I don't know how to deal with this anymore...

Posted by: УK1674

I don't know how to deal with this anymore... - 12/28/08 09:04 PM

My mom isn't getting any better. Still yelling at me and i am on antidepressants now and they help a bit to deal with the constant yelling but my dad is starting to ignore me and what i have to go through now i am beginning to feel completely alone. he tells me i have to deal with it and if i need to call him at work to do so. well i call him practically in tears because my mom just wont leave me alone and he talks to her and she stops for a bit and it starts again i just lock my self in my room to try to refrain from actually hurting her then she calls my dad who then yells at me when he gets home for not being able to work it out with out him. He has no clue what is happening while he is at work no matter what i tell him he thinks that i am lieing. I just can't stand it anymore. When he is home she is perfectly fine and leave me alone for the most part but when he is not it is a living hell in my house. He keeps telling me i have to deal with it but how am i supposed to do that? talk to my mom? she is sick and can't comprehend that all the yelling is driving me towards suicide or murder. My psychologist tells me i should have more patience and i try to but i don't have nearly enough to deal with it. My psychiatrist tells me to avoid my mom but i cant because if i leave my dad will yell at me even more because my mom will call him telling him i left. It doesn't help that every weekend when i would have a chance to be by my self that my dad makes me go with him and my mom shopping with them and i just follow them around like a dog on a leash and don't do a dang thing. How can i get my dad to realise how badly i need some time alone?
Posted by: me3000

Re: I don't know how to deal with this anymore... - 12/28/08 09:52 PM

ill tell you what usually helps me..
case may be a lil diff but any advise might help
when you go into your room... turn on some music... that you like .. better if its not talking about suicide or the likes.. (just because it will keep you thinking about that)
and (just to be sure .. r u a male or female?)
i read in another post that you r 15 rite?

but ok..
i have been through something similar.. and well it helps to write things down.. after that you can tear the paper up or whatever..
if you dont want to do a journal like thing then make it into a poem or a song or something..

as far as the shopping goes.. i can still only suggest things to try... you might ask if you can -if ur interested in video games- ask to go to the electronics and have them run by to get you when they r done..
or maybe bring something to listen to while you walk with them..
if music doesnt help then i will try to help think of another way.. but music is a big influence for me...

Hope this helps..
best wishes..
and i know you have prolly heard this a dozen times but
things tend to get better even when they r at their worst
Posted by: Anonymous

Re: I don't know how to deal with this anymore... - 12/28/08 09:57 PM

Whew --- sorry you have to go through all this.

My immediate thought, with regard to your last sentence, is: Ask your psychologist to step in. I know that seems radical but I think if he/she can talk with your dad, maybe they can figure out something that will help you get some moments of "down time" from the stress.

I give you credit for locking yourself in your room rather than lashing out at your mother.

I'm not taking your dad's side here, but I want to point out that he obviously cares about you, and told you to call him at work whenever you need to (which is more than many parents would do). He is probably very stressed out, worrying about you, your mom, his job, and other stuff.

At the same time, though, he IS a parent and it sounds like he's struggling to manage the situation.

Do you have an aunt, uncle, or grandparent who could help out?

Again, please try to ride out this chaotic time and see if your psychologist can work something out with your dad...
Posted by: me3000

Re: I don't know how to deal with this anymore... - 12/28/08 10:04 PM

i agree as well with Pudgie's Mom..
and that is a good suggestion... is there anyone in the family that you are close too that you feel comfortable talking with...

how often do you see your psychologist?
and are you an only child?

Sorry for the hardships.. :-(

BTW just so you know i am about your age as well.. (16)
idk if that matters but there you ge neways.. :-D
Posted by: Carl

Re: I don't know how to deal with this anymore... - 12/28/08 10:10 PM

I'm no where near your age. I'm an old man of 65. But I care about what is happening to you and the way that life is treating you.

One thing that is good, I think. You're able to talk to us.

It's good to have friends, don't you think?

Try to hold on. Just a little while longer, and you can legally be on your own.

I know - two years or so is not "a little while" to you.

But we're on your side!
Posted by: PDM

Re: I don't know how to deal with this anymore... - 12/28/08 10:44 PM

Hello J.

I am sorry to hear that you are having problems again.

And I agree with all the other comments on here

You say that your Mum is ill.
What is the matter with her?
What does she do?
Is she having any treatment for her problem?

Why is your Mum angry at you?
What is she actually 'yelling' about?
Does she get out much?
Does she have friends?

Would it be possible for you all to have family counselling?

At least you have your Dad and your psychologist to talk to ~ and us!

As for your Dad, it must be a huge worry to him that your mother is ill and knowing that you are so stressed that you need to see a psychiatrist. And he has to go to work. He is only human. He probably isn't getting enough sleep, if I'm guessing correctly. When men can't cope, they often retreat into themselves. It may appear that he is ignoring you, but I think that it is probably just a coping mechanism for him, so that he can stay well enough to look after you.

He has arranged counselling for you and he lets you telephone him at work ~ that's an option that wouldn't be available to many young people. I know it's hard, but just try to find the positive in all this.

One reason that teenage years are difficult, is that kids are going through a hormonal time and their Mums are often going through a hormonal time too. Add in health problems, and that is a recipe for the stresses that you are experiencing.

How long is it until you will be able to go off to college?
Are you able to go to the summer camps, etc, that I see in a lot of American TV shows?

Is there a youth club, or sports club, homework club, or anything, that you could join, so that you are tied up at weekends and have some time away from your parents?

Do you have any relatives or friends, who you could stay with, for a break?

There are some things that you can try. They might make you feel highly emotional, but they might get rid of some of your anger, despair and frustration. You could ask your psychiatrist about them:

~ Punch a pillow or cushion ~ make sure that it is strong but soft.
~ Slap the wall with a wet (not dripping wet) towel ~ don't let the floor get wet and slippery, or you could get into trouble.
~ Write a letter, as Brittanie suggested, with all your concerns in it, and then destroy it.

I agree, in theory, about patience, but theory and practice are not the same. Does your psychiatrist realise how bad you feel?
Pudgie's Mom may be right about asking 'your psychologist to step in.'

Try to ride this out. When you are just a little older, things will most likely improve. smile

There is usually someone on the forum to talk to, so put your thoughts on here if it helps. I hope that it does. smile

Posted by: Amaggiepie

Re: I don't know how to deal with this anymore... - 12/29/08 01:26 AM

Im sorry your going through this. I had a lot of the same problems with my mom, and just moved out this year (when I turned 18). We have always had a rough relationship, but when I was 16, I had a baby, and since she found out I was pregnant, it was like she suddenly hated me.

We still dont have a good relationship, but since I have moved my life has gotten a lot better. I know its hard, but just try to be patient. Maybe plan to do some things like clubs, etc. to take up your time. I used to read and write alot. Also, maybe when you turn 16 you could get a part time job. This would keep you busy and also help you save up money to move out later on and for things you want.

I hope you are able to work things out. Please keep us posted.
Posted by: kksuns

Re: I don't know how to deal with this anymore... - 12/29/08 03:39 AM

Wow, you are really going through a major tough spot. It's hard enough being a teenager without all the added stress. I wish I had some answers for you.
Do you ever meet with your psychologist with your dad there too? If not, I think maybe you should try to arrange it. Maybe that way..hearing it from your doc..your dad would finally realize that you DO need a break from your mom. That you need time to yourself to decompress before you have a nervous breakdown. I don't understand why you should have to go shopping with them, unless it's because your dad doesn't want to have to go alone with your mom? I have no idea just how bad your mom's condition is or even what it is for that matter. But I do know that you need time to yourself- even if it's just while they are shopping it would give you a little break.Heck, even without having to deal with your mom's constant yelling and stuff you should have time to yourself! You're a teenager, and yeah I believe teenagers need some space and a chance to make decision and choices in order to grow.
Do you have friends that you can stay with for a weekend or something? Or aunts, uncles,cousins that know your situation and would be willing to help? Maybe even by just coming to your house and spending time with your mom or taking her out for a while?
Wow, sometimes life really does suck huh? But you need to hang in there.
You really, really, really need to talk things over with your psychologist and get him/her to talk to your dad about cutting you some slack and giving you time to yourself before you explode. Hopefully if he hears it from the doc it will open his eyes to what you are really going through.Although I do think dad is doing the best he can under the circumstances. He probably doesn't know how to deal with it all himself and I'm sure it scares him.
Hang tough, better days are coming I promise.You're getting older every day and soon you'll be able to get a job, drive a car, and eventually move out.
And like everyone else said-if you need to talk and vent,hell scream holler or cry we ARE here for you.
Posted by: Anonymous

Re: I don't know how to deal with this anymore... - 12/29/08 04:38 AM

very sorry that this is happening, my first thought is ... move out ... but i do not know how old you are, so that might not be an option, enless you have relatives you can stay with.

My second thought is to record it. most cell phones have a record option for voice notes, if not use the video function in your phones camera.

or get a cheap voice recorder, or even most old time tape players will record voice.

do it just so your dad and psychologist can hear it to see what is really going on, and i would absolutely have your psychologist step in, that is their job.

and the ideas about finding other activities to do, outside of the house are for sure good ideas, try to occupy yourself outside the home as often as you can.
Posted by: kksuns

Re: I don't know how to deal with this anymore... - 12/29/08 01:55 PM

I also thought of recording it. If there is any way you can, then I'd say it's worth a try.Something has to open your dad's eyes to just how bad things are.
I thought about you and all you are going through alot last night and this morning. I'm very worried about you. If you are on antidepressants and you have thought about suicide, you really need to tell your dad and your psychologist about it.PLEASE!!!
I wish there was something I could do to help you out. If it were an option I would let you come stay with my family in a heartbeat, but since you don't even know us and you live in California and we in NY I don't see it happening.
I'm sorry I must have missed a previous thread about this, so I don't know what is wrong with your mom. How long ago did this start? and how were things between you before she got sick?
I know one thing-as a mom myself I can only hope that if I somehow ended up treating one of my kids that way because of an illness or otherwise, I would hope that my husband (their father) would do ANYTHING to get them out of the line of fire! Apparently your mom does not realize what she is doing to you, and if she were aware of it she too would tell your dad to get you out of the situation before you go crazy or before you lose all the love you have for her.She's your mom and I'm sure she loves you and wouldn't want you to be going through this.
Talk to your psychologist as soon as you can and tell him/her about you suicidal thoughts and also get him to talk to your dad.I don't know if there are support groups for people going through similar situation but your psychologist might know. I think it would help to be able to talk to others who have or are going through similar situation. It would help just knowing you are not the only one and maybe someone who's been there themselves can give you suggestions as to how to deal.
Posted by: PDM

Re: I don't know how to deal with this anymore... - 12/29/08 03:29 PM

I agree. smile

And remember, J, that if things ever get really bad, and suicidal or violent thoughts are dragging you down, there are helplines that you can call.

I found some for you, before, in California.
Do you have those numbers to hand?
Phone them for support, if you need extra help.
You could phone them, anyway, just to get things off your chest.
We all care ~ remember that!

I think that, perhaps, the situation at home gets harder to deal with if & when you feel unsure about the relationship with your girlfriend ~ and vice versa. Is that correct?

When you are just a little bit older, I think that you will have more freedom, to spend more time with her, and less time at home.
Posted by: me3000

Re: I don't know how to deal with this anymore... - 12/29/08 07:48 PM

i sincerely hope that the advice everyone is giving has helped...
and i hope that in this you see that all of us here really want to help you in any way possible...
please keep us updated ...
it is good that you are obviously trying to receive help...
i am truly sorry that you are going through this and i too have thought about you all night and day...
i am curiuous...
when do the yellings seem more frequent..
in early morning... around lunch.... or what?
i know that it is worse when it is just the two of you ....
and please let us know if there is anything else we can do to help

Posted by: Anonymous

Re: I don't know how to deal with this anymore... - 12/29/08 11:14 PM

I don't usually post here, but I just wanted to say I'm really sorry you're going through all of this. When did all this yelling start?? You know, I don't know if this is the case, but is it possible that your mom is going through, "the change of life?" This could very likely be the reason why she is yelling and screaming all the time. It usually starts when women are in their 40's and 50's, mostly 40's. In that case, if that's what it is, she's probably just yelling at you because of what she's going through. I've witnessed, "the change of life," my mom went through it and I can tell ya, it's no picnic. There was a lot of yelling, crying, screaming, complaining, etc... I thought she was loosing her mind, honestly. It took about 2-3 years for her to get back to normal, felt like a lifetime though. Now she only yells at me 20 times a day instead of 100 LOL j/k. I don't know if this is what your mom is going through, I just thought I'd mention it because it sounds very similar to what I experienced a few years ago. One minute she can be fine, next minute she'll be yelling at me for nothing like over the most ridiculous things. If I left my shoes in the dining room it would be an hour of screaming. All I kept thinking was, what's happening to my mom, I felt like I didn't know her anymore. Now I can laugh about it, but I tell ya, it wasn't funny then. If that's all it is, don't worry, it'll pass. For now, just try to be patient with her, just kinda ignore the screaming. Don't loose your temper whatever you do, anything violent towards other people and yourself is only gonna make things worst, trust me on that. I know it's extremely difficult, but just try to understand what she's going through. I hope this helps, just hang in there Jasper.
Posted by: Anonymous

Re: I don't know how to deal with this anymore... - 12/29/08 11:21 PM

thats very true ant, i know when my mom went through it, it was downright horrible !!! and hers was due to a hysterectomy, so it was sudden and painful for her and sudden and stressful for me, and im the only child lol so it was just me in her line of fire and nothing i could do about it.

one minute she was loving and sweet and we were making cookies, the next i was the spawn of satan and she hated me... it did get better within 2 yrs, once she finally admitted there was a problem and got hormone supplements, now she is super again
Posted by: ithica256

Re: I don't know how to deal with this anymore... - 01/16/09 07:57 AM

I had some trouble with my parents a while back when I was younger than you. I went to counseling and felt marvelously better because I thought things were going to change. I thought my parents wouldn't be so crazy anymore. I thought they weren't going to make threats and argue at night and say terrible things that should never be said to a child. Guess what? That didn't happen. They still act crazy. They've toned down their insanity a bit, but I never know when they're going to say something awful. They've made me get rid of my budgies a few times over the years, always repealing all the 'no more pets' decrees. Ironically enough, at times the only reason I could think of not to commit suicide was so that my pets would be taken care of to my satisfaction. My parents may have failed me, but that's no reason for me to fail my pets.
The point is your mom is crazy and she will do what she will do. You have to be the one who changes. You have to take life one step at a time. Your parents have let you down and they'll do it again. You just need to try not to care about what she says. You need to react differently. I'm not saying it is ok for your mom to act as she does. It's not. It's wrong. I'm saying you can't control that, but you can control yourself.
I avoided my parents and ignored their arguments. If my mom says my dad's mad about something, who cares? What can I do about it? How will worrying help? They used to take the car away. I bought my own. They kicked me out for a few days, when they changed their minds, I refused to come back until they agreed to go to counseling. They say I can't have pets, fine, they can stay elsewhere. You need to learn how to be the one sane person in the house.
I had a counselor who also had trouble with her parents. She spent a lot of time at the library. When college came around, she had good grades and went to a college far away. She landed a job and didn't have to deal with her parents on their terms anymore. My older sister moved out too.
Something that might not work, but is worth a try is to give a misresponse. Basically, if she's yelling at you, she expects you to respond in a certain way (yell back, cry, etc.) and then she'll keep going. Don't take the bait. When my mom talks about negative things, I ignore it. I don't reward that behavior. When she talks about good things, I engage in a discussion with her. I'm not saying this will solve the problem, but maybe it'll help a little bit. Maybe, if your mom is yelling, you can act very concerned, "You sound stressed, what can I help you with?" or something else she doesn't expect. She might resist yelling because it sounds really crazy to yell at someone offering help. If she yells at you for not doing the dishes, apologize and go do them. How is she going to respond to that? At the very least she'll be confused and hopefully silent for a minute. Here's a trick I learned in counseling the phrase, "You're right." nine times out of ten gets people to SHUT UP. I read it in a book and tried it on a counselor who was telling me that I needed to do something differently. She responded, "I think I am." and moved on.
I'm sorry that you are having a difficult time, I really am. I went through it too, I still am since I still live at home. You need something healthy to get your mind off of this. Journal writing does help. Talking to people helps. I wish parents didn't do such a good job of screwing up good kids, but they know how to get you where it hurts. All you can do is develop a thicker skin and adapt.
Posted by: PDM

Re: I don't know how to deal with this anymore... - 01/16/09 08:37 AM

Some good ideas there Ithica256. smile

I hope that things are going better, J smile
Posted by: Babies and Birds

Re: I don't know how to deal with this anymore... - 03/04/09 10:59 PM

I'm sorry you're going through this. I too had a similar childhood. Needless to say, I quickly found lots of out of the house activities. I babysat a lot starting at age 10, in middle school and high school I joined as many clubs as I could and joined the band too. LOL I made sure my grades were good and went away to college. I eventually moved several states away, got married, and started my own loving family. I'm still not real close w/ my family but we try not to let the past become present. It has all taught me valuble lessons and had made me the person I am now, so make it a learning experience. By all the hardships, I vowed I would be the total opposite kind of parent and wife, and I am. If you need me, pm me anytime please. I know 2 yrs. is a long time, but you'll make it kiddo! And you'll be a better person for it. smile *hugs*