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A Love Quote
We don't love qualities, we love persons; sometimes by reason of their defects as well as of their qualities. --Jacques Maritain

He is Still Seeing an Ex

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
When my boyfriend and I first started seeing each other, I suspected he had some sort of history with one of his female friends that he frequently texted when we were together. I asked him about it and he denied that anything ever went on between them.

Several months into the relationship, I came across an old texting conversation between the two of them (I wasn't snooping, he was there and let me look through his phone, although I practically demanded to see it because I didn't believe him that the two of them never had a history). I found conversations from when we first began dating, in-exclusively, that had him saying "Why didn't you let me kiss you?" and things like that. I was enraged. Not because he was trying to kiss another girl at the start of us seeing each other, but because he had on several occasions lied to me about it.

I do consider myself a jealous person, but I think that I am very good about expressing WHY I feel the way I feel. I told him that him lying to me was unacceptable, he responded that because they never actually kissed that "nothing happened" and he wasn't lying. He insisted that he was very lonely and she was a long time friend who he had no interest in, but was "bored" and wanted someone to be intimate with, and that he only had eyes for me from the start, but was unsure if we would work out because he felt I was "out of his league."

Until now, I have been able to curb my jealousy of this one particular female because she lived out of town, but she just recently moved back and is a co-worker of his. I am not really sure why I am so jealous, I do feel that I am more attractive than her, and I believe him when he says that he chose me. I know he wouldn't ever cheat on me. But I've told him that their friendship makes me uncomfortable and that he ruined his chances of me being okay with their friendship when he lied to me about her. I've met her on several occasions and she's always been quite rude to me. There is no doubt in my mind that she is attracted to him.

I've asked him to end his friendship with her (as it apparently was never more than a work relationship, and he "doesn't really value her friendship") but he refuses to do it on principle that he will not be controlled. It hurts me that he would carry on a self-proclaimed "meaningless friendship" just to assert himself, when he knows that it's hurting me and damaging our relationship.

Sometimes I do believe I'm 100% out of line because I respect my boyfriend as a mature and loving partner, so I feel like he MUST be right... but I can't help myself being upset every time he's at work at I know they're together. I make comments about it sometimes and he gets furious. I just don't know what to do and he's not willing to meet me in the middle.

RomanceClass.com Advice
If he lied to you, then that is fairly serious. And if he refuses to take your feelings into account then that is a double strike.

You have every right to be uncomfortable about this woman - and if he cared for you he would stop seeing her. I just don't see another way around that. His refusal to stop seeing her means he is putting her over you which is unreasonable.

Sure, nobody likes to be controlled. But this entire situation is his fault. He's the one who mislead you.

It would be like a guy who cheated on you saying he didn't want to be controlled when you told him to stop seeing the woman he was cheating with. That's not controlling. That's basic relationship rights.

He shouldn't be breaking the relationship off out of "control issues". He should have long since broken off that relationship because HE was a honorable man who knew what the right thing to do was.

-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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