going to Arkansas?
Most of your friends are moving to Arkansas ~ and you find it hard to make new friends.
You think that you might have a good chance of getting a job with Dilliards and doing well there.
You think that Arkansas may be full of social opportunities.

What is negative about going to Arkansas?
You would have to leave your great job with all its potential for a great career.
You don't actually know, for definite, that Dilliards have a job for you
You might get stuck writing software, or doing something else, that you don't want to do.
You risk leaving a fantastic job and going to one where you are not happy.

More from me in a while ...
Posted by: PDM

Re: Dilemma - 01/23/08 01:53 PM

My roommate is probably right that I do have a good chance in getting on with Dilliards...

...From what I've researched, thats really the only positions they're offering at Dilliards.
It sounds like you are not really sure what is on offer.

First, I would say, why not phone Dilliards, yourself?
Tell them about your qualifications and experience and find out, for sure, if they have a job for you; whether there is anything in your own line of interest; what opportunities there are for the future; etc, etc. You seem to be making decisions based on possibilities, fears, risks and maybes, rather than hard facts. If they seem to have something to offer, 'sell yourself' to them.

You say that you know that you have more options and could look for work in Arkansas. So why don't you look?
Have you checked out anywhere? Surely your company isn't the only one offering the work you like? You must be good at your work if you are getting on so well, so, again, you could 'sell yourself' to another company ~ tell them how good you are.

I know that this sounds difficult, because you are shy, and find it hard to relate to people, but do try. Tell yourself that you can do it. Read some self-help books like 'How to Win Friends & Influence People'.

Second, don't allow yourself to remain in this rut of miserable loneliness. You sound like a very nice and intelligent young man, but you have got to be more assertive. What are your choices?

You say that you either go to Arkansas, where you will have your friends, but be miserable in work, or stay in Mississippi, without your friends, be lonely and stressed, but enjoy your work.

Which is more important to you?
Job satisfaction?

But are there more options?
You could go with your friends and find a job that you like.
You could stay where you are and go out and find like-minded people.

Again, I know that this sounds difficult, since you are very shy and take a long time to be relaxed with new people, especially as you feel that you have already tried and failed, but you are not going to have a successful private life if you are working all hours and then getting rid of your frustrations in the gym.

You need a life full of other things. You are only 25! You need to have lots of interests to be interesting to others ~ especially girls. Many girls like chatting and dancing, for example. Of course, a lot like IT, but they may not want to talk about it too much. I said before, 'all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy'. I wasn't joking when I suggested amateur dramatics.

You need to make time for yourself, so that you can build up a life outside the office, and a social network. If you are working 45-50 hours per week, then I cannot see how your current job allows for this ~ so perhaps it's not so great, after all?

Or does it fill a gap?
Does it stop you needing to worry about friendships, too, much because you are married to your work?

You gave some advice to another lad on the forum: 'Praying helps too. Try talking to God and see if He gives you an answer, or at least a different path to travel.' If you believe in this, try praying, yourself. It may help to calm you, so that you can reach a reasoned decision.

Why not make a new start with your old friends?
I wonder how close you are to them, though, since you say how very lonely you are ~ even now, with them around.

What about relatives? Are you close to them?

Either way, friends need to be treasured. Going with them has got to be better than being unhappy and lonely, hasn't it?
With the exception of the job, this town seems to have very negative associations for you.

Maybe you could go on an assertiveness course ~ as part of your personal development for work, perhaps?
Posted by: PDM

Re: Dilemma - 01/23/08 04:57 PM

Jonathan, have a read of this thread & see if you can see any comparisons:

I haven't read it all, but the opening post reminded me of yours.
Posted by: JoeNathan

Re: Dilemma - 01/25/08 05:13 AM

Thanks PDM,

I read David's post and it was as if I was looking into a mirror.

I've read over everything you've written and I appreciate the thought you put into your responses. I'm pretty much aware of all you've written. I know where I stand and I've sorted out the pros and cons. The other part to this is time. What I think I'm planning on doing is staying with this company for another year or so just for experience and certification purposes, and then look to go elsewhere. The Arkansas decision has just come too soon for me. Like I said, from what I've researched, Dilliards is only offering positions for software developers and I cannot stand writing software. But I'm still looking for other jobs at other businesses to see what comes up.

As far as the social issues, I made the comment on David's thread that it would be nice to find a girl that could see the potential and take some initiative herself. Dunno if such a girl even exists.
Posted by: PDM

Re: Dilemma - 01/25/08 02:13 PM

Be positive ~ that's a start!
Good luck!